Coincidence? -- Vol 4 -- Mobacca's Chief of Staff

Susan Sher, First Wookie's new Chief of Staff

Livia Soprano, Cable TV Mob Dragon Lady

I really think not. (This time it's about the similarities between the Chicago Way and North Jersey, not looks, kiddies.)

h/t: Amusing Bunni

That'll be $595,000 a Pound, Mr. Obama

Here's economic stimulus for you, and yet another sign of President Barack Obama's brilliance.

Over at the Obama web site set up to show us just where the funny money is going, and what it's stimulating, we find out key economic details of this country's recovery, such as ham that costs $595,000 a pound.

You know this link will disappear once Obugger finds out the blogosphere is all over this little tidbit of government ham and cheese, so I'm pasting the information over here, a bit awkward to read but still clear as a bell.

Just one question, Mr. President? How much did the mustard cost?

h/t: IMAO and The American Thinker and Red State

Contracts - Recipient Summary

CLOUGHERTY PACKING, LLC

Clarification of Codes

Award Overview

Agency Name	Department of Agriculture	Project Location	LOS ANGELES
Contract Number	AG3J14120297196	Project Location - State	CA
Funding Amount	$1,191,200	Project Location - Zip Code	90058-1800
Completion Date	2009-06-30	Congressional District	CA-34

Recipient Information (Award)

Recipient Name	CLOUGHERTY PACKING, LLC	Recipient Address	3049 E VERNON AVE
Recipient City	LOS ANGELES	Recipient State	CALIFORNIA
Recipient Zip Code	90058-1800	Congressional District	CALIFORNIA-34

Description of Work/Service performed

2 POUND FROZEN HAM SLICED

Purchaser Information (Award)

Contracting Office ID	3J14	Contracting Office Name	AGRICULTURAL MARKETING SERVICE
Contracting Office Region		TAS Major Program	3509

Contract Information (Award)

Date Signed	2009-04-28	Effective Date	2009-04-28
Current Completion Date	2009-06-30	Ultimate Completion Date	2009-06-30
Award Type	DEFINITIVE CONTRACT	Reason For Modification
Type of Contract Pricing	FIRM FIXED PRICE	Last Date to Order
Funding Agency ID	12F2	Funding Office ID
Funding Office Name		Number of Offers Received	2

Product or Service Information (Award)

Product or Service Code	8905	Product or Service Description	MEAT, POULTRY, AND FISH
Principal NAICS Code	311611	Principal NAICS Description	ANIMAL (EXCEPT POULTRY) SLAUGHTERING

Competition Information (Award)

Extent Competed	FULL AND OPEN COMPETITION	Reason Not Competed
Solicitation Procedures	SEALED BID	Type of Set Aside	NO SET ASIDE USED.
Statutory Exception to Fair Opportunity		Type of Contract Pricing	FIRM FIXED PRICE

Preference Programs (Award)

Business Size Determination

OTHER THAN SMALL BUSINESS

Transactions

Modification Number	Transaction Number	PIID	IDV PIID	Available Amount	Project Location	Signed Date
0	0	AG3J14120297196		$1,191,200	CA	2009-04-28

UPDATE: Well, then...someone must have received a lot of calls this a.m. in D.C. because they're out defending ham. It was the packaging size: States bought 760,000 pounds, at $1.50 a pound, to feed the hungry.

Now...if only they'd react this quickly when we try to shut down their circuit boards with outraged calls over Porkulus and Omnibus and Cap-and-Slave and Obuggercare.

Not likely. They only like to point out when others are wrong...never when they're wrong.

Googling “Economic Depression” Way Down, “Obama Is a Liar” Way Up

WASHINGTON -- The number of people searching for the term “economic depression” on Google is down, says a White House economic advisor. Fortunately, searches for other terms that indicate President Barack Obama’s popularity may be history are way up.

Larry Summers, a top economic adviser to Obama, claims that Google searches for “economic depression” have reached normal levels, a sure sign that the economic free-fall has ended. (Could the White House use anything less tangible and credible and more ridiculous to indicate the Obugger administration’s spending policies aren’t asinine?)

“We pledged at the time the Recovery Act became law that some of the spending and tax effects would begin almost immediately,” Summers said in prepared remarks (does anyone in this administration speak without the use of a teleprompter?). “Blah… blah… blah the impact of the Recovery Act blah… blah… blah… over time, peaking during 2010 with about 70 percent of the total stimulus provided in the first blah... blah... blah (even though we know damned well it won’t make a bit of difference, since states are out there using Obugger’s funny money to pay off their deficits and remodel historic properties and build turtle tunnels).”

An informal poll by Dr. Dave Reports, however, has revealed a startling spike in several indicators that point to the president’s popularity pretty much going down the toilet, where he’s been dragging the rest of the country for 6 months.

Google searches for the terms “Obama is an ass man” and “Obama is a thief” and “Obama is a liar,” fortunately, are WAY up, our informal survey reveals.

“This would indicate that more and more people are starting to realize what a buffoonish ass and unprepared, unqualified, unprofessional loon he is,” said Dr. Dave.

“Obama extortion” also appears to be a very popular Google search term these days.

“That pretty much clinches it for me,” Dr. Dave said. “I can’t think of a more appropriate term to describe this president than ‘extortionist,’ what with him reading the following threats daily (now) from VTOTUS: ‘we cannot afford to do nothing ... the status quo is unacceptable ... this WILL get passed.’”

h/t: Bishop Gregori, for pointing out the Daily Extortion remarks.

UPDATE: See? What I said...Obugger's cool is wearing thin.

Conversation with an Asshole Moonbat on Twitter

WARNING: DO NOT READ IF LANGUAGE OFFENDS YOU

A cop's wife twice threatened me tonight on Twitter, so, just in case she has her husband hunt me down (we sort of live in the same metropolitan area), I thought I'd replay the conversation here.

And I bet she didn't know I had a blog. Silly moonbat.

It went like this...

feedyouradhd: Leave it to Obugger and Pelosi to let Boehner and Bush weigh in on Cronkite's death before them, since fair journalism is their enemy. #tcot about 1 hour ago from TwitterBerry

CyberCzarPol@feedyouradhd <-- Racist fuck who has no respect for the office of the President. #tcot #p2about 1 hour ago from TweetDeck in reply to feedyouradhd

feedyouradhd @CyberCzarPol You talk pretty tough for someone who lists their phone number on Twatter. Slobber on your presidents knob today? 44 minutes ago from web

feedyouradhd @CyberCzarPol Care to meet in Midtown and put up or shut up? 43 minutes ago from web

CyberCzarPol@feedyouradhd Sure. You don't mind if I bring my husband with me, do you?43 minutes ago from TweetDeck in reply to feedyouradhd

CyberCzarPol@feedyouradhd he'd be pretty easy to spot. 6'2" Puerto Rican wearing an #$@%* Police uniform.41 minutes ago from TweetDeck in reply to feedyouradhd

feedyouradhd @CyberCzarPol Right...with his fists in someone else's pockets, probably setting someone up for a drug crime he or she didn't commit. 37 minutes ago from we feedyouradhd @CyberCzarPol

feedyouradhd @cyberczarpol As long as you don't mind if I bring your girlfriend. 40 minutes ago from web

CyberCzarPol@feedyouradhd You didn't know I sucked cock? #tcot #p239 minutes ago from TweetDeck in reply to feedyouradhd

feedyouradhd @CyberCzarPol moonbat schmuck with herhead up herarse, who can't tell when she's being obuggered by a thief president. #tcot #p2 39 minutes ago from web

CyberCzarPol@feedyouradhd I guess it kinda defeats the purpose, but for him it's a given, but he and I both have a CCW license. Just sayin'. ;-)40 minutes ago from TweetDeck in reply to feedyouradhd

feedyouradhd @CyberCzarPol Thanks for threatening to shoot me. 35 minutes ago from web

CyberCzarPol@feedyouradhd I don't believe I threatened you at all.35 minutes ago from TweetDeck in reply to feedyouradhd

feedyouradhd @CyberCzarPol I just wanted to meet for coffee. 35 minutes ago

feedyouradhd @CyberCzarPol So we could talk more. 34 minutes ago from web

feedyouradhd @CyberCzarPol About your sucking cock. 34 minutes ago from web

CyberCzarPol@feedyouradhd oof, careful now. wouldn't want you to suddenly realize that both of us are for the legalization of pot now. #p238 minutes ago from TweetDeck in reply to feedyouradhd

feedyouradhd @CyberCzarPol Should that offend? I have no problem with people who smoke pot. It's people who smoke cock for a living that bothers me. 31 minutes ago from web

CyberCzarPol@feedyouradhd and conservatives offend the hell out of me. your point? #p2 #tcot31 minutes ago from TweetDeck in reply to feedyouradhd

feedyouradhd @CyberCzarPol That's because you're friggin' wrong, off your rocker, insane, and can't think because a zombie ate your brain. Your point? 27 minutes ago from web

CyberCzarPol@feedyouradhd I am off my rocker. It's out on the veranda, and I'm in my office. But alas, not wrong. Sorry you're too narrowminded to see.26 minutes ago from TweetDeck in reply to feedyouradhd

feedyouradhd @CyberCzarPol My narrow mind sees no future now that your Obugger is in office (NON-RACIST COMMENT: TRANSLATION: OBAMA WHO SCREWS AMERICANS) 21 minutes ago from web

CyberCzarPol@feedyouradhd Sore loser eh?22 minutes ago from TweetDeck in reply to feedyouradhd

feedyouradhd @CyberCzarPol How long did it take for hubby to help you come up with that? Not sore loser. Believer in Constitution Obugger's never read. 17 minutes ago from web

CyberCzarPol@feedyouradhd Hubby's at work patroling the streets of %!&@$% protecting your sorry ass.18 minutes ago from TweetDeck in reply to feedyouradhd

feedyouradhd @CyberCzarPol I have more protection than I need, thanks to the 2nd Amendment. (You know, the one you don't like.) 12 minutes ago from web

feedyouradhd @CyberCzarPol After the First. 11 minutes ago from web

CyberCzarPol@feedyouradhd I love the 2nd Amendment, I just hate the NRA. Quit assuming anything asshole.13 minutes ago from TweetDeck in reply to feedyouradhd

feedyouradhd @CyberCzarPol If you hate the NRA, you're a moonbat zombie who wants only police officers and government officials to be armed. 10 minutes ago

feedyouradhd @CyberCzarPol THAT'S why you hate the NRA, ASSHOLE! (Thanks for helping me up my Cursebird score.) 8 minutes ago from web

CyberCzarPol@feedyouradhd god you're delusional. what's your phone number? i'd like to send some people over that can help.9 minutes ago from TweetDeck in reply to feedyouradhd

feedyouradhd @CyberCzarPol God, you can't take your own moonbat medicine. I don't accept handouts from government loving freaks. 5 minutes ago from web

CyberCzarPol@feedyouradhd No biggie. based on ur tweets 2nite I'm sur we can subpoena twitter for the access logs. in the name of public safety and all.5 minutes ago from TweetDeck in reply to feedyouradhd

feedyouradhd Thanks for the threats. I'll be sure to save them for the judge.

The Great Orator Obugger Speaks

The always hilarious British blogger Grumpy Old Twat pieced together this lovely video of Obugger's public appearances without TOTUS (luckily for him, despite this, Obugger still has VTOTUS).

We all know Dear Leader speaks extemporaneously like he's chewing on tires, but this is one of the funniest collections of gaffes I've seen yet, originally found here.

Obama Talks Bollocks
by GrumpyOldTwat

And while you're here, for some strange reason The Liberty Pen wanted to interview me about my madness. Please go over and skip the interview and scroll down to his extremely insightful posts on matters of more importance, like the future of this friggin' badly listing country.

Organizational Chart of the House Democrats' Health Plan

Click to scratch and sniff

Holy fucking bureaucracy, Batman!

With an organizational chart like that, I wonder just how they'll find the time to bestow health care on little ole us. Probably long after they're sipping Dom Perignon from the good crystal, on our dime.

Get your copy here. h/t: Praterland

UPDATE: I'm sure this new motherlode bureaucracy would probably never think of doing anything stupid...like spending $700,000 on a Phoenix conference, including a dance party, like the Social Security Administration did.

Iowahawk for Car Czar

Like this doesn't come as a surprise, FFS. Rattner's toast; Iowahawk's stock has never been higher. Obugger, you listening? Do something smart for a change.

I nominate Iowahawk for Car Czar.

Start the Groundswell

The Wicked Witch of Congress Wants Intelligence Investigation of ... Herself

Washington Times

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi turns a fellow Congresswoman into a cockroach.

WASHINGTON -- House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.), claiming she no longer knows what is going on inside her own brain, yesterday challenged Congress to investigate…whether or not she knows anything at all.

“I mean, like, really. Do I Know? Did I know? Did I not know? When did I know or not know? Will I ever know? It’s…like…really confusing to me,” she said, standing at the podium on the floor of the House twirling her hair with one hand, picking a tooth with the other, her vacant gaze following a speck of dust floating past the podium as she spoke.

When Rep. Mary Bono Mack (R-Calif.) rose and requested permission to inform Pelosi the issue on the floor actually was whether or not Congress should investigate the Central Intelligence Agency, and perhaps even former Vice President Dick Cheney, Pelosi glared back and cast a spell, turning Bono Mack into a cockroach.

Bono Mack promptly skittered away, fearing further abuse. Luckily, Rep. Ron Paul (R-Tex.), seated along the aisle, stuck his foot out and squished the cockroach, before she could get away and multiply.

Oblivious to the events around her, Pelosi went on: “Like, what? What I know, or don’t know, and when, is not even the issue anymore? We’re talking about Cheney now? Who’s Cheney?”

She didn’t even notice Henry Waxman (R-Calif.) collapse on the floor and writhe around, thumb in his mouth, tears streaming down his face, in agony over the loss of Bono Mack, one of the infamous "Aces 8" who were instrumental in the Waxman-Markey "Cap-and-Trade" bill getting through the House in June.

“Really,” Pelosi continued. “I think we should just go ahead and start with me, figure out, like, if I know anything at all, and just go from there.”

Pelosi made her speech after several Democratic members of Congress called for a series of hearings to investigate a secret CIA counterterrorism program, directed by Cheney without the apparent knowledge of Congress, to kill high-level al Qaeda members. Congress just learned about the program last week.

But instead of giving the House Intelligence Committee the green light to investigate the CIA, she inexplicably steered the intelligence committee toward herself, turning the House upside.

“I have no idea what just happened,” Rep. Silvestre Reyes (D-Texas), intelligence committee chairman, said after the session, "but she does bring up a good point that we should first be trying to find any intelligence at all in the House itself before we start looking for it somewhere else.”

Pelosi’s quest for her own knowledge apparently stems from still unanswered questions about the CIA program to waterboard certain al Qeada detainees to secure valuable intelligence and stop further acts of terrorism, following the devastating events of September 11, 2001.

First Pelosi said she didn’t know about the use of waterboarding. Then GOP operatives said she did. Then a Pelosi aide said she sure did know. THEN Pelosi said she knew, but that the CIA and the Bush administration lied to her.

Now that Pelosi is apparently senile and looking for answers, Rep. Spencer Bachus (R-Ala.) said he will continue to push to find out what she knew and when, including regarding the so-called secret CIA counterterrorism program.

“This is about the most bizarre behavior I’ve seen on the floor of the House since Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D - R.I.) did a line of cocaine right in front of me on one of the back benches,” Bachus said. “But she’s right; we’ve got to find out if the Speaker is a liar, since a liar calling someone else a liar is about as ridiculous as Democrats calling Republicans racist for criticizing the policies of a black president so soon after having called a former Republican president a chimp.”

Bachus did not rule out waterboarding Pelosi to get to the bottom of the truth.

...................................................................................................................

Meanwhile, in other events around Washington today, sources say, President Barack Obama has repeatedly been dressing up in the Oval Office as the Roman Emperor Nero and playing a fiddle (quite badly) while watching DVD footage of a raging forest fire.

DEVELOPING….

R.I.P.: TOTUS! The horror! The horror! The horror!

Could it be...murder?

ABC's Jake Tapper explains, via Hot Air:

Midway through his speech on urban and metropolitan policy in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building this afternoon, one of his two small glass prompters came crashing down, hitting the wood floor and crashing in many pieces. It made quite a ruckus.

“Oh, goodness,” a startled President Obama said. “Sorry about that, guys.”

He then proceeded on with his remarks, “To pull our economy back from the brink, including the largest and most sweeping economic recovery plan in our nation’s history…”

For the rest of the speech the president relied on the one remaining teleprompter, to his right, and notes on his podium to finish his speech.

Shards of glass remained near the president’s feet for the duration of his speech.

Did you get the underlying text? He wasn't even concerned...didn't even shed a tear...he just went on about his business, without any empathy at all. Where's Sonia Sotomayor when you need her!

The horror! The horror! The horror!

I demand a Senate investigation! The heinous affair was, after all, caught on film.

Love Child Refuses to Meet Obama-Father

GHANA -- Air Force One swooped into Ghana yesterday, carrying an upbeat President Barack Obama planning to meet his illegitimate son for the first time. Only moments after leaving the plane, however, the president discovered his love child wanted nothing to do with him.

“I informed the president at the airport that he is an evil spirit, and because of this the boy did not want to see him,” said Hawabu Tarana, the juju (witch) doctor from the boy’s hometown of Kumasi, and family spokesman. “There is also a rumor going around that the reason Mr. Obama cannot produce a birth certificate is because he used it to roll some ganja and smoked it. We believe smoking paper invites evil spirits to take over the soul.

“The boy has been learning of Mr. Obama’s actions over the past few months, during our Saturday evening witch-doctor training ceremonies, where we drink powerful herbs and slip into trances and channel the events of the world. The boy, frankly, has been struck by Mr. Obama’s arrogance, something he doesn’t want exposure to.

“He was furthermore concerned the president’s plummeting approval rating so soon after taking office was indication that Mr. Obama was a snake oil salesman whose ‘Yes, We Can’ mantra was actually terribly bad juju that coerced 62 million evil spirits to vote for him. Also, the boy had read in tea leaves that the president wasn’t even going to come by, but instead planned to take his girls out for accra banana peanut cake, ice cream being a delicacy that is hard to come by in Ghana.”

Felix Afriyie, a young school boy from Kumasi, is said to be the president’s illegitimate son, sources say, from a union Obama had with the boy’s mother during a trip to West Africa while he was contemplating a run for the U.S. Senate.



The trip to see the child had become a point of contention inside the First Family. The president is said to have needed to put the issue behind him by apologizing to the boy for his actions and for all of the terrible things America hasn’t done to increase the standard of living in West Africa.

Obama is said to have secretly wanted to see the boy precisely because his wife hasn’t been able to provide him with a son. Obama, sources say, was planning to take the boy back with him to the White House and teach him the ropes of Chicago community organizing on a national scale.

The First Lady, meanwhile, who knew about the affair at the time but chose to look the other way because of her husband’s promising political career, has instead become so upset recently she’s developed a habit of kicking the president in the ass every chance she gets.

“He’s really afraid that someday she’s going to take it up a few notches and punch him in the face and knock him out in front of someone he reveres, like Hugo Chavez,” said a person familiar with the Obama’s family dynamic. “I know for a fact she beats him with a wooden spoon when no one’s looking. Also, she violently tugs on the president’s ears every time she finds out he flubbed a line during a speech.”

Still, the president, undeterred by his wife’s chiding, wasn’t going to let the witch doctor stand between him and the boy either. So, shortly after landing and meeting with Tarana, Secret Service formed a motorcade using local drivers and ferried Obama the 200 km trip from Accra to Kumasi.

Obama had hoped to persuade the child to come out to meet him, but upon arriving at the Afriyie home, the president was greeted by new construction obviously undertaken in anticipation of his arrival:




The president was devastated, a source said. “He cried like a little baby and didn’t want to go on. He was ready to forget about continuing his Apology for America World Tour, and even got on his secure BlackBerry to call Joe Biden to say he was resigning, but then Michelle slapped him in the head and said “Whatchu talkin’ about, Barry” and told him if he resigned she was going to tell the world he’d been having a secret affair with TOTUS.”

About the only the thing that lifted the president’s spirits, as his motorcade turned around and drove back to the airport in Accra, was discovering the new practice among Ghanians of impaling Obamaflags into their skulls.



“My poll numbers may have tanked back home, but at least the people of Ghana, well all 12 that turned out to see me, are mutilating themselves in my name,” his driver, A. Emmanuel, overheard Obama say.

“The man is happy people are defacing themselves in his honor? There is something truly wrong with him,” Emmanuel said. “I feel sorry for the American people having to live under such a leader. Perhaps they would like to move to Ghana. I hear, the way things are going over there, the U.S. is going to look like a Third-World country soon, anyway.”

UPDATE: Well, HELL...I just got picked up by the evil moonbats over at Daily Kos, who happen to claim that I am....wait for it....DISGUSTING...because they think I'm going after a "little boy"...when...if they had any brains and read the piece, they'd recognize that I'm....GOING AFTER THEIR FECKLESS ASSHOLE LEADER. Bring it on, folks. Bring it on....

Oh...and...thanks for the hits, moonbats!

UPDATE II: Hey Kos, Zombiecrats. Your listing leader is sinking deeper and deeper into his own despair, taxing your limitless moonbattery into oblivion, leaving you barren and bereft of a future and your children and grandchildren (if you haven't aborted them) the equivalent of ragamuffins...and yet you want to blame Bush...7 months into the most embarrassing administration since...wait for it...your hero, Jimmy Carter...and yet...you whine on and on and on, and attack what you don't understand, your brains having been melded by Obugger's juju. Live with that...and enjoy the decline your way of thinking has wrought upon this entire planet. Because when we fail, dumbasses, everything fails. Or didn't your poor excuse for a leader think that far ahead? Oh...that's right...he's letting you read beforehand the fruitcake legislation that gets passed...and he's not going to tax you (until he needs to)...and he's going to give you health care, so you can go watch American Idol all night...and he's stimulating the construction of...turtle tunnels. Ah, the Turtle Tunnel President. That's a fine example of "hope and change."

Yes, we can?

No...no you can't at all...

UPDATE III: Since the moonbats over at Daily Kooskoos have been cherry picking from this satire and the follow-up comments and posting them with a lot of "hateful," to use their own term, words of their own (and, btw, there's a HELL of a lot of rapier wit in here, Kooskoos knuckledraggers...but I apologize that your brains haven't developed enough to understand it), I'm going to cherry pick from them, specifically this choice comment, which, I'll posit now, is REALLY what they believe and would prefer be a conservative's fate:

Please don't tell us about crap like this. (1+ / 0-)

Recommended by:

in2mixin

It just makes me want to change my opinion about capital punishment and gun control and do away with fucktards such as this, and then I try to compose a scathing comment in response and wish I could send a grenade or poison through the inter

net, but I really am not willing to register on their stupid blog, and by now I'm all depressed about the future of the world and the fact that there's nothing I can do about these people except hope that they die a painful death in the very near future, and then I've wasted 10 minutes for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

by bdbd on Sun Jul 12, 2009 at 06:05:37 PM PDT

That's awfully loving of you, bdbd...I believe your party czars will need to make sure they re-educate you before they throw me in Gitmo. Hope you toss and turn all night about this...

KoosKoosians: I've let your toddler comments get through, all 2 of them, an d then stomped all over them. So...keep it coming, girls...

UDPATE IV: H/T: TexasFred. Well, I'll be Obuggered. A Daily Kossacks blogger accused of posting hate speech on conservative blogs and then blaming it on liberals. Hmm...I would have never figured it. In fact, from the horse's ass's mouth, here's how he advocated on Kos how fellow Kossacks should say nasty little things about blacks...and then blame it on conservatives:

That's quite pleasant, Kossacks!

Coincidence? -- Vol 3. -- Mobacca!

An occasional series on people of the political zeitgeist who curiously look like someone, or something, else...

Chewbacca, of Star Wars

Michelle Obama, First Wookie

I really think not...

h/t: exblogitate, for naming her

Obugger's ADHD, Wandering Eyes, Polls, and Kim Jong Il

Umm....McFly...HELLO?!

I know you have absolutely no attention span at all, but perhaps you should be keeping your eye on this instead:




On second thought, keep your eyes right where they are. I rather like the direction of that red line.

Except that...DOH!...she's only 17!

Or...in the very...very...least...maybe you should be paying attention to this, perhaps? Hmmm?

Obugger? Obugger? Obugger? Anyone? Anyone?

An Unintended Benefit of Using the Term "Dickhead" in the Title of a Post

Last week, I wrote about Al Franken's elevation to the U.S. Senate, so he could finally get a chance to play with all of his clown friends.

Naturally, Dr. Dave being Dr. Dave, I played off the title of his asinine book, "Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot," and appropriately titled my piece: Al Franken Is a Big Fat Dickhead Senator.

My use of "dickhead" apparently has endeared me to Google's SEO algorithm because, while checking my sitemeter today, I noticed a hit from the following search term:

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=how%20to%20make%20your%20dick%20head%20bigger&btnG=Google%20Search&aq=f&oq=&aqi=

It's not every day you're ranked just below an (attributed, no less) article about male enhancement techniques, and the person doing the search takes time away from his...um...quest to pay your blog a visit.

If They Reproduced...

Don't even ask me to explain where this one came from, but....

If, somehow, by the grace of God...or in this case...by the grace of NOW...these two were...just...maybe...able to combine their DNA (again to the well of mad science, he goes!), the results would be astounding.

On the one hand we have Maureen Dowd, certainly the father of this unholy fusion:

Traits (all genetic): Rides a broom, überbitch, zero humor, uncanny ability to sling long overused phrases of mud for the dwindling readership of the New York Crimes

Likes: Barack Obama, the Democratic Party, Joseph Stalin

Dislikes: George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, humor

Turn-ons: NOW doesn't allow her any. Well...there is that homeless guy...Paco...who lives in the alley behind the office, but I promised not to tell anyone because Paco doesn't want to ruin his reputation. Oops...sorry, Paco! It just slipped out.

On the other hand we have the Wicked Witch of Congress:

Traits (all cosmetic): OWNS (through extortion) the factory from which came Maureen Dowd's broom, überclown, hermaphrodite (strap on)

Likes: Abortions, Botox, Barack Obama, the Democratic Party, Cap-and-Slave, national health care, whips and chains

Dislikes: The Pope, George W. Bush, U.S. Constitution, people with brains

Turn-ons: Henry Waxman, Al Whore

The result? The Curious Case of Benjamin Button...



...the only reporter to have interviewed all 44 presidents.

On the positive side, "Benjamin" just might be the right pit bull to do us all a bloody favor and get Robert "Ahhhhh" Gibbs fired for looking foolish while never answering a question.

King of Pop’s Brain to be Implanted in King of Pork!

LOS ANGELES -- As millions prepared to watch a memorial service for Michael Jackson, at the Staples Center and via live feed on theater and arena screens around the world, details began to emerge about Jackson’s brain having been removed for transplantation into the skull of President Barack Obama.

“This guy was elected under the guise of being the smartest president ever; six months into the job he’s demonstrated more stupidity than all of the previous 43 presidents combined,” said Harry Nosering, MD, chief neurosurgeon for St. Moonbat Hospital in Los Angeles, who will conduct the transplant. “Michael’s brain can’t be any worse for the president than his own; plus, if we do the wiring right, he’ll be able to dance and grab his crotch and say ‘dah!’ during his speeches!”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs confirmed the pending operation, scheduled for later this week after the president returns from Russia, where he agreed yesterday to reduce America’s nuclear arsenal in exchange for a pack of Cloves, a case of vodka, a loan of 100 trillion rubles to fund Cap-and-Slave and national health care, a rabbit fur hat, and a promise that Russian President Dmitry Medvedev will get him North Korea leader Kim Jong-Il’s autograph.

“It’s…ahh…going to be…ahh….really cool,” Gibbs said. “Actually, it’s a three-way operation, with…ah…the president getting Michael’s brain, me getting the president’s, and…ahh…Joe Biden getting a lobotomy, so that he stops making outrageous statements to reporters, such as he wouldn’t ride mass transit during a swine flu outbreak and that America’s okay with Israel bombing Iran.”

Jackson died from a cardiac arrest at his Beverly Hills mansion on June 25 after a suspected overdose of painkillers. Sources at the coroner’s office revealed that his brain was removed before his body was released to relatives the next day.

One expert explained that the operation would actually be quite simple given that the three living men involved have very small brains that have barely, if ever, been used, and that Jackson’s brain was very well-preserved from years of apparent drug use. At various times, Jackson is said to have been taking Demerol and Oxycontin for pain from old back and leg injuries, and formaldehyde to keep his skin looking like a child’s.

“It’s really run of the mill surgery, to tell you the truth,” said Snappy Bottomburns, a former neurosurgeon and one of America’s foremost mad scientists. “I would imagine that since the president really can’t do anything without TOTUS at the moment his new brain will be quite an improvement. I would caution, however, that the president will have to be monitored for signs of cosmetic surgery addiction, given his new brain, particularly with the ears. I’d watch his ears in photographs very, very carefully over time.

“Besides, we’ve come a long way since Dr. Frankenstein. Surely Michael Jackson’s brain will perform better than Abbie Normal’s.”

DEVELOPING….

Obama Collectible Crap No One Wants

The American Thinker points out today there's a bunch of Obama collectible crap out there that no one wants. Just type "Obama" into ebay and you'll get a long list of shit that people recognize is worthless.

I take that back...there was at least one bid for this item... you can enbiggen for the full effect:


I would have looked into this issue sooner, but buying Obama's crap hasn't been very high on my agenda, as most of you know. So here's a just a little sampling of stuff out there that no one else is buying...which, I'm guessing, means they're not buying the crap he's selling from the White House anymore, either.

Now, naturally...I wouldn't want a John McCain gargoyle either...principally because this one looks like The Grinch.



But a Barrack Obama gargoyle? Man, it's not even realistic...for instance, where are the horns and tail and forked tongue?

Speaking of shit that's untrue: who in their right mind would buy a button that says this?



I mean, one can take only so much bullshit.

And, really, you want bigger bullshit? Channel Martin Luther King, a lifelong Republican by the way, about this image below, and I'll bet you'll tap into a string of expletives ending with a resounding denunciation of Oprah's false Epiphany: "The muther just ain't 'The One.'"



After finding something like the above collectible, well, everything has to go downhill from here (the narrative line simply must track that way, you see). So let's start with these...which are especially useful for running the country into the ground, I'm told:



Then there are a million commemorative plates out there bearing the president's visage. I think the only thing I'd buy one for is to smash on the stoop of a new home...to ward off the ghosts of plummeting property values and higher real estate taxes and impending stagflation.




Now, if you ask me, the only good reason to buy an Obama doll is to see if you can turn it into a voodoo doll to...um...inflict...um...your will on at least one arm of the federal government.




But...alas...the real McCoy is no longer available (and, I apologize, but you WILL have to enbiggen this one yourself):




The funny thing is...the more rocks you turn over, the more likely you are to find something entirely unexpected, thanks to this fellow.




Well...I'm glad we can at least put that issue to rest, aren't you?

President, First Lady Arrested over Toxic Garden

WASHINGTON - In a stunning development, President Barack Obama and his wife were arrested yesterday on charges of child abuse and human cruelty, after it was revealed they had fed their own children, visiting dignitaries, local school children, and a women’s homeless shelter “organic” vegetables from the First Lady’s garden that were laced with lead.

The president and Michelle Obama were released on their own recognizance, but ordered not to host any dinner or lunch parties, after tests revealed the soil in the First Garden had lead concentrations of 987,000 parts per million. (The Environmental Protection Agency puts the threshold for dangerous lead levels at 300 parts per million.) A preliminary hearing date has not been set. Obama becomes only the second president to be arrested while in office since Ulysses S. Grant, who was caught speeding around Washington, D.C., in a horse and buggy.

“Oh, this is worse, much, much worse,” said Skippy Limpcelery, president of the Vegan Society and an ardent supporter of the president during last year’s election, speculating that the Obamas put the lead in the garden on purpose. “For Obama and his so-called ‘glamorous’ wife to have claimed to plant an organic garden and then have poisoned hundreds of people -- including homeless women! -- is simply unconscionable. I can guarantee you he just lost half of his most socialist supporters. He’s a fake!”

Other former supporters were just as upset.

“This is nothing more than continuation of the Bush Food Doctrine and hatred against homeless people, people he privately labeled ‘evil-doers,’” said Cathy "Butch" Johnson, president of the National Organization for Women. “Obama should be impeached!"

However, Zippy Fruitcake, uberlord of the anti-human organization, Zero Growth, applauded the incident as an interesting possibility for population control that warranted further study. “While we disagree with the Obamas’ rape of the planet, we appreciate their creative pursuit of zero growth, both on an economic and population level, and would like to lend the administration our full support.”

The incident is awkward for a White House that has made prominent use of the vegetable garden to define Michelle Obama's role as First Lady, and to encourage sensible eating habits in children.

(It may also do serious damage to Mrs. Obama’s recent push for a more powerful position in the White House; sources say she had been badgering the president to issue an executive order that would have the verbally gaff-prone Joe Biden sent to the U.N. as the nation’s chief delegate and install her in his place as vice president.)

Children are especially vulnerable to exposure to lead, which can cause neurological problems and kidney damage and affect the processes that typically allow highly intelligent individuals to discover and understand the Constitution and develop (The Horror! The Horror! The Horror!) conservative principles, leaving them highly impressionable and dangerously susceptible to the vacuous perils of liberalism.

The vegetable garden had been understood as an important symbolic break from the George Bush presidency, and it became a cause for environmentalists and the organic food movement in America who had urged the Obamas to use the White House to set an example of healthy eating, healthy eating being, of course, the number one problem facing America at the moment.

The First Lady invited dozens of 10- and 11-year olds from a state elementary school in a transitional neighborhood of Washington to the White House last March to help her dig up a 1,100 square foot plot of land near her daughters' swing set. Photographers were let in to take pictures of her kneeling in the dirt and wielding garden tools.

Rumors that the press failed to report her smacking one of the children with a garden trowel for getting dirt on one of her $540 sneakers have gone unfounded.

The school children were invited back to tend the plot and just 2 weeks ago helped bring in the first harvest: 73 lbs of lettuce, 12 lbs of snap peas, and one cucumber the size of a baseball bat. Obama and the children then trooped into the White House kitchen to wash lettuce and shell and cook the peas for lunch, which they ate outside on white tablecloths. (The president was quick to strip one of the tablecloths from a table and wave it in the air, saying, “I’m just practicing my surrender technique for Iraq and Afghanistan.”)

Soon after, the school children developed severe symptoms of lead poisoning, such as stomachaches, vomiting, fatigue, headaches, and muscle weakness, leading to the testing of the garden soil.

The president, himself, then displayed classic attention problem symptoms often attributed to lead poisoning, when he failed to say anything during the first week of the crackdown on protesters following the recent Iranian presidential elections, instead spending hours and hours during the middle of the day watching episodes of Beavis and Butthead on the entertainment system he had installed behind a secret panel in the Oval Office.

ADHD Family Dinner Conversation

We had a great family discussion over dinner recently: Alternative names for "Democrat," such as "moonbat" and "zombie." My brilliant 5-year-old proceeded to shuffle around the kitchen, moaning, eyes closed, arms limply held out before her. Then my 8-year-old, smart little devil that he is, asked: "Is Obama the king of the moonbats?"

I don't think a father has ever been prouder.

Some New Friends

Captain Thurston, who may be more of a nutjob than I am, has invited me to contribute to his lovely tabloidesque blog, THE BIG FEED. Stop over and say hello, and please make him part of your regular stops.

BTW...fellow bloggers, the good Cpt. is looking for a few good men and women to board his ship, so if you're looking for another vessel for your Conservative eccentricisms, drop him a comment on any post over there.

Also, there's a new blog, Spank the 8, devoted to beating the shit out of the ACES 8 Republicans (in the 2010 elections, Mr. DOJ troll) who helped cap and slave make it through the House. Stop by there, too...or else I'll sick Vinny the Ice Pick on you.

The New Chrysler!

Fiat SpA Chief Executive Sergio Marchionne said Thursday that he was "very, very pleased" with the progress his team had made so far at turning around Chrysler and promised to unveil a bold new vehicle for the streets of America by the end of July.

The vehicle will rely on track power and travel at an average speed of 5 mph, turning a trip to the grocery store into a weeklong adventure.

"This new model will revolutionize driving and community development in America," Marchionne said. "First off, since it will take so long for anyone to get anywhere, folks will move into the cities to live next to their workplace and walk to their jobs, thereby drastically reducing fuel emissions -- so the whole debate over energy policy going on over in America right now could very well become obsolete. Second, drivers will be able to bulldoze what's left of abandoned neighborhoods, like Flint, when they do make weekend trips to the store. It will certainly reinvent the definition of going for a Sunday drive."

The new vehicle, to be called the Fiat Cinque Tank, has a yet to be determined price, but sources say the government's new $4,500 trade-in voucher for fuel efficient vehicles should just about cover it.

Here's a sneak peak at what this baby can do:

Via Pink Tentacle

Coincidence? -- Vol. 2

An occasional series on people of the political zeitgeist who curiously look like someone, or something, else...

Mindy Cohn, (from the Facts of Life)


Sonia Sotomayor, next SCOTUS justice

Again, I really think not...

The Obugger Effect: 9.5 % Employment

Nice of the pres to promise, to borrow a phrase from John Boehner, that filthy "pile of shit" Porkulus would stem it at 8%.

Fat chance, Mr. Arrogant. Perhaps you should be giving yourself the evil eye in the mirror...


Speaking of giving the evil eye: If Mark Sanford loves his soul mate so much, he should go ahead and resign and get on with the his great love affair, sparing us all. At least then he'll stop wasting taxpaper's money.

Besides, like Frank J. says: "I’d hope my wife would murder me before letting me go on and on and embarrass myself like Sanford."