Snarky Tips For How Obama Could Win Re-Election in 2012

It’s looking like 2012 will be an uphill battle for pResident Barack Obama. There’s even supposition that his own secretary of state may beat his ass for the nomination; hey, may the best man win.

I’m just here to help.

And Zero needs it.

After all, Scott Brown likely gets sworn in today, essentially derailing the pResident’s entire agenda … if 41 Republicans in the Senate can stick together. And I know millions of fed-up Americans who are willing to ruin any Republican’s political future if any one of them gets stupid and goes maverick.

The nature of politics in Washington that Obama swore he would change … changes … because of him … today. Just to give him a hand, because he looks like a good father and has been, now and then, known to throw a beer fest (one of my favorite daily events), I thought I’d give him some advice. Here are my ironclad recommendations that will guarantee that you, Mr. pResident, will win re-election in 2012:

Fire Rahm Emanuel as chief of staff and replace him with Sarah Palin’s Facebook page, since it has far more influence on the country.

Give the 56 percent of Americans who pay all of the income tax in this country tax amnesty through the end of 2012, while taxing all members of Congress and Obama cabinet members (including czars) 450 percent of their net worth over the same time period.

Issue an Executive Order to make the Wicked Witch of Congress and Harry Reid go skydiving without parachutes.

Donate your brain to science, so that we can once and for all find out just why liberals are born without brain cells. You’re not using it anyway.

Require Henry Waxman to wear a plastic bag over his head, duct tape over his mouth and nostrils, and have one strychnine martini via IV each day for 6 months … just to be sure.

Enroll Mobama as a contestant in Extreme Makeovers, where she’ll undergo liposuction around her ample midsection, arm reduction surgery, a Halle Berry face transplant, and a fashion sense brain implant. She’ll also need to donate all of her boob belts to the cattle industry in order to improve milking science.

Stop the order to close Gitmo and round up George Soros and Andrew Stern and Chris Matthews and Keith Olberman and throw them in a cell with KSM. Have KSM teach them what Muslim men like to do with goats.

Reinstitute the space program and strap Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein and Alan Grayson into a rocket with a monkey and shoot them into space on a secret mission. Soon after, have the monkey jettison Boxer and Feinstein and Grayson as junk and report back to Houston that there is no sign of intelligent life in space.

Send Joe Biden to Vegas and have him bet 10 Scooby Snacks he can’t slop whiteout over every line of information on his birth certificate, then challenge him to double down and fill in the birth certificate as if it were your own. … Then steal the document and introduce it before a Senate hearing as proof, once and for all, of your citizenship and claim to have caught Biden doctoring your birth certificate. To top it off, deport Biden and Al Gore (as Biden’s handler) to the North Pole, on an ice floe floating toward a hungry mother polar bear and her two cubs.

Fire David Plouffe as your chief bitch in charge of fixing everything you screwed up and replace him with Mickey Rourke and shoot him up with steroids and have him drop a Ram Jam on every Republican who gets in your way.