Friday, March 6, 2009

If B. Hussein Delivered Speeches sans his Golden Presidential Teleprompter

It’s well-known that b. Hussein lugs his teleprompter with him everywhere for his speeches, in the East Room of the White House, on the Senate Chamber floor, when he’s talking to Secret Service Guy #1 at the urinal next to him in the Presidential John. (SS#1 tells me the obstruction makes it quite difficult for him to hit his target.)

As such, it's an understatement to say that this friggin’ president is more aware of his “presidential-ness” than, perhaps, any other Commander-in-Chief in history (and there have been plenty of other snobs to haunt the White House hallways before him).

There’s a reason. For a man with a reputation from the MSM as a “Great Orator,” he’s relatively pedestrian in real life and gets squirrely, and quite revealing, when he tries to deliver speeches extemporaneously (for you liberals, that means “without notes”…and don’t send me comments telling me the word should be “contemporaneously”).

Here’s the internal monologue that went on inside b. Hussein’s head while he gave his inaugural speech, the transcript having just come into my possession. (I’m NOT giving up my source; I wouldn’t want the president to start wearing a tinfoil hat. I don’t think it would cover those big ears.)

All I can say is he’s lucky he had his Golden Presidential Teleprompter that day:
My fellow subjects:

I stand here today arrogant but completely unprepared for the task before us, grateful for your stupidity in having elected me, oblivious of the sacrifices (and laws and traditions) borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, you dimwitted ninny, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition, particularly when he wouldn’t let my family move here 2 weeks early and stay in the Blair House, so we had to go homeless until now.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The first 43 were just keeping the podium warm for me. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. And just about everyone of them…until me…got them right. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms – clouds and storms that I will whip into frenzied tornadoes, hurricanes, and downpours, to flood the earth for 40 days and 40 nights. At these moments, America has usually carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People (except after I get done with this speech and set Rhambo to work on your freedoms) have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents. Not that I know any names of our forbearers, or have read any of our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans. Man, I watch The Ten Commandments every other week, and just LOVE the line, “So let it be written, so let it be done”…but that’s about all I know about Christian history.


That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood – not by me, though…in fact, in March, when the Dow dives 25% from the beginning of this year, I will tell you: “The market is sort of like a tracking poll in politics. It bobs up and down, day to day, and if you spend all your time worrying about that, then you're probably going to get the long-term strategy wrong.” And I WON’T use this Golden Teleprompter right here in front of me when I do it!…(I just WISH you could hear what’s going on in my head, folks. Really. ‘Cause I just don’t got nothin’ for ya). Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred (and I’m going to ask them all to have tea and scones with Michelle and I, to settle our differences). Our economy is badly weakened, and I know it was all done by bad government policy, but I’m still going to tell you it was greedy, irresponsible bankers who did it.

My Mommy wipes me badly. That is why I smell!

Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land every time I will open my mouth and break another campaign promise – a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights, thanks to the debt I’m going to heap upon your children.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real, but I don’t care. I’m just here for the stately dinners, to have my portrait on the wall, and to piss off the Brits when they come begging for my help.


On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, so that I can turn right the fuck around and take away hope by preaching fear.

On this day, we come to proclaim that I am the Messiah and full of false promises, that I will renew recriminations and worn out dogmas, that I’m more than happy to strangle your freedoms.

Gaglglgle. Boop. Betcha Be! Shop ‘til you Drop!

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture (some guy told me, ‘cause I read the Quran and really don’t know Scripture) the time has come to set aside childish things, unless those things are mine. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit, unless I want to break it; to choose our better history, unless I haven’t learned from it; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness…if you’re liberal, voted for me, don’t work or pay taxes, hate God, hate the Constitution, and want to make rich people eat peanut butter and jelly for the rest of their lives!

Michelle says I’m no good in bed! Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em!

I’m going to talk in my real speech now about the men and women who have protected our country for more than 200 years, but they’re fools…and I don’t like them, so I’ll just shut down for a few paragraphs while my zombie eyes read from the Golden Presidential Teleprompter….

…..Gee, I really want to scratch my balls. I wonder if they’ll see it on the TV at home if I did?

….Is this speech still not done? GAWD, I need to get into the White House to see which room I’m going to fart in first!

….blah…blah…blah…blah…I wonder if brought that DVD of The Simpsons from Chicago.

...Slick Willy told me I could easily sneak out at night by lying down in the backseat of the limo. Good. ‘Cause Oprah’s really badgering me about getting away to The Mayflower Hotel with her for a three-minute rendezvous one of these nights….

…Uh…oh…I better come out of it now…

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth until I get through with it. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began…well…then again they will be when unemployment hurdles 10%. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. (GAWD, how long do I have to let this speech go on? You know I was just telling Michelle the other day that what I really need is my Blackberry…so I can play Brickbreaker! I really like that more than giving speeches…and creating responsible budgets…and weeding out pork from my policies.)
[Transcript edited for reasons of incoherent psychobabble that included more deliveries about b. Hussein’s Mommy, Michelle’s inability to satisfy him in a Quoronic sense and his need to have more wives, and an insatiable desire to mutter the words, “Ain’t no Thelma here. The bitch don’t live here!” over and over and over until it becomes apparent b. Hussein was replaying in his head the scene with Arsenio Hall from Amazon Women on the Moon.]

[This, of course, was followed by more (unprintable) insanity and boring inaugural speech reading from the Golden Presidential Teleprompter, the value of which no one will remember in 1,415 days, anyway, when the 45th president is sworn in….

We did, however, capture his thoughts of this: the Arabic language song (with Sting singing backup) that is now played at public events featuring b. Hussein, instead of the traditional “Hail to the Chief”:]

UPDATE: Of course, then there's a WHOLE new level to this love affair between b. Hussein and his Golden Presidential Teleprompter, in images, right over here.


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