ElRushbo Gives Me Townhall Protest Marching Orders

Source: Soylent Green

Originally posted August 2009.

I was just about finished polishing the last of my 7,001 gold bars, doing what rich white racist community organizers do when shamelessly hording our money from the IRS to fund secretive political missions from K Street, when the phone rang.

“Dr. Dave, I presume?”

“Yep,” I said into the Bluetooth headset the Republican National Committee bought me last fall during the infamous “Barack Obama Is a Kenyan” rallies, aimlessly rubbing circles over the gleaming gold bar in my hand.

“This izzzz Elllll-Russsshhhbo.”

“Hey, there Mahatma. Been reported to the White House today?”

“Dr. Dave, I’m sure Rahmbo records streaming audio of my voice every day; there’s no need for anyone to report me.”

“Good point. What can I do for ya?” I set down the gold bar and picked up a swastika arm band. I had a feeling it was going to come in handy.

“Glad you asked, Dr. Dave. I have some marching orders for you.”

I knew it, I thought. I’d been so bored of late, having been mundanely blogging thousands of words about the details of the president’s energy and health care policy and helping to bring down his popularity. I had a pretty good feeling that “marching orders” meant there was opportunity to be had in crisis. I was not disappointed.

“It’s time to load up the busses and haul in the grannies and granddads from all over the country. We’ve got to hit these Townhall meetings with force.”

Secretly inside I felt like a kid, as if I were again wiggling in delight over dropping a squirming frog down the front of Miss Wilson’s blouse and watching my third-grade teacher scream in revulsion, as she tore off her shirt to keep the frog from crawling into her bra, revealing what I figured at the time to be the greatest thing any 8-year-old had ever seen.

“No Brooks Brothers crowd, Rush? No seersucker suits and Bulova watches? You want straw hat and pitchfork types, right?” I said, trying to shake off the memory of my first community disruption to focus on the task in front of us.

“Righto, Dr. Dave. We need angry mobs.” I could hear the giddiness in his voice. He was reveling in the president’s Waterloo moment. He wanted this president to fail. “Make sure you round up lots of Libertarians and independents and pissed off Democrats, just to make it look good. We want to achieve deception here. We’ve got to make it look like the majority of Americans don’t want this health care business. We’ve got to make it look like people have just had enough.”

“Yes, Godfather,” I said.

And Rush went on, making it clear that his and Sean Hannity’s and Michael Steele’s and John Boehner’s and Mitch McConnell’s names were never to be associated with such shenanigans.

As he wrapped up, the doorbell rang.

RIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!

Explosions erupted inside the house. The dog, barking 40 times a second, came racing down the hall, the sound of her claws scraping the floor growing louder and louder as she approached. My kids, emitting high-pitched screeches, ran like banshees right beside the dog, the cacophony so loud I could barely hear Rush saying “What the…..What IZZZ that racket?”

I opened the door to find the FedEx man standing outside, holding an envelope. The two children dashed out to greet him, one coming from each side of me, the dog barreling out between my legs, almost knocking me over. In fear, the FedEx man flung the envelope at me and dashed down the steps.

I caught the envelope on my chest and fell back against the open door, balancing on one leg while using my other foot to hook the dog under her throat, to keep her from chasing the poor guy.

“What the hell is going on?” Rush said in my ear, clearly not happy.

“Sorry, Rush.” I made sure everyone was back in the house and took the Bluetooth off my ear for a second and screamed, knowing full well Rush could still hear me but at least I wouldn’t be ruining his cochlear implants. “KIDS!!! I’m trying to plan something here on the phone. Will you SHUT UP?”

My question was immediately ignored.

“What, Daddy? What? What? What are you planning?” my 8-year-old said, hopping up and down with the unabashed glee I recognized in myself the day I disrupted Miss Wilson’s classroom.

“Yeah, Daddy. What? What? What?” said my youngest.

“An angry mob. Now give me just a minute.” I put the headset back on and opened the envelope and took out a check. “WOW, Rush. Just a million this time?”

“Yes, Dr. Dave. It’s a tough economy, but we know you will use it wisely.”

“Sure, Rush. Heck, with the Cash for Clunkers discount, we might be able to use the money to buy a couple thousand Toyata Priuses and have the rabble rousers show up at the Townhall meetings disguised as anthropogenic global warming believers.”

“Good thinking, Dr. Dave.”

“Are you going to make fun of the president,” my youngest asked, adding: “Rock Obama! I don’t like him!”

“Me neither,” the 8-year-old chimed in. “Barack Obama: KING OF THE MOONBATS! Hey, Dad. Can we come too? We’ll have Mommy paint swastikas on our cheeks!”

“Dr. Dave,” Rush said, having listened to my family dynamic all along, “you’ve been raising them right. I think your angry mobs are going to be wildly successful.”

*

ElRushbo Gives Me Townhall Protest Marching Orders

“Why Do People Hate You?”

Guest post by Barack Hussein Obama, POTUS, LOTUS, and BOTUS*

Since Dr. Dave planted this kid today to ask me that question during a town hall meeting I spoke at in New Orleans, I had Anita Dunn commandeer this dumbass web site so I could post my official response. So I could be clear. Or clearer than I was when I told that kid in public:

I think that you've got to take it with a grain of salt. Some of it is just what's called politics where, you know, once one party wins, then the other party kind of gets -- feels like it needs to poke you a little bit to keep you on your toes. And so you shouldn't take it too seriously.

What I really wanted to say is, “Man, you better cut the shit or Imma gonna sic Aunt Esther on your hope-and-change ass.” But I didn’t. And just between you and me, smarming the kid, the little bastard, into believing whatever the hell I was saying was as easy as getting Joe Biden to play dead in the middle of the track during the Daytona 500. And I'm saving that trigger for when I really need it. Want to know the truth, Kid? You should take it seriously. Very seriously.

Clever of Dr. Dave, sending a black kid, too. You gotta watch that guy; he’s racist.

So I figured that since I have this space on the innerwebz for the foreseeable future, I might as well not only use it but also come clean.

Let me be clear:

People hate me because of the economy. I mean, c’mon. How stupid are you people? Yeah, the Dow is over 10,000, but unemployment is at 9.8 percent (or so we tell you…it’s really more like 16 or 17 percent if you factor in all the underemployed and self-employed and folks trying to live off the grid…so I don’t tax them more). You need me to read tea leaves for you, or something? The Messiah don’t play like that. So here’s the deal: Don’t be fooled by that little MSM bullshit that there ain’t no inflation. I’m only giving seniors $250 because, if I don’t, they’ll be at the gates of the White House with pitchforks and torches over what we’re going to do to their precious Medicare, when Obamacare becomes reality. Let me be clear: You’re about to get Obuggered, to use a popular term of Dr. Dave’s, in more ways than one -- specifically in food prices. And don’t put your eggs all in one basket. In fact, to reverse myself, I suggest you go to Vegas, and bet heavy…now.

People hate me because I lie. Joe Wilson was right. Alan Grayson not only looks like Shrek, he also is secretly planning to board the mothership with Tom Cruise. Believe what you want. There won’t be health care rationing. There won’t be any new taxes on people earning $250,000 or less. I will not sign a plan that adds one dime to our deficits. I think I’m pretty clear on this; Joe Wilson is fucking spot on.

People hate me because I’m a socialist. I like to spread the wealth. I’ve slept with Saul Alinsky, ACORN, and Bill Ayers more often than I have with Michelle. And you’ve got to know, if the NY Times is debating what the hell socialism is in 2009, the shit’s already hit the fan.

People hate me because I hate America. Hugo Chavez is my brother from another mother. I’ve asked Putin if he can teach me how to have such a great bare chest … in person, at a Motel 6 … in exchange for dropping missile defense in Eastern Europe, or any missile defense for that matter. And, as you know, I have a soft spot for anyone who enjoys American weakness at my expense.

People hate me because I’m an egotistical megalomaniac. Apparently there’s some new criteria for the Nobel Peace Prize, and I graciously accepted … because I knew three out of five Norwegians agreed they didn’t approve of me. I don’t have all of the facts, but I think Dave Checketts acted stupidly … oh … wait … that didn’t come out right. What I MEANT to say is that I love the National Football League even more than Rush Limbaugh does, and if he’s going to make fake racist statements, I might as well be the one to deliver national remarks about Hispanic Heritage Month in his place because a Monday Night Football game without me is like a noon broadcast at WABC-77 without Limbaugh. Who else is going to hold infomercials on national TV?

You know? I think I’m actually getting a thrill up my leg now. Where's that little kiss-ass Mathews when I need relief?

*LOTUS, Liar of the United States; BOTUS, Bugger of the United States

P.S. Not to belabor the point, but people hate me because I REALLY hate America. Via Soylent Green

P.P.S. People hate me because there's this lingering question about whether or not I'm Kenyan-born. Via IOTW

P.P.S. People hate me because I'm more popular than Santa Claus.

*

“Why Do People Hate You?”

Limbaugh Dropped from Rams Group; Will Run for President Instead; Letterman, Meanwhile, Apologizes for Olbermann Rape Comments

ST. LOUIS -- Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh today was booted from a group seeking to buy the St. Louis Rams because fabricated Wikiquotes now constitute rock solid evidence on which the MSM can base race card smear campaigns.

Limbaugh, meanwhile, said on his radio show that he'll take his $450 billion personal war chest -- earned exclusively by the increasingly anachronistic expression "sweat of his own brow" -- and launch a bid for the Republican presidential nomination against Democrat pResident Barack Obama in 2012.

"Folks, I don't even know if he plans to run for a second term; I don't even know if he cares. But I assure you, it would be impossible for a man of such hubris, such incredible narcissism, to park his Cadillac and avoid being president for 4 more years and not make even worse mistakes than he's done during his first year. Folks, I'm here to tell you that, no matter what, ElRusshhhbo is going to put a stop to him, once and for all."

CBS' David Letterman, meanwhile, applauded Limbaugh for his fortitude.

"He's the only man I know who can lose 90 pounds in 5 months and still carry enough ghostly weight to terrify the begeezus out of people. I mean, it's been said that slavery has its merit."

Letterman's monologue, which has taken on a tone of extreme seriousness since he embarrassed his wife by admitting to having affairs with young female staffers, tonight got even more bizarre.

"You know, I've had my share of troubles recently, and I've made some incredible apologies, but I have to say that apologizing for MSNBC's Keith Olbermann has to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm talking about Olbermann's recent comments about Roman Polanski. Here, why don't you listen to this, and you'll know what I mean.

"The exact quote is as follows:

Roman Polanski is being hung in effigy by the fascist Christian right, who claim he is the posterboy for what is wrong with the American left. Polanski's crime was no biggie, and if I were in his shoes, I'd hit that, too. Without hesitation. She looked older and was asking for it.

"If you could hear the rest of the report, folks, you'd not even worry about a source. You don't need one. It sounds like something a cartoonish caricature of Olbermann would say, so he therefore said it.

"And I won't even get into why I think LGF's Charles Johnson hates the Easter Bunny."

P.S. But we can get into totally real and not fake stupid quotes made by Democrats.

P.P.S. And where there are some, there are always more great momments in race relations ... by Democrats.

P.P.P.S. Of course, it would help if anyone could even prove Rush's RACIST! statements were real. Maybe it's because CNN and the rest of the MSM are too busy fact-checking anti-Obama jokes to fact-check their own reporting.

P.P.P.P.S. So let's get down to brass tacks: If Limbaugh is such a racist, why does the MSM need fabricated quotes to prove it?

P.P.P.P.P.S. It figures that a bunch of lawyers probably made up the fake quotes. More here.

P.P.P.P.P.P. S. And then Rush Limbaugh spoke.

*

Limbaugh Dropped from Rams Group; Will Run for President Instead; Letterman, Meanwhile, Apologizes for Olbermann Rape Comments

ElRushbo Gives Me Townhall Protest Marching Orders

Source: Soylent Green

I was just about finished polishing the last of my 7,001 gold bars, doing what rich white racist community organizers do when shamelessly hording our money from the IRS to fund secretive political missions from K Street, when the phone rang.

“Dr. Dave, I presume?”

“Yep,” I said into the Bluetooth headset the Republican National Committee bought me last fall during the infamous “Barack Obama Is a Kenyan” rallies, aimlessly rubbing circles over the gleaming gold bar in my hand.

“This izzzz Elllll-Russsshhhbo.”

“Hey, there Mahatma. Been reported to the White House today?”

“Dr. Dave, I’m sure Rahmbo records streaming audio of my voice every day; there’s no need for anyone to report me.”

“Good point. What can I do for ya?” I set down the gold bar and picked up a swastika arm band. I had a feeling it was going to come in handy.

“Glad you asked, Dr. Dave. I have some marching orders for you.”

I knew it, I thought. I’d been so bored of late, having been mundanely blogging thousands of words about the details of the president’s energy and health care policy and helping to bring down his popularity. I had a pretty good feeling that “marching orders” meant there was opportunity to be had in crisis. I was not disappointed.

“It’s time to load up the busses and haul in the grannies and granddads from all over the country. We’ve got to hit these Townhall meetings with force.”

Secretly inside I felt like a kid, as if I were again wiggling in delight over dropping a squirming frog down the front of Miss Wilson’s blouse and watching my third-grade teacher scream in revulsion, as she tore off her shirt to keep the frog from crawling into her bra, revealing what I figured at the time to be the greatest thing any 8-year-old had ever seen.

“No Brooks Brothers crowd, Rush? No seersucker suits and Bulova watches? You want straw hat and pitchfork types, right?” I said, trying to shake off the memory of my first community disruption to focus on the task in front of us.

“Righto, Dr. Dave. We need angry mobs.” I could hear the giddiness in his voice. He was reveling in the president’s Waterloo moment. He wanted this president to fail. “Make sure you round up lots of Libertarians and independents and pissed off Democrats, just to make it look good. We want to achieve deception here. We’ve got to make it look like the majority of Americans don’t want this health care business. We’ve got to make it look like people have just had enough.”

“Yes, Godfather,” I said.

And Rush went on, making it clear that his and Sean Hannity’s and Michael Steele’s and John Boehner’s and Mitch McConnell’s names were never to be associated with such shenanigans.

As he wrapped up, the doorbell rang.

RIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!

Explosions erupted inside the house. The dog, barking 40 times a second, came racing down the hall, the sound of her claws scraping the floor growing louder and louder as she approached. My kids, emitting high-pitched screeches, ran like banshees right beside the dog, the cacophony so loud I could barely hear Rush saying “What the…..What IZZZ that racket?”

I opened the door to find the FedEx man standing outside, holding an envelope. The two children dashed out to greet him, one coming from each side of me, the dog barreling out between my legs, almost knocking me over. In fear, the FedEx man flung the envelope at me and dashed down the steps.

I caught the envelope on my chest and fell back against the open door, balancing on one leg while using my other foot to hook the dog under her throat, to keep her from chasing the poor guy.

“What the hell is going on?” Rush said in my ear, clearly not happy.

“Sorry, Rush.” I made sure everyone was back in the house and took the Bluetooth off my ear for a second and screamed, knowing full well Rush could still hear me but at least I wouldn’t be ruining his cochlear implants. “KIDS!!! I’m trying to plan something here on the phone. Will you SHUT UP?”

My question was immediately ignored.

“What, Daddy? What? What? What are you planning?” my 8-year-old said, hopping up and down with the unabashed glee I recognized in myself the day I disrupted Miss Wilson’s classroom.

“Yeah, Daddy. What? What? What?” said my youngest.

“An angry mob. Now give me just a minute.” I put the headset back on and opened the envelope and took out a check. “WOW, Rush. Just a million this time?”

“Yes, Dr. Dave. It’s a tough economy, but we know you will use it wisely.”

“Sure, Rush. Heck, with the Cash for Clunkers discount, we might be able to use the money to buy a couple thousand Toyata Priuses and have the rabble rousers show up at the Townhall meetings disguised as anthropogenic global warming believers.”

“Good thinking, Dr. Dave.”

“Are you going to make fun of the president,” my youngest asked, adding: “Rock Obama! I don’t like him!”

“Me neither,” the 8-year-old chimed in. “Barack Obama: KING OF THE MOONBATS! Hey, Dad. Can we come too? We’ll have Mommy paint swastikas on our cheeks!”

“Dr. Dave,” Rush said, having listened to my family dynamic all along, “you’ve been raising them right. I think your angry mobs are going to be wildly successful.”

*

ElRushbo Gives Me Townhall Protest Marching Orders

Obama Issues Gag Order over Racial Firestorm

WASHINGTON -- Facing increasing criticism today over interjecting himself into a routine arrest involving a black man and a white police officer last week, President Barack Obama signed an executive order banning all public and private discussion of the incident, particularly in reference to him.

“I think the teachable moment has ended,” the president said, reading a statement to groveling reporters in the Blue Room at the White House. “America has talked enough, and that talk isn’t doing me any good at all, and the only thing that’s been taught is that I am just as likely as the vice president to reveal my true, dangerous thoughts when speaking without a teleprompter. I hereby declare further discussion of my involvement in the aftermath of the arrest last week of my good friend Henry Louis Gates by Cambridge Police Sergeant James Crowley to be a federal offense of the new ‘disorderly criticism of the president’ statute that we’ve introduced to the record today. Offenders will be arrested and housed indeterminately, presumably until after someone dares to try to get me out of office, in a facility similar to the detention center in Guantanamo Bay; we just have to work out details over its funding, location, and construction later. I have a call in with the Chinese right now to see if they have some spare change for us to start the design.”

The president refused to comment further following his prepared remarks, instead hoisting VTOTUS, giving his new teleprompter a loving caress and a kiss on the screen, and carrying the only thing keeping him from sounding like an idiot as he walked silently from the room.

Details of the executive order began to emerge quickly following the news conference. ACORN Obamabots who helped the president get elected in November were ordered to begin immediate patrols across America, of neighborhood streets, subways, taxi cabs, bars, summer schools, businesses, malls, airplanes, trains, private homes, family sedans and SUVs, and truck stop and airport bathroom stalls to listen for any discussion of the subject. Their orders, sources say, are to report back using secure BlackBerries with direct connections to the president, each, like his, costing $4,000, and then make immediate arrests.

One Obamabot, who said his name was Leflower DeAcron Oaktrunk, had this to say, when reporters caught up with him peaking under the door of a Target dressing room to listen to a woman talking on her cell phone: “Dah... fazzelbaden… Barack… crumbcake… mescaline.”

Such enlightened and skillful soldiers are said to be emerging from cracks in walls and skittering across floors and streets and into closets all over America at this very moment.

Flack over the incident took off last week when the president said Cambridge police “acted stupidly” in arresting Gates for disorderly conduct a few days earlier, after police were called to the house rented by the Harvard African Studies professor. Gates and a companion had broken into the house because Gates left his keys inside. When confronted by Crowley and other police officers (one black, one Latina), according to the official police report, Gates was uncooperative and raised his voice. Charges were later dropped, before Obama entered the discussion.

Even after the president issued his decree, talk of the incident occurred briefly today, before the president’s Obamabots descended, as if pouring from light sockets and from under filthy toilet seats, to arrest prominent conservative radio talk show hosts Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.

Limbaugh, arguing the president had committed a grave political error in trying to stir up racial tensions in America, was hauled away from his Florida studio following his early afternoon broadcast. Hannity, insinuating the president’s comments reflected beliefs he learned from the Rev. Jeramiah Wright (Obama’s former pastor at Trinity Unity Church of Christ), was hit from behind with bolts from two tasers during commercial break, sources say, and dragged away by three goons who resembled clones of Rahm Emanuel, the president’s chief of staff.

Reached later, the Rev. Wright had this to say about the incident, followed by this. No one came to arrest him.

Press Secretary Robert “Ahhhh” Gibbs issued the following statement late in the day: “The president has had enough of people stirring up racial debate in this country. Yes, I know, he was the first one to bring race into the mix, well, after Professor Gates, but the president believes it’s time to stop the debate. And we all know…when the president talks…people had better start listening…or else.”

Conspicuously missing during the debate was Vice President Joe Biden, who early last week was in Ukraine. Sources say Biden was being held, for his own good, in the bunker beneath the Eisenhower complex (no use keeping it a secret, since he’s already told everyone about it), bound and gagged, so he doesn’t make things worse.

This reporter was able to procure a note Biden scribbled just as the secret service was hauling him down to the bunker: “Were there any hot police in on the call to Professor Gates’ house? If so, send me an email with a youtube video of it! I'll watch it on my phone. I cannot believe that a black man visiting Cambridge went back home and told his colleagues he discovered something and didn’t say he discovered the most beautiful police officers in the world; that’s my observation.”

*

Obama Issues Gag Order over Racial Firestorm