You want a bank you can trust. You want to know your money is safe. You want to feel assured in these uncertain times.
At the National Bank of Obama, your peace of mind is our top friggin’ priority. The storm may be gathering, the sky may be falling, global warming may be freezing your ass off this winter, and the nation may have slipped into economic chaos beyond epic purportions never before seen (except for every other recession), but we at National Bank of Obama have your best interests at heart.
What’s that? Never heard of us before? You should have.
We were going to call ourselves BankofAmerica-CitiGroup-AIG-WellsFargo-JPMorganChase-GeneralMotors-GoldmanSachs-PNC-Bancorp-Chrysler-GMAC-SunTrust-CapitalOne-Regions-FifthThird-AmericanExpress-BB&T-NewYorkMellon-KeyCorp-Comerica-StateStreet-Marshall&Ilsley-NorthernTrust-Zions-HuntingtonBanchshares-Discover-Synovous-et al…[you can breathe, now]…but we didn’t think the name rolled off the tongue too well.
As a prime shareholder of every top financial institution in America, the National Bank of Obama (formerly known as the Federal Reserve and Treasury Department, respectively) seemed a more appropriate name. (We felt the name “BushBanc” wouldn’t be taken too seriously, at home or abroad.) So, with fewer than 48 hours left before the historic inauguration of Barack Hussein Obama as the 44th president of the United States, we’d like to announce the complete annexation and nationalization of every bank in America.
We owe it to our government and you, our citizen-comrades, to provide a firm financial ground for everyone to stand on, since “government…[please take a dramatic pause to complete the re-creation of our Messiah’s proclamation]...is the only way for our economy to survive” these perilous times, because, you know, government has such a long history of balancing budgets and keeping careful watch over the people’s money.
At the National Bank of Obama, we guarantee your retirement, your kid’s education, your checking and savings accounts, your home loans, car loans, credit cards, burial plot, and your life-auto-home-business-health insurance, even your dog insurance. (If you are a freedom-fighter, we’ll gladly provide you with loans that follow shariah lending practices…while charging double interest for non-Muslims to make up the difference.)
Not Muslim and need money? We’ll print it for you…for a small payday loan fee. We do it for ourselves, anyway (except we never pay anything back). Lose your job? We’ll give you a government job…with benefits (including polishing the Messiah’s brass ring). This takeover…umm…consolidation gives us the great financial authority…sorry…opportunity not seen since the early 1800s to control the nation's banking and the 1930s to provide for your well-being. Consider us your kind sugar daddy, your benevolent Henry Potter, your smiling Donald Trump (except we’ll be saying “you’re hired” when we put the unemployed back to work, building bridges, toll roads, and monuments to our most beatific president).
This is only the first step in renewing the promise of America. In the coming months, the National Bank of Obama will fund efforts for renewable energy, stem-cell research, AND we’ll give Mexican illegals access to birth control! Someday soon everyone will even be able to visit their local bank to receive their paycheck, a flu shot, or be put to sleep if they can’t afford to eat any longer!
We’ll make it through these difficult times together. The National Bank of Obama…always there when you need us. (Only card-carrying liberals need apply.)