Showing posts with label Michelle Obama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Michelle Obama. Show all posts

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Obama Needs More Bacon


When Barack Obama opens his ample mouth, people make fun of him. You can take anything the man says and turn it against him. It's just too easy.

Statements like this make my world go round (about Mitt Romney's 2012 campaign): "You can pretty much put their campaign on, on a tweet and have some characters to spare." (Notice the grammar gaffe, "on, on.")

Queue the LOLOLOLOL:

While we know from the president's mouth that Moochelle Obama doesn't quite like to put things in her mouth,  it's obvious that Obama needs to fill his own. I suggest more bacon; a nice Burger King bacon sundae ought to do the trick.

Moochelle might not approve, but then she has a habit of planning lavish, high-calorie dinners on your dime because, well, she can:

The White House has proposed mandating meals for elementary school kids that include none of these items, or anything like them. Here, for example, is the Wednesday lunch from a proposal on the White House website. 
Chef’s salad: (1 cup romaine, .5 oz low-fat mozzarella, 1.5 oz grilled chicken) with whole wheat bread
Soft pretzel (2.5 oz)
Corn, cooked (1/2 cup)
Baby carrots, raw (1/4 cup)
Banana
Skim chocolate milk (8 oz)
Low fat ranch dressing (1.5 oz)
Low fat italian dressing (1.5 oz) 
Here’s what the governors got: 
Garden salad
Bread and butter
Ribeye steak 12 oz
Creamed spinach
Crab mac and cheese
Pear tart with ice cream
White wine 
Based on conservative estimates of caloric totals for each of the items that found their way to the governors’ plates, and assuming consumption of a single glass of wine from the bottles that were placed on the tables, the total intake amounted to about 2,250 calories. 
The recommended intake for an adult male during AN ENTIRE DAY is about 2,500 calories. For women, it’s about 2,000 calories.
You won't find that menu in Moochelle's new book, American Grown, but then again you have to show identification to get her to sign it while in most states you can vote if you're dead. It's all part of her Marie Antoinette act, telling you what's black and white for you to eat, all while she plays out 50 shades of grey on a daily basis as only a Demorrhoid can.


Dinner is even better if you attend an Obama fundraiser:


And break out your roulette wheel. You, too, can choose the next celebrity guest for a fundraising dinner! My lucky stars; I think it should be Madonna, baring itty bitty titty.

Such is life when you spend too much time jetting around the world, while your husband golfs and smashes fundraising records. It's hard to keep your focus. Did someone say we need more jobs?



Speaking of jobs, the Theft-Winger in Chief's Twitter account has been tweeting incessantly about the importance for the nation to hire more federal firefighters and teachers, the president apparently forgetting that there aren't any to begin with.

Which begs the question: Was it a Chevy Volt?

Bacon, Mr. President. Fill that big mouth with bacon. You may also want to try some Cherokee.




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Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Well I'll Be Dipped in Oil!


Because it sure looks like Mobama just was.
U.S. First lady Michelle Obama flashes two thumbs-up to the crowd, as she is introduced by Panama City Beach Mayor Gayle Oberst, on Panama City Beach, Florida July 12, 2010. Obama visited the area to show support for the people and businesses impacted by the BP Deepwater Horizon oil spill. Reuters.
Via Weaselzippers. H/T @CrackaCrib
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Thursday, May 20, 2010

Arizona Employs New Secret Weapon Against Immigration

Arizona has apparently employed a new secret weapon to rid the state of its illegal immigration problem.

According to anonymous sources, a new security force, dubbed Operation First Lady, will spread out, hip to hip, across Arizona's 150-mile border and scare off potential illegal crossers. Each member of the security force will be cloned from First Lady Michelle Obama and will wear this uniform:

Another, even more secret and terrifying security detail, also cloned from Michelle Obama, will infiltrate schools and office buildings and job sites across the state, terrify unsuspecting illegal immigrants into revealing their lack of papers, and chase them back across the border into Mexico.

Officials have denied the existence of both security forces, but evidence the programs are already working began showing up yesterday.

DEVELOPING ....
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Saturday, May 8, 2010

Obama Date Night at Kommie Restaurant

At least they probably felt welcome.

UPDATE: Welcome Photoshop sleuths, but, you see, that's why those little words "satire" and "snark" in the tags above, oh, and the link to the original image, should have given you more than enough clues to save you from wasting all that time trying to prove this obviously doctored image was, well, doctored. Hope you had fun, though.

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Snarky Link Dump

No comment necessary.

Because I never do this ... and because I've been up much of the night with Wild Thing #1, who either has a rotovirus or food poisoning, and as such this is all you're gonna get from me today.

A "warning label" on the Constitution -- Cato smokes out a moonbat publisher everyone should avoid.

Jan Brewer gives pResident Zero the finger: The Wisdom of Soloman

F***wad Charles Johnson extends the American school year to July 4 so Mexican students can wear their flag to school: JammieWearingFool

I don't think $846 an hour for a part-time government hip hop instructor is enough. I'm holding out for a grand: Moonbattery

Protest sign in AZ: "We will shoot more police .. until we get free" ... healthcare, jobs, house, food (and no taxes): NoisyRoom.net

Putin snubs Joe Biden on the 65th anniversary of the end of WW II. Now that's a BFD: Piece of Work in Progress

Who needs satire when the (no longer read) media refuses to discuss Islamism? Yid with Lid

Liberals can be birthers. And why not? They're truthers, aren't they? Weasel Zippers

Support the ACLU: Screw Mother's Day, hate stay-at-home moms, buy a prostitute, and get your teenage daughter an abortion: Right Klik

Ah, the benefits of nationalized health care ... death panels don't even give doctors a pass when they need life-saving medicine: Conservative Hideout

I'd piss on Jeneane Garafalo, too: King Shamus
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Sunday, May 2, 2010

More Evidence the Obama Affair Story is Bunk

IOTW broke this stunning news early this morning: BarackRoll emphatically refutes the National Enquirer story claiming infidelity at the highest levels of the land.

Meanwhile, the Enquirer has stripped most of the meaty details from the original story and is now kinda, maybe, backing away from their initial claim that there is video evidence of an affair between Zero and Vera Baker with the alleged testimony of an anonymous chauffeur.

I told you the story couldn't be true.

UPDATE: Seriously, though. Obama does not appear to like women.

It's kind of understandable. Even his own "wife" can't beat a drag queen in a beauty contest:

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Saturday, May 1, 2010

The Narcissist in Chief Joins the Cheater in Chief Club?

OOPS!


PRESIDENT OBAMA has been caught in a shocking cheating scandal after being caught in a Washington, DC Hotel with a former campaign aide, sources say.

And now, a hush-hush security video that shows everything could topple both Obama's presidency and marriage to Michelle!
Vera Baker was a previous finance director for Zero, and is striking:

But, still: Dude. You're married! How do you think this sits with your children?

At least we now know why Michelle has Zero's balls. How do you think you'd fare after pissing this off?

BUT CAN IT BE TRUE?

You really do have to wonder about the validity of this story. After all, we do have so much contradictory evidence indicating that he's a bit light in the loafers.


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Wristy Images Courtesy of Free Republic
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Saturday, April 24, 2010

Michelle Obama Really Needs To Do Something About Her Package

So much for me trying to remain subtle.

Remember when Zero headed to Gropehagen for the free sex? We all knew he was just getting a bit tired of putting up with his hard home life.

He probably should think about returning soon. Apparently, Mobama just can't keep that thing caged.


Meanwhile, in North Carolina, people are debating the latest possible Sasquatch sighting.

Coincidence?

ASHEVILLE, N.C. -- Vacationers were fleeing the Blue Ridge Mountains today after what some witnesses say was a rare sighting of two Sasquatches.

Details are fuzzy, but one camper snapped a photograph of what appears to be a couple, male and female, of beastly looking figures walking along a trail in the woods. The beings quickly ran away and haven't been seen since.

"I was terrified," said Jeremiah "Bunky" Chamberlain, who took the photograph that has now gone viral on the innerwebz. "I've never seen anything like it. I definitely hid my possessions. I've been told Sasquatches display terrible fits of spontaneous bowing when you cross their path, then require you to pay a tax, especially if you earn less than $250,000 a year. Who knows how much they would have fleeced my children's future had we stayed around?"
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Friday, April 23, 2010

17 Suspicious Similarities Between Obama Club Shanghai and the Regime


Next week entrepreneurs in China will launch a new gentlemen’s club, Obama Club Shanghai. Officials say pResident Barack Obama has no involvement in the club’s operations, but some uncanny similarities to the Obama Regime should give rise to healthy suspicion.

Sources indicate that:

George Soros is a major investor.

Andy Stern is retiring as president of SEIU so he can run the club’s VIP area, The Boardroom. Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein, meanwhile, will be a frequent visitor and has donated a million dollars for the club’s grand opening.

The Boardroom will feature a putting green. Obama's look alike will give special performances, hitting Titelist balls into the cup while a slide show of the world descending into chaos streams in HD on a 10-foot screen behind him as Nero's Fiddle by Clutch blares from the club's sound system.

Joe Biden has been hired as the club’s first featured entertainer. He’ll dress in drag and sing such classic hits as "This Is a Big F$^kin' Deal" and "He’s an Articulate and Bright and Clean and Nice-looking Guy."

Dancers will be required to wear sleeveless dresses and boob belts and have hips so large they can catch hula hoops. Oprah, who is retiring from television, will be the first featured dancer.

To enter the club, patrons will need to submit their income tax return. Middle class people will immediately get taxed a mandatory 40 percent tip. Businessmen will have to surrender their salary and bonus and the reigns to their company. Low-rent customers who declare themselves present and demonstrate community organizing experience will get a Nobel Peace prize based on their grossly exaggerated potential.

Bowing to the doorman exempts anyone from needing to prove their level of income.

The club will serve a nightly list of salt-free special entrees called Obama’s Picks, including dishes like Rahm's Finger Surprise and Michelle's Lead Salad and Barry's Bitter Pill Delight. Servers will dress up like Obama Regime czars. Every Friday will be date night; management will pick up the tab of anyone who orders from the Obama’s Picks menu.

Sundays will feature giveaway night. Patrons will receive free gas, mortgage payments, and healthcare for life.

Anyone who refuses to visit the club will be branded a racist, extremist TEA Party sympathizer, to be rounded up and sent to Gitmo and never heard from again.
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Friday, April 9, 2010

The Short List of Candidates to Replace Justice Stevens



Justice John Paul Stevens, the longest-serving member of SCOTUS, is retiring to the old-old folks home. It's probably about time he hangs up his robe anyway, if he can still remember where to find it. George Burns said sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope; I would imagine that interpreting the Constitution at age 90 is like trying to throw a baseball when you're the wrong president.

It's a tough age. My grandma's 90, and her biggest obsession is worrying about how much nothing works as well as it used to. (Hell, I'm in my 40s and I know that already.) Then again, my Dad's dad was still delivering the mail at 90 -- driving down the road at 15 mph and pissing off every person in upstate New York, all of them getting stuck behind his stationwagon, the line of cars sometimes seeming to back all the way up to the Tapanzee.

It's probably good timing for Justice Stevens to step down, anyway. It will give the ADHD-addled Liar in Chief something else to do, since he seems to hop from issue to issue to issue like a rabbit with a harem. It'll also give the talking heads something to talk about, who pResident Barack Obama will probably nominate. Allow me to jump the gun, and give you the likely short list of candidates.

1. Oprah. She doesn't have a law license, but in the Obama Regime, why let qualifications get in the way? The Puffer in Chief owes her. She coined the term "The One." She's probably half the reason he's in office right now, well maybe only 10 percent if you remember the MSM inserted their heads so firmly inside Obama's colon they extracted enough Obamalove to smear on the voters. Still, Oprah could be Zero's one. She's retiring from TV, needs something to do, and has a marker to call in. Besides, I hear Obama needs to find a place for her since her tryst with him and Mobama isn't working out.

2. Janet Napolitano may be among the list of candidates, but then again I hear Obama wants to nominate a woman.

3. Joe Biden. If Zero doesn't go the route of nominating a woman to the bench, where else could Joey Mumbles do more harm? Also, Joey's twice been under the knife for brain aneurysms, and the last time the doctor accidentally cut the nerve leading to Joey's manhood, effectively rendering him a woman. Furthermore, the Obama Regime won't be complete until a Supreme Court justice mentions the words "This is a big fuckin' deal" on camera. And finally, after Zero's healthcare "victory," Obama certainly has been throwing his weight around like someone who doesn't need an insurance policy.

4. Michelle Obama. Sources say RuPaul would top this list, because Obama really wants to appoint a transgender justice, but shehe doesn't have a law license. Then again, neither does Mobama since she "voluntarily" surrendered her law license in 1993. But she does have experience denying people healthcare, a big bonus since Obama may have to fight an eventual challenge to Obamacare in the Supreme Court. She may also fit the transgender prerequisite.

5. Barack Obama. Is it any surprise? Last time I looked, Barack Obama was an expert on everything. Already the CEO of GM, the nation's chief nuclear expert, our Physician in Chief, top insurance expert, head apologist, and top economist (no doubt I'm leaving out many of his other areas of expertise), the pResident has to occupy his time with something other than ... being president.

A PhotoChop by Jamie
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Saturday, March 6, 2010

Michelle Obama Needs More Boob Belt ... THE MOVIE


Back in December, when we were over at Word Press for a while, I came up with the expression "We need more boob belt!" in the parlance of Christopher Walken's great cowbell skit on Saturday Night Live, and Harold Stickeehands gave the world his famous artwork about Michelle Obama (reposted below).

Yesterday, Fistful of Donuts inspired me to spew this interesting little take on French First Lady Carla Bruni showing up in public without a bra.

Today, Michelle Obama's Mirror may have just topped us all with the debut of Boob Belt Fever: The Movie. (A little tip: Give it a few seconds to load.)



For what it's worth, I hate Blogger's awful fucking video player so I uploaded the vid to youtube ... and promptly lost the damned soundtrack. Here's a version I uploaded to Daily Motion (with all credit given to Michelle Obama's Mirror), but the video quality is, well, let's just say it sucks worse than listening to Zero read from TOTUS:


Stickeehand's original post:

After seeing the nausea inspiring dress Michelle Obama wore to the Nobel reception for her “baby’s daddy,” I am forced to admit something disturbing.


As the great Christopher Walkin would say, I got a fever and the only prescription is more boob belt!


H/T to the brilliant Snarky Basterd aka Dr.D. for giving birth to the Needs More Boob Belt meme with this comment “I can hear Christopher Walken now: We Need More Boob Belt!


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Thursday, November 12, 2009

Got Yo Money

The fun gang out on date night on your dime ...

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Friday, October 30, 2009

And the Country Lived Happily Ever After


Cop #1: Ok, buddy. We caught ya red handed.

Cop #2: Book 'em, Danno, for violating the Constitution, theft of private property, excessive taxation, ignorant foreign policy, lying to 62 million voters, and selling his country's soul without permission for his own glorification.

Obamacriminal: Gee. I hope they put me in the same cell as someone from ACORN. Joe! Hey, Joe! It's all yours, now!

Joe Biden (offstage): Hey, Mr. President ... um ... Barack? Can I keep the Nobel Prize? And can you take Mobama with you? I watched her walk Yogi Berra to the mound for the first pitch of the World Series the other night, and I swear her hips touched first and third simultaneously.

Via Clint Cox's Facebook page
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Thursday, October 15, 2009

“Why Do People Hate You?”

Guest post by Barack Hussein Obama, POTUS, LOTUS, and BOTUS*

Since Dr. Dave planted this kid today to ask me that question during a town hall meeting I spoke at in New Orleans, I had Anita Dunn commandeer this dumbass web site so I could post my official response. So I could be clear. Or clearer than I was when I told that kid in public:
I think that you've got to take it with a grain of salt. Some of it is just what's called politics where, you know, once one party wins, then the other party kind of gets -- feels like it needs to poke you a little bit to keep you on your toes. And so you shouldn't take it too seriously.
What I really wanted to say is, “Man, you better cut the shit or Imma gonna sic Aunt Esther on your hope-and-change ass.” But I didn’t. And just between you and me, smarming the kid, the little bastard, into believing whatever the hell I was saying was as easy as getting Joe Biden to play dead in the middle of the track during the Daytona 500. And I'm saving that trigger for when I really need it. Want to know the truth, Kid? You should take it seriously. Very seriously.

Clever of Dr. Dave, sending a black kid, too. You gotta watch that guy; he’s racist.

So I figured that since I have this space on the innerwebz for the foreseeable future, I might as well not only use it but also come clean.

Let me be clear:

People hate me because of the economy. I mean, c’mon. How stupid are you people? Yeah, the Dow is over 10,000, but unemployment is at 9.8 percent (or so we tell you…it’s really more like 16 or 17 percent if you factor in all the underemployed and self-employed and folks trying to live off the grid…so I don’t tax them more). You need me to read tea leaves for you, or something? The Messiah don’t play like that. So here’s the deal: Don’t be fooled by that little MSM bullshit that there ain’t no inflation. I’m only giving seniors $250 because, if I don’t, they’ll be at the gates of the White House with pitchforks and torches over what we’re going to do to their precious Medicare, when Obamacare becomes reality. Let me be clear: You’re about to get Obuggered, to use a popular term of Dr. Dave’s, in more ways than one -- specifically in food prices. And don’t put your eggs all in one basket. In fact, to reverse myself, I suggest you go to Vegas, and bet heavy…now.

People hate me because I lie. Joe Wilson was right. Alan Grayson not only looks like Shrek, he also is secretly planning to board the mothership with Tom Cruise. Believe what you want. There won’t be health care rationing. There won’t be any new taxes on people earning $250,000 or less. I will not sign a plan that adds one dime to our deficits. I think I’m pretty clear on this; Joe Wilson is fucking spot on.

People hate me because I’m a socialist. I like to spread the wealth. I’ve slept with Saul Alinsky, ACORN, and Bill Ayers more often than I have with Michelle. And you’ve got to know, if the NY Times is debating what the hell socialism is in 2009, the shit’s already hit the fan.

People hate me because I hate America. Hugo Chavez is my brother from another mother. I’ve asked Putin if he can teach me how to have such a great bare chest … in person, at a Motel 6 … in exchange for dropping missile defense in Eastern Europe, or any missile defense for that matter. And, as you know, I have a soft spot for anyone who enjoys American weakness at my expense.

People hate me because I’m an egotistical megalomaniac. Apparently there’s some new criteria for the Nobel Peace Prize, and I graciously accepted … because I knew three out of five Norwegians agreed they didn’t approve of me. I don’t have all of the facts, but I think Dave Checketts acted stupidly … oh … wait … that didn’t come out right. What I MEANT to say is that I love the National Football League even more than Rush Limbaugh does, and if he’s going to make fake racist statements, I might as well be the one to deliver national remarks about Hispanic Heritage Month in his place because a Monday Night Football game without me is like a noon broadcast at WABC-77 without Limbaugh. Who else is going to hold infomercials on national TV?

You know? I think I’m actually getting a thrill up my leg now. Where's that little kiss-ass Mathews when I need relief?

*LOTUS, Liar of the United States; BOTUS, Bugger of the United States

P.S. Not to belabor the point, but people hate me because I REALLY hate America. Via Soylent Green

P.P.S. People hate me because there's this lingering question about whether or not I'm Kenyan-born. Via IOTW

P.P.S. People hate me because I'm more popular than Santa Claus.
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Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Now ... That's More Like It

When I first saw the new Michelle Obama doll this morning, I was frankly disturbed by the depiction. Like the usual description of her fashion sense, it seemed absent of a few important details, such as reality, particularly in matters of waistline and belt placement.

Luckily, I found a more lifelike version over here this afternoon.

Now I can rest easier tonight, knowing that proportionality has been restored to the craft of making voodoo dolls.

Plus ... these dolls might actually be safer from my kids, since they cut all the heads off the paper dolls in this thing they received from some distant relative, who wasn't aware my kids have nicknamed the pResident Barack, the King of the Moonbats.



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Monday, October 12, 2009

Our Cheeky President


Thinks: "Hmm...nope. That's NOT bigger than Mobama's."
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Friday, October 2, 2009

Don't Let the Door Hit Your Ass on the Way Out


Japanese IOC official: "So sorry, Mr. President. Chicago izzz no go."

Barack Obama (breaking into plastic smile): "That's okay. Coming here kept me from doing any real work. That whole decision about whether to unleash a surge on Afghanistan or run away with our tail between our legs is going to take weeks, and I needed a long date night ... on my subjects' dime."

Mobama: "Speaking of tail, how do you like my new dress?"

Silence ensues ... but Obama's plastic smile never wavers.

UPDATE:
Sir Mix A Lot makes a visit down in comment number 15, for those interested in some '80s nostalgia. You know what I mean....
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Saturday, September 19, 2009

Bondage Belts and Other Mobama Horrors


Image via here

More incivility from Dr. Drama's man cave:

A new first lady fashion style was born yesterday, bondage belts (so named by Drudge). Can you imagine the thoughts running through Kathleen Sebelius's mind at that moment?

Did she just rub her nipples against me?

So this is what being in a nutcracker feels like.

I saw that skirt on a hooker once.

No, Mo...I'm not really into autoerotic asphyxiation.

Why do I feel something hard beneath your skirt?
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Monday, July 20, 2009

Coincidence? -- Vol 4 -- Mobacca's Chief of Staff


Susan Sher, First Wookie's new Chief of Staff



Livia Soprano, Cable TV Mob Dragon Lady

I really think not. (This time it's about the similarities between the Chicago Way and North Jersey, not looks, kiddies.)

h/t: Amusing Bunni
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