I AM THE GWWEAT BAAWWNEY FWWANK! And I WIWL Be CEO of Cowwpwwate Amewwica

(Baawwney, on his lunch bweak with Fannie and Fweddie)

I AM THE GWWEAT BAAWWNEY FWWANK! You will bow down befowwe me and wowwship at the altaww of my incwwwediblenesssss!



As an egg in my Mommy’s utewussss, I wanted to be a CEO. But then the embwwyo became impwwegnated by my no-good DaDa and spwwit. My genes began to wwepwwicate and mutate and fowm my pwedetewwmined wife handicap, the man I was meant to be, the biwwfth defect that gave me the tewible disease I wiv wiv day in and day and endeavoww to dewiva unto you: Congwwessional Megawwomania.



I AM THE GWWEAT BAAWWNEY FWWANK! You will bow down befowwe me and wowwship at the altaww of my incwwwediblenesssss!



And now, in this age of The Gwweat Govewwwnment under the pwwotection of The One, Twwue Messiah, I finawwwy have it, my dwweam, to be a CEO. With the Pay fow Pofowwmance Act of 2009, I heawwby declawwe that I, THE GWWEAT BAAWWNEY FWWANK!, will be CEO of cowwpwwate Amewwica. I will pwohibit unweasonable and excessive pay and compensation not based on pofowwmance standards, incwuding weguwar pay, bonuses, comp time, ovewtime, insuwance pwremiums, 401K matches, stock options (HA!…YOU CAN BET, you won’t be getting ANY!), bafwoom time, wunch time, and smoke bweak time for ALL EMPWOYEES of companies that accept govewnment money (then we’wl move on and nationawize those who don’t!).



Evwewone thinks it wiwl be that tax cheat, Timofy Geifner, in chawge of the bawance sheets, pushing the buttons of youwa daiwy cowwpwwate business, setting youwa pwoduct agenda, pumping up the troops, weeding out the deadweight, wowling back excessive sawawies, waying off dupwication, signing off on the puwchase of discount stapwles, and pwaying the back 9 duwing Vegas junkets just aftoh tanking up at the 19fth hole.



But. NO!



He’s just a figuwa head (weawwy, we now use a stunt double when he needs to be in pubwic, just so he doesn’t say anything mowa to tank the dowaw in the wowld mawket). I am his Shadow CEO. The WEAL FOWCE behind the cowwpwwate Amewwica of tomowwow!



I AM THE GWWEAT BAAWWNEY FWWANK! You will bow down befowwe me and wowwship at the altaww of my incwwwediblenesssss!



Oh… and I have this weawwy gwweat add on Cwaig’s List. Just search for “Fannie Mae and Fweddie Mac Awe Fine.” Cawl and weave a message, sweetie!

UPDATE I: Oh, man. I told you this idiot Geifner needed a double.