Excuse me while I move some files from the Word Press site over here so I can delete that thing forever. If you didn't see this before, now's your chance!
Previously published 1/5/2010
WASHINGTON – As part of a slew of new and drastic airport security measures unveiled today, pResident Barack Obama made the swift move of replacing Janet Naplolitano as head of Homeland Security with the NBA’s empty pistol packing Gilbert Arenas.
“When a suspected terrorist is able to board a plane with explosives on Christmas Day, the system has failed in a potentially disastrous way,” the pResident said, “and that is why I have decided to take bold action and replace Mr. … I mean … Ms. Napolitano with Gilbert Arenas.”
Arenas, the deft and dumb point guard for the Capitol’s Washington Wizards, had been under investigation for storing an empty handgun in his locker, after sources revealed he and teammate Javaris Crittenton pulled guns on each other Christmas Eve during an argument over a gambling debt.
But that’s all in the past now, the pResident said.
“We don’t have all the facts here, but what we do know is that Arenas acted stupidly, a quality I pride in every member of my administration,” Obama said. “If he’d been in charge of Homeland Security on Christmas Day, the public never would have heard of Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab because Arenas would have jumped on an airplane Christmas Eve and flown to Holland and pulled an empty pistol and pretended to shoot the man, scaring him right out of those underpants. Case closed.”
“If they can get past my crack security detail, they can help us find the next waive of underwear bombers, since it’s well-known that most terrorists don’t even wear underwear, for it interferes with their man-goat love,” Obama said, adding he was making the project known to the public in order to “project my calm on the American people.”
Obama announced other security measures, all suggested by Arenas, that will take effect immediately, including requiring all U.S.-bound passengers to wear see-through clothing made of plastic wrap.
Anyone suspected of terrorism will be hauled off the airplane prior to takeoff and forced into stupid handgun games you would only ask a Democrat to play, such as Russian roulette, putting on a flak jacket and having someone shoot you at point blank range, and trying to catch a bullet with your teeth.
“That ought to improve our chances of catching more than 1 in 4 people who would like to affect a man-caused disaster while flying to this sorry ass nation that everybody outside our borders hates, and for good reason, since we suck,” Obama said.