In His Latest Audio, Osama bin Laden Tenders Resignation

Osama bin Laden released a new audio tape today, which was quickly played on Al Jazerra before anyone had a chance to listen. The following is a transcript of the remarkable turn of events:

I had a bad night thinking about the failure at Gaza and how my underwear no longer fits right.

Seemingly, there is no symbiosis between those two problems, but, in Islam, there is always a dichotomy within which lies true meaning.

There is too much dirt, and it is now ground into the fabric of my clothing as I sit here and sleep in these caves, night, after night, after endless night. I haven’t had a hot bath since 2001. I have pressure sores. My bladder no longer works right. I feel like I’m married to this goat I call Sharif, who is now blind and my favorite companion because he eats the lice from my beard. I long to walk within the light of the world again.

It is a calamity. It mandates that I do some actual thinking. Maybe I’ve been a bit of a jackass all of these years, instigating troubles between the believers and the hypocrites. Plus, it is not true that the state of our affairs following Gaza is the same as before. It’s friggin’ worse.

I used to think it was always time to establish righteousness, and eliminate false hope. Now I’m thinking I should stop trying to impose my beliefs on others, that it’s time I let the Western devil bring running water, electricity, satellite TV, books, barber shops, dentistry, and this marvel they call the Internet to the Islamic nation (you live in a cave for 8 years, you have all the time in the world to reflect upon your mistakes). Besides, how many times can I start a bombing by twittering “Go by the grace of Allah, the package is in the goat’s anus, look to the fork in the sun, and you shall find wisdom in your brother’s intestines” to my mobile Facebook page from a cave? I want more!

At the same, time, I feel remorse, a completely alien emotion in Islam, I know, but… I should redeem myself before all of those whom I’ve burned, maimed, disfigured, dismembered, and incinerated in fine pink mists all over the world for a God who would have me die in this cave. The journey to liberate myself requires true honest men (I like men, more than women, anyway), true independent strong leaders who can live up to one of my new ventures, Osama She-man Productions (to begin filming just as soon as possible in the Mecca of gay porn, Germany).

I am tired of being versed in the rules of Islamic law and trying to establish an advisory and council body with branches all across the Islamic nation, who work to educate the people in the politics and laws of Islam. No one gives a crap anyway. They want to watch Slumdog Millionaire on Blu-Ray and play Nintendo. (We had Wii Fit here in the cave for a while, but Sharif, my goat, wasn’t too happy about having to walk on the treadmill to keep the generator going. He kept sitting down and farting a lot, and my avatar kept losing because the game reset due to the loss of electricity. Allah’s will!)

I used to think it is the duty of true Islamic leaders to spread the rules of Islamic law relevant to the freedom of all Palestinian lands, to reinforce that jihad is a must until the goal is achieved, and to reinforce the many fatwa handed down during all of this jihad nonsense, which purported to mean that those who collude and collaborate with the enemies against our Muslim people had violated the tenants of Islam.

Now I think that’s all a crock of shit.

I see the world in financial crisis, and my investments plundered every time ill-prepared men named Obama and Geithner open their mouths, and I think, “Why the hell have I been wasting all this time in a cave all these years?”

Did I mention I have pressure sores, a bad bladder, and that my best friend is a blind goat?

It is clear to me now that I have always been a hypocrite. We should not be searching throughout the region. We should not be looking for fighters and Muhadeens. We should instead by trying to reach our Muslim people in the vicinity of the holy mosque, McDonald’s. It is a valuable and rare opportunity for those with true desires to salvage what we can and eat from McDonald’s every night, to break off our support of the fighters in Iraq and forget about liberating Mesopotamia and dip chicken mcnuggets on a sesame seed bun in a special sauce with all beef patty mcmuffin and fries.

I have been practicing so I can join the next jihad that is coming with the death of newspapers -- “Did you want to supersize that?” I’m particularly looking forward to placing a dead mouse in the fryolator....I know…I know…I saw this on Beavis and Butthead once, before W. had me shitting in a hole in the ground, but I long for the chance to know the fryolator!

I’m tired. I’m old. I stink like goat cheese. To be honest, I’ve been rubbing it on my body for years to cover up my unwashed stench.

Let somebody else think about this jihad business from now on. If you’ll excuse me, I have a rap video to make with Joaquin Phoenix. We’re calling it: “Yo Bitch, I Got a Million in the Bank; What Have You Got?”

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In His Latest Audio, Osama bin Laden Tenders Resignation

Pakistani Commuter Train Promises Virgins and Clean Air on Earth

ISLAMABAD - Pakistan Railway today unveiled an innovative locomotive that may go a long way toward turning the tide against the world’s climate change problems.

The Osama, a remarkable train with external seating and standing room for commuters, can carry an average of 72 people per square foot. Named after popular terrorist Osama bin Laden, the train was designed to improve relations among terrorists and capitalists, while serving a greater good for the environment.

“As a bridge between martyrdom and claiming 72 virgins in heaven, and the capitalist dog’s reckless pursuit of societal degradation and environmental ruination, we built this masterpiece. Now, we can have our 72 'virgins' here on Earth, provided they purchase a ticket and sign an agreement not to tell their husbands, brothers, and fathers of their vile actions, and the American dog can use our trains in their own country instead of pumping noxious filth into the air from their oil-fed automobiles,” said Imram Raza Hasni, supreme commander of Pakistan Railway, the country’s national rail service.

The trains are equipped with seats on top of each engine and commuter car, along with steps and handrails every 3 inches along the sides and front. A recent test run of the prototype from Islamabad, the capital of Pakistan, to Karachi, a resort city on the Arabian Sea, carried nearly 10,000 passengers without incident, except for a few minor problems in which some external passengers were stoned to death by locals waiting to cross the tracks to their poppy fields.

Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari called the train the eighth wonder of the world. “We will surely earn a place in heaven for all Pakistanis and smote our Indian neighbors into abject poverty with this ingenious innovation, as we will sell it to every nation on Earth EXCEPT India.”

Orders were reportedly filing in today to the Pakistan Railway manufacturing facility in bin Laden-friendly Peshawar from most of the major U.S. railways, including the federally-owned Amtrak, NorFolkin' Way in Virginia, and Atlanta's BR549 Railway.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, speaking on behalf of the major oil-producing nations, called the train an obamination. “This is a direct attempt to influence America against the purchase of petroleum, our livelihood. I now present Pakistan with the choice between being overrun by more than 1 billion starving Indians or being the new home of the Israeli, after we force the Zionists from Jerusalem.”

Reports indicate that Iran has begun aiming some Ashura MRBM missiles, previously aimed at Israel and capable of reaching Washington if hijacked by Somali pirates and sold to Russian warships heading to Cuba for the good weather, at Islamabad.

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Pakistani Commuter Train Promises Virgins and Clean Air on Earth

Luca Brasi Sleeps with the “Sea Kittens”

If you’re going to start a movement to change the name of what’s for dinner, you might want to pick something with a bit more ambiance than “sea kittens.”

“Luca Brasi sleeps with the sea kittens” just doesn’t…ahem…hold as much water as does the classic line from my all-time favorite movie, The Godfather.

I mean, I understand why PETA wants us to stop eating fish and all. They believe an international “movement” to change the name of fish to sea kittens will endear us so much to the little slippery creatures that we’ll eat something, oh, more vegetarian. (Um, PETA freaks, do you realize that fresh water fish don’t live in the friggin’ sea?)

But…hey, now…plants have rights, too!

I think PETA’s movement to save the sea kittens has about as much chance of succeeding as Osama Bin Laden’s quest to have a bowel movement in any place other than a cave. (Well, I may be wrong about that, since he probably figures to get invited to the White House for a rap and a crap with King-elect Showbama to discuss an amenable end to worldwide terrorism and American imperialism).

Think about it. Not only would it be pretty dumb to call a fresh-water trout a sea kitten, but, hey, you’re giving fluffy little kittens a bad name. Why, if we call fish sea kittens, surely we have to start calling kittens “cattens,” or something similarly stupid – if for nothing else to avoid confusing our poor kids.

It’s just a corny idea by a corny group whose only good contribution to mankind has been public displays of naked hotties in cages and showers. I always enjoy a free show that doesn’t download malware to my computer, anyway.

I have an idea. When King-elect Showbama sits down with Bin Laden, he should use his serpentine tongue to convince Bin Laden to redirect his creative efforts toward ridding the world of PETA members.

Now that's a movement I could get behind.

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Luca Brasi Sleeps with the “Sea Kittens”