[The following is the only known transcript of an interview last week by Independent Star reporter Bias Jones with International Brotherhood of Polar Bears President Grumbles the Bear, occurring on an ice floe somewhere north of an Inuit village on Canada’s Ellesmere Island.]
Bias Jones: We’re here somewhere in the Arctic Circle to interview Grumbles the Bear, president of the International Brotherhood of Polar Bears. Sir…as I understand it, you and your union brothers have decided to close up shop. Is that right?
Grumbles the Bear: Yeah. That’s right.
BJ: Any particular reason?
GTB: Too many friggin’ reporters asking stupid questions.
BJ: Really, though, what would be the reason? As far as I know, you were one of the fastest growing unions due to the impending doom of global warming. You had the support of groups like Polar Bears International, the Kyoto nations, and even Coca-Cola wanted to find a way to make permanent ice floes for you to inhabit once the polar cap melts. It seems as though you were well on the rise to promising heights. Why stop now?
GTB: Rubbish. We quit, because we’ve been conned. Global warming is about as real as my love for reporters. You do know the story of the year is that global warming is not only a myth but also a blatant con, right?
BJ: Well. That’s a theory. Climate change models show…
GTB: Climate change models my ass. You know as well as I do the “climate” has been getting cooler these past 2 years, defying all of the best “scientific” computer models and their enablers. I guess Intel didn’t make the processors fast enough to figure out how to keep up with the reality that climate warming and cooling trends ebb and flow. And I’m a friggin’ polar bear. Why don’t “smarter" creatures, like reporters, know that?
BJ: Really, though, sir…I’ll play along. Let’s say that climate change isn’t real. Don’t you want to keep up momentum? If you disband now, you’re probably giving up millions in international funds and certainly favored species status by the U.N. Why, you might even be awarded your own nation!
GTB: Jeez…Do you media types go to school, or do they crap you out and give you a microphone the day you’re born? Many legitimate scientists have come out and said global warming is a crock. Why would we want to subject ourselves to sucking on the nipple of world governments to help feed a bullshit story when we can fend for ourselves? That’s the whole friggin’ problem with any union, far as I can tell. They do things ass-backwards. They should be forming their own companies if they’re so damned smart and talented, instead of bullying the companies they work for until those companies damned near collapse and run crying to Congress for public funding. And then there’s you people, the media, and your love for drama without truth or consequence. We actually blame you more than anyone else….
BJ: Well…that’s your opinion, sir. You do have the right to think and say what you like.
GTB: Damned right, Poindexter. Besides, my bet is that what you people really want is for the ice to melt so you can move us all into zoos, or have us eating from Inuit and Alaskan garbage cans while you make little movies of us for Discovery Channel documentaries and Coke commercials. That’s why we formed a union in the first place. To protect our rights. And, now that’s all unnecessary. We still have the ice, so we still have food, seals…and other…more tasty morsels. Those are all the rights we need.
BJ: Well…I do understand, sir…Hey…wait a minute…why are all you polar bears coming toward me? Hey. Stop that. Owww! You just bit off my arm! Arghhhhhhh!
[From this point, the recording is unintelligible, save for the sound of what appears to be cracking bones and extremely satisfied burping. Bias Jones is presumed missing. There is, however, a photograph circulating around the Internet that does resemble Mr. Jones, well, at least his arm.]