Now, that’s the progress my hard-working parents always dreamed I would discover!
The news is so impressive it demands a listing of the most wanted creatures wandering the halls of the Senate and House of Representatives, critters who curiously blame other rich people for the country’s economic problems while they mask takeovers of huge swaths of the private sector and individual middle class freedoms under the guise of moral indignation against the greedy.
So, here are the 10 Most Wanted Congresscritters that immediately come to my mind.
10. Alan Grayson … wanted for needing a butt plug shoved so far down his throat it ends up in his spleen, for being a complete ass in the face of opposition by getting all Alinsky-like: “If you get sick, America, the Republicans’ health care plan is this: Die quickly.” He rounds out the top 10 for having the visage of Shrek without any of the movie character’s class or humility, and for being far too ugly inside to ever come close to bagging even the cartoon caricature of Cameron Diaz.
8. John Kerry … is a wanted man for making it necessary to enter the following question into our political lexicon: “Why the long face, John?” Certainly, Kerry warrants being on this list for “swift”-ly going where no one has gone before (or should go, without being tried for treason) and for sticking to his lack of morals and continuing his long history of bashing our troops then, and recently. Finally, Kerry makes my list for redefining the definition of flip-flopper (and, in so doing, showing us why he wasn’t worthy of holding a president’s bath water, let alone holding the strings of an entire country).
7. Barney Frank … for being a right round like a record player baby whose had more bounces on pogo sticks than any other Congresscritter who likes national wealth share. I’m also putting him on this list for not being able to say wewielble correctly and for ruining every current adult’s childhood memories of Elmer Fudd. He also belongs for having the audacity to “not recognize” what pot plants look like when they grow in your own home and for letting a gay prostitution ring run in his house. Naturally, being a fat fucking Congressman who supports public health care gets him on this list, as does his sodomizing 300 million Americans ever time he votes. Anyone saddled with a song called The Banking Queen should be on any most wanted list of Congresscritters. He’s been a pretty bad banking queen at that, what with his long-running threesome with Fannie and Freddie(well, he took on Fannie only because she came with Freddie, his most favorite male prostitute of all time aside from his hometown bank. And Frank makes my list for speaking to the people he represents in the following manner: “Trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table,” he said. “I have no interest in doing it.”
5. Arlen Specter … once a Democrat, always a Democrat. In fact, I covered in depth the reasons Sen. Sphincter is on this list back in February and April. Here’s a little taste: “I support Porkulus because I’m a dope of epic proportions. Not only did I start my political career as a Democrat, but you have me to thank for the invention of the asinine single-bullet theory in the Warren Commission Report. Being only a paper supporter of the 2nd Amendment and not actually owning any weapons (accept for the pen I use to sign big-spending legislation), I don’t have any concept of the trajectory of bullets or what happens if one would enter two human bodies and supposedly skewer 15 layers of clothing, 7 layers of skin, and some 15 inches of tissue, striking a necktie knot, eviscerating 4 inches of rib, and shattering a radius bone along the way. I would think that bullet would appear pretty pristine, don’t you? Yeah. I told you I fell out of someone’s ass.”
1. Nancy Pelosi … naturally, the Wicked Witch of Congress takes top billing on any most wanted Congresscritter list, for several reasons. First, for being next to last on Amazon.com’s best seller list and for running the … ahem … “most ethical” Congress in history and for getting me Google hits for the search term “Nancy Pelosi in bathing suit.” She has permanently ruined how I’ll remember One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nestand Botox and makes Christopher Dodd’s lying look amateurish for her knowing but not knowing then remembering that it was all Bush’s fault the CIA waterbaorded Khalid Sheikh Mohammed 183 times and stopped a terrorist attack against American people. I gave her top billing for establishing her own federal travel agencyand for offering us jail for not buying PelosiCare and for being so fond of the $787 billion Porkulus bill that saved or created 30,000 jobs that she wants to stick us with another “jobs” bill, one that assuredly will be created with saving only one job in mind — her own come November 2010.
Honorable mention votes go to Diane Feinstein, Pat Leahy, Fritz Schumer, and Maxine Waters. Finally, these most wannabe Democrats received honorable RINO mentions: Olympia Snowe, Susan Collins, Anh Joseph Cao, and the Republican 8.