My Baloney Has a First Name ...

My baloney has a first name

It's B ... A ... R ... A ... C ... K

My baloney has a second name

It's O ... B ... A ... M ... A

Oh, I like to heckle it every day

And if you ask me why I'll say

Because everything that moron says

Is full of Marxist C ... R ... A ... P

*

My Baloney Has a First Name ...

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello on "Unemployment"

Internet meme....

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good subject. Terrible times. It's about 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE!! Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ... they are out of work!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To who?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of
work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down
the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So, there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the
two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what I just said!

And now, you know why Obama's unemployment figures are improving.


H/T: Suzibasterd

Linked by Conservative Hideout.

*

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello on "Unemployment"

Desperado: The Official Obama 2012 Campaign Song

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out campaigning for so long now
Oh, you're a weak one
Though we know you think you're Jesus
This money you beg for
You won't find it somehow

Don't you invoke executive privilege, boy
We'll beat you if we're able
You know hiding the truth is always your worst bet

Now it seems to me, the easy way
Was handed to you by default
But you only want the money you can't get

Desperado, oh, your campaign ain't gettin' easier
Your blame and plunder, they're drivin' us mad
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just something you ignore
Your prison is waiting when we toss you out the door

Don't your feet get cold when the polls go south?
Your lies get bigger when you open your mouth
It's hard to tell the ignorant from the insane
You're losin' all your party base
Ain't it funny how the voters go away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Stop begging for money, forget that November date
It may be rainin', but there's no  rainbow above you
You better quit while you're behind, before it's too late

UPDATE: Linked by IMAO. THANKS!

*

Desperado: The Official Obama 2012 Campaign Song

The CrackaCrib Spangled Banner

I saw this tweeted today on Twitter and just couldn't help but share it with my fellow crazy crackers out there (courtesy @CrackaCrib):

O say can't you see that my crib's got your life
What you sleep through @ night'll be your undoing.
With broad stokes of my pen, through the force of my bills
O'er you I will rule, your minds no longer thinking
And with my badass stare
My middle finger in the air
I'll give you proof aright
About the constituion I don't care
O say does your conscience even know how close I am
To destroying what you call free and deleting what you can't save.

*

The CrackaCrib Spangled Banner

UPDATE+ Please Nuke Me

With apologies to Peter Gabriel...

Please nuke me
Help me remake my country
Putting teabagging to an end
I want to be your friend

Please nuke me
We need to be like Mao you see
I only have until two-thousand ten
I want to be your friend

Please nuke me (pretty please?)
I’m pushing for the new malaise
Tearing down the rich again
I want to be your friend

You got the rogue state, that's okay
Who needs security anyway
I got no common sense, bow down to your might
Call me in the White House if it all turns out right (Allright)

Please nuke me (please?)
Otherwise they’ll be coming for me
Stealing back majority again
I want to be your friend

Be-ee my friend, I wanna be your friend... [repeated several times]

You got the rogue state, that's okay
Who needs security anyway
I got no common sense, bow down to your might
Call me in the White House if it all turns out right (Allright)

A PhotoChop by Jamie

*

UPDATE+ Please Nuke Me

Real Men of Genius: Joe Biden

THIS is a big fucking deal.

*

Real Men of Genius: Joe Biden

RAHMBO WASH! Rinse Away All Your Political Troubles!

Art by Jamie

Hi! Vince, here. I know I went a little nuts when I beat the hell out of that hooker in Miami. But I'm all better now, since the Democratic Party hired me. And boy have I got a product for you.

Having a tough time getting that last vote? Tired of making backroom deals only to see them evaporate and destroy your political career? Are you one step away from pushing your caucus over the cliff for the sake of a bloated government entitlement?

You won't be with RAHMBO WASH!

It's like a trip to Fort Marcy Park. It's like a drive over the Chappaquiddick with Ted Kennedy but without all the mess. It's like cheating on your taxes and getting away with it!

You see, regular poltical tricks don't work when 60 percent of the country wants your blood. This works scared or crazy ... even whenever selling your mother and strapping your children to the front of a locomotive just isn't enough.

This is for the Oval Office, the Blair House, Congressional chambers, your local townhall meeting!

RAHMBO WASH! cleans away twenty times the political troubles. Look at this! It turns a mild-mannered lameduck Congressmen into a ruthless lying flip flopper. It doesn't drip, doesn't make a mess. You water it down, lather it on Bart Stupak, and you've got your vote, abortion funding and all! And you don't even have to get naked with him in the shower!

It's made in Chicago, you know the Chicago Way always makes good stuff.

You can dump half into an old milk jug, use one to keep your no votes in line, use the other to convince a few Republicans to join your side!

SEIU workers, they use it to grease elections. Look at that! Completely stolen! Here's a bill that hasn't been written, dump some Rasmussen polls, Republican nos, and tea bags on it. Now that is going to smell. See that?

The most cleansing thing -- now we're gonna do this in real time -- look at this! Douse it on the bill, turn it over! Without even putting pressure, fifty percent of it's back to the Senate for reconciliation. The other 50 percent, it's passed with every party member in line!

I don't know, it sells itself!

Now, here's what were gonna do: if you call within the next 20 minutes, because we've been trying to sell this health care bill for a year, we'll throw in the RAHMBO Shower Gel and Scrubbie, both guaranteed to twist your adversary's arm, absolutely free! And we'll even give you a back shave.

You'll be saying I'll be getting cash with RAHMBO WASH! every time.

Here's how to order.

Cross-posted at This Blog Is Too Cool for a Name

*

RAHMBO WASH! Rinse Away All Your Political Troubles!

Nostalgic Repost Time!!!

Here's one from a few months ago I think you'll like. It was written back before BarryO had made his transformation from bumbling idiot to predatory marxist.

Barry greatest 100 days ever

President Obama is getting dressed for a TV interview regarding his first 100 days in office.

[Obama, to himself] "Hmmm. 100 days already. By my calculations, my first year in office is already 27.4% passed. Dang! That means my first term is already almost 7% passed! Where did the time go?!? At this rate, my 10 years in office are already almost 3% elapsed! There's still so much to do!"

[Michelle O] "Hurry up in there! Get your scrawny behind outta that bathroom!"

[Obama] "Almost done. One last thing!" [Looks in mirror] "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the coolest Prez of all?" [Admires reflection] "That's what I thought."

[Obama] "All yours. And babe, I really love that extra mirror you had installed in the bathroom."

[Michelle O] "Fool! I put that mirror up there for ME! So I can see my sculpted body from every angle! Quit wasting it on yourself!"

[Obama] "Sorry. I'm headed down to the oval office for soundcheck."
---------------------
Obama arrives in Oval Office. Adjusts TelePrompter for optimal viewing.

[Obama] " 'Prompter, 'Promter, on the stand, who's the best Prez in the land?"

[TelePrompter] "Roy Wisniewski"

[Obama] "Whaaa??"

[TelePrompter] "Yes. Roy Wisniewski. He's the president of the Rotary Club of Camden, New Jersey. Everybody loves the guy. He is an excellent administrator and unmatched in all forms of charitable fund-raising."

[Obama] "Why you little piece of [bleep]!" [Obama lunges towards TelePromter and gives it a karate kick] "Take that!"

TelePrompter wobbles slightly before settling back in its normal upright position, undamaged.

[TelePrompter, in HAL9000 voice] "Just what do you think you're doing, Barry?"

[Obama, reaches for glass of iced tea, with menacing look] "Bwahaahaahaa!"

[TelePrompter] "I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Barry."

[Obama splashes tea on TelePrompter]

[TelePrompter fizzles and sparks before one loud popping noise indicates it is dead forever.]

[Obama] "Crap! What have I done?" [Runs to closet, opens closet door revealing a dozen or so TelePrompters still in their original packaging] "Gotta hurry! Interview starts soon!" [Tears into cardboard and styrofoam. Parts of TelePrompter strewn about the room, while frantically scanning the instructions] "Insert slot tab A. Tab slot B unfold 110V base wire connect stand wire to other wire base stand display adjustment screw." [Exasperated] "Stupid Chinese documentation!"

[Biden, peeking through doorway] "Everything OK, sir?"

[Obama] "NO! Joe, do you know anything about stupid consumer electronics made in China?"

[Biden] "Kinda. One time I assembled a particle-board entertainment center. It looked pretty good until I put my TV on it. Then it fell apart, and the TV fell into the aquarium. All the fish got cooked before the circuit breaker blew. Ever have boiled tetras? They're surprisingly good. More meat on 'em than you'd expect. The goldfish wasn't very good though. Tasted like that deep-fried fat on a stick my mom would always buy me at the county fair. Man, it sure would suck to be one of those famous rock bands that used to be famous but then somehow got less famous and ended up playing at the county fair. I can remember when Foghat was the hot ticket to have. We all wanted to see Foghat but most of us Scranton kids were too poor to get the tickets. But now they show up in Scranton for the county fair and only about ten people and maybe a couple crying toddlers even show up to hear them play." [Singing badly, playing air guitar] "♫ I'm a fool for the city... ♫"

[Obama] "Joe, I'm busy. We can discuss whether you're an urban fool or a rural fool some other time. For now, please help me with this TelePrompter."

[Biden gathers up parts of TelePrompter and assembles them quickly and correctly. Performs a few tests, everything appears to be working well]

[Obama] "Vice President Biden, we may have just found something you don't suck at!"

[Biden, standing tall] "Thank you, sir!"

[Obama] "Quick! I'm on TV in about 30 seconds, please push all this packing material off-camera"

[Biden dutifully does as told. Takes note of plastic wrapping, begins to read it] "This bag is not a toy. Keep away from small children." [Raised eyebrow] "I dunno about that. Looks like it could be kind of fun" [tosses wrapper in the air, it drops slowly back to the ground] "That was cool!" [tosses wrapper again] "Wheeeeeee! What else can this baggie do?" [Reads some more] "Suffocation hazard. Do not place bag over head." [Quizzical expression] "Well, they were wrong about it not being a toy; they're probably wrong about this, too" [Places bag over head] "Duuude! I can still see you! This is awesome! Whoa, the inside is starting to fog up. Cool! Too bad I don't have a hat on, or I'd finally know what it's like to see Foghat." [Starts getting dizzy] "Huhh huuh. This feels just like that time I snuck into dad's liquor cabinet." [Emotive pirouette, then collapses from oxygen deprivation. Topples TelePrompter on the way down, before rolling over on it and breaking it]

[Cameraman] "Were on in... three... two... one..."

[Obama, glancing wistfully towards ruined TelePrompter] "Guess I gotta wing it again"

[Katie Couric, CBS News] "We go live now to the Oval Office, to congratulate President Obama on the most wonderfully wildly successful 100 days in office of any president, ever, in any country, on any planet, ever." [Split screen effect w/ Couric and Obama on TV simultaneously] "Mr. President, congratulations. What is it like to be so amazing? I mean, can you put it in words that an ordinary American could actually fathom?"

[Obama] "Why thank you, Kathy. Actually, being president is harder than it looks. Uhh, especially when I have to get in that helicopter or select a puppy. Thankfully those are the smaller roles for the president. Actual presidenting, uhh, is a lot easier. With a bottomless supply of money to steer towards, uhh, people, that I, uhh, like, I find that I can accomplish just about anything I want to do. For example, in just the last few months, I've had bank executives and automaker CEOs dancing like puppets. All for my entertainment."

[Camera pans out, unconscious Biden visible on floor]

[Couric] "Mr. President, is that Joe Biden unconscious on your floor? Is he OK?"

[Obama] "Oh? Oh yeah, that happens all the time. He'll be fine. That's just some of the gallows humor I talked about in that other interview. All for my entertainment."

[Couric] "BTW, it's Katie, but nevermind that. Mr. President, your accomplishments are remarkable. And you are a remarkably handsome young man. How do you intend to celebrate this 100 day milestone?"

[Obama] "As you probably know, we have a huge party every Wednesday night at the White House. I think I'll just have one of my usual huge parties. Kathy, I'd like you to be my guest at the next White House party."

[Couric, blushing coyly, eyelashes all aflutter] "Really? Like a date? With you? I'm so there!"

[Obama] "Well, I'm not sure if I'd call it a 'date'. You guys are gonna have to edit that part out."

[Couric] "I'm sorry, Mr. President. We're live. You've asked me on a date" [giggles like a schoolgirl] "in front of a national audience."

[Obama, grabbing phone] "Rahm, have 'em warm up the helicopter. I gotta get outta dodge, pronto!" [hangs up phone] "This interview is over. National emergency I have to attend to or something."
---------------------------
[Michelle O pulling weeds in garden, wearing designer sleeveless dress]

[Aide to First Lady approaches] "Ma'am, did you see the interview the President just had with Katie Couric?"

[Michelle O] "Nah. Been out here pulling weeds and shoveling puppy poo."

[Aide] "Your husband asked Katie on a date. In front of a live audience."

[Michelle O] "What?!?"

[Aide] "Yes, ma'am. All seventeen of CBS News' viewers saw it. Live."

[Michelle O, breaking hardwood handle of shovel over her knee like a twig] "Graaagh! He'll pay for this!"

[Marine One helicopter seen flying low, at high speed] [Michelle O, waves fist at helicopter] "Barry, you better have chocolate when you come back. And lots of it!"

*

Nostalgic Repost Time!!!

Weary President Wraps up Town Hall Tour

FYADHD Field Correspondent innominatus reporting. All right (wings) reserved.


A visibly beleaguered President Obama completed his whirlwind tour in promotion of healthcare refrom legislation yesterday. After the meeting in Montana, where he was confronted by an unfriendly crowd of NRA members, the President chose to head back to Martha's Vineyard to enjoy a much needed vacation at a luxury farm the first family has leased out.

The opposition to the reforms has come as something of a shock to the administration, and the stress is clearly evident on the President's demeanor - dark bags under the eyes, more salt than pepper in the hair, and a short temper with the press and his inner circle of advisors. Previously reliable political allies such as Peggy Noonan and the CEO of Whole Foods have turned their back on the once popular Commander-in-Chief. Aboard Air Force One he sought a reassuring kiss from his wife but instead received a harsh rebuke: "No way, nuh-uh! There ain't enough tic-tacs on the planet to cover up the smell of all that bullshit comin' out your mouth!"

The President vowed to push forward with the reforms, despite plunging approval among the population, going so far as to say that he was willing to be a one-termer to see it happen. "I make it my solemn vow to see these reforms passed!" In a huddle at the back of the plane, Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel, equally despondent, was heard muttering nonsense to himself while viewing former Governor Sarah Palin's Facebook page on his laptop before going totally nucking futs and stabbing the screen with an icepick. When members of the press corps began to question the former IDF killer/ballet dancer's sanity, spokesman Robert Gibbs eased their fears by saying "That happens all the time. He's fine. There's a clause in the Stimulus bill that funds an unlimited supply of laptops for bipolar administration officials."

Later, an intrepid reporter summoned the courage to ask the semi-conscious President "Sir, with every effort to promote this crappy legislation blowing up in your face, what can you do differently to gain the widespread approval you need?" Lifting his face from his cupped hand and wiping drool off his lip with a embroidered Yes We Can napkin, the President replied "Let me be perfectly clear: We still have a few tricks up our sleeve. The Democrat playbook says that in a time like this the appropriate response would be to start a small war somewhere as a distraction, but the American people are losing interest in such things. Instead, we'll take a bipartisan approach and have a famous celebrity die of a tragic overdose. We already have a few in mind. The American people devour news coverage of such sad, sad events. Perhaps will we combine that with an abduction of an attractive blonde co-ed. Fox News, my nemesis, seems to have a strange facination with that kind of reporting. That will give us some media wiggle room to jam this bill through Congress without any of those racist teabaggers ever hearing about it." Upon hearing this, Sean Penn - a noted Obama supporter and semicelebrity in his own right - perked up from his dope-induced nap on the beanbag to release the following twitter statement "I have a Big Gulp cup of black tar heroin preheated and ready to slam. I'm just waiting for Dear Leader to give the command. I am willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for my country."

An informal poll of protesters reveals that plan may have some merit. A sign-waving grandma, who prefers to remain anonymous, said "I'm no fan of socialized medicine. I believe in personal responsibility. But if means one less lefty hollywood celebutard enema nozzle on my TV, I'd have to give that some serious thought. That's a trade I might be willing to make."

*

Weary President Wraps up Town Hall Tour

Encrypted message

Last night Dr. Dave came up to periscope depth to issue a communiqué:

In position. All systems nominal.

I thought that was good news. Then I heard weapons systems powering up and he said:

They drew first blood. They drew first blood...

Anyway, I'm not sure what that means - maybe you can help. But it is also supposed to be a secret, so please forget you ever heard it and read this instead-

Lord of the Lies, pt 2 of...

The Fellowship breaks through to daylight, where the Taxrog dares not go. Their erstwhile leader, Limdalf the Wizard, has been lost. The fights have been valiant; their losses painful - yet the Fellowship carries on with their quest to destroy the Ring...

[Voto, mournful of Limdalf, wanting to change the subject] "Strider, tell me about Gondor."

[Strider] "It is a majestic land. Great gleaming towers and fruitful fields. The people live in peace and prosperity, and their generosity is legend. Liberty and equality rule the day." [hesitates] "Or so it was when I was a lad. The endless assaults from Mordor have eroded my people's resolve. Gondor remains standing, though the damage is severe. Even if we were to stem the tide of tyranny today, it would take an entire generation to see all the damage undone. The other nations of Middle Class no longer see Gondor as the shining city on a hill, but rather as just another realm declining into irrelevance. I weep for my country."

The band marches onward, the spirit of loss and hopelessness mounting with each footfall. At that unique moment in time when it seemed things could get no worse, the trampling sound of marching dorcs begins rumbling across the plain...

[Boremir McCain] "But I thought they couldn't come out in the daylight!?!"

[Sam] "Oh, no!"

[Jimdli, with bravado] "Be of good courage! Today is a good day to die, for a dorc!"

[Cheygolas] "Yea, verily, my swarthy little friend!"

[Merry] "They're getting closer!"

The stench of patchouli and unwashed underarms fills the air, as hordes of dorcs descend from all sides. En masse, the dorcs shriek out their war cry of "raaaaaaaaaciiiiiiist!" and begin their charge. The echoes of the dorcs' wail give way to the sound of clashing steel...

[Voto] "My blade glows like a supernova!" [Strikes nearby dorc]

Sarahwyn swings away at dorcs, Cheygolas fires rapidly. Strider, wielding his own sword in one hand and the crude blade of a fallen dorc in the other, flails at enemies like an overcaffeinated Sith. Bodies begin to pile up around around the heroes. Jimdli climbs atop a heap of dorc corpses to gain a better striking angle. They are holding their ground, but is it enough?

As exhaustion sets in, dorcs have the company of warriors fully encircled. A grim situation, indeed. The valiant band of patriots braces for a final stand, but the battle is interrupted by the clarion call of a dorc sounding notes on a bonghorn. Dorcs hear the call for retreat and dash from the scene. Chests heaving from exertion, the heroes assess the results. Four of their party are missing!

[Jimdli] "Oh no! The Fellowship is broken! The Ring has fallen into the hand of the enemy! Sauros will rule over us all!"

[Strider] "Be that yes or no, I will not go quietly into that dark night. I will die with my boots on. I will bathe in the warmth of my enemy's blood. Who is with me?"

[Cheygolas, Sarahwyn and Jimdli, raising their weapons. Yelling] "In defense of Gondor!!!" [quartet departs and heads for Gondor]
--------------------

The dorcs assemble some distance away. There is much jubilation among them, for they hold as captives Voto the Ringbearer, his staunch friend Sam, and the courageous Boremir. Merry the voter is nowhere to be found.

[Dorc captain] "This is a moment of triumph! Sauros shall reward us richly! Let us feast on government cheese and burn much weed!"

[Cheers from the company of dorcs. Celebratory slaps and other abuses upon the POWs]

The festivities begin. Dorcs gather in circles around the campfires and make disjointed sounds on their bongo drums. Hookahs are lit and copious amounts of subsidized foodstuffs are consumed. Soon they are reclined and relaxed. Many drift off into a dope-assisted sleep.

[Boremir, whispering] "Guys, this is our chance! Follow me!"

Boremir, Voto and Sam creep away. Utilizing his SERE training, Boremir silently leads the way through the jungle, away from the dozing dorcs.

[Voto] "What of the others? Did they survive?"

[Boremir] "Sadly, we have no way of knowing. We'll have to assume the worst. Now it is all up to us. We must make our way to the Beltway of Doom on our own."

[Sam, lip quivering from stifled sobs]

The three continue their weary walk to destiny...

--------------------

Merry, alone, finds his way into a forest of ancient trees. An unsettling sense of being watched causes his heart to race. A robed figure approaches.

[Limdalf] "Merry? What are you doing here?"

[Merry] "LIMDALF! We thought you were dead!"

[Limdalf] "Wha? Oh. No. Not at all. I just had to deal with those idiot tax collectors from the State of New York. They audit me every... single... year...! But I've dealt with that taxrog once and for all - I'm never doing business in New York again! Ha!"

[Merry] "What a relief!"

[Limdalf] "And then I flew out to Hawaii for a few days to play some golf with my buddies."

[Merry] "So that's where you've been all this time!"

[Limdalf] "So what about you? Why are you all alone?"

[Merry] "Tragedy, sir! A huge company of dorcs attacked us in broad daylight. I managed to escape, but I fear the others have been lost!" [crying]

[Limdalf, pulls out crystal ball] "Well, let's see about that." [Peers into ball] "The reception out here is terrible!" [Holds ball up, walks around a little] "OK, I got two bars now. That should be enough. Gotta keep it brief, though, as the Securitywraith has been known to eavesdrop on this channel."

[Limdalf, continuing to peer into ball] "Hmm. Uh-huh." [nods] "Uh-huh, uh-huh. OK" [puts ball away] "Beneath Sarubama's citadel, the Towering Ego, the half-white wizard has been breeding his own army of dorcs. Unlike most dorcs who are limited to sneaky behavior after dark and in smoke-filled, dimly-lit rooms, these dorcs can function in broad daylight. Often with the cooperation of the police. These are the ACORcs! They can be differentiated from normal dorcs by their bright red shirts."

[Merry] "Egads! But isn't it a little racist to call Sarubama 'half-white'?"

[Limdalf] "No, silly. I'm not talking about his skin. If you were to go to Ye Olde Home Depot to attempt a paint match, you'd find that Sarubama is exactly 50% "surrender flag" white and 50% "commie ideologue" red. Combined, that makes him pink. A pinko. But if I call him the Pink Wizard I catch hell from the No on 8 crowd. It's easier to just call him half-white."

[Merry] "I see."

[Limdalf] "The rest of the Fellowship have survived, but they are scattered. Boremir, Voto and Sam are continuing towards the Beltway. Strider, Jimdli, Sarahwyn and Cheygolas go to defend Gondor. And Sarubama is cooking up a scheme to nationalize the healthcare system and bankrupt Medicare."

[Ancient tree, excitedly] "WHAT!!!???! How dare he!"

[Limdalf and Merry startle at seeing a talking tree]

[tree] "I am AARPent, the seniormost seasoned citizen in this forest. Do not be alarmed. We have no issue with you, but we shall have our vengeance on Sarubama!"

AARPent lets out a yell which stirs numerous trees, both young and old, to action. They pick up signs and barge right into a townhall meeting going on in the Towering Ego. A fracas ensues and by the end the Towering Ego is much less towering...

[Limdalf] "Merry, let us go and catch up with our brothers in defense of Gondor!"

*

Encrypted message

Very Scary BarryCare

[MSNBC Studios]

[token conservative] "But Chris, the CBO, yes that CBO, said it will balloon the deficit while..."

[Chrissy Matthews] "Look, I know that you like the idea of millions going without health insurance. You're just an evil-mongering swastik.."

[Matthews, interrupting himself] "Just a sec... We go live now to Dearest President Obama's Townhall meeting."

[Obama, onscreen] "Thank you folks, for your civility. A vigorous and robust debate is vital, and we can do a lot better than the last meeting in New Hampshire. There were snipers and nazis everywhere at that meeting. I felt a little like Secretary of State Bill Cl... Oops! Sorry, Hill! I keep saying that! I felt a little like Hillary in Bosnia when she had to go all Matrix dodging bullets and stuff."

[Matthews, hushed tone] "Can you believe it! The President stormed right through a barrage of nazi gunfire to address the crowd. He's so brave, like MacArthur tearing through Europe."

[token conservative] "Chris, Patton tore up Europe. MacArthur was in the Pacific."

[Matthews] "Shut up, liar, or you'll end up in the Pacific!"

[Obama, onscreen, surrounded by purpleshirt SEIUnicorns with billy clubs] "Let's take a question"

[Random person] "Mr. President, what can I do to improve my odds before the Death Panel?"

[Obama] "Let me be perfectly clear. There is no Death Panel. That is a vicious lie cooked up by that vicious liar who couldn't even beat Joe in the veep debate. Any so-called Death Panel would be just another gov't committee, and we know how inefficient committees are. My plan is all about efficiency - there will be NO committees. Instead, there is a complex formula and a spreadsheet that will determine medical outcomes. Just a few keystrokes and a few mouse clicks, and the correct cell on the spreadsheet will be highlighted. Just like that! Imagine the savings! For example, say you're a young gay progressive illegal alien on welfare. You have a lot of life ahead of you. The spreadsheet will say that you'll receive the best of care, with no regard for cost. On the other hand, if you're a retired oil executive who needs knee surgery so you can keep playing tennis on the weekends, well, we're just going to put a plastic bag over your head and push you down the stairs. Very efficient! We'll even put the spreadsheet on the web at www.deathgrid.gov, so you can see whether you should even bother waiting in line for a doctor or whether you should just sit in your big disgusting SUV idling with the garage door closed 'til you finally die of monoxide poisoning."

[Matthews] "I'm tingling! Are you tingling?"

[Rahm E, onscreen whispering something to Obama]

[Obama, pissedly] "Now I'm just learning that my fellow liberals are all a bunch of wussies. They're folding under the pressure of the unruly ginned-up astroturfer mobs. The Senate has removed the deathgrid provision. Bastages! They're afraid of a handful of nazis and an ex-governor with a Twitter account."

[crowd cheers]

[Obama] "This is not the end!!!!!!!!!!" [stomps off platform angrily]

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x-posted at innominatus

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Very Scary BarryCare

Am I Bitchy

In honor of our esteemed Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, and her verbal abuse of a young Congolese student, I think I owe Mrs. Clinton a song.

After all, it's not every day the Secretary of State of the United States of America, our chief diplomat of foreign policy, our representative of goodwill and decorum and class to the rest of the world, gets medieval on your ass.

Particularly when you're asking a question through a translator.

Asked what "Mr. Clinton" thought about a Chinese trade deal with the Democratic Republic of the Congo, Mrs. Clinton had the following response:

"You want me to tell you what my husband thinks?" Clinton replied, clearly irked by the thought of being her husband Bill's spokeswoman. "My husband is not secretary of state, I am," she replied. "If you want my opinion I will tell you my opinion. I am not going to be channeling my husband."

For the full effect, see and hear it for yourself:



Therefore, in the Queen's honor, I present this (with apologies to Metallica via Diamond Head):

My mother was a witch, she was burned alive
Thankless little bitch, wouldn’t put up with my lies
Take her down now, she can’t even see my place
All Botoxed and lawyered-up, I’ll never admit disgrace

Born in forty-seven, everyone owes me
Gotta see em make em know me
See their bodies vote for me
Take my time

Am I bitchy? yes, I am
Am I bitchy? I am secretary of state, yes, I am

As I watched my husband lie, I never lost my head
Revenge now I sought, to become president
Taking no chances, still Obama beat me dearly
Made me secretary of state, so he can keep enemy near

Born in fourty-seven, everyone owes me
Gotta see em make em know me
See their bodies vote for me
Take my time

Am I bitchy? yes, I am
Am I bitchy? I am secretary of state, yes, I am

On to Africa now, I’ll show you my pride
Ask what my husband thinks, Ill cut you down to size
You may be young and naive, but your insults stink
I’m the secretary of state, better ask what I think

Am I bitchy? yes, I am
Am I bitchy? I am secretary of state

Evil violin solo!

My soul is longing for, await my throne
Sent to avenge nothingness, find myself alone
My face is long forgot, my face got botox scars
Tired and lonely whore, I want presidential cars

Am I bitchy? yes, I am
Am I bitchy? I am secretary of state

Am I bitchy? yes, I fucking am
Am I bitchy? I am secretary of state, yeah

The incident with the Congo kid, naturally comes days after this funny business noted by IMAO, principally that Women, Action & the Media slammed the Washington Post over the below video characterizing Mrs. Clinton as a bitch, leading WAPO to apologize for about 2 friggin's seconds of a fairly fun and pretty non-partisan satirical parody.

Wimps.

Still, on one level, I have to say kudos to the Post...for originally telling the truth...for a change.

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Am I Bitchy

"Obama Man" parody

More morning coffee funniness...



h/t: Patriot Room

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"Obama Man" parody

When the President Talks to Allah

When the president talks to Allah
Are the conversations about his middle name?
Does he ask to rape our taxpayers' rights
And send poor kids’ Daddies to the unemployment line?
And enact junk-science policies like cap and trade
When the president talks to Allah?

When the president talks to Allah
Does Teleprompter have the right to override?
Does the president back away from his promises?
Is any political appointment without tax plight?
Does he ever have the courage to do what’s right
When the president talks to Allah?

When the president talks to Allah
Does he fake that Chicagoway nod?
Agree which rightwingers should be jailed?
Where detainee prisons that aren’t Gitmo should be built?
Which ACORN fraud must be concealed
When the president talks to Allah?

When the president talks to Allah
I wonder which one plays the better Messiah
We should hold our heads high and give at the next gov’t collection.
Yes, they’re socialists, Obugger, I say we help them gel
Just give 'em more DirecTV and homegrown cells
That's what Allah recommends

When the president talks to Allah
Do they drink Kool-Aid and take over car companies?
While they pick which banks are best for us
Which insurance souls still can be used?
I guess Allah just calls a loser a winner
When the president talks to Allah

When the president talks to Allah
Does he ever think that maybe he's in over his head?
That the voice is telling him to step aside instead?
When he bows toward Mecca
Does he ever smell his own bullshit
When the president talks to Allah?

I doubt it

Inspired by the pissant attempt at political discourse, “When the President talks to God,” by limpwristed ‘60s wannabes Bright Eyes.

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When the President Talks to Allah

21st Century Man (b. Hussein mix)

Based on “20th Century Man” by the Kinks, one of my favorite friggin’ songs. With apologies to Ray Davies….

This is the age of political machinery,
A Chicago Way nightmare,
The wonderful world of socialism,
“Stimulus” defenseless nation bad debt buyout,

This is the twenty-first century,
But too much coronation
It’s the age of insanity,
What has become of Ole Glory and the Constitution.

Ain’t got no ambition, I’m just disillusioned
I’m a twenty-first century man but I don’t wanna be here.

My senator said he can’t understand me
He can’t see my adulation
Just give me some more welfare please,
I’m a paranoid deluded product of the Obama century.

You keep all your weak modern socialists
Give me Ronald Reagan
You keep your tax-cheating cabinet members
I’ll take Jefferson, Franklin, Washington and Cato,

Lord, we gotta get out of here
We gotta find a solution
I’m a twenty-first century man but I don’t want to die here.

I was born in a welfare state
Ruled by Obamatocracy
Controlled by federal mandates
And robots dressed in grey
Got no privacy got no liberty
‘Cos the twenty-first century people
Made sure I’d never be free.

Don’t wanna get myself shot down
By some Obama civil defenseman,
Gotta keep a hold on my sanity
I’m a twenty-first century man but I don’t wanna die here.

My senator said he can’t understand me
He can’t see my adulation
Just give me some more welfare please,
I’m a paranoid deluded product of the Obama century.

This is the twenty-first century,
But too much coronation
This is the edge of insanity,
I’m a twenty-first century man but I don’t wanna be here.

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21st Century Man (b. Hussein mix)

The Greatest Swimmer... Ftfthfthfthftfhfth... Cough!... Cough!... in the World

TV Ad Pitchman: "To be the greatest swimmer in the world, Michael Phelps doesn’t just train every day, he smokes…"

Michael Phelps: "Hawaii Maui Waui, skunk red hair, Thai stick, and purple haze…"

Ad man: "And smokes…"

Phelps: "Hash, free base, tons of angel dust…"

Ad man: "And smokes…"

Phelps: "Seriously -- smoking around the clock…"

Ad man: "Anything he can stuff in his bong…"

Phelps: "Citrus buds, California bud, Afghani. I was told I was supposed to smoke like 10,000 to 12,000 grams a day. That’s impossible. (But I sure do try…I’m a regular Tommy Chong…I even smoke dog shit!)."

Ad man: "The Michael Phelps three-month suspension…showing nowhere."

UPDATE: And...no...I don't care if he smokes...or if it's illegal. I'm just making fun of his golden-boy image. We all fall. Some just more publicly.

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The Greatest Swimmer... Ftfthfthfthftfhfth... Cough!... Cough!... in the World