President Leads Police on Drunken Vehicle Chase after White House Beer Party

Reposted from July 2009.

WASHINGTON -- President Barack Obama was arrested for DUI this afternoon after taking a Harvard professor and a Cambridge police officer on a harrowing barhopping tour and subsequent high-speed police chase through the city.

What started as a beer picnic outside the Oval Office to clear the air over the president’s embarrassing comments last week after the arrest of Harvard’s Henry Louis Gates turned ugly, when Obama, having quaffed one Bud Light and four plastic bottles of water in 15 minutes, stole a Secret Service SUV and demanded Gates and Sgt. James Crowley continue their party throughout the District of Columbia.

When Crowley refused to enter the SUV and politely threatened to arrest the president for disorderly conduct, Obama clubbed him on the head a half dozen times with a full bottle of water and shoved the unconscious police officer into the back seat. Obama then jumped in the driver’s seat and mashed the accelerator and rammed the massive vehicle through the White House gate at a high rate of speed.

Gate guards and members of the Secret Service were too stunned to react.

“It was like he turned into Kimbo Slice when he beat up that officer,” said one secret serviceman, who asked to remain anonymous. “We just didn’t know what to do. To be honest with you, after seeing him throw that girly pitch at the MLB All-Star game, we were wondering if this guy was
really a poser.”

Vice President Joe Biden, who saw the whole thing from the Oval Office, where he was practicing sitting at the president’s mahogany Resolute desk and saying presidential things like “ahhh” and “ummm,” said Obama has a drinking problem.

“I knew the rumors were swirling among his supporters that the president has been seen drinking from noxious plastic water bottles far too often in public, but I didn’t know it was this bad,” Biden said. “I guess the petroleum from all that plastic must have leeched into his brain and triggered something evil that we just couldn’t see coming.”

By the time everyone realized what had happened, the vehicle carrying the three men had sped out of sight.

The president and Gates, however, were soon seen dragging Crowley into Halo, on P Street, where a bartender, who calls himself Max, said the president ordered four more plastic bottles of water, while Gates drank a Perrier.

“They got that nice police officer, who was slumped on the bar, a chocolate-strawberry martini, but he wouldn’t wake up to drink it,” the bartender said. “The president kept poking him with an empty water bottle and telling him he was acting stupidly and asking him to stop faking it. But, I have to tell you, I don’t think that man was faking anything. He was out cold.”

Witnesses said the president and Gates carried Crowley back to the SUV after spending about 15 minutes at the bar, long before police could arrive on the scene. The vehicle was spotted about 10 minutes later at Café’ Saint-Ex & Gate 54 on 14th Street, but only for a short while. One witness said only Obama and Gates went into the bar, then came out after just a few minutes, dripping wet and laughing hysterically and carrying sloshing plastic bottles of water.

“It looked like they had been having a water fight,” another witness said.

By the time the three men were spotted at the Wonderland Ballroom on Kenyon Street, Obama was reportedly hitting the wall. “He kept yelling, ‘SHOTS. Let’s do SHOTS!’” said a male barmaid who identified himself only as Candi. “He must have done about 4 shots of Evian, and then started dumping tequila down that poor police officer’s throat. It was very frightening.”

Obama reportedly got word from one of the bar patrons of the sound of approaching sirens, and the three men stumbled out (this time, Crowley on his own) of the bar and piled into the vehicle and drove off, just as police cruisers came barreling down the street.

Witnesses say the president drove the SUV erratically back toward the White House, weaving in and out of traffic for several blocks, as police closed in. More than once the SUV left the street and lumbered down the sidewalk. Along the way, the vehicle ran over a clown who curiously resembled Minnesota Senator Al Franken, a female prostitute, and two homeless men sleeping on the sidewalk.

The prostitute got up and ran away, while the homeless men crawled back into their cardboard boxes and fell asleep again. Only the clown died, the coroner said. Vehicular manslaughter charges may be pending, police said.

“We have to wait for identification procedures and toxicology tests before we know whether or not it really was Franken,” one officer said. “If it was, I doubt we’ll press charges. But if it really was a working clown, well then, by God, we’ll throw the book at the president.”


Police finally caught up with the vehicle on Pennsylvania Avenue, when Obama took a corner too fast and it slammed into a fence.

Police quickly took the president into custody. Obama was charged with battery, motor vehicle theft, destruction of government property, and driving under the influence, before he was hauled off to the Marion Barry Honorary Cell at the DC Jail, a cigarette dangling from his mouth.

Obama still faces charges of child abuse and human cruelty over feeding children and homeless people lead-laced vegetables from the First Garden.

UPDATE: A million thank yous to Friendly21 for posting a link to this over at Hot Air.

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President Leads Police on Drunken Vehicle Chase after White House Beer Party

Flies Revolt, Swarm White House

Reposted from June 2009.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Billions of flies descended on the nation’s capital this morning, torching entire neighborhoods, looting businesses, and swarming the White House in a revolt against President Barack Hussein Obama’s brutal public execution of a fly last week.

The riots began early during rush hour. Hordes of flies could be seen flying low to avoid detection by radar in squadrons from all directions, carrying either excrement bombs or signs declaring “Exoskeletal Beings Have Rights, Too.” Sorties pummeled everything along The Mall and from Pennsylvania Avenue south to the Tidal Basin and the Jefferson Memorial.

Before the Pentagon could realize what was occurring and muster a swift defense, flies had secured a perimeter 10 square blocks around the White House and began their assault on the president’s quarters. Local flies quickly joined the fracas, setting fire to their own homes and looting businesses, particularly grocery stores and sushi restaurants.

“It was an incredible nightmare,” said a homeless man, leaning against one of the few cherry trees that weren’t set ablaze in Lafayette Square, just across Pennsylvania Avenue from the White House. Identifying himself as former General Motors Corp. Chief Executive Rick Wagoner, who claimed he hid under a space blanket during the riot, the man was appalled something like this could happen in Washington. “It’s despicable those flies would do so much damage to their own neighborhoods. Do they think this is Los Angeles or Detroit?”

One Secret Serviceman, who refused to be indentified, said the Eisenhower Executive Office Building, where Vice President Joe Biden lives, was gutted by fire and feared destroyed.

“We were really scared the White House was next, once we got the vice president out of his underground bunker and managed to hide him in an abandoned subway station nearby,” he said. “He actually had a good time playing cards with the homeless guys down there. I think he felt right at home.”

The Secret Service tried using their Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catchers to trap as many flies as possible, but the flies kept resuming their assault once they were let free. “Now I know what the Gitmo detainees must be thinking of doing once we let them go,” the unidentified Secret Serviceman said.

The Pentagon finally called in crop dusters and strafed the entire city with secret stashes of illegal DDT, just in case there were outlying cells of flies ready to continue the fight.

“I know we’re not supposed to use that stuff, but the situation demanded appropriate action, and the president acted decisively in the best interests of the nation’s capital…and himself,” a Pentagon spokesman said. “We’ll deal with the fallout, and the possible increase in future cancer rates from Washington residents and government employees, when we have to. Besides, if we get national health care, anyone who gets sick from this stuff won’t be treated anyway. So, really, it’s a win-win.”

By mid-afternoon, the entire National Mall, the South Lawn, The Ellipse, the Washington Monument grounds, and Constitution Gardens were a sea of black, with dead flies piled a foot deep as if a blizzard from hell had engulfed the city.

The exterior of the White House was in disrepair, with most of the windows facing Lafayette Square shattered and the paint on the statuesque columns chewed away. On the south side of the building, the following words appeared to be scrawled in excrement on the fascia of the balcony: “You May Be the Messiah But You’re No Lord of the Flies.”

Sources say the president, who was in the building at the time of the attack, remains shaken but unharmed.

The entire city was also still in lockdown, with the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the National Guard, and officers of the Air Force Office of Special Investigations, Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, Capitol Police, Central Intelligence Agency, Defense Criminal Investigative Service, Department of State Diplomatic Security, Drug Enforcement Administration, Environmental Protection Agency, Federal Protective Service, Fish & Wildlife Service, Immigration and Customs Enforcement, Internal Revenue Service, Marshals Service, Naval Criminal Investigative Service, Postal Service, Secret Service, and Transportation Security Administration going door to door armed with cans of Raid to kill any remaining flies that might be in hiding.

Several government sources said they feared federal employees are now so afraid of something like this happening again that they’re going to quit their jobs and flee the area, ruining the city’s claim to the only dwindling unemployment rate in the nation.

Unsubstantiated rumors implicate People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) as organizers of the revolt. A spokesman for PETA refused to comment on the allegations or that fact that 10 members of PETA were arrested on Pennsylvania Avenue, including buxom blonde TV star Pamela Anderson, who was detained for trying to smuggle flies to safety inside her mouth.

The PETA spokesman did indicate his group would take action. “We have knowledge that so many flies from the Eastern seaboard were offended by the president’s murder of one of their innocent brothers that they joined in the revolt and were summarily executed themselves. We fear the damage to the ecosystem may be irreversible. We demand that Congress immediately take up legislation to add these exoskeletal beings to the endangered species list.”

The president himself issued this written statement through the White House Press Office:

“The history of our treatment of flies in this country is abhorrent. We are bad…very bad. I myself am even more bad:

Because I’m bad, I’m bad -- come on
(bad, bad -- really, really bad)
You know I’m bad, I’m bad -- you know it
(bad, bad -- really, really bad)
You know I’m bad, I’m bad -- come on, you know
(bad, bad -- really, really bad)
And the whole world has to answer right now
Just to tell you once again,
Who’s bad . . .

“I apologize for committing murder last week. I was tired. Gibbsy was over there, off camera, egging me on. We all thought it was a big joke. I see now how wrong I was. I look forward to dialoging with the flies, PETA, and anyone else concerned about this terrible incident in our history.”

This satire is also posted at Smart Girl Nation.

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Flies Revolt, Swarm White House

Genius Barack Obama: The U.S. Needs "Bottom-up Economics"

I'm sure bottom-up economics (you know, from the 49% percent of the population that doesn't pay taxes) fueling a recovery in Barack Obama's next term will ... drain all swamps.

I know, maybe Obama can use eminent domain to confiscate every underwater middle class family home, then turn around and sell them to Mexican drug cartels.

Or let's confiscate all of the 50-inch HDTV screens from welfare recipients and peddle them to underprivileged countries.

Wait. You know what will jump-start the economy? Selling tickets to an MRI of Joe Biden's brain.

Or naming a homeless guy the Czar of Bottom-up Economics; he'd probably be just as qualified as Obama's current czars.

Even a pay-per-bow system every time Obama visits with a dignitary could do more good for the economy than anything that comes from his Marx-addled brain.

The comedy of horrors continues.

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Genius Barack Obama: The U.S. Needs "Bottom-up Economics"

I Guess The pResident's Brain Transplant Didn't Work Out So Well

It's been a year since Michael Jackson died, allowing other events to unfold. Let's take a look back at something that may explain a lot about why the Failure in Chief has had such a bad year.

Previously posted in July 2009:

King of Pop’s Brain to be Implanted in King of Pork!

LOS ANGELES -- As millions prepared to watch a memorial service for Michael Jackson, at the Staples Center and via live feed on theater and arena screens around the world, details began to emerge about Jackson’s brain having been removed for transplantation into the skull of President Barack Obama.

“This guy was elected under the guise of being the smartest president ever; six months into the job he’s demonstrated more stupidity than all of the previous 43 presidents combined,” said Harry Nosering, MD, chief neurosurgeon for St. Moonbat Hospital in Los Angeles, who will conduct the transplant. “Michael’s brain can’t be any worse for the president than his own; plus, if we do the wiring right, he’ll be able to dance and grab his crotch and say ‘dah!’ during his speeches!”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs confirmed the pending operation, scheduled for later this week after the president returns from Russia, where he agreed yesterday to reduce America’s nuclear arsenal in exchange for a pack of Cloves, a case of vodka, a loan of 100 trillion rubles to fund Cap-and-Slave and national health care, a rabbit fur hat, and a promise that Russian President Dmitry Medvedev will get him North Korea leader Kim Jong-Il’s autograph.

“It’s…ahh…going to be…ahh….really cool,” Gibbs said. “Actually, it’s a three-way operation, with…ah…the president getting Michael’s brain, me getting the president’s, and…ahh…Joe Biden getting a lobotomy, so that he stops making outrageous statements to reporters, such as he wouldn’t ride mass transit during a swine flu outbreak and that America’s okay with Israel bombing Iran.”

Jackson died from a cardiac arrest at his Beverly Hills mansion on June 25 after a suspected overdose of painkillers. Sources at the coroner’s office revealed that his brain was removed before his body was released to relatives the next day.

One expert explained that the operation would actually be quite simple given that the three living men involved have very small brains that have barely, if ever, been used, and that Jackson’s brain was very well-preserved from years of apparent drug use. At various times, Jackson is said to have been taking Demerol and Oxycontin for pain from old back and leg injuries, and formaldehyde to keep his skin looking like a child’s.

“It’s really run of the mill surgery, to tell you the truth,” said Snappy Bottomburns, a former neurosurgeon and one of America’s foremost mad scientists. “I would imagine that since the president really can’t do anything without TOTUS at the moment his new brain will be quite an improvement. I would caution, however, that the president will have to be monitored for signs of cosmetic surgery addiction, given his new brain, particularly with the ears. I’d watch his ears in photographs very, very carefully over time.

“Besides, we’ve come a long way since Dr. Frankenstein. Surely Michael Jackson’s brain will perform better than Abbie Normal’s.”

Then again, maybe not.

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I Guess The pResident's Brain Transplant Didn't Work Out So Well

Snarky Link Dump

No comment necessary.

Because I never do this ... and because I've been up much of the night with Wild Thing #1, who either has a rotovirus or food poisoning, and as such this is all you're gonna get from me today.

A "warning label" on the Constitution -- Cato smokes out a moonbat publisher everyone should avoid.

Jan Brewer gives pResident Zero the finger: The Wisdom of Soloman

F***wad Charles Johnson extends the American school year to July 4 so Mexican students can wear their flag to school: JammieWearingFool

I don't think $846 an hour for a part-time government hip hop instructor is enough. I'm holding out for a grand: Moonbattery

Protest sign in AZ: "We will shoot more police .. until we get free" ... healthcare, jobs, house, food (and no taxes): NoisyRoom.net

Putin snubs Joe Biden on the 65th anniversary of the end of WW II. Now that's a BFD: Piece of Work in Progress

Who needs satire when the (no longer read) media refuses to discuss Islamism? Yid with Lid

Liberals can be birthers. And why not? They're truthers, aren't they? Weasel Zippers

Support the ACLU: Screw Mother's Day, hate stay-at-home moms, buy a prostitute, and get your teenage daughter an abortion: Right Klik

Ah, the benefits of nationalized health care ... death panels don't even give doctors a pass when they need life-saving medicine: Conservative Hideout

I'd piss on Jeneane Garafalo, too: King Shamus

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Snarky Link Dump

No Whites Allowed

While professional race-baiter Al "Somewhere Inside Me There's a Little Boy (Because I Ate Him)" Sharpton goes for the jugular -- and the contents of your house -- and the owner of "Los Suns" introduces Spanglish to the NBA in protest of Arizona's immigration law, back in the rest of real America, racism is as strong as ever:

An Ann Arbor elementary school principal used a letter home to parents tonight to defend a field trip for black students as part of his school’s efforts to close the achievement gap between white and black students.

Dicken Elementary School Principal Mike Madison wrote the letter to parents following several days of controversy at the school after a field trip last week in which black students got to hear a rocket scientist.

Yes. You read that correctly. White students weren't even allowed to enter by the back door, let alone attend a whites-only version of the event. They were told to stay home. As Joe Biden would say, if he weren't trying so badly to fit in, this is a big f***in' deal.

Not settling with telling all non-black students to but out, Madison intimidated the white students who felt, and in fact were, slighted because of the color of their skin:

District spokeswoman Liz Margolis said after the trip was over, those who went returned to their fifth-grade class and were greeted by boos by those who didn’t go on the trip. Margolis said Madison, who is black, heard the boos, and went to talk to the class. She said he and the class had a “discussion” about race issues.

“He wasn’t yelling at them. He was very passionate about it,” Margolis said.

He even got away with being "anti-Muslim" (surely the ghost of a teabagger must have possessed Madison at the time):

Parents have complained he was yelling at the class and belittled a Muslim girl who said she also had experienced racism and discrimination.

If Madison were white and kept black students from attending an event, every member of the driveby media would be screaming for his resignation from the top of Mount Rushmore. You'd have the pResident of these United (in name only) States hastily calling a press conference to denounce Madison for acting stupidly. In the very least, you'd have the Detroit Tigers changing their name to the Detroit Blacks, in support of black students, for their home games this week.

Instead, we now live in a country where it's justifiable to reverse discriminate in order to achieve Sharpton's moronic vision of the future: We won’t have true social justice until everything is "equal in everybody’s house" -- except his.

Instead, we're left to point out the folly of the left through parody and snark ...

... and even that practice is becoming segregated from what used to be a wide-open innerwebz faster than you can count the number of luxury homes Al Gore owns.

Instead, I'm left to admit that, for the first time in my adult life, I'm not proud of (the many hypocritical people who live in) my country. Actually, to tell you the truth, I haven't been proud of them since long before Nov. 4, 2008.

Cross-posted at Red State and Conservative Hideout.

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No Whites Allowed

17 Suspicious Similarities Between Obama Club Shanghai and the Regime

Next week entrepreneurs in China will launch a new gentlemen’s club, Obama Club Shanghai. Officials say pResident Barack Obama has no involvement in the club’s operations, but some uncanny similarities to the Obama Regime should give rise to healthy suspicion.

Sources indicate that:

George Soros is a major investor.

Andy Stern is retiring as president of SEIU so he can run the club’s VIP area, The Boardroom. Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein, meanwhile, will be a frequent visitor and has donated a million dollars for the club’s grand opening.

The Boardroom will feature a putting green. Obama's look alike will give special performances, hitting Titelist balls into the cup while a slide show of the world descending into chaos streams in HD on a 10-foot screen behind him as Nero's Fiddle by Clutch blares from the club's sound system.

Joe Biden has been hired as the club’s first featured entertainer. He’ll dress in drag and sing such classic hits as "This Is a Big F$^kin' Deal" and "He’s an Articulate and Bright and Clean and Nice-looking Guy."

Dancers will be required to wear sleeveless dresses and boob belts and have hips so large they can catch hula hoops. Oprah, who is retiring from television, will be the first featured dancer.

To enter the club, patrons will need to submit their income tax return. Middle class people will immediately get taxed a mandatory 40 percent tip. Businessmen will have to surrender their salary and bonus and the reigns to their company. Low-rent customers who declare themselves present and demonstrate community organizing experience will get a Nobel Peace prize based on their grossly exaggerated potential.

Bowing to the doorman exempts anyone from needing to prove their level of income.

The club will serve a nightly list of salt-free special entrees called Obama’s Picks, including dishes like Rahm's Finger Surprise and Michelle's Lead Salad and Barry's Bitter Pill Delight. Servers will dress up like Obama Regime czars. Every Friday will be date night; management will pick up the tab of anyone who orders from the Obama’s Picks menu.

Sundays will feature giveaway night. Patrons will receive free gas, mortgage payments, and healthcare for life.

Anyone who refuses to visit the club will be branded a racist, extremist TEA Party sympathizer, to be rounded up and sent to Gitmo and never heard from again.

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17 Suspicious Similarities Between Obama Club Shanghai and the Regime

UPDATE: Joe Biden Gets Freaky

Via Allahpundit

UPDATE: Later in the day, Pluggers took the group to an amusement park (via Blogwonks):


But not before he channeled Howard Dean (h/t: Matt, @Conservative Hideout)

ORIGINAL POST: Joey Mumbles obviously went nuts today.

Vice President Joe Biden exults as he tells female student athletes how inspiring they are to younger girls, during an announcement about action on Title IX that provides equal opportunities for female athletes, at the Charles E. Smith Center at George Washington University in Washington, Tuesday, April 20, 2010. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

He looks ... just ... a ... little ... too ... exulted, if you ask me.

It's as if he's been spending too much time watching '80s Canadian TV pedo-perv Fergie Oliver go for itty-bitty ... well ... you can guess by watching this video:



And then took a few rides around California with this suspected bomb expert and his:

"suspicious wire, with an on/off switch" in his pants pocket [that just happened to be] "found to extend from the pants pocket to the subject's anus."

I say keep it up, Joey. Between your antics and the Narcissist in Chief's constant amateurisms, the TEA party movement could disband today and you guys would still get your butts whipped in November.

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UPDATE: Joe Biden Gets Freaky

Drunken President Leads Police on Vehicle Chase

In honor of The One ditching the White House Press Corps yesterday I thought I'd take the opportunity to remind everyone the pResident has a history of going AWOL...

Reposted from July 30, 2009...

WASHINGTON -- President Barack Obama was arrested for DUI this afternoon after taking a Harvard professor and a Cambridge police officer on a harrowing barhopping tour and subsequent high-speed police chase through the city.

What started as a beer picnic outside the Oval Office to clear the air over the president’sembarrassing comments last week after the arrest of Harvard’s Henry Louis Gates turned ugly, when Obama, having quaffed one Bud Light and four plastic bottles of water in 15 minutes, stole a Secret Service SUV and demanded Gates and Sgt. James Crowley continue their party throughout the District of Columbia.

When Crowley refused to enter the SUV and politely threatened to arrest the president for disorderly conduct, Obama clubbed him on the head a half dozen times with a full bottle of water and shoved the unconscious police officer into the back seat. Obama then jumped in the driver’s seat and mashed the accelerator and rammed the massive vehicle through the White House gate at a high rate of speed.

Gate guards and members of the Secret Service were too stunned to react.

“It was like he turned into Kimbo Slice when he beat up that officer,” said one secret serviceman, who asked to remain anonymous. “We just didn’t know what to do. To be honest with you, after seeing him throw that girly pitch at the MLB All-Star game, we were wondering if this guy was
really a poser.”

Vice President Joe Biden, who saw the whole thing from the Oval Office, where he was practicing sitting at the president’s mahogany Resolute desk and saying presidential things like “ahhh” and “ummm,” said Obama has a drinking problem.

“I knew the rumors were swirling among his supporters that the president has been seen drinking from noxious plastic water bottlesfar too often in public, but I didn’t know it was this bad,” Biden said. “I guess the petroleum from all that plastic must have leeched into his brain and triggered something evil that we just couldn’t see coming.”

By the time everyone realized what had happened, the vehicle carrying the three men had sped out of sight.

The president and Gates, however, were soon seen dragging Crowley into Halo, on P Street, where a bartender, who calls himself Max, said the president ordered four more plastic bottles of water, while Gates drank a Perrier.

“They got that nice police officer, who was slumped on the bar, a chocolate-strawberry martini, but he wouldn’t wake up to drink it,” the bartender said. “The president kept poking him with an empty water bottle and telling him he was acting stupidly and asking him to stop faking it. But, I have to tell you, I don’t think that man was faking anything. He was out cold.”

Witnesses said the president and Gates carried Crowley back to the SUV after spending about 15 minutes at the bar, long before police could arrive on the scene. The vehicle was spotted about 10 minutes later at Café’ Saint-Ex & Gate 54 on 14th Street, but only for a short while. One witness said only Obama and Gates went into the bar, then came out after just a few minutes, dripping wet and laughing hysterically and carrying sloshing plastic bottles of water.

“It looked like they had been having a water fight,” another witness said.

By the time the three men were spotted at the Wonderland Ballroom on Kenyon Street, Obama was reportedly hitting the wall. “He kept yelling, ‘SHOTS. Let’s do SHOTS!’” said a male barmaid who identified himself only as Candi. “He must have done about 4 shots of Evian, and then started dumping tequila down that poor police officer’s throat. It was very frightening.”

Obama reportedly got word from one of the bar patrons of the sound of approaching sirens, and the three men stumbled out (this time, Crowley on his own) of the bar and piled into the vehicle and drove off, just as police cruisers came barreling down the street.

Witnesses say the president drove the SUV erratically back toward the White House, weaving in and out of traffic for several blocks, as police closed in. More than once the SUV left the street and lumbered down the sidewalk. Along the way, the vehicle ran over a clown who curiously resembled Minnesota Senator Al Franken, a female prostitute, and two homeless men sleeping on the sidewalk.

The prostitute got up and ran away, while the homeless men crawled back into their cardboard boxes and fell asleep again. Only the clown died, the coroner said. Vehicular manslaughter charges may be pending, police said.

“We have to wait for identification procedures and toxicology tests before we know whether or not it really was Franken,” one officer said. “If it was, I doubt we’ll press charges. But if it really was a working clown, well then, by God, we’ll throw the book at the president.”


Police finally caught up with the vehicle on Pennsylvania Avenue, when Obama took a corner too fast and it slammed into a fence.

Police quickly took the president into custody. Obama was charged with battery, motor vehicle theft, destruction of government property, and driving under the influence, before he was hauled off to the Marion Barry Honorary Cell at the DC Jail, a cigarette dangling from his mouth.

Obama still faces charges of child abuse and human cruelty over feeding children and homeless people lead-laced vegetables from the First Garden.

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Drunken President Leads Police on Vehicle Chase

The Short List of Candidates to Replace Justice Stevens

Image by iOwnTheWorld.com

Justice John Paul Stevens, the longest-serving member of SCOTUS, is retiring to the old-old folks home. It's probably about time he hangs up his robe anyway, if he can still remember where to find it. George Burns said sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope; I would imagine that interpreting the Constitution at age 90 is like trying to throw a baseball when you're the wrong president.

It's a tough age. My grandma's 90, and her biggest obsession is worrying about how much nothing works as well as it used to. (Hell, I'm in my 40s and I know that already.) Then again, my Dad's dad was still delivering the mail at 90 -- driving down the road at 15 mph and pissing off every person in upstate New York, all of them getting stuck behind his stationwagon, the line of cars sometimes seeming to back all the way up to the Tapanzee.

It's probably good timing for Justice Stevens to step down, anyway. It will give the ADHD-addled Liar in Chief something else to do, since he seems to hop from issue to issue to issue like a rabbit with a harem. It'll also give the talking heads something to talk about, who pResident Barack Obama will probably nominate. Allow me to jump the gun, and give you the likely short list of candidates.

1. Oprah. She doesn't have a law license, but in the Obama Regime, why let qualifications get in the way? The Puffer in Chief owes her. She coined the term "The One." She's probably half the reason he's in office right now, well maybe only 10 percent if you remember the MSM inserted their heads so firmly inside Obama's colon they extracted enough Obamalove to smear on the voters. Still, Oprah could be Zero's one. She's retiring from TV, needs something to do, and has a marker to call in. Besides, I hear Obama needs to find a place for her since her tryst with him and Mobama isn't working out.

2. Janet Napolitano may be among the list of candidates, but then again I hear Obama wants to nominate a woman.

3. Joe Biden. If Zero doesn't go the route of nominating a woman to the bench, where else could Joey Mumbles do more harm? Also, Joey's twice been under the knife for brain aneurysms, and the last time the doctor accidentally cut the nerve leading to Joey's manhood, effectively rendering him a woman. Furthermore, the Obama Regime won't be complete until a Supreme Court justice mentions the words "This is a big fuckin' deal" on camera. And finally, after Zero's healthcare "victory," Obama certainly has been throwing his weight around like someone who doesn't need an insurance policy.

4. Michelle Obama. Sources say RuPaul would top this list, because Obama really wants to appoint a transgender justice, but shehe doesn't have a law license. Then again, neither does Mobama since she "voluntarily" surrendered her law license in 1993. But she does have experience denying people healthcare, a big bonus since Obama may have to fight an eventual challenge to Obamacare in the Supreme Court. She may also fit the transgender prerequisite.

5. Barack Obama. Is it any surprise? Last time I looked, Barack Obama was an expert on everything. Already the CEO of GM, the nation's chief nuclear expert, our Physician in Chief, top insurance expert, head apologist, and top economist (no doubt I'm leaving out many of his other areas of expertise), the pResident has to occupy his time with something other than ... being president.

A PhotoChop by Jamie

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The Short List of Candidates to Replace Justice Stevens

It's Official: Obama Can't Possibly Be the Smartest President Evah

Back in November 2008, when Obamamania had reached its apex and swept the most questionable presidential candidate evah into office, we were treated with these statements of epic stupidity in an exchange between Historian Michael Beschloss and the affable but sharp and direct Don Imus:

Historian Michael Beschloss: Yeah. Even aside from the fact of electing the first African American President and whatever one’s partisan views this is a guy whose IQ is off the charts — I mean you cannot say that he is anything but a very serious and capable leader and — you know — You and I have talked about this for years

Imus: Well. What is his IQ?

Historian Michael Beschloss: … our system doesn’t allow those people to become President, those people meaning people THAT smart and THAT capable.

Imus: What is his IQ?

Historian Michael Beschloss: Pardon?

Imus: What is his IQ?

Historian Michael Beschloss: Uh. I would say it’s probably – he’s probably the smartest guy ever to become President.

At the time, most of us in the Conservative blogosphere were struck by the nativity of a so-called "historian" making up "facts" from whole cloth, while those on the left were suffering aftershocks from the election in the form of tingles up their legs. At least we got huge chuckles from those statements, and immediately recognized Beschloss as a hack, his comments being about as big a fuckin' deal as anything Joe Biden would say.

But, now it's official. The Puffer in Chief can't possibly be the smartest president evah:

Smokers have lower IQs than those who abstain, with intelligence decreasing the more one smokes, researchers have found.

A study of 18 to 21-year-old men revealed that the IQs of smokers averaged 94 -- seven points lower than non-smokers on 101.

What's more, the pResident's addiction to tobacco is probably evidence of why he continues to push a DeathCare policy that no one wants, and is no doubt the reason Zero spent 17-minutes and 2,500 words responding the other day to a woman's simple complaint about being over-taxed -- one an example of his addiction to bad policy, the other an example of his addiction to himself:

People with lower IQs are not only prone to addictions such as smoking. These same people are more likely to have obesity, nutrition and narcotics issues.

After all, we already know that the pResident's problems with drug abuse had a profound effect on his relationship with Larry Sinclair.

Now I know that radio talking head Michael Medved continues to say that it's demonstrative for Conservatives to label this pResident as stoooopid, but then Medved occasionally strikes me as being about as Conservative as Alren Sphincter.

So, I'll take the hit for calling Obama stooopid. After all, it's now been proven by science.

I say, smoke up Barry.

In fact, I'd like to suggest that every single American who despises this man's policies should send him a carton of Marlboros, you know, to hasten his decent into retardation.

BTW, as an aside, I would have been bored out of my socks, too -- at any age.

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It's Official: Obama Can't Possibly Be the Smartest President Evah

Real Men of Genius: Joe Biden

THIS is a big fucking deal.

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Real Men of Genius: Joe Biden

On the Road to Ruin

Posted on behalf of Jamie.

Well, he's signed it.

Joe Biden to the rescue… Drops the f-bomb for the President to make it more interesting. We are governed by morons…

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On the Road to Ruin

Obama Will Send Biden to Help Win Afghanistan

Excuse me while I move some files from the Word Press site over here so I can delete that thing forever. If you didn't see this before, now's your chance!

Previously published 12/1/2009

WASHINGTON — Giddy he was finally able to make a decision, pResident Barack Obama couldn’t help but spill his new strategy for Afghanistan today, long before his nationally televised speech scheduled for tonight.

He was walking on the White House South Lawn, proudly surveying the latest evidence of the genius of Obamanomics. Before him were scores of card tables containing national artifacts and state secrets, all for sale for pennies on the dollar at a Treasury flea market raising cash to pay down the national deficit. At one table, the Declaration of Independence could be had for 25 cents. Another offered copies of top secret records from the Los Alamos National Laboratory, the ticketed price a mere $2.

Obama strolled past the tables, gaping in awe at the possibility of reaching his fundraising goal for the day: $40. He stopped at one table, a smile spreading across his lips. “My birth certificate,” he said. “So that’s where it’s been all this time. I’ll give you a penny.”

Your humble narrator had sneaked into the White House with an old press pass from my MSM days, now doctored to look like it was issued by the NY Times. The Secret Service had taken one look and let me through security, apparently the mere mention of the pResident’s most favorite donors being good enough for clearance.

Obama, being uncharacteristically transparent, told me he had decided sometime just before Thanksgiving that he should send Vice President Joe Biden into Afghanistan, instead of filling Gen. Stanley McChrystal’s requestfor 40,000 troops, because Biden is a highly trained weapon proficient in the farcical art of Bullshit.

“Joe will talk so much nonsense, the man-made-disaster-makers will blow themselves up just to get away from him,” Obama said. “After all, it’s not like he does anything around here anyway. Then again, neither do I, really.”

As he walked, Obama said that he would also send Tiger Woods’ wife, Elin Nordegren, along with Biden.

“That babe is deadly with a 9 iron,” Obama said.

He’d considered sending in the Party Crashers, too, but declined because he feared they’d use the assault to get an interview on the Today Show, plus he didn’t want to offend any Palestinian sympathizers.

“I also thought about sending Chris Matthews but then thought better of it, after realizing he’d probably just start humping Osama’s leg,” the pResident said. “We’re pretty sure the Taliban and Al-qaeda prefer goat-sex anyway.”

Via The Nose on Your Face

I heard the pResident’s words but didn’t really listen because each sentence that rolled out of his mouth sounded more preposterous than the one that came before it. I wondered if he had any clue that the more he talks the more he loses support from not only Democrats but also the Arab world.
Instinctively, I blurted out a question that had been nagging me all morning: “In these strange times, when Honduras votes for freedom and the Swiss fight back against Mooslems, don’t you find it highly ironic that the U.S. is marching to the left of Cuba, straight into moonbattery?”
Obama looked at me with his patented arrogance, chin tilted up, eyes looking down his nose, and … strangely … started laughing, just like when Chris Wallace asked him back in March if he were “punch drunk” over his spending policies.
“This is a good photo op, isn’t it? You need a little gallows’ humor in times like this,” he said and walked off, continuing to laugh, Rahm Emanuel and Eric Holder in tow, Emanuel picking lint off Obama’s jacket and eating it, Holder asking the pResident to sign an executive order reestablishing funding for ACORN.
I stood there, staring after Obama, bewildered by his antics. To my left, the sound of sudden cackling caught my attention and, from the corner of my eye, I could see Biden wearing a yellow suit with red underpants and a cape. He pranced drunkenly around the South Lawn, singing, and as I strained to listen, I recognized a couple lines:
“Here I come to save the day/That means that Mighty Joe is on the way!”
I turned and left to look for a nearby bar and a dozen early cocktails to wash away what I’d just witnessed, shaking my head with the sad knowledge that as long as Zero is in charge, everything around us is in terribly serious jeopardy.

*

Obama Will Send Biden to Help Win Afghanistan

Liars, Clowns, and Thieves

Posted on behalf of Jamie


We have always seen that the real loonies accuse others of what they are guilty of themselves… So Joe Biden says that Dick Cheney isn’t entitled to rewrite history… what chutzpah…


A new CNN poll shows that 52% of those polled would not reelect The One we’ve been waiting for… So, maybe we can change that to The One we’ve been waiting for to leave…


Barack Hussein Obama (Mmm, mmm, mmm) is starting to get the jitters when it comes to Hillary and 2012…


Even softballs from David Gregory on NBC’s Meet The Press couldn’t hide the fact that these clowns just don’t get it… The One, Biden, and Eric Holder all have said publicly that they want civilian trials for terrorists so that the world will see that we are open and fair. In the same breath, they prejudge the trial, saying terrorists won’t go free…


It has to be clear to almost everyone that this clown is in WAY over his head…


The One is being schooled by his boss in preparation for the trap being set for Republicans on February 25th…

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Liars, Clowns, and Thieves

Secession as a Solution to the Washington Debt Threat

I've been unblogged for a few days with various items to accomplish, such as finally FINALLY finishing Atlas Shrugged because while the first 700 pages drag on for longer than an Obama campaign tour the last 300 pages go about as fast as it takes Joe Biden to drop another whammy on us.

So I'm just popping in to say I'm still here, and to run this tasty morsel of thought past you.

Via NoisyRoom.net and pilfered in its entirety from Whiskey and Gunpower.

By Ron Holland

Frédéric Bastiat must have been looking toward the future of the United States today when he said, “When plunder has become a way of life for a group of people living together in society, they create for themselves in the course of time a legal system that authorizes it, and a moral code that glorifies it.”

I fear the federal government will plunder much of our private wealth, retirement plans and personal savings through hyperinflation, financial controls and confiscatory tax rates all in the name of protecting the public from a future debt crisis unless the states can secede from the Union and the crushing Washington debt load.

The first actual secession following several attempts by the New England states took place in the South and it ended with the defeat of the Confederate States of America. Now secession is again in the news and this time it may be the only solution to surviving the coming Washington national debt crisis.

We need to forget the causes of the earlier War Between the States, regional differences, slavery, tariffs and other related issues. The new secession effort will be state-based but a national movement all across the United States ranging from Vermont to Georgia, Texas to Alaska etc. Economic survival and prosperity rather than regional issues will be motivating factor.

The first secession was a product of anti-southern tariff taxes resulting in the Southern states paying the majority of the revenue to fund the distant federal government. A mistaken defense of the dying institution of slavery by slaveholding elites in the South also contributed to the failed secession effort. Third, the advancement of corporate manufacturing profits and railroad expansionism by the Northeastern establishment elites were a major contributor. Finally the promotion of a conflict by the European Rothschild banking interests funding both the Northern abolitionists and the Southern secessionists guaranteed a violent breakup of what should have been a peaceful parting of the states.

Still the right of democratic state-by-state secession did not die at the point of a bayonet at Appomattox Court House in 1865. The belief in peaceful devolution of government powers and services to regions and local jurisdictions to allow citizens to control the power of politicians and government is a positive advancement for the 21st century. In addition, the right of devolution of states, geographic regions and groups around the world promotes competition and freedom.

I believe legal state secession from the Washington Empire just might become the only way for American citizens to escape the disastrous consequences from the coming global run to liquidate holdings of Washington treasury obligations and the dollar. Breaking free of the false chains that threaten our economic future from the likely Washington debt/dollar collapse might be our last chance to safeguard our financial security and liberty from the hyperinflation and crushing new tax increases to be forced on this and future generations from the bailouts and national debt.

Imagine no Washington income tax, no interference in the internal affairs of individual states, no involvement in perpetual wars around the world without a declaration of war, no Washington tax-feeding bureaucrats telling individual citizens, state legislatures or state agencies what to do.

Consider the benefits of sovereign states voluntarily participating in a decentralized republic or confederation, maybe like America’s first central government created by our patriot founding fathers, the Articles of Confederation. A decentralized nation where marriage, religious views, history, symbols, culture, abortion, gay rights etc. are determined on a state basis, Where citizens can eat, drink, smoke or do whatever with regulations and conduct governed by the norms of a state or locality rather than a distant federal government.

Can you envision a healthy economy, with minimal government debts combined with a rising standard of living and job growth guaranteed by low taxes, minimal regulations and currency competition? All of this without the Federal Reserve and Wall Street creating excessive bubbles followed by contraction and collapse and then demanding bailouts.

Imagine for a moment a people and sovereign states with future generations free from the illegitimate Washington national debt which threatens to destroy the prosperity, savings, housing values and jobs for our children and grandchildren. Review the US National Debt Clock which tells the entire story and our future. Today the official US National Debt breaks down to $40,079 per individual. Look at the clock link to see the increase per second.

Finally, when you consider the total unfunded liabilities of Washington (see the link above), the liability per American citizen is $177,515. Remember, none of the citizens of the individual states or America in general have had the opportunity to vote on the bailout or approve these debts most of which have gone to international corporations, Wall Street and world banking cartels. We, our children and future generations should not have to fund or pay off an illegitimate debt created just to bail out a few global corporations and wealthy special interests.

The Washington Empire is now run for the benefit of New York financial and economic interests who own and control most of Congress. Due to the recent bailouts and added debt which the majority of Americans opposed, the United States is now sadly on the path toward economic, debt and currency destruction.

Why should my state, South Carolina or other states join the federal government in future poverty, loss of freedoms and lagging economic prosperity with a dismal future determined by their foreign creditors? I say, it is time to free the states and citizens from the dark economic future which Washington and Wall Street have created. Just maybe we can finally be free at last from Washington’s national debt.

As Dr. Martin Luther King, from his I have a Dream speech said, “Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last.” To quote another Southerner, Jefferson Davis was right when he stated, “I love the Union and the Constitution, but I would rather leave the Union with the Constitution than remain in the Union without it.”

I think it is time for Americans left and right to reconsider where our nation and the federal government have ended up. Few would question that the all-powerful Washington government living on borrowed debt and fake prosperity is a political model which has failed miserably.

Today the constitutional protections have become just another dead document through the actions of Bush and Obama. A recent, WSJ/NBC poll showed that only 3% of Americans believe the government is doing a good job. Given the margin of error in the poll, the real % could have been zero.

Let’s revisit the political wisdom of the original republic founded through the blood and sacrifice of our patriot founding fathers. Back to something like the original republic of sovereign state republics, the Articles of Confederation.

Today in 2010, join me in voting both for the dream of Dr. King and the vision of Jefferson Davis. It is time to replace the failed Washington leviathan with a new limited central government based on the original vision of sovereign states where we become again, “these United States” instead of “the United States.” I’m voting in 2010 and 2012 in support of the Tenth Amendment and for the right of nullification.

Finally, if necessary, I’ll support temporary secession efforts from the empire until we restore the original republic of our founding fathers. We must be free of an illegitimate national debt, an unconstitutional Federal Reserve and protected by currency competition and the choice of a currency based on the gold standard.

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Secession as a Solution to the Washington Debt Threat

Biden's Foot In Mouth Disease

Joe Biden's latest comment directed at newly minted Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown literally begs the question:

When you smell and taste shit ,

Do you take your head out of your ass?

Granted, the position of Vice President of the United States does leave a lot of latitude for what you do in your spare time, and from the crazy-assed verbage Joe has been spewing for the past few decades I would guess he has taken up the hobby of collecting neurotropic venereal diseases.

From Politico44.com:

Sen. Scott Brown thinks Vice President Joe Biden was “off base” when he suggested Sunday that the Massachusetts Republican get his facts straight on the legal procedures for military tribunals.

“It was insulting,” said Brown, who frequently jabbed the administration during his Senate campaign for giving suspected terrorists legal representation. On CBS's “Face the Nation” last weekend, Biden shot back that he doesn’t “know whether the new senator from Massachusetts understands: When you get tried in a military tribunal, you get a lawyer, too.”

Biden is talking trash about a man, Sen. Brown, who has been in the National Guard for over thirty years and

"is currently the Guard's top defense attorney in New England."

This is the deal. Biden is questioning whether or not Sen. Brown understands the mechanics of a military tribunal; Biden questions a military lawyer who represents soldiers ... in military justice courts ... whether or not he understands military tribunals.

Biden's comments came as part of the White House's effort to defend its move to try alleged Sept. 11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in a federal court, as well as the decision to read Miranda rights to the accused Christmas Day bomber.

Brown pushed back Monday on one of the White House's talking points about the handling of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab: that the Bush administration handled Richard Reid, the so-called shoe bomber, in the same way. “I’ve always felt that suspected terrorists should be tried in military tribunals and not civilian court, and as a matter of fact so do the majority of Americans,” Brown said.

“The big difference is are we going to pay $1,000 an hour for a private attorney and treat him as a civilian or ordinary criminal in a criminal court, or are we going give him a military attorney who’s going to be paid as a captain, major or lieutenant colonel, and obviously go through the military tribunal process?"

Joseph "I Can Lick My Balls!" Biden is the only Vice President who hails from Delaware.

Perhaps he will be the last.

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Biden's Foot In Mouth Disease

Snarky Jabs at Democrats

A Photochop by Jamie

The Community Organizer in Chief should nominate a “Corpse-man” Czar. He’ll need one after most of the Congresscrats get killed at the polls in November.

That’s why every Democrat should write these four words on their hand: I’m going to lose.

Then again, it would be a lot easier for the nation if Obama just bought every Democrat in Congress a Toyota.

BTW, did you notice the four words written on Obama’s hand during his “rare” news conference yesterday? “I enjoy acting stupidly.”

On the other hand, he’d written: "I love Larry Sinclair."

Speaking of hands, I wonder if the Democrats will do a hand count of the number of kids shoveling snow and guys earning overtime plowing it these past few days and tell us next month that they saved or created a million jobs in February.

If they do, they’ll be able to narrow that pesky gap between jobs lost in the private sector and jobs gained at the government trough.

If the population of moose is dwindling in Minnesota, it's not because of global warming, especially since their numbers are growing in other states. I'm pretty sure they're just leaving to get away from all the Democrats.

I’m no longer going to question Obama’s faith or citizenship; it's clear he puts his faith in government and that he’s a citizen of the New World Order.

Maybe Obama's just a big joker. He can't really believe that shoving socialism down your peasant throat is bipartisanship, while trying to stop insanity makes you a member of the party of “no.”

I think Mobama’s right: her fat ass is a threat to national security.

Obama is backing off having weeks ago called Wall Street execs obscene and the height of irresponsibility and shameful and outrageous for accepting bonuses, probably because Congress raising the debt limit to $1.9 trillion makes Wall Street look like a 5-year-old's lemonade stand.

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Snarky Jabs at Democrats

In A Parallel World, Angled Left From Our Own, All Is Doom and Darkness....

Lord Barrackus Obamus XIII swept majestically into the chamber and let his gaze fall terribly upon the frail, weeping form of Lord Joseph Biden, Arch Duke of Delaware.

“Master,” cried Lord Biden, “What have I done to displease you!”

Looming cadaverously over the room, the soothing yet icy voice of Obamus seemed to come from everywhere at once.

“Joseph, how many times has it been?”

“Um...sorry?”

“How many times has it been?” Obamus proclaimed, this time with more emphasis.

Daring to look up, but careful not to meet His eyes, Joesph said, “Totally not following you.”

Silence engulfed the room, and darkness descended over all, complete but for his eyes....terrible eyes which had cowed a once proud nation into submission for four "election" cycles, and which now glowed green with the fire of a thousand nightmares. Obamus was displeased.

“Ahh, so you still have something like a spine under all that wrinkled white skin of yours, is that right? Perhaps it was that spine that caused you to flout my most recent Commandment...?”

Biden's brow began to furrow in affected concentration so as to show Obamus that he was really thinking hard about it. Then, surprisingly, it hit him -- and he blanched. “L-l-l-l-ord....m-my lord...it -- it was an accident!”

“Go on...”

“I put...uh...that is...well I...m'Lady Obamus made cookies for the girls!”

“Yes....”

“And one of them, I can never tell which one...both equally clean...well...she offered me one!”

“Uh huh, that would be Sascha, you racist jackass...but continue...”

“I...you know, I am getting a little old, mouth gets dry -- I got some milk.”

“And then?”

“Well, I put back the milk -- I put the top on it the way I was told to by m'Lady Obamus. I did right!”

“Don't stall. If you had left the top off again you'd be dead already, wouldn't you? What happened next?”

Shaking, voice trembling, Biden blurted, “I put the glass in the sink! That's where it is supposed to go! I put it there, I shouldn't get in trouble for putting it where it goes!”

For a few minutes, the only sound in the room was the heavy breething of Lord Biden.

“Joseph...do you know what kind of milk that was?”

“Sorry?”

“Do you know what kind of milk that was?'

“Uh....still not following you.”

The floor heaved mightily, and a flash of actinic blue light blazed from the eyes of Lord Barrackus Obamus. “DO. YOU. KNOW. WHAT. KIND-OF-MILK-THAT WAS??!?”

“No -- I'm sorry, I do not know!”

“IT WAS WHOLE MILK!”

“Oh no, no I'm so sorry!” screamed Lord Biden hysterically, “I thought it was skim!”

The glowing eyes of Obamus widened innocently. “Oh you thought it was skim? Well, let us all just rest our little heads then, because Joseph the dum-dum Biden is here to think away all our pwobwems so nobody has any pwobwems anymore! I guess we'll just have to live with crusty white milk rings at the bottom of our glasses when we want juice, or water -- or milk of our own, if you didn't drink it all again.”

Biden was already shaking his head. “I didn't drink it all -- I swear!”

“Well you better not have,” replied Obamus, dangerously. “m'Lady Obamus likes to have milk in the morning with her oatmeal. If you think I'm tough, you really don't wanna tangle with her.”

“Those arms...” whispered Biden in horror.

“Exactly.”

Feeling a little brave, Biden asked, “So what is to become of me, master?”

Obamus was approaching something like a good mood. Yelling at people always helped. He didn't think Biden would leave milk in the bottom of the glass again, at least not anytime soon -- he'd do something else though, something equally dumb, Obamus was sure of it. But that was Joseph for you.

“Joseph, let me be clear: I'm feeling like burgers. Your punishment is to go to Five Guys and bring us all back some burgers.”

“Uh....your Magnificence...there is one problem.”

“What's that?”

“Five Guys went out of business 2 years ago -- killed by the recession.”

“You mean the recession I inherited.”

Nodding carefully, Biden replied, “Oh ya, that's right.”

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In A Parallel World, Angled Left From Our Own, All Is Doom and Darkness....

Snarky Tips For How Obama Could Win Re-Election in 2012

It’s looking like 2012 will be an uphill battle for pResident Barack Obama. There’s even supposition that his own secretary of state may beat his ass for the nomination; hey, may the best man win.

I’m just here to help.

And Zero needs it.

After all, Scott Brown likely gets sworn in today, essentially derailing the pResident’s entire agenda … if 41 Republicans in the Senate can stick together. And I know millions of fed-up Americans who are willing to ruin any Republican’s political future if any one of them gets stupid and goes maverick.

The nature of politics in Washington that Obama swore he would change … changes … because of him … today. Just to give him a hand, because he looks like a good father and has been, now and then, known to throw a beer fest (one of my favorite daily events), I thought I’d give him some advice. Here are my ironclad recommendations that will guarantee that you, Mr. pResident, will win re-election in 2012:

Fire Rahm Emanuel as chief of staff and replace him with Sarah Palin’s Facebook page, since it has far more influence on the country.

Give the 56 percent of Americans who pay all of the income tax in this country tax amnesty through the end of 2012, while taxing all members of Congress and Obama cabinet members (including czars) 450 percent of their net worth over the same time period.

Issue an Executive Order to make the Wicked Witch of Congress and Harry Reid go skydiving without parachutes.

Donate your brain to science, so that we can once and for all find out just why liberals are born without brain cells. You’re not using it anyway.

Require Henry Waxman to wear a plastic bag over his head, duct tape over his mouth and nostrils, and have one strychnine martini via IV each day for 6 months … just to be sure.

Enroll Mobama as a contestant in Extreme Makeovers, where she’ll undergo liposuction around her ample midsection, arm reduction surgery, a Halle Berry face transplant, and a fashion sense brain implant. She’ll also need to donate all of her boob belts to the cattle industry in order to improve milking science.

Stop the order to close Gitmo and round up George Soros and Andrew Stern and Chris Matthews and Keith Olberman and throw them in a cell with KSM. Have KSM teach them what Muslim men like to do with goats.

Reinstitute the space program and strap Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein and Alan Grayson into a rocket with a monkey and shoot them into space on a secret mission. Soon after, have the monkey jettison Boxer and Feinstein and Grayson as junk and report back to Houston that there is no sign of intelligent life in space.

Send Joe Biden to Vegas and have him bet 10 Scooby Snacks he can’t slop whiteout over every line of information on his birth certificate, then challenge him to double down and fill in the birth certificate as if it were your own. … Then steal the document and introduce it before a Senate hearing as proof, once and for all, of your citizenship and claim to have caught Biden doctoring your birth certificate. To top it off, deport Biden and Al Gore (as Biden’s handler) to the North Pole, on an ice floe floating toward a hungry mother polar bear and her two cubs.

Fire David Plouffe as your chief bitch in charge of fixing everything you screwed up and replace him with Mickey Rourke and shoot him up with steroids and have him drop a Ram Jam on every Republican who gets in your way.

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Snarky Tips For How Obama Could Win Re-Election in 2012