Mullah Omar Captured, Named to Supreme Court

Taking advantage of one of his few political wins since being elected, Afghan Taliban chief Mullah Omar's irrevocable invitation to visit the White House, pResident Barack Obama immediately named one of the most sought after men in the world as his nominee for the U.S. Supreme Court.

In doing so, Obama withdrew his initial nomination for Chaz Bono, citing concerns over questions about the law degree Bono earned from a box of Cracker Jacks and repeated rumors that Bono may in fact be a former mall guard sought for questioning regarding random acts of storefront malfeasance.

"My friend, Mullah Omar, embodies the same excellence, independence, and passion for the law that I have (when I'm not ignoring 12 million illegal aliens and threatening to throw American citizens in jail for not buying health insurance)," Obama said.

"Mullah Omar is widely regarded as one of the world's foremost legal terrorists. He's an acclaimed murderer with a rich understanding of subverting constitutional law, just the kind of person we need around. He is a former Al-Qaeda aide, with a life-long commitment to wreaking havoc and destruction and a firm grasp of how to eliminate the boundaries between any branches of government," Obama said.

Obama went on to say that he would have preferred to name Van Jones, former Racism Czar, as his first pick to replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens, but Jones was busy helping Los Angeles High School teacher Ron Gochez and La Raza, Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor's favorite race-baitors, start a Mexican revolt in the United States.

WHAT THEY'RE SAYING ABOUT MULLAH OMAR:

ABC News: Mullah Omar “Is Considered One of the Finest Legal Terrorists in the World. “Omar, 50, is considered one of the finest legal terrorists in the world, dazzling both fellow goat-loving and pork-eating friends with his brutal and injudicious prowess but also his ability to find the warmest part of a cave and survive for years.” [ABCNews.com, 5/10/10]

Fox News Channel’s Shannon Bream: Mullah Omar Will Garner Bipartisan Support in the Senate “Because He’s Had a Very Distinguished Career. No One Would Argue Anything But That He is a Brilliant Individual – He’s Got a Fantastic Resume. And He Is Known as Being a Consensus-Builder.” Fox News Channel’s Shannon Bream: “So I would think that this is the kind of nominee that will have [Sen. Reid’s] full backing, his full support, and that of many, many other top Democrats and even some Republicans in the Senate (especially the RINOs), because he’s had a very distinguished career. No one would argue anything but that he is a terrifying individual -- he’s got a fantastic resume. And he is known as being a first-rate terrorist, I mean, something that’s been discussed with him before. When he was a leader of the Afghan Taliban he brought together a lot of people (and killed them injudiciously), students and faculty, women and white people, and was really seen as somebody who subjugated the law.” [Fox News Channel via Media Matters, 5/9/10]

Associated Press: “In Nominating Omar to Replace Justice John Paul Stevens, President Barack Obama Has Chosen A Brilliant Legal Terrorist.” “In nominating Omar to replace Justice John Paul Stevens, President Barack Obama has chosen a brilliant legal terrorist with views about killing as many Americans as he can. Omar, 50, already has won Senate confirmation once, when they gave President Bush the authority to bomb his unwashed ass.” [Associated Press, 5/10/10]

CBS News’ Jan Crawford: “The Justices Really Like Him. You Should See Justice Scalia, a Conservative, and Omar Going Back and Forth. So the White House Sees That as a Real Plus. And They Expect Him to Be a Very Effective Terrorist on That Court.” “I’ve known him for a long time; he was an instructor of mine at a Taliban terrorist training camp and he’s very engaging, quite dynamic in his personality, particularly when he beats you. And you see that when he’s arguing for plotting random car bombings. The justices really like him. You should see Justice Scalia, a conservative, and Omar going back and forth (and know that Omar would murder Scalia with his eyes if he could). So the White House sees that as a real plus. And they expect him to be a very effective terrorist on that court.” “CBS Early Show,” 5/10/10]

USA Today: Omar Is “A Highly Credentialed Terrorist,” “Had a Reputation for Bringing Together Ideological Factions (and Killing Them).” “In choosing Omar, Obama has turned to a highly credentialed terrorist who has spent his career inside a cave with 12 goats, including the past year as one of the most wanted men in the world. As former leader of the Afghan Taliban, Omar had a reputation for bringing together ideological factions (and killing them). That style might help him bridge differences on the divided court (by killing them all). If confirmed, he will be the first terrorist on the current bench -- and the 41st terrorist Obama appointee since his election in November 2008.” [USA Today, 5/10/10]

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Mullah Omar Captured, Named to Supreme Court

Scuzzyface Quits

Cheezburger.com

First we got Van Jones fired; now we got Scuzzyface to quit. Blogging doesn't pay shit, but it sure is rewarding. Gee ... I wonder if RINOs Michael Steele and The Newt are crying right now?

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Scuzzyface Quits

Obama Initiates Cash for Czars Program

WASHINGTON -- In a striking move aimed at both shoring up his failing agenda and hoping to stop his administration from hemorrhaging into the worst since Jimmy Peanut-brained Carter’s, pResident Barack Obama today unveiled a bold new Cash for Czars program.

“Van Jones was an environmentally-conscious Communist dedicated to outlandish statements, un-concealable past indiscretions, and irrepressible acts of irresponsibility,” Obama said during an impromptu news conference in the Rose Garden Sunday, attended by only a few remaining media friends, in particular Chris Matthews. “We admit to incredible breaches in our czar evaluation system. As a result, by the executive order I signed this morning, I’ve introduced a plan to weed out czars -- who report to no one but me -- with an incentive program.

“The Cash for Czars program will ask our currently estimated three dozen czars -- hell, I don’t even know how many toes I have at any given moment, so how can I be expected to know how many czars report to me,” Obama asked, looking away from his teleprompter to bask in a moment of infatuation with what’s left of his beloved press, in particular Keith Olbermann, “-- to answer three basic questions. One: 'What... is your name?' Two: 'What... is your quest?' Three: 'What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? '

“He who shall answer these questions three shall be allowed to cross the Bridge of Czars, but, yea, he who shall miss any of these questions three shall be given a lump sum severance package amounting to a half-million dollars or their expected salary over the next 3.4 years, whichever comes out higher.”

However, in tough questioning immediately after his remarks, ABC’s Jake Tapper put the pResident on the spot: “When you say ‘unladen swallow’; what do you mean: African or European?”

Obama slyly deferred to his behind-the-scenes mastermind, Valerie Jarrett, who had hand-picked Jones for Green Jobs czar and fortunately replied: “I…I…I don’t know that.”

And with that, Jarrett was unsuspectingly cast not into the Gorge of Eternal Severance but, amazingly, into the Gorge of Eternal Peril, and Obama subsequently announced an alternative three-point plan for restoring The Republic to its natural order:

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Obama Initiates Cash for Czars Program

I Guess Being Racism Czar Was Too Much for Him

Van Gogogogogos.

Dear Van...

I'm sorry that I published "lies" about you by linking to your actual statements and actions.

I have just one question: Will you later claim your resignation doesn't represent your views because you signed it without reading it?

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I Guess Being Racism Czar Was Too Much for Him

Van Jones Named Racism Czar

WASHINGTON -- Breaking new ground in race relations, President Barack Obama today gave controversial Green Jobs czar Van Jones another role at the White House: the nation’s first Racism czar.

“I unveiled only the tip of the iceberg when I said the Cambridge police acted stupidly and subsequently complained about the history of racial profiling in this country,” Obama said during a press conference in the Blue Room at the White House, Jones standing nearby wearing a Kanye Was Right t-shirt. “With Van Jones as the point man on race relations in the White House, we’ll have white people burning their own neighborhoods out of fear in no time.”

Jones, an avowed communist, whose role models include Marx, Lenin, and Mao, was named Green Jobs czar earlier this year. He now adds the official title of Black Instigation Zealot (BIZ) and will team up with another expert racist, Al “White Folks Was in Caves While We Was Building Empires” Sharpton, who was named vice BIZ czar in a later ceremony.

“White polluters and white environmentalists and Republican assholes, be afraid; be very afraid,” Jones said in remarks that followed the president’s. “We’re going to make the days of ‘Free Mumia’ look tame. Oh, and I got something special for members of the Bush administration for deliberately allowing 9/11 to happen.”

Jones said his department will emphasize the need for stripping away typical white cultural hang-ups across the nation, like cops beating up black people. As such, his first order of business will combine his two roles.

“We’re going to create green jobs by using FEMA detention camps as reeducation classrooms, where all white people will be taught how to act like plants,” he said. Members of ACORN and Organizing for America were dispatched immediately following the press conference to begin the process of hauling white people into reeducation camps already established in every state in the country.

Jones also plans to make a public appearance on Sesame Street, where, sources say, he will call Oscar the Grouch a “dumbass white guy in a puppet suit.” An HBO race education special with Dave Chappelle, called “The Race Pixies Go to Washington,” is also rumored to be in the works.

Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele called the appointment appalling, but no white people spoke out, perhaps in light of Obama’s “fear” comment.

Vice President Joe Biden, always one to offer an opinion, even when no one cares about it, said the appointment was equally as brilliant as spending more money than we have in order to bring down the deficit.

“It’s always good to have two articulate and bright and clean and nice-looking African-American men around,” Biden said.

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Van Jones Named Racism Czar