Shit I Said Somewhere (Most of It Stupid) That You Might Have Missed (And I Bet You Can’t WAIT to Read)

To be honest, I have a high pressure job that demands, I say demands, diversion. After all, Dr. Drama can’t be cool all 1 percent of his time, mind you: He needs to entertain (himself).

I used to write this shit down in one of those little shirt-pocket notebooks -- until I realized I looked like a pencil-necked geek. Now I just look like a geek, without a notebook in his shirt pocket, because I post this stuff on Twitter, Facebook, and the sites of other bloggers.

Why not? It’s not like anyone’s paying me per word, or paying attention.

So here are a few diversions I took part in this past week to keep me from going postal. You know, acting really, really slow, like you don’t give 2 shits about your job, deliberately taking lunch at the most inopportune time, so that the line of 20 people waiting to mail something doubles to 40 by the time you finish eating your quadruple-decker sandwich fit for a fat fucking government employee.

Ah … life must be good when you’re attached to the government teet.
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[Said at Tereseamerica’s place in the direction of a fucking Eric Holder-hired piece of shit troll twit who's been hounding Teresa's place for weeks and tried to hassle her and yours truly on Twitter the other day.] @nyp (Not Your fucking Place) If you don't have a small penis, does that mean you're a lovely term the British use to denigrate people? I've read your comments for weeks. I believe the term is quite fitting.

[Also said at Teresamerica’s place]: @nyp Say hello to Eric Holder for me and tell him I said to go fuck himself (after you fuck him, of course).

“Rejecting socialism is not racism…it’s patriotism. #UCK OBAMA.” -- from the sign outside Mulligans Food and Spirits in Marietta, Ga.

[Said @Dick Bacon’s Facebook page in response to his admission that he was “just saying how my one lib friend never talks to me, and then I get into this great big long conversation with her! It’s really serendipitous!”] Nah, Dick, it’s really like this: I ate all of my liberal friends because Al Gore told me I needed to help clean up the planet.

BREAKING: Michelle Obama was rushed to the hospital this morning to have a hula hoop surgically removed from around her hips.

If Barack Obama hates America so much he wants to remake it into Europe-lite, he should run for president of the EU and leave, as soon as fucking possible.

I don't know about the White House's enemies list; I'm not big enough to be on it. But I do know who's number one on mine: Chairman Zero.

RT @politeracy @mikepfs Yellow Snowe. | Democrats, little ignorants that they are, eat it; conservatives just want spring to come & melt it.

@KingShamus That's me, reversing Faulkner and bringing chaos to order.

BREAKING! Logging into Twitter now takes only 48 hours.

@patdollard RE: Palin. I like her spunk ... but she ain't even close to being the one. In fact, there isn't a "one." That's the problem.

It might not take a village to raise one child, but it certainly takes one president to screw up an entire village.

RT @politeracy @ADHDsnark The only thing a Village has ever raised is a Village Idiot. | Only village idiot I know has a Nobel Peace Prize.

#InObamasworld -- Hope and change mean “Mao is my favorite political philosopher.”

#InObamasworld -- Joe Biden is a brilliant adviser.

#InObamasworld -- Grandma don't need no new hip; she needs the blue pill.

#InObamasworld -- CNN is a great news organization.

#InObamasworld -- Michelle Obama doesn't look like Chewbacca.

#InObamasworld -- Nine months of failure equals accomplishment.

If I were a troll, what kind of troll would I be? The kind that stays the fuck away from me.

Hey Obama ... can I get on your enemies list, too? I promise I'll harass you even more.

Imma find someone at twitter and beat them up if they don't get this thing running faster.

@Amusing_Bunni That's what happens when you tell @algore FUCK YOU 30 times in one night.

RT @cprater Cuz something needs to line your bird cage or start your fireplace. RT @GarCasey: Save The Newspapers? Why? http://bit.ly/2YGWIZ

If Balloon Boy's dad goes to prison, I don't see anyone asking him to help with escape plans.

A new word for the lexicon: Gangabama. Means Obama who worries about medicinal ganga while soldiers die and Americans lose jobs.

Obama dithers, support for Afghanistan withers, and another jihadi snake with an IED slithers toward our troops. http://tinyurl.com/ylbtz26

RT @StickeeNotes RT @shellyroche Who's in Big Brother's Database? http://bit.ly/1DXs4e #tlot #c4l #tech | I hope my file corrupts it all.

Next guy who calls a radio show & says this country is racist is getting my foot up his ass. Obama is TERRIBLE. That's truth, not racism.

P.S. Something I said tonight at the excellently intellectual blog Conservative Hideout 2.0:

Democrats, according to Chairman Zero’s own words, are free thinkers, and, as such, this is the reason they can’t come to a decision on health care fuckery. Republicans, meanwhile, only do what they are told. And this is the reason why regular American citizens have arisen in protest against the federal government for over 6 months now.

I guess we’re just doing what we’re told … by the Constitution.

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Shit I Said Somewhere (Most of It Stupid) That You Might Have Missed (And I Bet You Can’t WAIT to Read)

25 Friggin’ Random Things About Me That Facebook Doesn’t Own

Earlier this week, Facebook made the bonehead move (I’d say “of the week,” but then the president signed GoFrigYourselfus and trumped all such claims for the foreseeable future) of changing its licensing policy.

By posting User Content to any part of the Site, you automatically grant, and you represent and warrant that you have the right to grant, to the Company an irrevocable, perpetual, non-exclusive, transferable, fully paid, worldwide license (with the right to sublicense) to use, copy, publicly perform, publicly display, reformat, translate, excerpt (in whole or in part) and distribute such User Content for any purpose, commercial, advertising, or otherwise, on or in connection with the Site or the promotion thereof, to prepare derivative works of, or incorporate into other works, such User Content, and to grant and authorize sublicenses of the foregoing.

Naturally, Facebook users had a friggin’ Boston Tea Party, in our silly way. (My contribution was virtually “flipping the bird” at Facebook for the day...puerile, I know, but it made me happy.)

The revolt worked. Facebook backed off…for now.

My issue wasn’t -- and still isn’t -- about “privacy.” It’s about ownership: The links from Facebook back to this blog and the content from here that I post on Facebook didn’t come from Facebook, isn’t owned by Facebook, and Facebook can go frig themselves if they think they can ever reuse it without crediting me.

So…I’m posting here my mindless contribution...as goofy as this thing is...to the “25 Random Things About Me” craze that swept Facebook earlier this month, so that it’s officially recorded as being mine.

Posted on Facebook, 2/14/2009

1. I just finished a friggin' hilarious blog post about Nadya Suleman called "The Adventures of Womb Woman."
2. Now I'm cracking open a beer (after midnight)....and it ain't no friggin' cheap-ass Budweiser.
3. I've been tagged a half dozen times with this exercise in the last week or so, and...while I appreciate the interest...this is the only time I'll respond...I have other friggin' nonsense to write. (That said, I'm tagging a bunch of you...those who've tagged me already...and those who haven't....so if I rub you wrong...friggin' sue me!)
4. I stepped on a rusty nail on my 5th birthday. I stepped on a rusty nail the following year. Therefore, I am intimately familiar with tetanus shots and the paralysis they can impart on your arm.
5. I once traded a Susan B. Anthony for a pack of Topps baseball cards. I got a Cal Ripken. It was worth it.
6. I have more shit that I've kept since I was a kid than my wife can possibly comprehend...if she really knew, she'd have me sell it (for nothing)...or burn it... just to free up space for the kids' crap we've kept since they were born.
7. My first car was a Ford. My second was a Datsun (that's a Nissan, for you newcomers). I have many fond memories of the reclining seats of both.
8. I liked the Ford a hell of a lot more, however. I've owned only one "foreign" car since (a Mazda). I'll now own Fords until they die or I do.
9. I joined the Army the day after Reagan bombed Moammar Qaddafii. Reagan's gone (We could always use him again, though). Qaddaffi's still in power; go figure.
10. I lived in Germany for about 4 years, 3 in the Army, 1 as a civilian. I know every bar in the city of Frankfurt ...I speak fluent German only when under the influence...and I can't wait to take my wife there whenever the friggin' economy gives me a break.
11. I was the lead singer in a metal band called False Premise when I was in Germany. We sucked...royally. But I had the time of my life. Thanks...the ladies will remain unnamed.
12. I never made it to Hollywood to follow in the footsteps of my boyhood heroes: Mötley Crue, Ozzy, and the Sex Pistols. I'm really friggin' glad I didn't.
13. I was pretty sure at the age of 20 that I'd never live past the age of 30. I still don't know how I made it into my 40s.
14. I went to college in a town called California. It's south of Pittsburgh. I met my wife there. She saved my ass. I'm eternally in her debt. I also met many of my lifelong friends there. I also learned to root for the Steelers, and will never root for another.
15. I was a reporter for the newspaper publisher who spent more money trying to bring down Bill Clinton than anyone (Pittsburgh Tribune-Review). It was a bizarre time. The newsroom wasn't always a pleasant place to be.
16. Working for a newspaper, particularly that newspaper, was one of the most interesting things I've ever done. Nine years later, I'm still in touch with many of the people I worked with...and I still remember all 47 going away parties I attended, including mine.
17. I have been a writer since I was a child. I didn't know shit about writing, however, until I met Alan Natal in California. I will forever owe him. I friggin' LOVE YOU man...and I always will. "We were somewhere outside Barstow when the drugs began to take hold."
18. I know about 3 dozen other people who owe Alan Natali as much as I do...and I know they love him, too.
19. And all of us owe Ron Forsythe just as much. I hope you're giving Zeus an earful, my friend.
20. I have been married for 10 years to my wonderful wife, ZZZZZ, and I owe her my life.
21. Then again, she talked me into having 2 children...so I'll never forgive her. We all need balance in this life.
22. So much so, that I'm willing to concede that my children are the second greatest thing that's ever happened to me. My wife is the first.
23. But all three of them have contributed to my becoming a blogger: the end of the day is made for resolutions, and there's nothing more resolving than blogging like a friggin' maniac about anything that will bring you peace. Writing is striking from behind the mask: I am SO glad there's always someone out there to take what I'm dishing out.
24. Somewhere along my first week of blogging I fell into doing satire. I'm never friggin' going back.
25. My favorite word is "FUCK"...just don't tell my kids. (They think it's "GOTOBEDNOW!")

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25 Friggin’ Random Things About Me That Facebook Doesn’t Own