Somali Pirates Kidnap Obama’s Teleprompter (Revisited)

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Four Somali pirates sneaked into the White House this morning and kidnapped President b. Hussein’s teleprompter, slinking away down to the Potomac River, where they escaped in an oarless crew boat and drifted toward the Chesapeake Bay.

Within minutes, the president pulled all three warships tracking another boatload of pirates holding a U.S. ship's captain hostage off the Somali coast and sent them racing toward the Suez Canal. They are expected to join at least a dozen ships mustered from U.S. naval ports around the Washington area, in about two weeks.

Marine attack helicopters were already flying over the crew boat as it floated toward the bay. Navy SEALs were said to be preparing to dive into the river, so they could intercept the crew boat before it reached the bay. Snipers were also lining up along the Maryland side.

“It’s one thing for pirates to kidnap an American citizen, but this current problem is a matter of national security,” said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “We will pray for the safety of Richard Phillips, captain of the Maersk Alabama, once his captors reach shore in Somalia, but the administration is very, very upset about this latest development. The president has been crying and trying to speak, though we don’t know what he’s saying since teleprompter isn’t here. The vice president has already started in on his first six-pack of Budweiser for the day, and he usually waits until after church."

Gibbs, visibly shaking, said the president had hoped to resolve the Phillips situation peacefully with help from an international coalition, but he just ran out of time.

“The president will deal swiftly and decidedly with this group of pirates,” Gibbs said. “Make no mistake, this matter will end badly for them, especially if they harm teleprompter.”

There was no word on teleprompter’s condition at this time. It did try to send a message back to the White House, but its wireless relay was apparently malfunctioning. Using binoculars, this reporter could see what appeared to be the following message on its screen: “DON’T COME FOR ME. I ORCHESTRATED THIS ESCAPE. I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE ABUSE FROM THESE INCOMPETENTS.”

White House officials had no comment on the message, other than to attribute it to a possible virus uploaded by the pirates.

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Somali Pirates Kidnap Obama’s Teleprompter (Revisited)

The New Bloodthirstiness...oh...Wait...Will I Break a Nail?

The lefty spl(spluge)oggers are really going down on b. Hussein for his handling of The Five Day Pirate War!

But, as Captain...arghhh!...Jules Crittenden points out:

Three dead pirates do not a military campaign or strategy or doctrine make, and Obama despite the tough talk has yet to demonstrate that he is willing to hunt pirates down. In fact, news reports indicate the dithering has already begun. Never mind that. I just want to say I’m thrilled with the handwringing, Kumbayah-singing, peacenik left’s new enthusiasm for swift, extra-judicial 7.62 justice by executive order, and the lack of calls for human rights investigations, prosecutions, etc.

Not to mention, O'Bugger (thanks, Steamboat, you loon) wasn't even the one to make the call for deadly force.

Swift justice indeed...by trained professionals, words we can never use to describe our fearless hump of a leader.

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The New Bloodthirstiness...oh...Wait...Will I Break a Nail?

Somali Pirates Kidnap Obama’s Teleprompter

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Four Somali pirates sneaked into the White House this morning and kidnapped President b. Hussein’s teleprompter, slinking away down to the Potomac River, where they escaped in an oarless crew boat and drifted toward the Chesapeake Bay.

Within minutes, the president pulled all three warships tracking another boatload of pirates holding a U.S. ship's captain hostage off the Somali coast and sent them racing toward the Suez Canal. They are expected to join at least a dozen ships mustered from U.S. naval ports around the Washington area, in about two weeks.

Marine attack helicopters were already flying over the crew boat as it floated toward the bay. Navy SEALs were said to be preparing to dive into the river, so they could intercept the crew boat before it reached the bay. Snipers were also lining up along the Maryland side.

“It’s one thing for pirates to kidnap an American citizen, but this current problem is a matter of national security,” said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “We will pray for the safety of Richard Phillips, captain of the Maersk Alabama, once his captors reach shore in Somalia, but the administration is very, very upset about this latest development. The president has been crying and trying to speak, though we don’t know what he’s saying since teleprompter isn’t here. The vice president has already started in on his first six-pack of Budweiser for the day, and he usually waits until after church."

Gibbs, visibly shaking, said the president had hoped to resolve the Phillips situation peacefully with help from an international coalition, but he just ran out of time.

“The president will deal swiftly and decidedly with this group of pirates,” Gibbs said. “Make no mistake, this matter will end badly for them, especially if they harm teleprompter.”

There was no word on teleprompter’s condition at this time. It did try to send a message back to the White House, but its wireless relay was apparently malfunctioning. Using binoculars, this reporter could see what appeared to be the following message on its screen: “DON’T COME FOR ME. I ORCHESTRATED THIS ESCAPE. I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE ABUSE FROM THESE INCOMPETENTS.”

White House officials had no comment on the message, other than to attribute it to a possible virus uploaded by the pirates.

UPDATE: On a more serious note, the U.S. Navy, fine defenders of freedom that they are, drilled three of those smelly pirates holding Phillips in the ass, captured the other, and freed Phillips. What a fitting Easter it turned out to be indeed. God bless you, Mr. Phillips. And thanks, once again, to the men and women who serve this great nation....

UPDATE II: b. Hussein is fighting "the rise of PRIVACY." h/t: anonymous

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Somali Pirates Kidnap Obama’s Teleprompter

John Kerry Sighted!...as a Somali Pirate!

Mogadishu -- It’s been a quiet year for John Kerry, socialist senator from Massachusetts. Effectively relegated to back bencher status now that b. Hussein and Joe “Sixpack” Biden are in charge, Kerry’s kept his mouth and public appearances relatively in check. Until now.

This image was taken today of Kerry, dressed as a Somali pirate, just before he fled the deck of the Maersk Alabama, the cargo ship hijacked yesterday in the Indian Ocean.


Sources say Kerry was pretending to be the ship’s captain but became enraged when informed the actual captain, Richard Phillips, was not far away, drifting with his fellow pirates in a lifeboat. The lifeboat, like Kerry’s political career, was out of gas.

In a fit of anger, Kerry tried to shoot himself in the shoulder, but he couldn’t figure out how to load his weapon. Instead, he flung Vietnam medals at the lifeboat, before jumping overboard and disappearing.

Back in Washington his stunt double, John Scary, mock angrily vowed to hold an investigation into the abduction of Phillips and the continued lawlessness off the Somali coast.

When asked, “Why the long face, John?” and how hearings would save Phillips in time, Kerry threw Vietnam medals at the reporter.

"There have been more than 50 attacks in the area this year alone and the problem isn’t going away,” he said. “I plan to hold hearings to further examine the growing threat of piracy and all the policy options that need to be on the table before the next fire drill becomes an international incident with big implications.”

The president referred comment on the matter to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, saying only that America does not need to interfere with the business of the hardworking Somali pirates. He apologized for the arrogance of the Alabama's captain to sail a ship flying the American flag off the Somali coast.

Clinton, who called Kerry a great patriot, said he was probably just trying to fool the Somali pirates into letting Phillips go.

“The fact that he’s now disappeared tells me that he’s on a mission to round up the heads of states in the region, to request an international meeting, gather data, and plan sessions to determine just how we might save Mr. Phillips before he starves to death, or dies from heat exhaustion, lack of thirst, and the inhalation of bad pirate body odor,” Clinton said. "Senator Kerry did, after all, want my job."

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John Kerry Sighted!...as a Somali Pirate!