Monday, March 8, 2010

The Night Before Kwanzaa

Excuse me while I move some files from the Word Press site over here so I can delete that thing forever. If you didn't see this before, now's your chance!

Previously published 12/16/2009

A guest post by Ex-Parrot

Admin SB: This is the second part of our Feed Your ADHD Christmas Bonus. Click here for post #1. We’d also like to welcome Ex-Parrot, who’s new to blogging but not to snarking. Enjoy!

Twas the night before Kwanzaa, and throughout the White House,

Not a Kenyan was stirring, not even his spouse.

No stockings were hung from the chimney with care,

Because greenhouse emissions would heat up the air.

The children were each tucked away in their beds,

No nightmares of Public School troubling their heads.

Michelle in her ‘kerchief, The One in his cap,

Were yelling at Biden for his latest mishap.

When, out from the TV, there arose Cable Chatter,

The One sprang from his seat and yelled, “Uh…at least I get paid, bitches.”

Away from the TV he sprang with a flash,

And down to the bunker he went, to his Stash.

The money he stole was heaped up like green snow,

The money he stole was heaped up like green snow,

And he giggled at something that we’ll never know.

“These poor little fools, if they’d only knew.”

“What a smile and a lie and my media could do.”

Upstairs, way above, he returned awful quick,

He knew in a moment he’d see ol’…Robert Gibbs.

That’s right, Robert Gibbs, did you expect ol’ Saint Nick?

That’d offend all the Muslims, you stupid dumb hick.

“Hey Gibbs, did we hit 11% yet?” he asked with a twinkle,

“Almost,” replied Gibbs, then shot off to tinkle,

On returning, he said, “Its those damn Bush tax cuts — they’re holding us back.”

Together they pondered this troubling fact.

Then suddenly, it came to him: he needed his crew.

He called them by name, they’d know what to do.

“Now Holder!, now Bernanke! now, Geithner and Clinton!

“On, Reid! On, Pelosi! On, Frank with your lispin’!”

In the front doors they strode, as if ready for war.

Or rather, an “overseas contingency operation,” a la Pauly Shore.

Their cheeks were all rosy, a crimson sensation!

Like the bloody remains of pro-choice legislation.

They began their discussion…but first you should know,

It began with a shout-out to Joe Medicine Crow,

Then, turning as one to Obama, they said it:

“Take that tired Constitution – and shred it!”

And followed with what every progressive is taught,

“Combat all truth with irrational thought.”

“And accuse everyone of being a Nazi!”

Yelled Pelosi, like she’d just won Yahtzee.

“And get on TV more, and always attack,”

Said Reid, and then added, “And keep being black!”

“And Keep being black!” they chorused together,

The race card was proof against near any weather.

Geithner, he wanted a break on his next tax return.

And Mrs. Clinton suggested innocently, “Hire a cute intern…?”

Michelle, incensed, threw a fist towards Hillary,

But Mrs. Clinton, first blooded in Bosnia, she ducked that artillery.

But how she’d survive more, everyone wondered,

For Michelle had arms bigger than the cast of 300.

“Women…Ladies…calm down,” said the President, “Calm down!”

“That’s why we’ve got Biden — for beating around!”

“Yep, that’s my job,” said Biden so smugly,

“Now take your best shot, you ladies so fugly.”

Together, they beat him, including Rep. Frank,


(in order to prove that he too was a skank).

It was sort of amusing, the VP was tough,

He just smiled a lot and laughed and stuff.

So charming, in fact, and jolly was he,

That if it weren’t Kwanzaa it’d be…Christmasy!

The tears came a’flowing, their eyes were all hazy,

This stuff about Kwanzaa was patently kwazy.

Together, they swore they would turn a new leaf,

And not bring our fabulous country to grief.

They’d be fair to everyone, lower taxes for all.

And defend America, and –

The President broke in, “Hold ON a minute, can I keep my Stash? No!?!?”

“Well…let me be clear: screw Christmas, Merry Kwanzaa – and good, night bitches!”


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