WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Grumbles the Bear, former president of the International Brotherhood of Polar Bears, said he and his former union brethern would descend on Washington on Monday, March 2, to devour global warming protesters in the nation's capital.
"You friggin' idiots. It's March 2, and you're protesting in your skivvies in a friggin' snowstorm expected to bring some areas of the east coast up to 14 inches of snow. I know you're the cream of the crop of our nation's colleges, but I have to tell you...you've wasted my tax money and the hard earnings of your parents," Grumbles said, before taking a bite of one unsuspecting college student (some guy named Billy from U. Mass...well...formerly some guy named Billy from U. Mass).
"Global warming is a con. Bring your minions...your tired, your hungry...we'll still eat you. A cooling trend is on (for goodness sake, it snowed in friggin' Alabama and Georgia today, you idiots). Bring your dumb friggin' hippy-ass, commie-punk college students, with their Lennonist websites. I don't care if you have the backing of some loser from NASA. Come early, come often...we have more than enough teeth for you."
This reporter didn't stick around long enough to see the results of Mr. Grumbles' threats, or the threatened "civil disobedient" student march on the coal power plant in D.C. He remembers what happened earlier this year to fellow reporter Bias Jones...and he'll have none of that business, thank you very much.