Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Postal Chief Says Post Office Awash in Cash

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The post office has so much extra cash, it wants to give it to b. Hussein, so he can spend it on more social programs, Postmaster General John Potter told Congress on Wednesday.

"We are swimming in money at historic proportions. We weren’t paying much attention to our receipts, and voila! found an accounting error that, when corrected, added an extra $2.8 billion to our coffers last year. We were thinking it might be useful to the president, or Speaker Pelosi, since we know they had to pull funding for birth control from Porkulus," Potter told a House panel.

The timing couldn’t be better, following b. Hussein’s nationally televised (and painfully boring) press conference last night, in which he used the word “investment” a stunning 4,782 times.

“We’re absolutely giddy,” the president said, through his interpreter, TOTUS. “A windfall of $2.8 billion in this economy that we’ve made worse each and every day -- coming to us when we least expected it -- is nothing short of miraculous. And you KNOW we like to spend! I think we’ll use it as collateral to borrow more from the Chinese to expand the 2010 budget plan another $2 trillion!”

Potter told Congress it was, indeed, a miracle and attributed it directly to the election of President b. Hussein Messiah last fall.

Potter first raised the possibility of a huge windfall of found cash in January, when b. Hussein was still trying to find someone without a tax problem to nominate to his cabinet, but the idea had not been warmly received in Congress (members, instead, privately wanted Potter to invest the money in AIG stock on their behalf).

Now, with the stock market having crashed following b. Hussein’s inauguration, and the Treasury Department printing more worthless money than every buxom Vegas Madame can stuff in their braziers in a lifetime, Congress is singing a different tune.

"With the Postal Service awash in cash, the subcommittee will consider a number of options to siphon the excess into more government programs. I mean, why cut Postal Service costs, or, dare I say, give it to patrons as some kind of tax break? Those fools! They should have used email or social media to communicate instead!" said subcommittee chairman Stephen F. Lynch, Dumbass from Mass.

The agency does not receive a taxpayer subsidy for its operations, although Congress does subsidize overseas voting and free mail for the blind. Anything extra in the agency’s accounts, however, is subject to re-appropriation to anything our elected officials see fit, as they’ve done with Social Security taxes, payroll taxes, real estate taxes, sales taxes, and, soon-to-be, flushing taxes and light-turning-on taxes.


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