WASHINGTON, D.C. – An aging nation got really friggin’ old today, as Washington lawmakers proposed banning the pagan practice of having children.
Speaker of the House Nancy Palooza boldly proclaimed that adding birth control funding to President Barrack Obama’s economic stimulating package “will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government."
It will save billions, she said. “Just think of the productivity that will go up when mothers, who would normally be taking 6 weeks off for maternity leave actually WORK! their lazy asses off during those 6 weeks,” Palooza said. “And how many fathers will stay late for work if they don’t have to rush off to coach baseball or watch a swim meet? This is the greatest pork barrel add on to any piece of legislation in the history of School House Rock!”
Under the ban, mothers will no longer be able to become pregnant unless they first file an application for “birth permission” with Congress. Palooza herself will judge which women are allowed to procreate and which will be deemed “workforce necessities.”
“I’ve often said that having 5 children and 6 grandchildren will never compare to being Speaker of the House,” Palooza said. “I would gladly go back and have fewer – or NONE – if it could save the government money…so we can buy a really cool toilet for my office – one that squirts me clean!”
Snippets of her interview today with George SnuffleupagusMathewsThrillUpMyLeg III on NC17 TV:
SNUFFLEUPAGUSMATTHEWSTHRILLUPMYLEG: Hundreds of millions of dollars to expand family planning services (I haven’t been able to speak in a complete sentence since Slick Willie surprised me from behind in 1992). That stimulus?
PALOOZA: Well, the family planning services reduce cost. Those damned babies are SUCH a drain on the economy. I mean, really. When you have a baby today your health insurance doesn’t even cover the full ride, and you’re left to pay all of the overages yourself, so you suck up to the government for a handout. Do you know what hospital diapers COST THESE DAYS? It would SO reduce costs on the state. (I don’t have any facts whatsoever to support my claim…but I won…just like the President…so I can say and do whatever the hell I want, right?) The states are in a terrible fiscal budget crisis now…and fewer friggin’ children would SO benefit them now, hell, with what we do for your children’s health, education, and the free lunch program? I mean…you can’t tell me that homeschooling moms and dads actually BENEFIT the country…by paying taxes to school districts and getting crappola in return, while they teach their kids better than your average school teacher with government student loans out the wazoo! Our kids deserve better. They deserve to be managed. From before conception. Hell…one of the initiatives you mentioned, contraception…something I don’t know a lot about, but I’m ready to get behind for the benefit of our national economy…will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government.
‘Cause everyone knows condoms are really expensive and the economy has made it really hard for people to afford them. So the states send them samples, monthly. Do you know what it costs to mail condoms these days?
SNUFFLEUPAGUSMATTHEWSTHRILLUPMYLEG: (Starts crying because he thinks he heard an Obama speech in the background) So, no apologies for that?
PALOOZA: No apologies. We have to deal with the consequences of the downturn in our economy. Fewer mouths to feed means more cash for the federal government. And that’s always a good thing.
Care for some Soylent Green, George? It's new...and young.