Nancy Pelosi’s Travel Agency

WOW! Here she goes again. Princess Pelosi, somewhat heir to the throne of b. Hussein, has a bit of a problem on her hands: Do I travel government-coach-class or princess-class, both on the taxpayer’s dime?

The following is a string of “unofficial” emails that may or may not have been sent from House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s office today regarding her future plans for use of Air Force property.

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FROM: Twoface, Jerry [mailto: Jerry.Twoface@mail.house.gov]
Sent: Tuesday, March 10, 2009 11:01 a.m.
To: Magoo, Stinky; Air Force, Go
Cc: TRASH
Subject: Air Force Plane

Stinky:
You gotta friggin’ help me. The dragon lady is nipping at my behind. I swear she’s going to breathe fire and set me aflame. She wants a hot tub on the plane. Yes. I know what you’re thinking. Her face is a wrinkled mess, what the hell would she look like in a bathing suit? I can’t tell you. I’m sworn to secrecy. Please…if you ever liked me. I love breathing air. Please get the hot tub! I’d rather not be buried in a marsh with mice who have more rights under Porkulus than I do.

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FROM: Twoface, Jerry [mailto: Jerry.Twoface@mail.house.gov]
Sent: Tuesday, March 10, 2009 12:31 p.m.
To: Magoo, Stinky; Air Force, Go
Cc: TRASH
Subject: Air Force Plane

Stinky:
Well, I have no ass now. She breathed fire, and, poof, it was gone. If you can’t do the hot tub, can you at least get a trampoline? A small one? Don’t ask. It has something to do with kamasuttra, and I’m being ordered to participate.

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FROM: Twoface, Jerry [mailto: Jerry.Twoface@mail.house.gov]
Sent: Tuesday, March 10, 2009 12:45 p.m.
To: Magoo, Stinky; Air Force, Go
Cc: TRASH
Subject: Air Force Plane

Stinky:
You’re really going to make me go through with it, aren’t you? I don’t want to, but you leave me no choice. If you can’t at least provide the trampoline, or the hot tub, can she have a gallon of hot oil? It has to do with waxing her thighs. It’s really disgusting, and, again, I’m being ordered to participate.

I’d rather discuss the rest over a secure line.

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FROM: Twoface, Jerry [mailto: Jerry.Twoface@mail.house.gov]
Sent: Tuesday, March 10, 2009 1:13 p.m.
To: Magoo, Stinky; Air Force, Go
Cc: TRASH
Subject: Air Force Plane

Stinky:
You know, I love you man. I think she’ll be ecstatic with the hot oil! I’m aware of the violations of TSA rules of in-flight incendiary use, USAF rules of public decency (even when it comes to a member of the federal government), and basic human intelligence rules…but I love you nonetheless.

Just one question…when we’re over the Rockies…is there any way you can have a parachute and a duffel bag with a $1 million in unmarked bills stashed near one of the doors? Oh, and a suicide note taped somewhere nearby, so it doesn’t get sucked out the door when I jump?

I want to make it look like an accident when I bail on her.

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FROM: Twoface, Jerry [mailto: Jerry.Twoface@mail.house.gov]
Sent: Tuesday, March 10, 2009 2:14 p.m.
To: Magoo, Stinky; Air Force, Go
Cc: TRASH
Subject: Air Force Plane

No. No. No. Believe me, Stinky. I wouldn’t want you implicated in anything. I just need the goods so I can duck out. I have a brainwashing wand from MIB (it really works!), and I’ll just zap myself as I’m jumping. Once I hit the ground, I’ll hike up into Canada from there. If you could leave a note in the bag of cash that explains what I should do, that’d be great, too. Just so I don’t “forget.”

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FROM: Twoface, Jerry [mailto: Jerry.Twoface@mail.house.gov]
Sent: Tuesday, March 10, 2009 3:14 p.m.
To: Magoo, Stinky; Air Force, Go
Cc: TRASH
Subject: Air Force Plane

Stinky:
Oh SHIT! Change of plans. She doesn’t want the hot tub, the trampoline, or the hot oil…and we’re not flying her back to California, so letting me fake my death over the Rockies is out.

She wants to us to go to Macon, Georgia, for the Cherry Blossom Festival. She’s going to pretend she’s a virgin and ask Saxby Chambliss to grab her like he fondled his granddaughter in that extended campaign commercial last year over Thanksgiving.

BTW…Yes I’m aware there’s nothing on the speaker to grab but that nose.

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FROM: Twoface, Jerry [mailto: Jerry.Twoface@mail.house.gov]
Sent: Tuesday, March 10, 2009 4:12 p.m.
To: Magoo, Stinky; Air Force, Go
Cc: TRASH
Subject: Air Force Plane

Stinky:
Oh fer Pete’s sake. Change of plans again. Now the dragon lady wants to fly Kimbo Slice (yes, I know he’s no longer relevant, but she has the hots for him) and her on a private jaunt to the Caribbean. St. Kits, I think. It’s still classified, so I’ll have to email you again with final demands.

Oh…and she wants a revolving heart-shaped bed in her cabin.

And…yes…I know they don’t have “cabins” in planes. It’s the senator’s demand, however.

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FROM: Twoface, Jerry [mailto: Jerry.Twoface@mail.house.gov]
Sent: Tuesday, March 10, 2009 6:19 p.m.
To: Magoo, Stinky; Air Force, Go
Cc: TRASH
Subject: Air Force Plane

Stinky:
Oh, hell. I think I’m really going to just off myself for good, now. She’s changed plans again. She wants the plane to fly out to Cau-li-for-nia, pick up her entire family (yes, including the twins who can do nothing but grin and play “Dueling Banjos”), and ferry them all back to D.C. Yeah. It seems she has some big announcement: She’s discovered a cure for stupidity, and she wants to experiment on the president.

P.S.: You’re going to have to email the dragon lady directly. I’ve had enough. This isn’t what they taught me in civics class in college. I’m going to work for Michael Steele, at the RNC. I hear he’s planning an itinerary to visit the nation’s ghettos and needs an experienced travel agent.

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For the real drama, I encourage you to visit Judicial Watch for actual emails and the “real” report on this abuse of YOUR hard-earned money.

UPDATE: More on Nancy's hypocrisy from Goddess Michelle Malkin.