Robert Byrd Named KKK Grand Dragon of Hell

Originally posted June 2010.

Senator Robert C. Byrd (D-WV) died early this morning at Inova Hospital in Fairfax, Va. Upon arriving in Hell, he was immediately appointed KKK Grand Dragon.

Byrd was greeted at the gates of Hell by long-time friend Ted Kennedy, who made an unsuccessful bid for president of Hell last year shortly after his own arrival.

“Having … ah … Senata Byrd at my side again can only improve my … ah … chances of … ah … taking this place ova when elections come around again next yeya,” Kennedy said.

Byrd, for his part, cried when he saw Kennedy again. “Ted, Ted, my dear friend, I love you, and I missed you,” he said.

Satan, Kennedy’s rival for control of Hell, welcomed Byrd to his kingdom of filth.

“It is with great honor that I bestow the title of KKK Grand Dragon on Senator Byrd,” Satan said. “Only a true Democrat – and we’re all Democrats down here in Hell – could have uttered the great statements he has made over the years.”

Satan spent the next 40 hours regaling the gathering crowd of demons, radical Islamic suicide bombers, and former elected Democrats, recounting many of Byrd’s earthly statements. Here are the highlights:

• “They call me 'The Pork King,' they don't know how much I enjoy it.”
• “There are white niggers. I've seen a lot of white niggers in my time. I'm going to use that word…”
• “The Klan is needed today as never before and I am anxious to see its rebirth here in West Virginia.”
• “It is necessary that the order be promoted immediately and in every state in the Union…”
• “Will you please inform me as to the possibilities of rebuilding the Klan realm of W. Va.”
• “I will never submit to fight beneath that banner with a Negro by my side…”
• “Rather I should die a thousand times, and see Old Glory trampled in the dirt never to rise again … than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrel … a throwback to the blackest specimen from the wilds."

*Byrd quotes courtesy of @DearCitizen

Cross-posted at PatDollard.com

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Robert Byrd Named KKK Grand Dragon of Hell

I Am a Democrat: You Owe Me

In recognition of Dependence Day, I give you ....

I’m a democrat. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I have my own pile of money, but I want yours, too, including the four pennies you have rattling around in the bottom of that peanut butter jar you frugal idiots like to use as a change holder. Give it up! You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I just say I like the public school system. My kids go to private schools so that your kids can go to public schools and learn how to be good little democrats like me. When my kids grow up and become better members of a collectivist society, and your kids grow up confused, my kids will get government jobs and take more money and freedom from your kids. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I have a job with health insurance, but I think it’s everyone else’s fault when I get sick and have to cut back on my lifestyle so I can pay for health care that should be free, along with cars and houses and big screen TVs. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. There is no god. You can go ahead and get down on your knees and pray to the ceiling for forgiveness and strength and peace, but I’ll be standing right behind you with a tire iron, bashing your skull and stealing your wallet. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I hate people. I would rather sleep with my dog or a cucumber or a tree than with another person…unless I can just dump them on the curb after we’re through. You just have sex to make more people so you can continue to earn more money while you rape the planet. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I love taxes. It’s patriotic…for you…to pay them. I don’t pay any, anyway. And if I have to, I’ve figured out loop holes or have offshore accounts to shelter my money, so the government never really gets too much from me anyway. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. It’s not only my right but also my duty to take freedom and representative republicanism from you, little by little, and replace it with government bureaucracy. From each according to his ability, to each according to his need. I’m needy. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I have a $20 million vacation playground on Martha’s Vineyard and a guarded compound in South Chicago and belong to the richest majority in Washington’s history. But I hate rich people who aren't democrats and want your property too so I can save endangered swamp rats and build turtle tunnels and fix toilets. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. There are more of you than there are of me. You breathe too much. I’ve told the world outlandish lies that you’re causing global warming, using faulty correlations to get everyone so worried they’re about to let me tax thin air. And you’ll breathe a lot less. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m an elitist. I’m perfect. I’m not like all of you stupid wingnuts out there working your greedy little fingers to the bone trying to make a little money and feed your family and have something to call successful when you retire. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I live in the city so I can get stupid drunk and piss on the streets when I want and kick your parked car when it gets in my way. It’s too bad that you have all those guns in your humble suburban and country homes. If you didn’t, I’d come and toss you out on your naked ass and make you live in the fetid cities that my government policies screwed up. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I think you hate homosexuals. I have no idea that you just want to be left alone and live your life the way you see fit and not have your children taught with government money that they should seek alternative lifestyles for the fun of it. I just want you to do what I think you should do with your life. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m so tolerant I can’t tolerate anyone who doesn’t think the way I do. In fact, I hate white people. I hate all people. I hate myself. I hate myself so much that I hate you even more when you are happy. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I don’t know how to do anything for myself. I need to be told what to do. I don’t think human beings are capable of taking care of themselves. That’s what government is for. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I don’t think any people should have rights. I think fish and frogs and grass should, however, and I want to represent them in court…and you to pay for it. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m a child. I act like a child and I think like a child and I live like a child and I throw up my hands and have little fits when I don’t get my way. There should be no consequences for anything I do. But there should be consequences for you, even if you’re blameless in what I accuse you of. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m racist but I get others to think that you are racist just because I call you one. It’s a riot to watch you squirm because I know you have a conscience. I do not. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I was born poor or middle class or rich, but it doesn’t matter. I was born black or white or Asian or Latina, but it still doesn’t matter. In fact, it’s Bush’s fault that I was even allowed to be born at all. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I want health care at your expense, while I’m young and virulent and child-like. But then I want you to kill me when I start to get old and weak and feeble, so that all of my young and virulent and child-like democrat friends can have health care at your expense.

Then I want to come back to life as a rock, so lots of birds can shit on me. They owe me, too, for being a loony moonbat.

Originally posted July 2009.

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I Am a Democrat: You Owe Me

Batboy Named Algae Czar

DISTRICT OF CRIMINALS -- Fresh off blowing hot air at the press about the dire need to move U.S. energy dependence from oil to algae, President Barack Downgrade Obama today took daring steps, naming Batboy as the nation’s first Algae Czar.

In his first official decree, Batboy, who has lived openly in public for 27 years as Congresscriminal Henry Waxman from California, announced the president will issue an executive order later today to create the Dental Algae Reclamation Project, to be funded by confiscated tax returns of the 1%.

“Never before in our history has it been more important to explore alternative energy, what with vast deposits of natural gas that must remain in the earth in order to hasten the prophecy of Atlas Shrugged and the successful blocking of the Keystone XL pipeline to appease environmentalist voters in time for the 2012 election," said WaxmanBatboy, who will continue to serve in Congress, since he doesn’t do anything there in the first place except try to take over the Internet so he can increase his bandwidth for viewing YouPorn videos of himself with The Wicked Witch of Congress.

The Dental Algae Reclamation Project will mandate that a lottery choose annual dental visits for all Americans, for the scraping of algae from their teeth. WaxmanBatboy said he and the 99% of Occupy Wall Street will be the first in line because they’ve “been storing enough algae in our mouths to fuel the nation for centuries."

In other news, the Downgrade administration will also empanel a commission to study the efficacy of renewing the horse and buggy as the dominant mode of American transportation, how well fat liposuctioned from Michael Moore could provide fuel for gas lamps in 100 million American homes, and whether Obama darling and failed solar energy company Solyndra can use a new $535 million loan guarantee to convert the dead into food to offset the rising cost of grocery bills.

Solyndra Green is people!

Cross-posted at Conservative Daily News.

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Batboy Named Algae Czar

Obama Gets Lovin' Despite Historic Midterm Smackdown

The Loser in Chief may have lost his mandate last night, when the American people responded to him calling them "the enemy" by firing The Wicked Witch of Congress and her Merry Band of Congresscriminals.

But all is not lost! At least Zero is getting some good lovin' today overseas.


Only problem is, the doll with his likeness is not anatomically correct.

His head's not up his ass.

And, anyway, he wouldn't know what to do with all those white women if he had an instruction booklet.

Hey! I wonder if, instead, he'll be getting it on with The Official Democratic Party Blow-up Doll.


But maybe not, since last night pretty much assured that Democrats aren't going to be having any fun for a very long time, let alone getting laid. In fact, they may all be better off lying down and going to sleep in the new symbol for the Democratic Party.


Bring out yer dead!

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Obama Gets Lovin' Despite Historic Midterm Smackdown

You RWE Bastards Are All Just Mentally Deranged

That's right. All you right wing extremists have a mental disorder, Anxiety-induced Obama Underappreciation Syndrome.

Or so says the Supreme Dickhead himself, president Zero, a man handed a potential dynasty on a silver platter only to promptly fuck it up so badly he'll see his majority run over in less than two weeks like a retarded deer frozen by the headlights of a tank.

Yes, there IS a God.

Writes Charles Krauthammer:

President Obama has come up with something new, something less common, something more befitting his stature and intellect. He's now offering a scientific, indeed neurological, explanation for his current political troubles.

The electorate apparently is deranged by its anxieties and fears to the point where it can't think straight. Part of the reason "facts and science and argument does not seem to be winning the day all the time," he explained to a Massachusetts audience, "is because we're hard-wired not to always think clearly when we're scared. And the country is scared."

Opening a whole new branch of cognitive science — liberal psychology — Obama has discovered a new principle: The fearful brain is hard-wired to act befuddled, i.e., vote Republican.

But of course. Here Obama has spent two years bestowing upon the peasantry the "New Foundation" of a more regulated, socially engineered and therefore more humane society, and they repay him with recalcitrance and outright opposition. Here he gave them ObamaCare, the stimulus, financial regulation and a shot at cap-and-trade — and the electorate remains not just unmoved but ungrateful.

Faced with this truly puzzling conundrum, Dr. Obama diagnoses a heretofore undiscovered psychological derangement: anxiety-induced Obama Underappreciation Syndrome, wherein an entire population is so addled by its economic anxieties as to be neurologically incapable of appreciating the "facts and science" undergirding ObamaCare and other blessings their president has bestowed upon them from on high.

Trouble is, Zero's diagnosis is like a Dingy Harry quote: But for him we'd be taken over by Predator and Alien by now. They're both cut from the same cloth: the clinically insane.

Krauthammer, naturally, dashes Zero's veneer-thin ill-logic, as would anyone with half a brain (Note: There are no requirements for any brain wave activity whatsoever to be elected to higher office in America).

The story of the last two years is as simple as it is dramatic. It is the epic story of an administration with a highly ideological agenda encountering a rising resistance from the American people over the major question in dispute: the size and reach and power of government and, even more fundamentally, the nature of the American social contract.

In other words, the peasants, we the serfs of Dear Lord Obama the Incompetent, have had quite enough, thank you very much.

Somehow this isn't what Zero meant when he said "we are the ones we've been waiting for" on the night of his election ... unless he meant that he and his merry band of thieves are the ones we've been waiting to send back home with extreme prejudice, for good, beginning Nov. 2, 2010.

Speaking of which, I've a little limerick for you...

There once was a man named Barack

Who conned sheep into believing he was Spock

But then his policies tanked

And the sheep realized he stank

So all his buddies in Congress got kicked off the block

I know. It isn't dirty.

But aren't you proud of me for not cursing in the same sentence in which I mention The Liar in Chief? Oh. Shit. I just re-read the first graph of this post.

Fuck it.

The Asshole in Chief deserves my foulflinging fingers.

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You RWE Bastards Are All Just Mentally Deranged

Robert Byrd Dies, Named KKK Grand Dragon of Hell

Senator Robert C. Byrd (D-WV) died early this morning at Inova Hospital in Fairfax, Va. Upon arriving in Hell, he was immediately appointed KKK Grand Dragon.

Byrd was greeted at the gates of Hell by long-time friend Ted Kennedy, who made an unsuccessful bid for president of Hell last year shortly after his own arrival.

“Having … ah … Senata Byrd at my side again can only improve my … ah … chances of … ah … taking this place ova when elections come around again next yeya,” Kennedy said.

Byrd, for his part, cried when he saw Kennedy again. “Ted, Ted, my dear friend, I love you, and I missed you,” he said.

Satan, Kennedy’s rival for control of Hell, welcomed Byrd to his kingdom of filth.

“It is with great honor that I bestow the title of KKK Grand Dragon on Senator Byrd,” Satan said. “Only a true Democrat – and we’re all Democrats down here in Hell – could have uttered the great statements he has made over the years.”

Satan spent the next 40 hours regaling the gathering crowd of demons, radical Islamic suicide bombers, and former elected Democrats, recounting many of Byrd’s earthly statements. Here are the highlights:

• “They call me 'The Pork King,' they don't know how much I enjoy it.”
• “There are white niggers. I've seen a lot of white niggers in my time. I'm going to use that word…”
• “The Klan is needed today as never before and I am anxious to see its rebirth here in West Virginia.”
• “It is necessary that the order be promoted immediately and in every state in the Union…”
• “Will you please inform me as to the possibilities of rebuilding the Klan realm of W. Va.”
• “I will never submit to fight beneath that banner with a Negro by my side…”
• “Rather I should die a thousand times, and see Old Glory trampled in the dirt never to rise again … than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrel … a throwback to the blackest specimen from the wilds."

*Byrd quotes courtesy of @DearCitizen

Cross-posted at PatDollard.com

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Robert Byrd Dies, Named KKK Grand Dragon of Hell

Democratic Underground Message Board (DUMB) Lays Down the Tolerance

"Tolerance" goes beyond the pale these days over at the Democratic Underground Message Board (DUMB), where moderators have brought down from Mount Insane a tablet of Commandmants governing inter-party dialogue.

As Moonbattery points out, instead of simply saying ixnay on DUmmays attacking DUmmays, the Commandments "broadly" and "generally" list intolerable offenses ad nauseam in bulletpoints, the offense of which will have DUmmays who call out their own demoted to trolling Twitter or Blogger (since we all know Word Press is Teh Awesome in providing tools that repel odious trolls).

You can read a gloss of the lower points of Teh Law for yourself over at Moonbattery, or you can suffer through the full list over here in DUmmayland.

I'd rather dive into the real fun, thankfully brought to my attention by The Battle Bitch at Conservative Punks, some of the more hysterical reactions DUmmays had today to the new law of the land.

muriel_volestrangler takes it the gas chamber: "The idea of a political party is that you agree among yourselves the policies and candidates, and then stick together. The 'democratic' in DU explicitly refers to the Democratic Party, not just the adjective for democracy. Once you start saying "I like the Democratic Party, except for the following, who are worthless", then you're being an individual, not part of the party movement. And you will encourage others to insult your preferred candidates in a similar way, and you will be left with no way to object. DU has always been crystal clear about this. Anyone who has joined the website, and not noticed that is is about the Democratic Party, hasn't been paying attention. If you want all Democrats insulted and held as 'worthless' on DU, then keep advocating your 'right' to insult certain Democrats. It won't work, however."

SkyDaddy7 whines: "I too have been totally blown away by some of the comments I have seen leveled against our President...At times it seems like it becomes a contest of who can talk the worst about Obama. As much as I would like to see a full blown Liberal POTUS in America...That is not going to happen without someone like Obama to begin to shift the country back left SLOWLY in places and faster in others. America has been brainwashed for 30yrs to believe in Conservative Values and Conservative Values has it's own network & army of Talk Radio host many of which are paid 100's of millions of dollars to support corporate America. So, it is going to take time, lots of time! I think many wanted it to happen in Obama's 1st year."

Mstinamotorcity deep throats the moderators: "We as a people sometimes forget how to treat each other with the humanity that shows us to be the unique species of the planet. We have what it is I think one of the best opportunities of our lives,a President who wants to have an all inclusive America.And we as a people (especially Dems) have a chance to be doers instead of dreamers.I for one welcome the chance to prove that I believe in the human spirit and ready to discuss and weigh the points of view in clarity and help set an agenda that is good for all America.I know that in my heart of hearts their will always be someone who will not see things as I do, but I believe in their right to have their particular view. I do believe that sometimes with discussion you can reach different or better outcomes. I also believe that we need to stick more to fact,not fiction when pointing out certain problems.And I don't give a darn (I used a nice word), if something happens three or four years after our President took office, if its George W. Bush and Dick Cheney ( Dubya and Shooter's) fault, then it should be pointed out.Well any republican or democratic member of Congress who voted against the 98 percent of the country. And instead of arguing with infiltrators, hit them with information and links to disprove their points. This will help newcomers know the reason why we sometimes get worked up with fury and go a little off the ground with some of the things we write in response to ops. Since you have updated the rules as a member of the du community I will do my best to abide by them.Thank you very much Mstinamotorcity."

There's much, much more, but reading too much will leave you feeling better ...

Better get a bucket because you'll most definitely be throwing up.

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Democratic Underground Message Board (DUMB) Lays Down the Tolerance

Snarky Tips for Regressives

Image courtesy of The People's Cube (Via Moonbattery)

If kids in New Jersey are so upset over budget cuts, they should drop out, get jobs, and protest themselves for not paying enough taxes to support government-subsidized education.

They could always go to work for the government. The quickest way to achieve enough power to absolve yourself of any responsibility whatsoever is to never hold a real job.

I’ll take the sh***y deal Wall Street is selling if Regressives take back the sh***y deal pResident Zero is selling.

Besides, if Regressives are so worried about what Wall Street does with their money they should just send it all to me so I can stock up on kindling for next winter. Their cash won’t be worth the paper it’s printed on anyway, once Zero is through with it.

Anyone who’s really fond of illegal immigrants should travel to Mexico without papers and find out how much they like aliens.

The next time a police officer stops a Regressive and asks for their driver’s license, the Regressive should protest that they’re not living in Nazi Germany.

As far as my fashion sense for Regressives goes, I hear dressing up as a piñata with Jan Brewer's face has become all the rage in Arizona.

The race card isn't working. Every time Regressives play it they only draw comparisons to their own lengthy history of great moments in race relations. I know, why don’t they start calling us all redneck teabaggers!?! Oh. Sorry. That didn’t work out so well either, did it?

If things get so bad this November that Regressives can’t take it anymore, there's a suicide clinic in Switzerland that will gladly send them on a relaxing cruise of Lake Zurich. Point of warning, however, their remains will float about as well as their ideas.

If taking the easy way out isn’t a Regressive's cup of tea, they could just pollute more. It will do wonders for their mental health.

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Snarky Tips for Regressives

Kind Words From Our Lovely Friends on the Left

My, how tolerant these folks are of FreedomWorks and us teabaggers. (Please excuse my pseudonews kick this week; I just feel compelled to help expose what wonderful people we share this country with.)

STRONG Language warning!

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Kind Words From Our Lovely Friends on the Left

Duck and Cover: the pResident Really IS a "Constitutional" Scholar

I know, I know. You're probably thinking ... his birth certificate has been an issue (as I've said before, that's only because he once used it to roll a number and smoked it), and now his background as a "Constitutional scholar" is the subject of speculation.

But I have proof, hard, cold, PROOF, I tell you, that pResident Barack Obama is an expert on constitution. It's right here in his latest stroke of brilliance, his nuclear policy:

The Obama administration is warning that the danger of a terrorist attack with nuclear weapons is increasing, but U.S. officials say the claim is not based on new intelligence and questioned whether the threat is being overstated.

President Obama said in a speech before the 47-nation Nuclear Security Summit, which concluded Tuesday, that "the risk of a nuclear confrontation between nations has gone down, but the risk of nuclear attack has gone up."

[...snip...]

But Henry Sokolski, a member of the congressional Commission on the Prevention of Weapons of Mass Destruction Proliferation and Terrorism, said that there is no specific intelligence on ongoing terrorist procurement of nuclear material.

"We were given briefings and when we tried to find specific intelligence on the threat of any known terrorist efforts to get a bomb, the answer was we did not have any."

By issuing dire warnings without specific intelligence (come to think of it, has there ever been any proof of the pResident's intelligence?), the pResident is tipping his hand: his nuclear policy amounts to nothing more than "duck and cover" -- you know, the drill you used to practice under your desk during the Cold War, or as my father used to say, "bend over, put your head between your knees, and kiss your ass goodbye."

And there's the evidence of the pResident's knowledge of constitution. You see, when Zero refers to himself as a former "constitutional scholar" what he really mean is that he's an expert on the constitution of his bowels, since he spends so much time inserting his head into them.

Now that I mention it, isn't that really the entire Democratic Party's only expertise?

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Duck and Cover: the pResident Really IS a "Constitutional" Scholar

The Coffin: The New Symbol for the Democratic Party`

I don't know what the big fuss is all about. Apparently the Democrats, and the FBI, don't get symbolism. Yes, a coffin is a metaphor for death. But I'll take the high road and see it as a symbol that someone thinks Rep. Russ Carnahan (Dickhead-Mo.) is going to be dead at the polls come November.

In fact, let's just go ahead right now and start putting coffins on the lawns of all the whiny little POS Democrats who are up for re-election this year ... just to make it perfectly clear to the FBI what the symbol really means.

Pissy little babies are afraid? Don't like cross-hairs depicted over your vulnerable districts? Need some protection? Awwwww. Are you going to provide us with protection from you?

Grow a pair. You fucking won. You walked the plank to get Obamacare passed. Live with the consequences.

Or, better yet, if you don't have the strength to handle the abuse you clearly deserve, then just go away and save us all the torture of having to deal with your little public drama for the next 8 months.

Because we're still coming for you in November [insert obligatory disclaimer for the FBI -- "at the polls" -- here].

Cross-posted at pat.dollard.com.

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The Coffin: The New Symbol for the Democratic Party`

The 10 Most Wanted Congresscriminals

Excuse me while I move some files from the Word Press site over here so I can delete that thing forever. If you didn't see this before, now's your chance!

Previously published 11/29/2009

Image courtesy of Zardoz

If you think Cap and Slave and WealthShare will become the legacy of the 111th Congress, the wealthiest bunch of elected officials to occupy the District of Criminals in history, you’re overlooking today’s good news: Food stamp use is soaring, and the personal stigma over being on the government dole is waning.

Now, that’s the progress my hard-working parents always dreamed I would discover!

The news is so impressive it demands a listing of the most wanted creatures wandering the halls of the Senate and House of Representatives, critters who curiously blame other rich people for the country’s economic problems while they mask takeovers of huge swaths of the private sector and individual middle class freedoms under the guise of moral indignation against the greedy.

So, here are the 10 Most Wanted Congresscritters that immediately come to my mind.

10. Alan Grayson … wanted for needing a butt plug shoved so far down his throat it ends up in his spleen, for being a complete ass in the face of opposition by getting all Alinsky-like: “If you get sick, America, the Republicans’ health care plan is this: Die quickly.” He rounds out the top 10 for having the visage of Shrek without any of the movie character’s class or humility, and for being far too ugly inside to ever come close to bagging even the cartoon caricature of Cameron Diaz.

9. Christopher Dodd … a liar of extraordinary achievement, Dodd is wanted for protecting AIG bonuses and then hypocritically coming out against them. He should be wanted for the sole fact that Ralph Nader might crawl out of his hole in the ground to run against Dodd next year. More concretely, Dodd is wanted for shady real estate dealings and for getting sweetheart loans the rest of the American people couldn’t possibly receive even if they had a relative in the financial sector. Dodd is so anti-business he could portray James Taggert in theforthcoming cinematic version of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. And last but not least, Dodd deserves to be wanted for being an AGW enabler and champion of carbon taxes, for being the overwhelming Jack Kevorkian of finance reform, and for embarking on a journey to pass “National Health Care Coverage for all Americans” despite most Americans wanting nothing to do with his journey.

8. John Kerry … is a wanted man for making it necessary to enter the following question into our political lexicon: “Why the long face, John?” Certainly, Kerry warrants being on this list for “swift”-ly going where no one has gone before (or should go, without being tried for treason) and for sticking to his lack of morals and continuing his long history of bashing our troops then, and recently. Finally, Kerry makes my list for redefining the definition of flip-flopper (and, in so doing, showing us why he wasn’t worthy of holding a president’s bath water, let alone holding the strings of an entire country).

7. Barney Frank … for being a right round like a record player baby whose had more bounces on pogo sticks than any other Congresscritter who likes national wealth share. I’m also putting him on this list for not being able to say wewielble correctly and for ruining every current adult’s childhood memories of Elmer Fudd. He also belongs for having the audacity to “not recognize” what pot plants look like when they grow in your own home and for letting a gay prostitution ring run in his house. Naturally, being a fat fucking Congressman who supports public health care gets him on this list, as does his sodomizing 300 million Americans ever time he votes. Anyone saddled with a song called The Banking Queen should be on any most wanted list of Congresscritters. He’s been a pretty bad banking queen at that, what with his long-running threesome with Fannie and Freddie(well, he took on Fannie only because she came with Freddie, his most favorite male prostitute of all time aside from his hometown bank. And Frank makes my list for speaking to the people he represents in the following manner: “Trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table,” he said. “I have no interest in doing it.”

6. Charlie Rangel … the face of Democratic corruption. This tax cheat, who confronts inquiring minds with questions like “why don’t you mind your goddamned business,” doesn’t even know how to keep solicitations for his personal foundation from going out on the Congressional letterhead you and I pay for. He’s a TARP whore and an auto bailout whore and is quite fond of Porkulus. Not only that, he’s also racist (as are most Democrats) for once uttering this lovely phrasing: “I forgot to report that I once refused to let white folks rent my Harlem brownstone.” Just kidding on that last one, but you can almost here him saying it, no?

5. Arlen Specter … once a Democrat, always a Democrat. In fact, I covered in depth the reasons Sen. Sphincter is on this list back in February and April. Here’s a little taste: “I support Porkulus because I’m a dope of epic proportions. Not only did I start my political career as a Democrat, but you have me to thank for the invention of the asinine single-bullet theory in the Warren Commission Report. Being only a paper supporter of the 2nd Amendment and not actually owning any weapons (accept for the pen I use to sign big-spending legislation), I don’t have any concept of the trajectory of bullets or what happens if one would enter two human bodies and supposedly skewer 15 layers of clothing, 7 layers of skin, and some 15 inches of tissue, striking a necktie knot, eviscerating 4 inches of rib, and shattering a radius bone along the way. I would think that bullet would appear pretty pristine, don’t you? Yeah. I told you I fell out of someone’s ass.”

4. Barbara Boxer … a climate goon, this California senator deserves such a lofty place on this list precisely for her arrogance. “Call me Senator” Boxer has the class of a sewer rat and the stench of rotting roadkill and the concern for individual American rights of Mao Zedong (unless you’re gay). An avowed abortionist, she also enjoys redistributing wealth, for which she is an enemy of the People’s Republic of Cauli-for-nia. Boxer loves long walks in the park with anyone who supports gay rights and one day hopes to be an illegal immigrant.

3. Henry Waxman … easily the ugliest senator in U.S. history, Waxman just may be the leader of allextraterrestrial life on earth. He’s so high on this list for practicing proctology without a license and for introducing a Trojan horse into the American health care system and for endeavoring for 30 years to saddle middle class families with cap and tax. But that’s not all! He merits high wanted marks for liking cash and unmarked bills and for questioning my patriotism. Somehow we’d all be better off if Waxman had cut off his nose to spite his face.

2. Harry Reid … is nearly at the top of this shit list for being last on Amazon.com’s best seller list and for being stupid enough to say that income taxes are “voluntary.” He also rates high most wanted marks for making “cloture” a household word this past November and introducing 2,074 pages of shit that cost only $409,353,905.50 per page. His mouth particularly merits high marks for such gaffes as calling a U.S. president aliar and a loser and for calling me an “evil monger” and for saying the Iraq War was “lost.” Finally, Reid is deserving of a high place on this list for being a mealy-mouth piece of garbage the voters of Nevada need to send home for good next fall, just like the voters of South Dakota did the last time the senate had a Democrat majority leader.

1. Nancy Pelosi … naturally, the Wicked Witch of Congress takes top billing on any most wanted Congresscritter list, for several reasons. First, for being next to last on Amazon.com’s best seller list and for running the … ahem … “most ethical” Congress in history and for getting me Google hits for the search term “Nancy Pelosi in bathing suit.” She has permanently ruined how I’ll remember One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nestand Botox and makes Christopher Dodd’s lying look amateurish for her knowing but not knowing then remembering that it was all Bush’s fault the CIA waterbaorded Khalid Sheikh Mohammed 183 times and stopped a terrorist attack against American people. I gave her top billing for establishing her own federal travel agencyand for offering us jail for not buying PelosiCare and for being so fond of the $787 billion Porkulus bill that saved or created 30,000 jobs that she wants to stick us with another “jobs” bill, one that assuredly will be created with saving only one job in mind — her own come November 2010.

Honorable mention votes go to Diane Feinstein, Pat Leahy, Fritz Schumer, and Maxine Waters. Finally, these most wannabe Democrats received honorable RINO mentions: Olympia Snowe, Susan Collins, Anh Joseph Cao, and the Republican 8.

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The 10 Most Wanted Congresscriminals

Happy Your Ass Will Be Taxed Year

Excuse me while I move some files from the Word Press site over here so I can delete that thing forever. If you didn't see this before, now's your chance!

Previously published 1/2/2010

Image via Frugal Cafe Blog Zone

Money is not the tool of the moochers, who claim your product by tears, or of the looters, who take it from you by force. Money is made possible only by the men who produce. Is this what you consider evil? – Ayn Rand

On Christmas day, a cousin of mine, in his 20s, an affable, liberal-minded guy who works in the movie industry and voted for Zero, stunningly admitted: “I get more conservative every time I look at what the government takes from my paycheck.”

My young cousin, and many more like him, are about to become even more self-aware this year … as they watch their paychecks evaporate like a drop of water spilled in the Sahara. That’s because the rats crawling around the District of Criminals didn’t renew the Bush tax cuts, effectively making Monday the first business day of The Year Your Ass Will Be Taxed. In other words, my dear already overtaxed friends, the Congresscriminals, on behalf of the One who promised that families making less than $250,000 would NOT see a tax increase in any form, just raised your bloody taxes.

You’d be hard-pressed, however, to find someone in the general public who knows about this sort of thing because, you know, the MSM was too busy helping Congress pass healthcare deform bills this fall to report much about “evil” tax cuts. But you can bet that extra $13 we’re all getting in our paychecks each week from the stimulus will still be a tremendous help this year to pay for … oh, I don’t know … another channel on DirecTV to divert us from worrying about the nation’s economic “recovery.”

(BTW: if you are planning to die, this will be the year to do it for free. Don’t you just love the benevolence of our dear caretakers?)

Really, I don’t see how any American citizen can still support 99.9 percent of Congress or the pResident. Everywhere you turn, there’s another tax and another “mandate” and another example of waste from every level of government. For instance, did you know that while your money continues to be flushed down the Fannie and Freddie toilet, if you live in the District of Criminals you now get to pay for each plastic shopping bag you use? You can bet plastic bag fever will be spreading to local governments everywhere this year because, you know, the only good ideas now come from Washington … or the U.N.

It’s all for the public good, anyway. After all, social re-engineering did wonders last century for the Soviet Union, Europe, and most of South America and Asia. Hey, if you feel guilty about living in the best country in the world, why not destroy it and lower yourself to everyone else’s standards?

All of which brings us here.

I know I’m going to start sounding like a broken record soon, but I will say this early and often in 2010 until we right this sinking ship:

In 2009, The Year of Obamafail, the legislative and executive branches of the federal government ignored millions of us who pounded on their doors and told them to take their healthcare policy and their carbon tax policies and their bailouts and their pork-barrel spending and their nationalization of just about every American business except the porn industry and … shove it all up their asses.

At this point, I’d say that if you don’t feel revulsion towards your Congresscriminal, from either loser party – the looters who take more and more from you to help Zero accomplish his social revolution and spread your wealth among the moochers (those who expect to live off the government) – if their actions don’t make you want to hang every last one by their genitals until they give your freedom back to you, you’re either brain dead or clinically insane, in which case, I’d recommend you jam a pistol in your mouth and cock the hammer and pull the trigger and leave the world to those of us who do the heavy lifting and who have our minds right and who will resolve to vote these bastards out of office, every last one.

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Happy Your Ass Will Be Taxed Year

District of Criminals Considers Medicinal Marijuana to Ease Dem's Pain in 2010

Excuse me while I move some files from the Word Press site over here so I can delete that thing forever. If you didn't see this before, now's your chance!

Previously published 1/12/2010

WASHINGTON – Officials in the nation’s capitol are poised to pass legislation that would legalize medicinal marijuana in the District of Criminals specifically to help members of an ailing Congress and White House, where unhealthy delusions of grandeur are rampant and widespread unemployment looms.

The rules will apply to a swath of the city defined by rigid boundaries spanning from Capitol Hill to the White House. The section of the city will now be called Tijuana del Norte, instead of the endearing term locals use for it, The Sped Zone. The rest of D.C. will be designated a no toking area.

“It’s been a difficult year for the Democrats in Congress and the White House, despite some of their perceived legislative victories,” said Ward 4 D.C. Councilman Joey Roachclip, a longtime supporter of social causes like medicinal marijuana use and bong hits for the homeless. “We just wanted to give them a way to manage their pain during the coming year, which portends to be even more brutal.”

Roachclip sponsored the legislation once public backlash over Obamacare during the Christmas holiday showed, in poll after poll, that 99.9 percent of congresscriminals will be lucky to make it home for their next winter break without being skinned alive and fed to the Asian snakehead fish pillaging the Potomac. Some experts, however, claim that the normally ravenous snakeheads wouldn’t touch a congresscriminal with Henry Waxman’s teeth

Congressman Henry Waxman (Dickhead, California)

The situation is becoming increasingly depressing for Democrats, with Republican Scott Brown dangerously close to winning the empty U.S. Senate seat for Massachusetts, especially since Brown knows how to spell the state’s name while his opponent apparently does not. Brown and Massachusetts Attorney General Martha Coakley square off next week in a special election for the seat of former Sen. Ted Kennedy, who is now president of hell.

In fact, last week, Sen. Christopher Dodd (Dickhead, Connecticut) decided to join Byron Dorgan of North Dakota and several shady congresscriminals among the ranks of the unemployed next year because they’re so far removed from what’s really going on in America they would have gotten their asses kicked in November even by undead opponents.

“I haven’t the brains to compete with zombies,” Dodd said, turning away to slither under a rock.

The legislation will also help pResident Barack Obama honor his goal of making the District of Criminals more transparent. Right now, Obama hides in the private study Bill Clinton once used to grope visitors, to habitually smoke hash for nerve damage he suffered earlier in the year when Michael Jackson’s bizzare brain was implanted in his skull.

“The pResident would certainly like to be more open about being a stoner,” said Chief White House Illiterate Robert Ahhh Gibbs.

Via Moonbattery

In other news from the District of Criminals, Republicans have introduced legislation in the House that would create a federal agency to regulate the apologies of public officials, such as that of Senate majority leader Harry Reid. The Washington Times reports: “The Apologetics and Atonement Administration would be assigned to the Ministry of Euphemy, charged with measuring the sincerity of the miscreants and gauging how abject they really are.”

Vice President Joe Biden said he owes America for numerous gaffes he never apologized for and would volunteer to be the first to try some of the new penalties that would be enforced under the legislation, such as waterboarding and autoerotic asphyxiation.

“I’d choose having to inhale the fumes wafting from Helen Thomas’ feet,” Biden said. “I hear it’s better than smoking crack.”

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District of Criminals Considers Medicinal Marijuana to Ease Dem's Pain in 2010

Snarky Jabs at Democrats

A Photochop by Jamie

The Community Organizer in Chief should nominate a “Corpse-man” Czar. He’ll need one after most of the Congresscrats get killed at the polls in November.

That’s why every Democrat should write these four words on their hand: I’m going to lose.

Then again, it would be a lot easier for the nation if Obama just bought every Democrat in Congress a Toyota.

BTW, did you notice the four words written on Obama’s hand during his “rare” news conference yesterday? “I enjoy acting stupidly.”

On the other hand, he’d written: "I love Larry Sinclair."

Speaking of hands, I wonder if the Democrats will do a hand count of the number of kids shoveling snow and guys earning overtime plowing it these past few days and tell us next month that they saved or created a million jobs in February.

If they do, they’ll be able to narrow that pesky gap between jobs lost in the private sector and jobs gained at the government trough.

If the population of moose is dwindling in Minnesota, it's not because of global warming, especially since their numbers are growing in other states. I'm pretty sure they're just leaving to get away from all the Democrats.

I’m no longer going to question Obama’s faith or citizenship; it's clear he puts his faith in government and that he’s a citizen of the New World Order.

Maybe Obama's just a big joker. He can't really believe that shoving socialism down your peasant throat is bipartisanship, while trying to stop insanity makes you a member of the party of “no.”

I think Mobama’s right: her fat ass is a threat to national security.

Obama is backing off having weeks ago called Wall Street execs obscene and the height of irresponsibility and shameful and outrageous for accepting bonuses, probably because Congress raising the debt limit to $1.9 trillion makes Wall Street look like a 5-year-old's lemonade stand.

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Snarky Jabs at Democrats

My First Anniversary

From the insanely irreverent Grumpy Old Twat

I've been putting this off, so now I just need to get it over with and move on.

A week ago, this blog turned one year old. Judging from how I started out, it's a miracle it made it to one month. But along the way we got stuck with America's biggest fan and, well, I had to go on.

I've had some ups and downs. Along about June I was getting ready to hang it up, perhaps for lack of material, perhaps because I didn't think anyone gave a damn. But then 8 asshole Republicans helped the House pass cap and trade and I got a little huffy about it and Ann Coulter picked up this post and together we helped about 10,000 people say, or at least think, what they felt about those RINOs.

I guess you could say that post helped me find some resolve.

After receiving some 75,000 hits now, I'd have to say what matters most to me about this place are the readers. You make it worth opening up that "new post" button every day. I hope you've been entertained, and if you're a moonbat zombie troll, I hope you've been really pissed off.

Rather than go through a litany of my "top 10" posts, I'd like to start a little game for my blogging friends. If you post in the comments a link to your favorite post on this site, I'll put my favorite post of yours up here during the month of November and link back to you. (My non-blogging friends can join in, too. For those who do, I'll make you a character in a skit that makes Chairman Zero look like the buffoon he truly is.)

And since we're going to be blessed with the Wicked Witch of Congress bringing her wealth share Obamanation to the floor of the House this week, I'm going to repost what's probably my most favorite piece because it represents what this place is really all about....

(P.S. Give fellow patriot Logistics Monster a hand to keep battling the moonbat brigade.)

(P.P.S. Seriously, folks. I want you to take whatever you like from this site and post it on your site with a link back. If what you like is a bit too foul with language, then pick something else. I really like this idea of exchanging posts with everyone. It keeps blogging fresh and interesting.)

I'm a Democrat: You Owe Me

I’m a democrat. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I have my own pile of money, but I want yours, too, including the four pennies you have rattling around in the bottom of that peanut butter jar you frugal idiots like to use as a change holder. Give it up! You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I just say I like the public school system. My kids go to private schools so that your kids can go to public schools and learn how to be good little democrats like me. When my kids grow up and become better members of a collectivist society, and your kids grow up confused, my kids will get government jobs and take more money and freedom from your kids. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I have a job with health insurance, but I think it’s everyone else’s fault when I get sick and have to cut back on my lifestyle so I can pay for health care that should be free, along with cars and houses and big screen TVs. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. There is no god. You can go ahead and get down on your knees and pray to the ceiling for forgiveness and strength and peace, but I’ll be standing right behind you with a tire iron, bashing your skull and stealing your wallet. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I hate people. I would rather sleep with my dog or a cucumber or a tree than with another person…unless I can just dump them on the curb after we’re through. You just have sex to make more people so you can continue to earn more money while you rape the planet. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I love taxes. It’s patriotic…for you…to pay them. I don’t pay any, anyway. And if I have to, I’ve figured out loop holes or have offshore accounts to shelter my money, so the government never really gets too much from me anyway. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. It’s not only my right but also my duty to take freedom and representative republicanism from you, little by little, and replace it with government bureaucracy. From each according to his ability, to each according to his need. I’m needy. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I have a $20 million vacation playground on Martha’s Vineyard and a guarded compound in South Chicago and belong to the richest majority in Washington’s history. But I hate rich people who aren't democrats and want your property too so I can save endangered swamp rats and build turtle tunnels and fix toilets. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. There are more of you than there are of me. You breathe too much. I’ve told the world outlandish lies that you’re causing global warming, using faulty correlations to get everyone so worried they’re about to let me tax thin air. And you’ll breathe a lot less. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m an elitist. I’m perfect. I’m not like all of you stupid wingnuts out there working your greedy little fingers to the bone trying to make a little money and feed your family and have something to call successful when you retire. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I live in the city so I can get stupid drunk and piss on the streets when I want and kick your parked car when it gets in my way. It’s too bad that you have all those guns in your humble suburban and country homes. If you didn’t, I’d come and toss you out on your naked ass and make you live in the fetid cities that my government policies screwed up. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I think you hate homosexuals. I have no idea that you just want to be left alone and live your life the way you see fit and not have your children taught with government money that they should seek alternative lifestyles for the fun of it. I just want you to do what I think you should do with your life. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m so tolerant I can’t tolerate anyone who doesn’t think the way I do. In fact, I hate white people. I hate all people. I hate myself. I hate myself so much that I hate you even more when you are happy. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I don’t know how to do anything for myself. I need to be told what to do. I don’t think human beings are capable of taking care of themselves. That’s what government is for. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I don’t think any people should have rights. I think fish and frogs and grass should, however, and I want to represent them in court…and you to pay for it. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m a child. I act like a child and I think like a child and I live like a child and I throw up my hands and have little fits when I don’t get my way. There should be no consequences for anything I do. But there should be consequences for you, even if you’re blameless in what I accuse you of. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m racist but I get others to think that you are racist just because I call you one. It’s a riot to watch you squirm because I know you have a conscience. I do not. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I was born poor or middle class or rich, but it doesn’t matter. I was born black or white or Asian or Latina, but it still doesn’t matter. In fact, it’s Bush’s fault that I was even allowed to be born at all. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I want health care at your expense, while I’m young and virulent and child-like. But then I want you to kill me when I start to get old and weak and feeble, so that all of my young and virulent and child-like democrat friends can have health care at your expense.

Then I want to come back to life as a rock, so lots of birds can shit on me. They owe me, too, for being a loony moonbat.

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My First Anniversary

Shit I Said Somewhere (Most of It Stupid) That You Might Have Missed (And I Bet You Can’t WAIT to Read)

To be honest, I have a high pressure job that demands, I say demands, diversion. After all, Dr. Drama can’t be cool all 1 percent of his time, mind you: He needs to entertain (himself).

I used to write this shit down in one of those little shirt-pocket notebooks -- until I realized I looked like a pencil-necked geek. Now I just look like a geek, without a notebook in his shirt pocket, because I post this stuff on Twitter, Facebook, and the sites of other bloggers.

Why not? It’s not like anyone’s paying me per word, or paying attention.

So here are a few diversions I took part in this past week to keep me from going postal. You know, acting really, really slow, like you don’t give 2 shits about your job, deliberately taking lunch at the most inopportune time, so that the line of 20 people waiting to mail something doubles to 40 by the time you finish eating your quadruple-decker sandwich fit for a fat fucking government employee.

Ah … life must be good when you’re attached to the government teet.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

[Said at Tereseamerica’s place in the direction of a fucking Eric Holder-hired piece of shit troll twit who's been hounding Teresa's place for weeks and tried to hassle her and yours truly on Twitter the other day.] @nyp (Not Your fucking Place) If you don't have a small penis, does that mean you're a lovely term the British use to denigrate people? I've read your comments for weeks. I believe the term is quite fitting.

[Also said at Teresamerica’s place]: @nyp Say hello to Eric Holder for me and tell him I said to go fuck himself (after you fuck him, of course).

“Rejecting socialism is not racism…it’s patriotism. #UCK OBAMA.” -- from the sign outside Mulligans Food and Spirits in Marietta, Ga.

[Said @Dick Bacon’s Facebook page in response to his admission that he was “just saying how my one lib friend never talks to me, and then I get into this great big long conversation with her! It’s really serendipitous!”] Nah, Dick, it’s really like this: I ate all of my liberal friends because Al Gore told me I needed to help clean up the planet.

BREAKING: Michelle Obama was rushed to the hospital this morning to have a hula hoop surgically removed from around her hips.

If Barack Obama hates America so much he wants to remake it into Europe-lite, he should run for president of the EU and leave, as soon as fucking possible.

I don't know about the White House's enemies list; I'm not big enough to be on it. But I do know who's number one on mine: Chairman Zero.

RT @politeracy @mikepfs Yellow Snowe. | Democrats, little ignorants that they are, eat it; conservatives just want spring to come & melt it.

@KingShamus That's me, reversing Faulkner and bringing chaos to order.

BREAKING! Logging into Twitter now takes only 48 hours.

@patdollard RE: Palin. I like her spunk ... but she ain't even close to being the one. In fact, there isn't a "one." That's the problem.

It might not take a village to raise one child, but it certainly takes one president to screw up an entire village.

RT @politeracy @ADHDsnark The only thing a Village has ever raised is a Village Idiot. | Only village idiot I know has a Nobel Peace Prize.

#InObamasworld -- Hope and change mean “Mao is my favorite political philosopher.”

#InObamasworld -- Joe Biden is a brilliant adviser.

#InObamasworld -- Grandma don't need no new hip; she needs the blue pill.

#InObamasworld -- CNN is a great news organization.

#InObamasworld -- Michelle Obama doesn't look like Chewbacca.

#InObamasworld -- Nine months of failure equals accomplishment.

If I were a troll, what kind of troll would I be? The kind that stays the fuck away from me.

Hey Obama ... can I get on your enemies list, too? I promise I'll harass you even more.

Imma find someone at twitter and beat them up if they don't get this thing running faster.

@Amusing_Bunni That's what happens when you tell @algore FUCK YOU 30 times in one night.

RT @cprater Cuz something needs to line your bird cage or start your fireplace. RT @GarCasey: Save The Newspapers? Why? http://bit.ly/2YGWIZ

If Balloon Boy's dad goes to prison, I don't see anyone asking him to help with escape plans.

A new word for the lexicon: Gangabama. Means Obama who worries about medicinal ganga while soldiers die and Americans lose jobs.

Obama dithers, support for Afghanistan withers, and another jihadi snake with an IED slithers toward our troops. http://tinyurl.com/ylbtz26

RT @StickeeNotes RT @shellyroche Who's in Big Brother's Database? http://bit.ly/1DXs4e #tlot #c4l #tech | I hope my file corrupts it all.

Next guy who calls a radio show & says this country is racist is getting my foot up his ass. Obama is TERRIBLE. That's truth, not racism.

P.S. Something I said tonight at the excellently intellectual blog Conservative Hideout 2.0:

Democrats, according to Chairman Zero’s own words, are free thinkers, and, as such, this is the reason they can’t come to a decision on health care fuckery. Republicans, meanwhile, only do what they are told. And this is the reason why regular American citizens have arisen in protest against the federal government for over 6 months now.

I guess we’re just doing what we’re told … by the Constitution.

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Shit I Said Somewhere (Most of It Stupid) That You Might Have Missed (And I Bet You Can’t WAIT to Read)