Most of the 278 passengers on the plane were rightwing teabagging mobsters from flyover country heading to Detroit to plot the overthrow of Congressional Democrats — by voting in elections in November 2010. The incident is rumored to be the first in a chain of bombings throughout the country in which Democrats, terrified of losing numerous Congressional seats next year, plan to blow up their opposition to remain in control of the country.
Sources say Reid was also offended that passengers were planning to celebrate the Christian holiday, Christmas, instead of the federal holiday adopted last week in honor of pResident Barack Obama,Ramahannakwanzmas. In reality, however, the mandated celebration doesn’t kick in until 2014. It’s only the tax on our every last thought, in order to fund Congressional kickbacks, that starts immediately on January 1.
Reid, ironically, was involved in another strange incident on Christmas Eve, when he had himself waterboarded 183 times for accidentally voting “no” on the historic legislation.
Nearby passengers said they heard a popping sound coming from Reid’s seat before noticing a puff of smoke.
“It sounded like a firecracker going off in his ass,” said Paul Revere, a passenger from 1776.
One passenger jumped on Reid and knocked him down as he started to run down the aisle toward the cockpit, screaming “Obamau Akbar!” As he fell, Reid’s head cracked open on an armrest.
A pea fell out.
Witnesses said the fire appeared to have started in the vicinity of Reid’s underwear. After the plane landed safely, Reid was hauled away by law enforcement officials, pantless, his legs burned, his crotch … strangely … absent of male genitalia.
Former basketball star and underwear expert Michael Jordan said Reid should have worn Haynes, as the popular brand doesn’t cause any friction by riding up your legs. One witness said it appeared Reid WAS wearing Haynes … but panties from the company’s women’s collection … which would explain the friction and near explosion.
In other news, The Wicked Witch of Congress was arrested this morning during a Sunday mass at St. Dominic’s Catholic Church in San Francisco for trying to pass herself off as a blow-up doll stuffed in a closet near the Narthex. Sources said she had explosives packed inside her chest, which immediately gave her away because everyone knows The Wicked Witch doesn’t look like this:
Despite persistent rumors of the incidents being part of a Democratic conspiracy to maintain control of Congress, the White House said they were not related and that Americans have nothing to fear and should just go back to watching their new Blu-Ray DVDs on their new big screen TVs and hum mmm mmm mmm.