Monday, March 8, 2010

Obama Offers Massachusetts Voters Blotter Acid on Behalf of Coakley; Most Flee

Excuse me while I move some files from the Word Press site over here so I can delete that thing forever. If you didn't see this before, now's your chance!

Previously published 1/17/2010

With time desperately slipping away from the Democratic candidate for the Massachusetts Senate seat, party officials brought in their heavy hitter Sunday, pResident Barack Obama, attempting to distract as SEIU members clubbed excite voters.

But people immediately scattered from the city of Boston, fearing Obama’s stink would bore into their flesh and remain with them for eternity. Only about 50 people gathered, most of them homeless, most there only to conduct body heat, for the rally at Northeastern University, where Obama tossed tabs of blotter acid bearing his likeness into the crowd.

One homeless man picked a hit off the ground and turned it over and, seeing the pResident’s visage, angrily threw it on the ground before shuffling away.

“Dude … you’re supposed to give out free drugs BEFORE you sucker people into buying your shit,” he mumbled to himself. “I was an investment banker 12 months ago and bought your hope and change at cost; now I’m a dumpster diver. I’d say the return on my former ENRON stock was better than my investment in you.”

Still, despite the bleak crowd and desperate look on the face of candidate Massachusetts Attorney General Martha Coakley, who stood nearby kneading the beads of a baphomet rosary, Obama pressed on with his typically impressive teleprompter-assisted, non-Negro dialect.

“We come together here in Boston because that racist tea-bagging Republican Scott Brown poses a grave and growing danger to our agenda,” Obama said, his nose so high in the air you could see inside his empty brain cavitiy. “You would not be here unless you — like me — were convinced that this danger is real. This is not fiction, this is science. Unchecked, Conservative fillibusters will pose unacceptable risks to our plans to take over healthcare, our machinations for new world order, and, most of all, our feelings.

“I believe that we can act boldly, and decisively, in the face of this common threat. And that is why I have come here today. Only Martha Coakley is uniquely qualified to carry on the curroption that eminated from this seat in the Senate, from 1962 until late last year, in the hands of the late, but forever morally bankrupt, Ted Kennedy. Help us continue, in his honor and in his memory, to deliver the best, most vacuous qualities of the Democratic party. You must elect Martha Coakley to the U.S. Senate.”

When Obama finished, he lowered his head enough to look back at where the crowd should have been. They were gone. He turned to find Coakley, but she too had disappeared (and was later rumored to have been kidnapped by Red Sox fans). Obama shrugged and stepped down from the dias and arrogantly started off toward his limosine, blissfully unaware of just how far he and the Democratic Party have grossly underestimated the American people and the party’s staying power.



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