Monday, March 8, 2010

Obama Will Send Biden to Help Win Afghanistan

Excuse me while I move some files from the Word Press site over here so I can delete that thing forever. If you didn't see this before, now's your chance!

Previously published 12/1/2009

WASHINGTON — Giddy he was finally able to make a decision, pResident Barack Obama couldn’t help but spill his new strategy for Afghanistan today, long before his nationally televised speech scheduled for tonight.

He was walking on the White House South Lawn, proudly surveying the latest evidence of the genius of Obamanomics. Before him were scores of card tables containing national artifacts and state secrets, all for sale for pennies on the dollar at a Treasury flea market raising cash to pay down the national deficit. At one table, the Declaration of Independence could be had for 25 cents. Another offered copies of top secret records from the Los Alamos National Laboratory, the ticketed price a mere $2.

Obama strolled past the tables, gaping in awe at the possibility of reaching his fundraising goal for the day: $40. He stopped at one table, a smile spreading across his lips. “My birth certificate,” he said. “So that’s where it’s been all this time. I’ll give you a penny.”

Your humble narrator had sneaked into the White House with an old press pass from my MSM days, now doctored to look like it was issued by the NY Times. The Secret Service had taken one look and let me through security, apparently the mere mention of the pResident’s most favorite donors being good enough for clearance.

Obama, being uncharacteristically transparent, told me he had decided sometime just before Thanksgiving that he should send Vice President Joe Biden into Afghanistan, instead of filling Gen. Stanley McChrystal’s requestfor 40,000 troops, because Biden is a highly trained weapon proficient in the farcical art of Bullshit.

“Joe will talk so much nonsense, the man-made-disaster-makers will blow themselves up just to get away from him,” Obama said. “After all, it’s not like he does anything around here anyway. Then again, neither do I, really.”

As he walked, Obama said that he would also send Tiger Woods’ wife, Elin Nordegren, along with Biden.

“That babe is deadly with a 9 iron,” Obama said.

He’d considered sending in the Party Crashers, too, but declined because he feared they’d use the assault to get an interview on the Today Show, plus he didn’t want to offend any Palestinian sympathizers.

“I also thought about sending Chris Matthews but then thought better of it, after realizing he’d probably just start humping Osama’s leg,” the pResident said. “We’re pretty sure the Taliban and Al-qaeda prefer goat-sex anyway.”

I heard the pResident’s words but didn’t really listen because each sentence that rolled out of his mouth sounded more preposterous than the one that came before it. I wondered if he had any clue that the more he talks the more he loses support from not only Democrats but also the Arab world.
Instinctively, I blurted out a question that had been nagging me all morning: “In these strange times, when Honduras votes for freedom and the Swiss fight back against Mooslems, don’t you find it highly ironic that the U.S. is marching to the left of Cuba, straight into moonbattery?”
Obama looked at me with his patented arrogance, chin tilted up, eyes looking down his nose, and … strangely … started laughing, just like when Chris Wallace asked him back in March if he were “punch drunk” over his spending policies.
“This is a good photo op, isn’t it? You need a little gallows’ humor in times like this,” he said and walked off, continuing to laugh, Rahm Emanuel and Eric Holder in tow, Emanuel picking lint off Obama’s jacket and eating it, Holder asking the pResident to sign an executive order reestablishing funding for ACORN.
I stood there, staring after Obama, bewildered by his antics. To my left, the sound of sudden cackling caught my attention and, from the corner of my eye, I could see Biden wearing a yellow suit with red underpants and a cape. He pranced drunkenly around the South Lawn, singing, and as I strained to listen, I recognized a couple lines:
“Here I come to save the day/That means that Mighty Joe is on the way!”
I turned and left to look for a nearby bar and a dozen early cocktails to wash away what I’d just witnessed, shaking my head with the sad knowledge that as long as Zero is in charge, everything around us is in terribly serious jeopardy.


MK said...

Biden doesn't have it to give it away.

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