Snarky Tips For How Obama Could Win Re-Election in 2012

It’s looking like 2012 will be an uphill battle for pResident Barack Obama. There’s even supposition that his own secretary of state may beat his ass for the nomination; hey, may the best man win.

I’m just here to help.

And Zero needs it.

After all, Scott Brown likely gets sworn in today, essentially derailing the pResident’s entire agenda … if 41 Republicans in the Senate can stick together. And I know millions of fed-up Americans who are willing to ruin any Republican’s political future if any one of them gets stupid and goes maverick.

The nature of politics in Washington that Obama swore he would change … changes … because of him … today. Just to give him a hand, because he looks like a good father and has been, now and then, known to throw a beer fest (one of my favorite daily events), I thought I’d give him some advice. Here are my ironclad recommendations that will guarantee that you, Mr. pResident, will win re-election in 2012:

Fire Rahm Emanuel as chief of staff and replace him with Sarah Palin’s Facebook page, since it has far more influence on the country.

Give the 56 percent of Americans who pay all of the income tax in this country tax amnesty through the end of 2012, while taxing all members of Congress and Obama cabinet members (including czars) 450 percent of their net worth over the same time period.

Issue an Executive Order to make the Wicked Witch of Congress and Harry Reid go skydiving without parachutes.

Donate your brain to science, so that we can once and for all find out just why liberals are born without brain cells. You’re not using it anyway.

Require Henry Waxman to wear a plastic bag over his head, duct tape over his mouth and nostrils, and have one strychnine martini via IV each day for 6 months … just to be sure.

Enroll Mobama as a contestant in Extreme Makeovers, where she’ll undergo liposuction around her ample midsection, arm reduction surgery, a Halle Berry face transplant, and a fashion sense brain implant. She’ll also need to donate all of her boob belts to the cattle industry in order to improve milking science.

Stop the order to close Gitmo and round up George Soros and Andrew Stern and Chris Matthews and Keith Olberman and throw them in a cell with KSM. Have KSM teach them what Muslim men like to do with goats.

Reinstitute the space program and strap Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein and Alan Grayson into a rocket with a monkey and shoot them into space on a secret mission. Soon after, have the monkey jettison Boxer and Feinstein and Grayson as junk and report back to Houston that there is no sign of intelligent life in space.

Send Joe Biden to Vegas and have him bet 10 Scooby Snacks he can’t slop whiteout over every line of information on his birth certificate, then challenge him to double down and fill in the birth certificate as if it were your own. … Then steal the document and introduce it before a Senate hearing as proof, once and for all, of your citizenship and claim to have caught Biden doctoring your birth certificate. To top it off, deport Biden and Al Gore (as Biden’s handler) to the North Pole, on an ice floe floating toward a hungry mother polar bear and her two cubs.

Fire David Plouffe as your chief bitch in charge of fixing everything you screwed up and replace him with Mickey Rourke and shoot him up with steroids and have him drop a Ram Jam on every Republican who gets in your way.

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Snarky Tips For How Obama Could Win Re-Election in 2012

Last Night Was the End of the Beginning

Don't think: WTF? Just go read this.

“This is not the end; it is not even the beginning of the end, but it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.” -- William Churchill (Shamelessly stolen from TexasFred's Facebook page)

P.S. From Doug Hoffman's web site: "Only 365 days until election day 2010." via Right Klick

P.P.S. And in other news, Sir Leg Tingles Alot, wasn't too happy about this. Maybe he should have shut up when radio host Mark Williams was trying to speak:

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Last Night Was the End of the Beginning

Streaming Snark #1

Via King Obama

Random blips of illogic and unimportance…

Global cooling awakened Godzira today, and he took it out on some Japanese fishermen. If we pile a mound of fish on the White House lawn, maybe he’ll take it out on Obama.

Obama has shed 15 pounds in an amazing new weight-loss plan: the Lobotomy Diet.

Al Gore announced he’s a greedy polluting asshole out to make a profit. His anti-capitalist followers turned out their lights … and bought more stock.

Today’s episode of The Sopranos: Corzine’s Gang Bangers:

Howard Fineman’s “of course Obama is much smarter than us” makes Chris Matthews’ “thrill up my leg” seem like an amateur man crush.

What do Gordon Brown, Barack Obama and Hamid Karzai have in common? They all could have started their political careers in Chicago.

Somehow I don’t foresee a beer summit with Hannity. I do, however, foresee Obama giving Hannity a blanket loaded with smallpox.

Seven black lawmakers are under investigation by the House ethics committee for being thieving assholes. Nancy Pelosi will hold a press conference later today to announce the committee is racist.

In fact, click below to find out just how racist you are:

Via Missourah.com

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Streaming Snark #1

Obama Initiates Cash for Czars Program

WASHINGTON -- In a striking move aimed at both shoring up his failing agenda and hoping to stop his administration from hemorrhaging into the worst since Jimmy Peanut-brained Carter’s, pResident Barack Obama today unveiled a bold new Cash for Czars program.

“Van Jones was an environmentally-conscious Communist dedicated to outlandish statements, un-concealable past indiscretions, and irrepressible acts of irresponsibility,” Obama said during an impromptu news conference in the Rose Garden Sunday, attended by only a few remaining media friends, in particular Chris Matthews. “We admit to incredible breaches in our czar evaluation system. As a result, by the executive order I signed this morning, I’ve introduced a plan to weed out czars -- who report to no one but me -- with an incentive program.

“The Cash for Czars program will ask our currently estimated three dozen czars -- hell, I don’t even know how many toes I have at any given moment, so how can I be expected to know how many czars report to me,” Obama asked, looking away from his teleprompter to bask in a moment of infatuation with what’s left of his beloved press, in particular Keith Olbermann, “-- to answer three basic questions. One: 'What... is your name?' Two: 'What... is your quest?' Three: 'What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? '

“He who shall answer these questions three shall be allowed to cross the Bridge of Czars, but, yea, he who shall miss any of these questions three shall be given a lump sum severance package amounting to a half-million dollars or their expected salary over the next 3.4 years, whichever comes out higher.”

However, in tough questioning immediately after his remarks, ABC’s Jake Tapper put the pResident on the spot: “When you say ‘unladen swallow’; what do you mean: African or European?”

Obama slyly deferred to his behind-the-scenes mastermind, Valerie Jarrett, who had hand-picked Jones for Green Jobs czar and fortunately replied: “I…I…I don’t know that.”

And with that, Jarrett was unsuspectingly cast not into the Gorge of Eternal Severance but, amazingly, into the Gorge of Eternal Peril, and Obama subsequently announced an alternative three-point plan for restoring The Republic to its natural order:

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Obama Initiates Cash for Czars Program

B'bye, Teddy

Since I don't want to look like this, I'll always remember you for inspiring me...to go on a diet and lose the 40 pounds I've gained during your last 20 years in the Senate.

BTW: Drop me a line, willya? I'm very interested in what Old Scratch thinks about Obugger.

UPDATE: And from your last-place nightly news commenter/Democratic party shill, Chris "Thrill up my Leg" Matthews, we have this: Obugger is the last Kennedy brother:



The comedy train just rolls on and on.

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B'bye, Teddy

A Letter to Barbara Boxer

A friend from Pittsburgh wrote this letter today and sent it to the ma'am (I won't even give the conniving little weasel the pleasure of me calling her "senator"), while also emailing me with permission to print it here:

Dear Barbara,

You have no right to criticize a distinguished member of our military, a man who has put his life on the line for you and for me (which, I dare say, you haven't), simply because he used one honorific instead of another for you. Furthermore, you have not *earned* the title senator; simply because you have enough money to buy an election does not mean that you've earned anything. You have very little respect outside of your incredibly liberal constituency; please do not assume otherwise.

You would do well to remember that you work for us, not the other way around. It is you who should be showing the utmost respect to your employers, especially those in uniform.

I look forward to the day when someone worthy of representing the people of California is elected in your place.

This is, of course, in response to Boxer's putdown of U.S. Army Brigadier General Michael Walsh for calling her the most awful name in the book...ma'am...during testimony before a Senate committee Wednesday:

Sen. BARBARA BOXER: Do me a favor. Could you say, "Senator," instead of "Ma'am"? It's just a thing. I worked so hard to get that title. So I'd appreciate it. Yes, thank you.

Brig. Gen. WALSH: Yes, Senator.

MSNBC's Chris Matthews, as only Matthews can, interpreted the salvo as the general "learning his lesson the hard way" not to cross the Wicked Witch of the Congress' step-cousin (once removed, fathered, my sources tell me, by the Witch's uncle-brother and cousin-sister), but then the head goon for the last-place cable network at least didn't get a thrill up his leg over the affair.

Thankfully, conservative talk show guru Mark Levin balanced Matthews' stupidity by calling Boxer "an ass."

Along those lines, Babs, here's another fitting little honorific to go before your first name: Obnoxious Feminazi Pompous Ass...

Ma'am.

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A Letter to Barbara Boxer

I Got Your Thrill Right Here, Chris

Leave it to MSNBC's Chris Matthews, the worst "news show" host on TV -- cable, PPV, or network -- to get the Quote of the Year for this zinger. Sorry, but I don't feel comfortable publishing such filth, even in this lowly place.

Matthews, always a step away from blowing a gasket on TV while pretending to be "hardball" (more like hard up), uttered his immortal brain fart about, you guessed it, the Messiah.

Other blissfully notable tongue slips include:

The Crush Rush Award for Loathing Limbaugh
Author/humorist P.J. O’Rourke: "It’s the twilight of the radio loud-mouth, you know? I knew it from the moment the fat guy [Rush Limbaugh] refused to share his drugs...."
Host Bill Maher: "You mean the OxyContin that he was on?...Why couldn’t he have croaked from it instead of Heath Ledger?" — HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher, February 8.

Madness of King George Award
"When somebody asks you, sir, about the cooked books and faked threats you foisted on a sincere and frightened nation; when somebody asks you, sir, about your gallant, noble, self-abnegating sacrifice of your golf game so as to soothe the families of the war dead; this advice, Mr. Bush: Shut the hell up! Good night and good luck." — MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann in a "Special Comment" on Countdown, May 14.

Barbra Streisand Political IQ Award for Celebrity Vapidity
"If you have a few hundred followers, and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you ‘Pope.’ It’s like, if you can’t pay your mortgage, you’re a deadbeat. But if you can’t pay a million mortgages, you’re Bear Stearns and we bail you out. And that is who the Catholic Church is: the Bear Stearns of organized pedophilia." — Bill Maher on HBO’s Real Time, April 11.

Hey, Bill. By the way...someday I'd like to meet you...and punch you in the friggin' nose, you godless prick.

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I Got Your Thrill Right Here, Chris