Sunday, February 7, 2010

Snarky Tips For How Obama Could Win Re-Election in 2012

It’s looking like 2012 will be an uphill battle for pResident Barack Obama. There’s even supposition that his own secretary of state may beat his ass for the nomination; hey, may the best man win.

I’m just here to help.

And Zero needs it.

After all, Scott Brown likely gets sworn in today, essentially derailing the pResident’s entire agenda … if 41 Republicans in the Senate can stick together. And I know millions of fed-up Americans who are willing to ruin any Republican’s political future if any one of them gets stupid and goes maverick.

The nature of politics in Washington that Obama swore he would change … changes … because of him … today. Just to give him a hand, because he looks like a good father and has been, now and then, known to throw a beer fest (one of my favorite daily events), I thought I’d give him some advice. Here are my ironclad recommendations that will guarantee that you, Mr. pResident, will win re-election in 2012:

Fire Rahm Emanuel as chief of staff and replace him with Sarah Palin’s Facebook page, since it has far more influence on the country.

Give the 56 percent of Americans who pay all of the income tax in this country tax amnesty through the end of 2012, while taxing all members of Congress and Obama cabinet members (including czars) 450 percent of their net worth over the same time period.

Issue an Executive Order to make the Wicked Witch of Congress and Harry Reid go skydiving without parachutes.

Donate your brain to science, so that we can once and for all find out just why liberals are born without brain cells. You’re not using it anyway.

Require Henry Waxman to wear a plastic bag over his head, duct tape over his mouth and nostrils, and have one strychnine martini via IV each day for 6 months … just to be sure.

Enroll Mobama as a contestant in Extreme Makeovers, where she’ll undergo liposuction around her ample midsection, arm reduction surgery, a Halle Berry face transplant, and a fashion sense brain implant. She’ll also need to donate all of her boob belts to the cattle industry in order to improve milking science.

Stop the order to close Gitmo and round up George Soros and Andrew Stern and Chris Matthews and Keith Olberman and throw them in a cell with KSM. Have KSM teach them what Muslim men like to do with goats.

Reinstitute the space program and strap Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein and Alan Grayson into a rocket with a monkey and shoot them into space on a secret mission. Soon after, have the monkey jettison Boxer and Feinstein and Grayson as junk and report back to Houston that there is no sign of intelligent life in space.

Send Joe Biden to Vegas and have him bet 10 Scooby Snacks he can’t slop whiteout over every line of information on his birth certificate, then challenge him to double down and fill in the birth certificate as if it were your own. … Then steal the document and introduce it before a Senate hearing as proof, once and for all, of your citizenship and claim to have caught Biden doctoring your birth certificate. To top it off, deport Biden and Al Gore (as Biden’s handler) to the North Pole, on an ice floe floating toward a hungry mother polar bear and her two cubs.

Fire David Plouffe as your chief bitch in charge of fixing everything you screwed up and replace him with Mickey Rourke and shoot him up with steroids and have him drop a Ram Jam on every Republican who gets in your way.


Amusing Bunni on February 7, 2010 at 10:26 PM said...

These are super ideas, SB! I wish he would donate his head to science, right now.
I'm glad you have the new/old blog set up again. Hopefully your problems will be over now,
I'm following you.

Anonymous said...

See what happens when you let me play with your toys?

BTW, you may want to add the username/website option to your profile choices

Snarky Basterd on February 7, 2010 at 11:00 PM said...

Thanks, B. This was the best way I could figure out to continue to bring everyone Jamie's wonderful art, G.O.T.'s brilliance, Innoman, Stickee, cbullitt, Candle, and Ex-Parrot ... and soon to be at least another contributor ... without having to fuck with constant technical issues having to do with the theme we were using and the platform. At least this place looks ok. I'll tweak the width a bit (I did that at the old site). But at least we have 3 columns and a main gutter and the read more function, many of the key features we had before.

And, of course, we have the readers. Without you, boys and girls, why don't have a blog. So, I thank you for putting up with me and coming over this way.


Opus #6 on February 8, 2010 at 12:34 AM said...

Don't give the libs any ideas.

Welcome back to blogspot. I must have left you on my dashboard because you showed up there by surprise. Yay!

Velcro on February 8, 2010 at 2:37 AM said...

Those are good suggestions. They should be implemented right away. Glad to hear you did the Brylcreme thing and came back. I think I've updated everything. Ain't technology grand?

MathewK on February 8, 2010 at 5:28 AM said...

Heard about the troubles with wordpress, sorry mate, looks like you've been having some hard times here. Hopefully blogger doesn't turn to crap as well.

Woodsterman (Odie) on February 8, 2010 at 8:50 AM said...

We're here waiting on you Dave ... Get the hell back !

Woodsterman (Odie) on February 8, 2010 at 8:51 AM said...

Hey, I love this big writing. Please make it stay.

Snarky Basterd on February 8, 2010 at 8:54 AM said...

Thanks, Opie. Glad I popped back in there. I'll be sure to make a regular stay on your dashboard, too.

Snarky Basterd on February 8, 2010 at 8:55 AM said...

Velcro ... I can normally hack my way through most technological problems, but when they get in the way of production, I have to take a step back and simplify.

Snarky Basterd on February 8, 2010 at 8:56 AM said...

MK ... if this Blogger thing turns to crap I'm going back to a Royal typewriter.

Snarky Basterd on February 8, 2010 at 8:56 AM said...

I like the big writing, too, Odie. This is a nice template.

Always On Watch on February 8, 2010 at 9:03 AM said...

Of course, we know that BHO won't follow any of these tips.

He's fated to lose in 2012! Yeehaw!

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