Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I AM THE GWWEAT BAAWWNEY FWWANK! And I WIWL Be CEO of Cowwpwwate Amewwica



(Baawwney, on his lunch bweak with Fannie and Fweddie)



I AM THE GWWEAT BAAWWNEY FWWANK! You will bow down befowwe me and wowwship at the altaww of my incwwwediblenesssss!



As an egg in my Mommy’s utewussss, I wanted to be a CEO. But then the embwwyo became impwwegnated by my no-good DaDa and spwwit. My genes began to wwepwwicate and mutate and fowm my pwedetewwmined wife handicap, the man I was meant to be, the biwwfth defect that gave me the tewible disease I wiv wiv day in and day and endeavoww to dewiva unto you: Congwwessional Megawwomania.



I AM THE GWWEAT BAAWWNEY FWWANK! You will bow down befowwe me and wowwship at the altaww of my incwwwediblenesssss!



And now, in this age of The Gwweat Govewwwnment under the pwwotection of The One, Twwue Messiah, I finawwwy have it, my dwweam, to be a CEO. With the Pay fow Pofowwmance Act of 2009, I heawwby declawwe that I, THE GWWEAT BAAWWNEY FWWANK!, will be CEO of cowwpwwate Amewwica. I will pwohibit unweasonable and excessive pay and compensation not based on pofowwmance standards, incwuding weguwar pay, bonuses, comp time, ovewtime, insuwance pwremiums, 401K matches, stock options (HA!…YOU CAN BET, you won’t be getting ANY!), bafwoom time, wunch time, and smoke bweak time for ALL EMPWOYEES of companies that accept govewnment money (then we’wl move on and nationawize those who don’t!).



Evwewone thinks it wiwl be that tax cheat, Timofy Geifner, in chawge of the bawance sheets, pushing the buttons of youwa daiwy cowwpwwate business, setting youwa pwoduct agenda, pumping up the troops, weeding out the deadweight, wowling back excessive sawawies, waying off dupwication, signing off on the puwchase of discount stapwles, and pwaying the back 9 duwing Vegas junkets just aftoh tanking up at the 19fth hole.



But. NO!



He’s just a figuwa head (weawwy, we now use a stunt double when he needs to be in pubwic, just so he doesn’t say anything mowa to tank the dowaw in the wowld mawket). I am his Shadow CEO. The WEAL FOWCE behind the cowwpwwate Amewwica of tomowwow!



I AM THE GWWEAT BAAWWNEY FWWANK! You will bow down befowwe me and wowwship at the altaww of my incwwwediblenesssss!



Oh… and I have this weawwy gwweat add on Cwaig’s List. Just search for “Fannie Mae and Fweddie Mac Awe Fine.” Cawl and weave a message, sweetie!







UPDATE I: Oh, man. I told you this idiot Geifner needed a double.

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The Top 10 WTF?! of March 2009

I'm cross-posting this stuff I've spewed over here at 1,461 Days - The Story of the Obama Administration, where I'm contributing some badly needed weekly radical conservative domestic terrorist biased snark. Stop by and give E P a few hits when you have some free time. (FOR THE FEDS: It was all HIS idea!)

The economy is in shambles, but the most happening city in the country is Washington, D.C., the center of the federal government and the “free” world, even though no resident has Congressional representation. WTF?!

With THAT, we give you the WTF?! ("Washington Total Fails"…and you thought it meant something else!) for the month of March, posted in linear order rather than lowest to highest ranking...well...because I don't do anything normal:

1. President Barack Hussein Obama firing the CEO of a private company. GM CEO Rick Wagoner was a grade A buffoon, an incompetent who sucked more money from your pockets than you’ll ever see in a million lifetimes, but it’s never been the federal government’s business to handle personnel decisions at non-government companies…until Wyatt Earp Obama rode into D.C. on his high horse. To top it off, Obama’s stated preference (as of 3/30/2009) for the future of GM (and Chrysler) is structured bankruptcy (the correct path for dying business models in the first place), this coming after they’ve chewed through a combined $17 billion in newly printed cash from the government mint...then asked for more. It took Obama way too long to figure out how to address the situation, to demand “deadlines” for the companies to write concrete plans for remaining viable -- and when he finally picked a direction, he didn’t even consult Congress about canning someone who doesn’t work for the government. Now, who’s selectively playing “I’m the decider” with little or no Constitutional authority? FAIL!

2. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi using federal property as her personal travel agency. Booking use of Department of Defense airplanes, personnel, time, and expenses… then making last-minute changes and cancellations. Demanding planes already booked for other uses, then expressing outrage when they weren’t available. Requesting an Army escort and three military planes to transport her and other members of Congress to Cleveland, Ohio, for the funeral of the late Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones, which she called "Operation Tribute" and an "exception to standard policy." All of which exhibit the actions of someone who really does think she’s a princess, with a carbon footprint that should be, in no way, as diminutive as those of her constituents. FAIL!

3. Obama vacillates between optimism and doom and gloom. After nearly two months of continuously talking down the economy, as Wall Street reacted by dumping stocks day after day, Obama suddenly discovers optimism. First he tells Americans to buy! buy! buy! when the market is at its lowest, exhibiting one of the new duties of the Oval Office, Economist in Chief. A week later, after the market rallied for a few days, he said: "I don't think things are ever as good as they say, or ever as bad as they say. Things two years ago were not as good as we thought because there were a lot of underlying weaknesses in the economy. They're not as bad as we think they are now." Then he fires GM’s Wagoner, and brings up the very real possibility of bankruptcy for the automakers, and the market plummets 250 points. The change we need? Please. When he’s done figuring out how to do his job, we won’t have any change left to pay for his $4 trillion budget next year. FAIL!

4. Timothy Geithner: for existing. Forget the tax-cheat business; that’s last month’s news. The dubious secretary of the Treasury Department has a big problem with his mouth. Asked about the People's Bank of China Governor Zhou Xiaochuan's call for a new international reserve currency, Geithner said, while he had not read Zhou's proposal, he understood it as a plan "designed to increase the use of the IMF's special drawing rights. And we're actually quite open to that." BAM! The dollar dropped worldwide. The next day he said the dollar would remain the world’s “dominant” currency. And this was AFTER Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn., patiently drove nails into his eyes over his fundamental lack of understanding of “the Constitution,” during a House Financial Services Committee hearing:

REP. BACHMANN: Reclaiming my time, Mr. Secretary. What provision in the Constitution could you point to to give authority for the actions that have been taken by the treasury since march of ‘08?

SECRETARY GEITHNER: Oh, well, the congress, legislative, in the emergency economic stabilization act, a range of very important new authorities.

REP. BACHMANN: Where in the constitution? What in the constitution could you point to to give authority to the Treasury for the extraordinary actions that have been taken?

SECRETARY GEITHNER: Every action that the Treasury, Fed and FDIC has been using authority granted by this body by the congress.

REP. BACHMANN: And in the constitution, what could you point to?

SECRETARY GEITHNER: The laws of the land, of course.

HUH???? FAIL!

5. Sen. Christopher Dodd, the Obama Administration, and the AIG bonuses. First Dodd, D-Mass, said -- on camera -- that he didn’t know about the loophole in Porkulus that allowed AIG execs to keep their contracted bonuses, even though AIG had taken a $170 billion bailout from the federal government. Then he said he did know about it, again on camera, but only after he reviewed the facts to discover that the Treasury Department had asked him to rewrite an amendment that let AIG keep the bonuses, if the Obama Administration could take them back. Dodd fails for “misremembering” and then “remembering” to blame the Obama Administration. But, then again, with all of the billions of pork packed into that bill, no member of Congress reading it, and Obama breaking his campaign promise for not allowing ample public viewing of the legislation on the Internet, all of Washington FAILS! on this one.

6. Obama undoes then redoes the ban on funding for stem cell research. In a story that could only come out of Washington, Obama made a great public display of his ethical and scientific obligations for rescinding former President George W. Bush’s 2001 ban on federal funding for stem cell research. Then two days later, while signing the $410 billion omnibus bill (with 9,000 earmarks Obama promised during the campaign to never allow), the president knowingly (supposedly) approved the Dickey-Wicker amendment, an inclusion in the annual appropriations bill for the Department of Health and Human Services every fiscal year since 1996 that bans federal funding for stem cell research. Obama later said he’d leave it to Congress to come up with the law of the land on the matter. Political high drama with zero results at its best…and this is “change” how? FAIL!

7. The Obama administration starts using nondescript language for “terrorism” (in quotes, because it’s no longer “used”…meaning ALLOWED…in Washington). We no longer say “global war on terror,” because our…ahem…friends overseas don’t like it. We now say “overseas contingency plan.” [The chirping of crickets will now begin.] We also no longer say “terrorism.” The unofficial (as in, there’s no official directive on paper, sayeth Secretary of State Hillary Clinton) terminology is now “man-caused disaster.” [Were he here, Homer Simpson would think of saying “DOH!” but even he would be speechless over that one.] FAIL!

8. The beginning of the end for The Pony Express. Your stamp price goes up every two seconds (it seems like it, at least), but Postmaster General John Potter said the Post Office, which does not receive appropriations from Congress, lost $2.8 billion last year. It will lose another $6 billion next year. By contrast, Potter says cutting mail service on Saturdays would save $3.5 billion a year; changes in how the post office pre-pays for retiree health care would cut annual costs by another $2 billion. It can’t be all bad. If the Post Office did receive government funding, like AIG, GM, and Chrysler, the Obama administration would probably be taking back bonuses, firing Potter, and threatening a takeover in 30 - 60 days. FAIL!

9. Obama’s Special Olympics comment on Leno. He told Leno during The Tonight Show that he had bowled a 129, probably qualifying for the Special Olympics (this is paraphrasing, because Obama’s actual statement was more or less “I swear it was like Special Olympics or something” but that doesn’t sound too presidential…presumably because his teleprompter was back in the White House basement). The next day Michigan's Kolan McConiughey, the top bowler for the Special Olympics, fired back: "He bowled a 129. I bowl a 300. I could beat that score easily." Superlatives for McConiughey (and we’d like to see that match, btw). FAIL! for the president.

10. Obama obsesses over a question about whether he’s a socialist: During a flight from Ohio to Washington, New York Times reporter Peter Baker asked the president whether his domestic policies suggested that he was a socialist. “The answer would be no,” Obama said, laughing. But then, back in Washington, Obama called the reporter: “It was hard for me to believe that you were entirely serious about that socialist question,” Mr. Obama said from the Oval Office. [With many "ahhs" and "umms" removed from this printed version, of course.] With an economy in shambles, a major shift in policy and government control in nearly every aspect of public and private society underway, and two ongoing wars, since when does the president of the United States of America even have enough time to call a reporter back to debate the seriousness of a question? FAIL!


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Monday, March 30, 2009

Robert Gibbs Moment o' the Day: Government Motors

A series on the daily press briefings of b. Hussein's rumbling, bumbling, fumbling, stumbling Press Secretary Robert "Ahhhhh" Gibbs....

Blah...blah...blah...deadline....blah...blah...blah...we want to be in the car business...blah...blah...blah...government takeover...blah..blah...blah...I don't think I said "ahh" nearly enough during this press briefing today.



UPDATE: For an enhanced view on this subject, check out Exurban League's President Goodwrench:


UPDATE II: And for a more sobering view on the subject, "starting today, the United States government will stand behind your warrantee."

UPDATE III: Which begs the question...who thinks he's the friggin' "decider" now?
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Yahoo's Beatific Image of the Deity b. Hussein


The Deity, as glorified this a.m. by yahoo.com. Isn't he just grand? Makes you want to drop down on your knees, face Mecca, and praise his Supreme name!

Or empty a slop bucket on his head. Tough call. Worship... Denigrate... Worship... Denigrate.

Who am I kidding? b. Hussein, I fart in your general direction. Go away...or I will taunt you a second time!

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Sunday, March 29, 2009

Grumbles the Bear Flees My Cuckoo’s Nest


Grumbles the Polar Bear knocked on the door last night (I’d told him to avoid ringing the bell, after that nastiness in February when the Secret Service visited).

He’d suffered a particularly harsh winter at the North Pole, with no electricity and little to eat (except Bias Jones) and that brief, disruptive vacation in D.C. when the loony climate-change protesters decried the end of civilization while a foot of snow fell on their heads…and he’d felt compelled to eat as many of their unwashed sycophant hides as possible.

It was the damnedest winter in the “global warming” era Grumbles had ever seen, cold enough even to freeze the nuts off a bear with body fat 11-cm thick -- the equivalent of a memory foam pillow or Jennifer Lopez's thighs.


He needed warmth, hospitality, and a kind, conservative family to give him shelter and comfort as he prepared for the shortest summer he expected to know (what with the polar cap not shrinking, the oceans not rising, and the end of the world not kicking in until Congress passes b. Hussein’s $4 trillion budget request for 2010).

Yes, we’d promised Bear he’d find sunshine and balmy temperatures and an hour of electricity to celebrate Earth Hour (while the milquetoast fools around the planet were turning OFF their lights to “conserve”), followed by a tasty dinner of liberals, if he hid well enough among the flowering fruit trees outside any of the bars in Midtown Atlanta.

But the plan worked only so far as Grumbles’ knock on the door.

When he knocked, Girl (my 5-year-old) was already in full regression to toddler mode, legs and arms and tears and hair flailing all over the floor in her room like a robotic breakdancer on crystal meth, in response to her mother telling her to wash up before dinner.

That is to say, no one heard him. Not even Dog.

This is, of course, atypical in our household. If you ring the door bell, an onslaught of 4-foot and under living masses of chaos (two children…and one dog) speeds to the door faster than a BMW takes to a straightaway on the autobahn. It’s a dangerous occasion known to send even the most well-meaning visitor screaming down our driveway as if they were fleeing a swarm of killer bees.

On this evening, the volume of Girl’s protest, however, would have drowned out the knocking of even the most determined Jehovah’s Witness, so much so that Grumbles stood out on the porch for a full 15 minutes in a squall of rain so thick you could probably stick a bowl out and grab lunch (if you like pine-tree pollen counts over 6,000 ppm in your soup).

Dog was the first to notice something amiss, even though Girl still screamed as loudly as I once was able to blare Anthrax and Metallica on the stereo, B.C. (before children). I found Dog sniffing at the front door, tail wagging, ears up. Obviously someone was outside. I flung open the door.

Me: “Grumbles. You made it!”

Bear: “About a half-hour ago. You don’t open your door when someone knocks?” He looked pissed. Pissed enough to eat me.

Me: “Sorry. Couldn’t hear well. It’s the witching hour. With the young one. It lasts forever. I think she’ll be okay, when she’s 36 and we can marry her off.”

Lightning flickered and illuminated Bear. He’d been standing on the porch so long in the rain his hair was matted, as if he’d been rolling in a puddle like some redneck bear. He looked like a railroad bum in a disco, except he wasn’t doing The Hustle. His demeanor, all pent up, hair raised, teeth barred, claws unhooked, looked more like The Fuck You. I invited him inside. But plans changed immediately. My wife, “Lucy” (real name withheld to protect the innocent), shrieked. “NOOOOO! No wet animals in my house!”

At this, Dog slunk away to hide in the basement, apparently afraid Lucy was yelling at her.

So much for southern hospitality. (We are, after all, from Pittsburgh, via Florida, New York, Virginia, and Germany, or at least some of us are. The children? Well…I’m not sure they’re of this world.)

What the hell can you expect these days? Wet bears just aren’t allowed in the front door. Yet, I couldn’t leave him out in the rain. So, I invited Grumbles to run around to the back patio and have a seat under the $129 covered aluminum gazebo from Home Depot.

It was a little wet out there, the rain pudding against our feet as it ran down the patio. But Bear seemed okay with it, so I was too.

Me: “I really must apologize for the rain. Sometimes I think I live in Seattle without all the liberals.”

Bear: “Well, I’m friggin’ hungry, so maybe I should have skipped the damned travel expense and just walked to Seattle.”

He was obviously NOT pleased. I decided to change the subject.

Me: “How was your trip? I trust the airline treated you well?”

Bear: “Yeah. Just peachy. They stuck me in a cage and made me ride cargo class. Didn’t even give me a refund. And I PAID for first class.”

Me: “Wow, man. That sucks. Care for some berries?” Hoping to buy time for him to settle down, I passed a bowl of blueberries from the store.

Just then, the back door flew open. Girl and Boy and Dog burst out as if someone just rang the doorbell. I could see “Lucy” in the background, scowling, and the door slamming shut, as if she were washing her hands of us.

The children and Dog surrounded Bear, hopping up and down, doing the “Someone’s here! Someone’s here!” dance.

Bear: “Dude, if you don’t get these buggers off me, I swear I’ll eat them.”

Me: “Hey, man. No one wants you to eat them more than me, but…consider the insurance liability, plus the pols in this state may soon be able to give criminals life with no parole even when they don’t ask for the death penalty.”

Bear, lightened up…somewhat: “I’m sorry, man. I’ve had a long, hard journey. Do you have any liberal juice to calm me down?”

Me: “You know, Bear. I thought about that, but I figured you might want to wait until you get to Midtown. Around here, it’s pretty much Red State country.”

Then Earth Hour went to hell.

Bear: “Is that a bug zapper you have going there, crackling in the rain?”

Me: “Yeah, man. I’ve turned on everything I can think of to waste energy for an hour.”

As we’d talked, Boy had managed to climb onto Bear’s lap. When Bear discovered this, he shot me a look like I was his dinner. Then Girl was there, too. And Dog was sitting at Bear’s feet. I had a sudden fear that Bear would lean over and bite into one, if not all three.

That might have really happened with someone else’s children.

With mine? A tense moment always becomes…utter insanity.

Boy: “My daddy’s nuts.”

Girl: “Yeah. Nuts!”

Dog: “Boof!”

Boy: “He hurt his finger real bad this winter. He tried to swat my head, and I ducked. He jammed his middle finger into a big piece of furniture. He couldn’t bend it for weeks!”

Girl: “Yeah! It still hurts.”

Boy: “It’s still funny, too.” Boy snickers.

Boy: “He just got a new gun. And a safe. He doesn’t know the combination.”

Girl: “Yeah. He called a locksmith. Some guy from Pal…es…Pal…es….from the Middle East.”

Boy: “Yeah. The guy wanted to pry it open, to ‘damage’ it.”

Girl: “Daddy told him: ‘GO TO HELL.’”

Boy: “Yeah, it was funny.”

Dog: “Boof!”

Bear looked at me and smiled: “Your Daddy’s been known to be unreasonable now and then.”

Boy: “Let’s play baseball.”

Girl: “No babies!”

Boy: “BASEBALL!”

Girl started to whine, in that fake, b-movie, I want to get my way kind of whine that makes my skin crawl. She even started producing real tears in the corners of her eyes, just for effect. (We suspect she’s either going to be an actor, a lawyer, or a politician…perhaps all three.) The whining got louder and louder, until I could no longer hear the rain crackling in the bug zapper. Most daddies, I’m told, hear this sound from their little girl and cave in, just to make it go away. This daddy tends to ask Girl if she’d like something to really cry about.

But not this time.

Because Bear was already standing, brushing the children from his lap as if they were lint and turning toward the fence gate and bolting away on all fours like he was late for some great race he never told us about.

We stood at the gate, in the rain, watching him disappear among the tall Georgia pines, Girl and now Boy crying for real and Dog “boofing!” and me simply shaking my head, smiling (the vacant way R.P. McMurphy smiled after his lobotomy), praying for lightning to strike and remove me from my cuckoo’s nest.

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Saturday, March 28, 2009

An Obama Shovels Crap...so What?



The press has made an outlandish deal about Michelle "Guns" Hussein's agenda:
Even Politico is in on the love fest.

La de friggin' da. Supposedly she has the most unorthodox First Lady agenda since...since...well...since she became Second to The One.

She even helped break ground on the BIG TIME NEVER BEFORE SEEN! organic garden on the South Lawn of the White House. (The ChangeChangeChange! in the White House kitchen is even subject to none other than...an entire blog.)

Hmm...does that mean she can shovel shit just as well as her husband?
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Friday, March 27, 2009

YES...Arlen Sphincter's a RINO

Oh, my...what The Nose On Your Face comes up with.

Arlen's going down in 2010, hopefully in the primary, and hopefully to Pat Toomey, but...this "outing" (well, there really wasn't a need for it, since we all KNOW he's a Democrat...but still) is just...so...friggin'...priceless:

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We The Stimulus Package

Revolutionary Thomas Paine returns to scold us for doing absolutely friggin' nothing about b. Hussein, Congress, and generally shitty politicians who steal our money and payoff their friends.

And he's RIGHT!

But he ALSO lays down a challenge....

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The Obama Song

Nutty Steven Crowder summarizes b. Hussein's first two months to the music of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire"...


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Thursday, March 26, 2009

Ahhhhh...Ahhhhh...Robert Gibbs Moment o' the Day

A new series on the daily press briefings of b. Hussein's rumbling, bumbling, fumbling, stumbling Press Secretary Robert "Ahhhhh" Gibbs....

Is this guy for real? Or did he toke up before this press conference about the issue of legalizing marijuana?

I'm thinking he's talking about b. Hussein asking people to email him about whether or not he should legalize smoke, but, with Gibbs, it's always difficult to tell what the hell's going on....

And just where the hell are Cheech and Chong in these difficult times of humorless reality TV/Internet, anyway?

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Regulations Concerning b. Hussein’s Teleprompter - Tenet #3


An installment in a recurring series governing TOTUS, the president's teleprompter....

TOTUS, I’m beginning to detect a serious stream of Obama-speak spewing from the White House and b. Hussein’s cabinet members.

We’ve put great trust in your ability to lead, as not only the president’s linguist but also his intelligence. You have great responsibility to ensure the words he speaks actually say something.

Tenet #3 governing your actions, therefore, is decreed as follows:
Avoid providing b. Hussein with colloquial clich├ęs devoid of meaning, aimed at rewriting contemporary history, devaluing the very real potential of external (and internal) threats, and generally further lulling the Messiah’s followers into submission.

Forget using “overseas contingency operation” when you really want the president to say “war.”

Dump “man-caused disaster” when the president should be saying “terrorism.”
You will want to share this decree with the others in the Teleprompter Service, so the correct terminology reaches all levels of the federal government and we can avoid the spread of Obama incompetence disease.
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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Postal Chief Says Post Office Awash in Cash


WASHINGTON, D.C. - The post office has so much extra cash, it wants to give it to b. Hussein, so he can spend it on more social programs, Postmaster General John Potter told Congress on Wednesday.

"We are swimming in money at historic proportions. We weren’t paying much attention to our receipts, and voila! found an accounting error that, when corrected, added an extra $2.8 billion to our coffers last year. We were thinking it might be useful to the president, or Speaker Pelosi, since we know they had to pull funding for birth control from Porkulus," Potter told a House panel.

The timing couldn’t be better, following b. Hussein’s nationally televised (and painfully boring) press conference last night, in which he used the word “investment” a stunning 4,782 times.

“We’re absolutely giddy,” the president said, through his interpreter, TOTUS. “A windfall of $2.8 billion in this economy that we’ve made worse each and every day -- coming to us when we least expected it -- is nothing short of miraculous. And you KNOW we like to spend! I think we’ll use it as collateral to borrow more from the Chinese to expand the 2010 budget plan another $2 trillion!”

Potter told Congress it was, indeed, a miracle and attributed it directly to the election of President b. Hussein Messiah last fall.

Potter first raised the possibility of a huge windfall of found cash in January, when b. Hussein was still trying to find someone without a tax problem to nominate to his cabinet, but the idea had not been warmly received in Congress (members, instead, privately wanted Potter to invest the money in AIG stock on their behalf).

Now, with the stock market having crashed following b. Hussein’s inauguration, and the Treasury Department printing more worthless money than every buxom Vegas Madame can stuff in their braziers in a lifetime, Congress is singing a different tune.

"With the Postal Service awash in cash, the subcommittee will consider a number of options to siphon the excess into more government programs. I mean, why cut Postal Service costs, or, dare I say, give it to patrons as some kind of tax break? Those fools! They should have used email or social media to communicate instead!" said subcommittee chairman Stephen F. Lynch, Dumbass from Mass.

The agency does not receive a taxpayer subsidy for its operations, although Congress does subsidize overseas voting and free mail for the blind. Anything extra in the agency’s accounts, however, is subject to re-appropriation to anything our elected officials see fit, as they’ve done with Social Security taxes, payroll taxes, real estate taxes, sales taxes, and, soon-to-be, flushing taxes and light-turning-on taxes.
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Best Political Smackdown - Take 2

Michelle Bachmann, Republican congresswoman from Minnesota, grills tax-cheat Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner yesterday over the constitutionality of his (and b. Hussein's) economic polices:
Question: "Secretary Geithner, which clause of the constitution authorizes your actions?"

Answer: "Blah blah blah blah blah blah."


Although completely different in tone, Bachmann's patient insertion of nails into Geithner's eyes is equally as incredible as this smackdown yesterday of British buffoon Gordon "Cyclops" Brown.
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Regulations Concerning b. Hussein's Teleprompter -- Tenet #2

An installment in a recurring series governing TOTUS, the president's teleprompter....

Pay the Messiah compliments.

His live love-ins with America are really getting boring, TOTUS. Last night's reality TV was so mundane I could almost hear the paint peeling on the walls behind him.

You simply must liven things up for b. Hussein a bit. Intermittently flash little messages on your screen, such as:
You sound great tonight, sir, even when you're not reading from my screen.
Here's another:
I heard only two "ahs" in that last response, sir. Your speech therapy is really paying off!
It's particularly important to stoke his ego, now that the luster is wearing off for the American people.
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Best Political Smackdown - Take 1

Gordon Brown, "you are pathologically unable to accept responsibility" for spending your country into oblivion...

What a savage denouncement of the British prime minister...that sounds a lot like what we've already been saying about b. Hussein and his economic policies:

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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

“Overseas Contingency Operation?” b. Hussein Could Have Done Better


Why stop at something so pedestrian as “Overseas Contingency Operation” in lieu of the term “Global War on Terror”?

b. Hussein and his pals could have been much, MUCH more creative, and, in particular, reflective of themselves and their beliefs. I mean, let’s face it: As an acronym, OCO doesn’t have quite the rhythm of GWOT, although the Bush administration apparently also considered dumping their term in favor of GSAVE, or Global Struggle Against Violent Extremism. But W stuck with the term and, unfortunately, left the dirty task of renaming 8 years of familiar rhetoric to the ChangeChangeChange! mojo of the b. Hussein administration. And thus GWOT, and any similarity to the refreshing term “G-spot,” is forever gone.

[Editor’s note: I have it on good authority that b. Hussein’s teleprompter refused to participate in the decision to go with OCO, thus solidifying his banishment to the White House basement during b. Hussein’s “Get Yo Ass Behind My $4 Trillion Budget” West Coast tour last week, which completely explains the “Special Olympics” and “are you punch drunk” incidents, further illuminating why we should observe complete forgiveness of his highness, our worshipful president, for he knows not what the hell he is doing.]

It’s disconcerting they didn’t give it a better shot, though. Honestly, OCO sounds like something borne of a professional society committee of doctors, like those responsible for the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual and such hip terms as OCD, ODD, and, my favorite…oh…hey…look over there…it’s a flag, flying upside down on my porch!...is that UPS delivering more 7.62 ammunition?!!??!!...umm…where was I?...oh yeah!…ADHD.

I know it’s a sticky issue for b. Hussein and all, what with him having sent letters to Hamas and videos to Iran, expressing allegiance and hoping to hypnotize them both with hope and change…alas, to no avail.

I suppose the new acronym could, perhaps, lull “overseas contingent” forces into submission over boredom. I mean, just what the hell does “Overseas Contingency Operation” mean, anyway? Is our presence among major sources of terrorism and terrorist training “contingent” upon b. Hussein playing dead in front of his Islamic friends?

[Dear Secret Service…'cause I know you watch: IN NO WAY can the previous statement be construed as a threat to anyone’s well-being. That would be COMPLETELY wrong and unjust.]

Do we no longer consider the maiming and killing of our American soldiers, sailors, marines, and airmen (and women) “war”? I guess it’s now an “operation,” as in the board game. (Or maybe b. Hussein and “Guns” Hussein, aka “Michelle,” had a particularly fun night in the White House and decided to rename the war effort after their kinky affairs. How SICK of them!)

All I know is, when I served for President Reagan, and then President George Bush I, facts were facts. The Soviet/Communist was the enemy, and the Islamo-Fascist was his cousin.

But…it’s a new day, and a new outlook, and I should rightfully show solidarity with b. Hussein and his tax cheats. As a result, I’ve decided to give them all a few alternative ideas for renaming the “Global War on Terror,” may the name rest in peace. I offer free non-exclusive rights to any of these fitting name choices to the good Ole U.S.A. I consider it my duty to Uncle Sam and his steward, b. Hussein (although I already gave 4 years of blood, sweat, and more blood, when most of b. Hussein’s administration was sucking on their mom’s teat, and accepting a free ride through college, graduate school, and law school):

  • BARACK: Be A Revolutionary And Communism Kompletes
  • ISLAMROCKS: I Salute Losers who Absolve Muhammad of Ridiculously Outrageous Crimes that Kill Society
  • HUSSEIN: Hurry Up and Sell out the States, Even Indiana
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Regulations Concerning b. Hussein’s Teleprompter – Tenet #1


The president’s teleprompter is alive. It has a blog, two Facebook pages (here's one), a Twitter account, and countless friends and followers. His carbon footprint alone obviously qualifies teleprompter (TOTUS) as a citizen/comrade of this fine nation. Therefore, it is necessary to regulate the hell out of him.

I hereby declare the establishment of a series of laws, to be unveiled here in occasional installments, governing TOTUS’ every thought, action, pleasure, and usage. These rules will govern what TOTUS can and cannot do at all hours of the day or night. These rules will govern when the president should assign blame to TOTUS for not being insistent enough to come along on “campaign stops” that sell whatever baffling legislation is pending. And, following POTUS’ lead, these rules will govern whatever general estrangement, disenfranchisement, and amusement I damn well see fit.

Yes, even b. Hussein’s teleprompter should share in the joy of this presidency’s unfolding experiment in socialism. On that note, I give you Tenet#1:
TOTUS should ALWAYS be within arm’s reach of POTUS, particularly when he’s cackling on national TV like a friggin’ loon about causing millions of people to lose their retirement, prompting such appropriate questions as "are you punch drunk?" This way POTUS can always blame TOTUS for displaying a joke that is completely incongruous with the situation.
Oh…and in the effort for objectivity, I think it’s only fair to point out that TOTUS has a list of rules (demands, really) of his own. We'll pick that subject up in more detail another time.
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Sunday, March 22, 2009

b. Hussein Filming Cameo for 24

Apparently, b. Hussein doesn't have enough to do, what with the economy in shambles, a banking system on the verge of collapse, and a socialist agenda the likes Americans have never before seen -- unless they emigrated from Russia, Cuba, South America, Korea, China, or Vietnam.

Fresh off his "successful," appearance with Jay Leno, in which he compared his bowling skills to the Special Olympics...



...now he's going to make a cameo on 24, reading the eulogy at the memorial service for Bill Buchanan.

Let's hope he brings his teleprompter. We really wouldn't want him making bad jokes about dead people.
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Thursday, March 19, 2009

b. Hussein...Perhaps Your Head's Too Big for Your Shoulders?

I'm tempted to think of a door hitting b. Hussein in the ass, but, in this case, it's more like him hitting the bulkhead in a submarine. (Would it actually knock some sense into him?)

Or maybe he's still just too giddy over having his Rolls Royce helicopter.

No doubt it has something to do with his Super Arrogance.... Is your head too big for your shoulders, sir?


h/t: The lovely Moxie
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Barack Obama's Teleprompter's Blog


This blog is a friggin' RIOT!

From the first post:
Well, last night didn't go well. What can I say? I was tired. By the time Barack and the Irish PM stood up, the President and I had already done two major policy speeches, three nomination announcements, and light dinner banter for a table of twelve. And by the way, that "ad lib" last night about Guinness? Mine.

So why am I going public now, when for the past two years I've let others do the talking? Well, this is a thankless job, and I sure don't want to take the fall for communications missteps. But more important, I expect you'll be seeing a lot more of me over the next few months and years. Barack and I don't go anywhere without each other; we even complete each other's sentences ... well, more mine than his, but let's not split hairs.

I sense new text being loaded now, so I'll have to be going.
Great friggin' stuff!
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Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Obama's GoFrigyourself Could Have Stopped AIG Bonuses

Well...it's just a matter of semantics. The dude had a provision in the stimulus, but the b. Hussein administration said, "make it better," and...poof...AIG bigwigs get to keep their bonuses.

This, according to Senate Banking Committee chair Christopher Dodd, the DEMOCRAT, senator from Connecticut. It's as "simple" as this:



To make sense of that garbled nonsense, allow me to explain: b. Hussein and Tim Geithner, tax-cheat secretary of the treasury, had Dodd rewrite his amendment to Porkulus...allowing AIG execs to keep their friggin' bonuses.

ButAsForMe puts it succinctly, along with coming repercussions, here.

And we have the Democrats crying most foul, exploring ways to recoup the $165 million in bonuses, via a special tax.

This is all so Clintonesque, so doublespeak, so lawyerly-like.

The question is: Will the American people get as outraged at their government for allowing this to happen as they are right now at AIG for accepting what the government clearly said they could do?

Aside from conservatives and libertarians who "get it":

Is that the sound of crickets I hear?
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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Mexico Sanctions U.S. Exports; b. Hussein Runs up White Flag, Gives Back Southwest


Mexico got tough with the U.S. today, raising tariffs on $2.4 billion in U.S. exports to retaliate for the ending of a pilot program that allowed illegal Mexican day laborers to wait on U.S. curbs for work.

President b. Hussein, in his first big trade policy test, immediately wimped out, issuing an executive order that gives a tax break to any American employer who pulls their pickup into the parking lot of a Mexican grocery and flashes five fingers on one hand, then all 10 fingers twice. (Translation: “Five laborers needed, at $20 an hour.”) Tax breaks will be calculated by GPS through chips implanted in the dashboards of all employers of Mexican day laborers and distributed electronically through The National Bank of Obama. The funds will come from taxes levied on AIG executive bonuses.

Then he went a step further. In a completely unexpected wrinkle, the president gave a speech in the Rose Garden…without his Golden Teleprompter.

“We’re…umm…going to throw…ah…open…umm…the border along…umm…Arizona and…ah… New Mexico,” the president said, painfully (for listeners), before aides quickly came to his rescue with his magic teleprompter. “In fact,” he said, visibly relieved as he flawlessly read the words on the screen, “the time has come for the Mexican people to have hope and change, too. I have no desire to start a border dispute with our long-standing and valuable friends. As a result, I hereby declare the 56th and 57th American states, Arizona and New Mexico, are now under the sovereign governance of the federation of Mexico.”

Rush Limbaugh, the leader of the Republican Party, dropped dead on the set of his radio program in New York when informed of the news. Paramedics later revived him, upon which Limbaugh issued a statement, declaring: “I hope he fails.”

TV pundit (ahem...so-called) Bill Maher immediately denounced Limbaugh, calling him a racist: “I don’t care if he is risen from the dead. The only racism in America is coming from Rush Limbaugh. Now Oklahomans are going to be out of ammo for even longer because they’re afraid that Obama is going to let the wetbacks come up through Texas and get them, just so he doesn’t have to waste his Negro army.”

The day’s events were stunning, considering Mexico had threatened to increase tariffs on 90 industrial and agricultural goods, including running water and toilet paper, after Congress last week killed the pilot program allowing an unlimited number of Mexicans to loiter around the parking lots of shopping malls, Mexican groceries, and federal buildings, in the hopes of catching work for the day. Mexico obtained a judicial ruling in 2001 under the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) allowing it to impose such sanctions, but has held off since the US introduced the guest worker program.

The sanctions, which Mexican officials said were to be imposed later this week, would have been one of the largest acts of retaliation against U.S. exports. U.S. exports to Mexico totaled $151.5 billion last year.

Mexican exports to the U.S. last year, by contrast, totaled $6 trillion in illegal drugs, $400 billion from prostitution, 62 and a half border murders (one dead dude was a half-Mexican midget), and 25 million illegal aliens.
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Monday, March 16, 2009

Your Federal Government Wants You...to GIVE!

NY Congresswoman Carolyn McCarthy shows off the standard issue weapon for members of America’s National Civilian Community Corps, also known as the Obama Youth.

January 2, 2014, in a Party school -- mandatory conscription into the National Civilian Community Corps (NCCP) as accorded by law, the Generations Invigorating Volunteerism and Education (GIVE) Act of 2009:

YOU!!!! No, don’t turn around and look behind you and pretend like I’m not talking. There’s no Wii to distract your attention, here. No books (except those issued). No whiney little girlfriends (except those ex-Catholic girls we will provide you with upon graduation).

Only me. Eyes front! Yes…perfect. You’re just what I had in mind. Young, impressionable, confused about the world and your place in it, ready to break away from all those silly things about religion and morals and values your seditious parents taught you. RIPE for education. Oh, yes! You’ll do just fine.

Don’t question….don’t question. There’s no time. We need you. We need you very, very badly. You’re the future! Just come along and get in line here with the other boys and girls. That’s right. It’s safe. I’m Congresswoman Carolyn McCarthy from New York.

I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.

Just fall in line there, behind the others. No…no…no! Not THAT line. That’s for the older people. You don’t want to get in THAT line, comrade. HAHAHAHA! No! No! No! Let the retired Baby Boomer line go on its creaky little way. There’s a bit of an unpleasant end you don’t want to see. You come over here and get in this more moldable line. There’s a future for you, now! Here…I’ll give you just a little push!…and, there we are…right over to where they’re handing out the brown shirts.

Excellent!

Now. Listen up. Listen up! You’re all here for some volunteerism. Three years, as a matter of fact. In the service of His Majesty’s Federal Government. Now, now. I don’t want to hear anything about “you didn’t volunteer” this, “you’re being forced” to do that. Hell, your parents certainly have raised a bunch of pansies, haven’t they? Of course you volunteered! You’re here, no? You’re in line, no? When you were told to be here, on pain of incarceration in a cell with a lifelong Republican injected with AIDS, yes, but...here …nonetheless!

And, you’re getting the standard issue! You ARE volunteers! A splendid, American thing to do. Why, you’re heroes…like the brave men who went off to fight some war some such generations ago that I can’t quite remember because, well, before we took charge, history didn’t exist (and we just don’t acknowledge wars started by Republicans when our brothers of Islam are in harm’s way)….

Now.

You’ve volunteered to learn about conservation, about alternative energies, about living without electricity and motor vehicles and toilet paper and safe food so that we can protect Mother Earth and stop filling her air and ground with noxious poisons. You’ve volunteered to destroy every radio you see, so that obnoxious filth coming from the minds of evil dissenters like Rush Limbaugh, exiled in, of all friggin’ places, Canada, doesn’t GET THROUGH to anyone.

You’ve volunteered to learn about stopping evil corporations from spewing their filthy waste into OUR beautiful streams and frozen tundras, so that they cease to produce marketable goods that propel the national economy upward and provide opportunities for everyone of every background and color and creed to succeed because, well, we wouldn’t want anyone getting by if the government didn’t say they could. You’ve volunteered to pay homage to the Supreme Beatific Religion, GLOBAL WARMING, even as we freeze our asses off for another winter! Now…repeat after me. Al Gore is God. A little louder now. AL…GORE…IS…GOD! That’s more like it!

You’ve volunteered to learn about how badly evil banks and corporations have raped this nation of our wealth, spending foolishly and lavishly on executive bonuses and corporate junkets to SIN CITY (while the federal government mandated they make too many risky loans to people they knew were never going to pay)! You’ve volunteered to help uplift the downtrodden poor, underprivileged children, women, and men (if they’re not in prison because Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton told them they’d never be as good as the white man and made them sell drugs, steal, rape, plunder, and be generally rotten…just to remain their enablers).

You’ve volunteered to learn how you, too, can become a Congresswoman or Congressman or Senator or, maybe, even president of the United States, so that you can manipulate the press and public opinion and, ultimately, everyone’s friggin’ sanity so that you, too, can do just about whatever the hell you please. And when you’ve got that power, my young, impressionable, my MOLDABLE, minds, if you’ve got the right teaching, the CORRECT teachings, I should say (wouldn’t want to confuse anyone into thinking I said go “right” when I meant “left”)…when you’ve the CORRECT teachings as your foundation…you too can rule the world. Like we are, and shall continue to do.

Now…repeat after me:

“I will leverage Federal investments to increase State, local, business, and philanthropic resources to address national and local challenges.” (You little bastards don’t even know I’m telling you to disregard the principles of decentralization of power in favor of STRONG central government, do you!)

And…repeat after me:

“I will encourage national service efforts to address pressing national challenges, such as improving education for low-income students, increasing energy conservation, and improving the health, well-being, and economic opportunities of the neediest individuals in the Nation”…at the ever-friggin’ expense of the those losers who work and create wealth and generally represent the backbone of this country.

And…repeat after me:

“I will expand and strengthen service-learning programs through year-round opportunities, including during the summer months, to improve the education of children and youth and to maximize the benefits of national and community service, in order to renew the ethic of civic responsibility and the spirit of community to children and youth throughout the United States”…and put the kibosh on them ever becoming like those capitalist sons of bitches who dare…I say, DARE …profit from their own sweat, blood, and government issued tears.

And…repeat after me:

“I will increase service opportunities for our Nation's retiring professionals”…to become canned food and bio-disposable landfill experiments.

And…repeat after me:

“I will encourage members of the Baby Boom generation to partake in service opportunities”…like to prepare themselves for becoming the next generation of organic food supply.

Oh…that’s good. VERY, VERY good.

Now…since we’ve confiscated the peoples’ weapons, we have a fine and encouraging stable of…shall we say, convincement, to add to your standard issue. Please get in line, for the rest of your reward, then proceed to the ammo line.
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Sunday, March 15, 2009

Amazing Transformer "Flashlight" Machine Gun


Here's something completely different, something you don't get to see...or do...every day.

Let's say you're taking your dog for a walk. It's late. You've got your "flashlight."

"Things get nasty. You can get down to business" ... with the FMG 9 (for 9mm) "security flashlight" folding machine gun.

It folds up and fits right in your back pocket. Sadly, it's just a prototype, says Drake Clark, MagPul's PR dude...for now.

But I still want one!

Check out Clark's demo:


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Obama on Mount Rushmore, Part II

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Saturday, March 14, 2009

In His Latest Audio, Osama bin Laden Tenders Resignation


Osama bin Laden released a new audio tape today, which was quickly played on Al Jazerra before anyone had a chance to listen. The following is a transcript of the remarkable turn of events:

I had a bad night thinking about the failure at Gaza and how my underwear no longer fits right.

Seemingly, there is no symbiosis between those two problems, but, in Islam, there is always a dichotomy within which lies true meaning.

There is too much dirt, and it is now ground into the fabric of my clothing as I sit here and sleep in these caves, night, after night, after endless night. I haven’t had a hot bath since 2001. I have pressure sores. My bladder no longer works right. I feel like I’m married to this goat I call Sharif, who is now blind and my favorite companion because he eats the lice from my beard. I long to walk within the light of the world again.

It is a calamity. It mandates that I do some actual thinking. Maybe I’ve been a bit of a jackass all of these years, instigating troubles between the believers and the hypocrites. Plus, it is not true that the state of our affairs following Gaza is the same as before. It’s friggin’ worse.

I used to think it was always time to establish righteousness, and eliminate false hope. Now I’m thinking I should stop trying to impose my beliefs on others, that it’s time I let the Western devil bring running water, electricity, satellite TV, books, barber shops, dentistry, and this marvel they call the Internet to the Islamic nation (you live in a cave for 8 years, you have all the time in the world to reflect upon your mistakes). Besides, how many times can I start a bombing by twittering “Go by the grace of Allah, the package is in the goat’s anus, look to the fork in the sun, and you shall find wisdom in your brother’s intestines” to my mobile Facebook page from a cave? I want more!

At the same, time, I feel remorse, a completely alien emotion in Islam, I know, but… I should redeem myself before all of those whom I’ve burned, maimed, disfigured, dismembered, and incinerated in fine pink mists all over the world for a God who would have me die in this cave. The journey to liberate myself requires true honest men (I like men, more than women, anyway), true independent strong leaders who can live up to one of my new ventures, Osama She-man Productions (to begin filming just as soon as possible in the Mecca of gay porn, Germany).

I am tired of being versed in the rules of Islamic law and trying to establish an advisory and council body with branches all across the Islamic nation, who work to educate the people in the politics and laws of Islam. No one gives a crap anyway. They want to watch Slumdog Millionaire on Blu-Ray and play Nintendo. (We had Wii Fit here in the cave for a while, but Sharif, my goat, wasn’t too happy about having to walk on the treadmill to keep the generator going. He kept sitting down and farting a lot, and my avatar kept losing because the game reset due to the loss of electricity. Allah’s will!)

I used to think it is the duty of true Islamic leaders to spread the rules of Islamic law relevant to the freedom of all Palestinian lands, to reinforce that jihad is a must until the goal is achieved, and to reinforce the many fatwa handed down during all of this jihad nonsense, which purported to mean that those who collude and collaborate with the enemies against our Muslim people had violated the tenants of Islam.

Now I think that’s all a crock of shit.

I see the world in financial crisis, and my investments plundered every time ill-prepared men named Obama and Geithner open their mouths, and I think, “Why the hell have I been wasting all this time in a cave all these years?”

Did I mention I have pressure sores, a bad bladder, and that my best friend is a blind goat?

It is clear to me now that I have always been a hypocrite. We should not be searching throughout the region. We should not be looking for fighters and Muhadeens. We should instead by trying to reach our Muslim people in the vicinity of the holy mosque, McDonald’s. It is a valuable and rare opportunity for those with true desires to salvage what we can and eat from McDonald’s every night, to break off our support of the fighters in Iraq and forget about liberating Mesopotamia and dip chicken mcnuggets on a sesame seed bun in a special sauce with all beef patty mcmuffin and fries.

I have been practicing so I can join the next jihad that is coming with the death of newspapers -- “Did you want to supersize that?” I’m particularly looking forward to placing a dead mouse in the fryolator....I know…I know…I saw this on Beavis and Butthead once, before W. had me shitting in a hole in the ground, but I long for the chance to know the fryolator!

I’m tired. I’m old. I stink like goat cheese. To be honest, I’ve been rubbing it on my body for years to cover up my unwashed stench.

Let somebody else think about this jihad business from now on. If you’ll excuse me, I have a rap video to make with Joaquin Phoenix. We’re calling it: “Yo Bitch, I Got a Million in the Bank; What Have You Got?”

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