Nonsubliminal Messages: I Need a Freakin' Job ... and ... I Hate L.A.

Buffalo area residents send a message to our pResident.

Meanwhile, Arizona sends one to L.A.

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Nonsubliminal Messages: I Need a Freakin' Job ... and ... I Hate L.A.

Harry Reid: Only 36,000 Lost Their Jobs Today

What a friggin' douchebag ...

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Harry Reid: Only 36,000 Lost Their Jobs Today

UPDATE: What Will We Ever Do Without Orange Hot Pants and Boobs?

This. Can't. Happen. You've heard of Save the Ta-tas. I'm officially launching a Save the Hooters campaign. Because boobs and fried food and copious amounts of beer mean that much to America.

Just click on my profile in the sidebar and drop me an email with your PayPal account login info and I'll take care of the rest.

H/T: Snarkandboobs at IOTW

From the NY Post (emphasis mine):

Hooters is rattling its cans on Wall Street.

The Atlanta-based "breast-aurant" chain -- famous for the scantily clad waitresses who serve up its burgers and spicy wings -- is beckoning prospective buyers, sources told The Post.

Hooters has recently shopped itself to a number of private-equity firms as sales have sagged with the recession, sources said. The closely held company, meanwhile, is in advanced talks with a Connecticut-based investor that has been granted certain rights of refusal on any potential transaction, according to one source.

UPDATE: Hilariously, Hooters' CEO Colby Brooks is scheduled to appear on the Feb. 14 edition of "Undercover Boss." Do you suppose his Valentine's Day surprise for his employees might be to reveal that his ultimate fantasy would be to become a Hooters' girl, especially when he looks one?

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UPDATE: What Will We Ever Do Without Orange Hot Pants and Boobs?

That'll be $595,000 a Pound, Mr. Obama

Here's economic stimulus for you, and yet another sign of President Barack Obama's brilliance.

Over at the Obama web site set up to show us just where the funny money is going, and what it's stimulating, we find out key economic details of this country's recovery, such as ham that costs $595,000 a pound.

You know this link will disappear once Obugger finds out the blogosphere is all over this little tidbit of government ham and cheese, so I'm pasting the information over here, a bit awkward to read but still clear as a bell.

Just one question, Mr. President? How much did the mustard cost?

h/t: IMAO and The American Thinker and Red State

Contracts - Recipient Summary

CLOUGHERTY PACKING, LLC

Clarification of Codes

Award Overview

Agency Name	Department of Agriculture	Project Location	LOS ANGELES
Contract Number	AG3J14120297196	Project Location - State	CA
Funding Amount	$1,191,200	Project Location - Zip Code	90058-1800
Completion Date	2009-06-30	Congressional District	CA-34

Recipient Information (Award)

Recipient Name	CLOUGHERTY PACKING, LLC	Recipient Address	3049 E VERNON AVE
Recipient City	LOS ANGELES	Recipient State	CALIFORNIA
Recipient Zip Code	90058-1800	Congressional District	CALIFORNIA-34

Description of Work/Service performed

2 POUND FROZEN HAM SLICED

Purchaser Information (Award)

Contracting Office ID	3J14	Contracting Office Name	AGRICULTURAL MARKETING SERVICE
Contracting Office Region		TAS Major Program	3509

Contract Information (Award)

Date Signed	2009-04-28	Effective Date	2009-04-28
Current Completion Date	2009-06-30	Ultimate Completion Date	2009-06-30
Award Type	DEFINITIVE CONTRACT	Reason For Modification
Type of Contract Pricing	FIRM FIXED PRICE	Last Date to Order
Funding Agency ID	12F2	Funding Office ID
Funding Office Name		Number of Offers Received	2

Product or Service Information (Award)

Product or Service Code	8905	Product or Service Description	MEAT, POULTRY, AND FISH
Principal NAICS Code	311611	Principal NAICS Description	ANIMAL (EXCEPT POULTRY) SLAUGHTERING

Competition Information (Award)

Extent Competed	FULL AND OPEN COMPETITION	Reason Not Competed
Solicitation Procedures	SEALED BID	Type of Set Aside	NO SET ASIDE USED.
Statutory Exception to Fair Opportunity		Type of Contract Pricing	FIRM FIXED PRICE

Preference Programs (Award)

Business Size Determination

OTHER THAN SMALL BUSINESS

Transactions

Modification Number	Transaction Number	PIID	IDV PIID	Available Amount	Project Location	Signed Date
0	0	AG3J14120297196		$1,191,200	CA	2009-04-28

UPDATE: Well, then...someone must have received a lot of calls this a.m. in D.C. because they're out defending ham. It was the packaging size: States bought 760,000 pounds, at $1.50 a pound, to feed the hungry.

Now...if only they'd react this quickly when we try to shut down their circuit boards with outraged calls over Porkulus and Omnibus and Cap-and-Slave and Obuggercare.

Not likely. They only like to point out when others are wrong...never when they're wrong.

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That'll be $595,000 a Pound, Mr. Obama

Googling “Economic Depression” Way Down, “Obama Is a Liar” Way Up

WASHINGTON -- The number of people searching for the term “economic depression” on Google is down, says a White House economic advisor. Fortunately, searches for other terms that indicate President Barack Obama’s popularity may be history are way up.

Larry Summers, a top economic adviser to Obama, claims that Google searches for “economic depression” have reached normal levels, a sure sign that the economic free-fall has ended. (Could the White House use anything less tangible and credible and more ridiculous to indicate the Obugger administration’s spending policies aren’t asinine?)

“We pledged at the time the Recovery Act became law that some of the spending and tax effects would begin almost immediately,” Summers said in prepared remarks (does anyone in this administration speak without the use of a teleprompter?). “Blah… blah… blah the impact of the Recovery Act blah… blah… blah… over time, peaking during 2010 with about 70 percent of the total stimulus provided in the first blah... blah... blah (even though we know damned well it won’t make a bit of difference, since states are out there using Obugger’s funny money to pay off their deficits and remodel historic properties and build turtle tunnels).”

An informal poll by Dr. Dave Reports, however, has revealed a startling spike in several indicators that point to the president’s popularity pretty much going down the toilet, where he’s been dragging the rest of the country for 6 months.

Google searches for the terms “Obama is an ass man” and “Obama is a thief” and “Obama is a liar,” fortunately, are WAY up, our informal survey reveals.

“This would indicate that more and more people are starting to realize what a buffoonish ass and unprepared, unqualified, unprofessional loon he is,” said Dr. Dave.

“Obama extortion” also appears to be a very popular Google search term these days.

“That pretty much clinches it for me,” Dr. Dave said. “I can’t think of a more appropriate term to describe this president than ‘extortionist,’ what with him reading the following threats daily (now) from VTOTUS: ‘we cannot afford to do nothing ... the status quo is unacceptable ... this WILL get passed.’”

h/t: Bishop Gregori, for pointing out the Daily Extortion remarks.

UPDATE: See? What I said...Obugger's cool is wearing thin.

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Googling “Economic Depression” Way Down, “Obama Is a Liar” Way Up

FAIL! FAIL! FAIL!

Reportage and commentary by Gonzo First Dog Bo

The situation’s become pretty hairy. I think they may be coming unglued. The president’s always talking about wearing one of Phil Spector’s old shock wigs and seeing if anyone recognizes him. Geithner’s been running around marveling about how cool it is that America now has the historical distinction of employing more czars than the Russian Empire. TOTUS, meanwhile, stands over in the corner blasting FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! across his screen every 5 minutes.

I’ve been thinking of tucking a tube of mace under my collar. I may have to start dumping Patrón in my water bowl soon. I’m convinced they have no idea how deeply they’re digging themselves.

This afternoon’s economic “summit” was no different. We were in the usual place, the Oval Office, with the usual gang, Hussein (it’s cool to say his middle name now) and Rhambo and Geithner and Biden and even Gibbsy (whose constant drooling is really starting to get on my nerves).

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Gibbsy,” Hussein says, his feet propped on his desk, the soles of his shoes pointing toward Israel. (He’s been doing this all day since he found out it stirred up the Israelis, almost habitually, like he’s wondering if they can really see him.) “I heard that right about the time I was on the phone disrespecting Bibi the other day Rush was making this joke: ‘What do Obama and God have in common? Neither has a birth certificate. How do they differ? God does not think he's Obama.’

“I don’t get it. Why would he say a thing like that?”

“He thinks he’s Letterman, sir,” Gibbsy says, wiping a thin trail of drool dangling from his mouth.

“Well, that’s just awful,” Hussein said. “Letterman’s such a funny guy. Him and Jon Stewart…they’re such great supporters these days.” He suddenly blurts out: “You know I wanted to be a comedian back in Indonesia, but they told me Muslim goat humor wouldn’t get me to the White House. Yuck Yuck Yuck.”

“Mr. President,” Rhambo says, his snake eyes narrowing to slits: “It didn’t. I really think we should probably stick to the economy.”

“Right, right,” the president says, taking his feet down from the desk and straightening his tie and intertwining his fingers before him, the serious man now. “We have a lot of work to do, gentlemen. What’s the story,” he asks, hunched forward, slowly panning the room with his beatific gaze.

“Well, sir….SLURRRRRRPPP…we have some problems. Unemployment numbers are ….SLURRRRRRPPP…out and, well, it’s up to 9.4%,” Gibbsy says, wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

The president shakes his head violently back and forth and leans back in his chair and purses his lips. “I thought we said it would never get that high; why that’s doomsday scenario for us, isn’t it Tim?”

“Yes, Mr. President,” Geithner says through his teeth as he gnaws on a hangnail with the rhythm of a jackhammer….dthdthdthdthdth… dthdthdthdthdth… dthdthdthdthdth. He stops and looks right at the president. “And some folks out there are pretty sure that Stimulus is a failure, precisely because we’re beyond the doomsday unemployment figures and the money just doesn’t seem to be helping (not that we’ve really released that much). Since that bill passed, 1.6 million people have joined the unemployment rolls, sir.”

“If things get any worse, you’re looking at double-digit unemployment, a presidency killer,” Rhambo says, his forked tongue darting out to sample the scent of the mood in the room.

In the corner, TOTUS shivers and flashes FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! across his screen. No one pays him any mind.

“Well, haven’t we ‘saved or created’ 150,000 jobs?” the president fires back at Rhambo, the same look Michelle gave Bruni the other day crossing his face.

(I start to think I should have brought that mace. I mean, really, just how many times in history has a president been maced? I’m betting not many. Probably none by his dog. It could get interesting around here one of these days. I make a note to definitely check with my dealer later.)

“We’ve just got to spend that Stimulus money faster,” the president says, waving a hand at Rhambo. “And have Congress spend less. And get Kenneth Feinberg, our new pay czar, to get the corporations to spend less on their executives. Oh, and maybe we’ll just have to borrow a little more than a few billion for health care. Really, sometimes I think I’m the only one standing here between the country’s survival and the pitchforks. Without me, I swear we’ll be bulldozing all of the cities.”

He looks around the room again for approval.

(I’ve spent enough time around him since I came here during Easter to know he’s very insecure. He needs love and attention, someone to take him for a walk now and then and scratch behind his ears and tell him he’s a good boy and give him a treat, even when he’s completely off his rocker.)


“That’s right, Mr. President, you are The One,” Gibbsy says… SLURRRRRRPPP.

“Indeed,” Rhambo says, his tongue smelling the air again.

“You’re the man!” Biden says, ogling the cover of the most recent issue of Family Circle in his hands.

Hussein continues: “Joe…haven’t we been saying that Stimulus is a complete success, that it’s going to be a long, hard road to recovery, yes, but we’re gaining ground? Isn’t that what we’ve been saying?”

“Hey, man, don’t ask me, this is all above my pay grade,” Biden says, flipping his magazine open and turning it sideways and frowning. “Hey…where’s the centerfold?”

“Yeah…um…right. Sorry, Joe.” Hussein looks up at the ceiling, as if he were trying to call on Allah, then lowers his gaze to the room and starts his favorite monologue, the whine in his voice creeping higher and higher with every word: “Look, people keep saying I want the government to run everything. I DON’T! I don't want to run auto companies, and I don't want to run banks. I've got two wars I've got to run already. I’ve got North Korea. I've got more than enough to do. But with all this trouble, government’s the only resource with the power to fix things.”

He finishes and looks around the room for approval, and, on cue, everyone bursts into laughter.

“I LOVE IT when you tell the press that joke, sir,” Biden says, laughing and laughing and laughing.

In the corner, TOTUS still flashes FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! across his screen, and everyone still ignores him.

“Yeah, sometimes I can hardly contain myself,” the president says, beaming.

“Alright…alright…hold on now. Let’s get serious: It’s time to ask: WWJCD?”

“What would Jesus Christ do?” Gibbsy says, his mouth suddenly closed, the drool gone, his eyes wide, as if he’s just heard the craziest thing ever.

“NO!” The president shouts. “Gibbsy, how many times do I have to tell you? We don’t say that name anymore. WWJCD stands for: What Would Jimmy Carter Do?”

“He’d run off to monitor fixed elections in Iran,” Rhambo says.

“He’d lead us into stagflation,” Biden says, looking up from his magazine and flashing his goofy smile.

“I think we’re already heading there,” Geithner says in agreement.

“Yeah, maybe. But here’s the thing.” The president lowers his voice, almost to a whisper, as if people who voted for him were nearby and wouldn’t like what he was about to say. “You know, I read the other day the economy in Washington is booming, that unemployment has shrunk to 5.6%, that college grads are shunning Wall Street and coming here instead.”

“Well, sir. That’s because about half of the jobs you’ve ‘saved or created’ are government jobs,” Rhambo says, hissing.

“I know,” the president says, smiling. He’s so pleased his ears seem to wiggle. Not for the first time since I’ve been here, I resist the urge to bite one. “That’s my point. Why don’t we just take a stake in everything?”

Life starts to color Rhambo’s cold-blooded, dead-fish face. He smiles, his forked tongue curling with delight.

“Why don’t we just go out and force the public and private business that are on the brink of collapse -- which is pretty much everyone, at this point -- into government protection. Let’s forget about small numbers, like a few million. Let’s save and create 150 million jobs through government takeover.” The president, so pleased with his plan, stands and smacks his hands together, the loud POP! jolting Biden awake, who’d fallen into a bit of a nap, his Family Circle apparently too deep for afternoon reading.

“The only thing that’s still not clear to me is how are we going to pay for it all.” The president looks way in thought.

“PAY?” Geithner and Rhambo and Biden and even Gibbsy (normally a little slow on the uptake) all say, in unison before starting a chorus of laughter (real, this time).

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

“We don’t PAY, sir,” Rhambo says. “The TAXPAYER pays! Remember? Crisis is…”

“Opportunity,” the president finishes and smiles like a loon.

I shake my head, pretending I have an itch in one of my ears. You simpleton megalomaniac, I think. You’re digging your own political grave, and taking the country down with you. Out of the side of one eye, I see TOTUS in the corner, wobbling back and forth, so violently, now, I don’t even have to turn my head all the way around to see his screen:

FAIL! FAIL! FAIL!

This satire is cross-posted at Smart Girl Nation and The American TEA Party.

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FAIL! FAIL! FAIL!

U.S. Economy Shrinks at 6.1 Percent in Q1

I think that pretty much sums up the success of b. Hussein's first 100 days.

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U.S. Economy Shrinks at 6.1 Percent in Q1

Unemployment Olympics

In honor of April Fool's day, I'm posting only real news today (what a friggin' concept).

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Unemployment Olympics

I AM THE GWWEAT BAAWWNEY FWWANK! And I WIWL Be CEO of Cowwpwwate Amewwica

(Baawwney, on his lunch bweak with Fannie and Fweddie)

I AM THE GWWEAT BAAWWNEY FWWANK! You will bow down befowwe me and wowwship at the altaww of my incwwwediblenesssss!



As an egg in my Mommy’s utewussss, I wanted to be a CEO. But then the embwwyo became impwwegnated by my no-good DaDa and spwwit. My genes began to wwepwwicate and mutate and fowm my pwedetewwmined wife handicap, the man I was meant to be, the biwwfth defect that gave me the tewible disease I wiv wiv day in and day and endeavoww to dewiva unto you: Congwwessional Megawwomania.



I AM THE GWWEAT BAAWWNEY FWWANK! You will bow down befowwe me and wowwship at the altaww of my incwwwediblenesssss!



And now, in this age of The Gwweat Govewwwnment under the pwwotection of The One, Twwue Messiah, I finawwwy have it, my dwweam, to be a CEO. With the Pay fow Pofowwmance Act of 2009, I heawwby declawwe that I, THE GWWEAT BAAWWNEY FWWANK!, will be CEO of cowwpwwate Amewwica. I will pwohibit unweasonable and excessive pay and compensation not based on pofowwmance standards, incwuding weguwar pay, bonuses, comp time, ovewtime, insuwance pwremiums, 401K matches, stock options (HA!…YOU CAN BET, you won’t be getting ANY!), bafwoom time, wunch time, and smoke bweak time for ALL EMPWOYEES of companies that accept govewnment money (then we’wl move on and nationawize those who don’t!).



Evwewone thinks it wiwl be that tax cheat, Timofy Geifner, in chawge of the bawance sheets, pushing the buttons of youwa daiwy cowwpwwate business, setting youwa pwoduct agenda, pumping up the troops, weeding out the deadweight, wowling back excessive sawawies, waying off dupwication, signing off on the puwchase of discount stapwles, and pwaying the back 9 duwing Vegas junkets just aftoh tanking up at the 19fth hole.



But. NO!



He’s just a figuwa head (weawwy, we now use a stunt double when he needs to be in pubwic, just so he doesn’t say anything mowa to tank the dowaw in the wowld mawket). I am his Shadow CEO. The WEAL FOWCE behind the cowwpwwate Amewwica of tomowwow!



I AM THE GWWEAT BAAWWNEY FWWANK! You will bow down befowwe me and wowwship at the altaww of my incwwwediblenesssss!



Oh… and I have this weawwy gwweat add on Cwaig’s List. Just search for “Fannie Mae and Fweddie Mac Awe Fine.” Cawl and weave a message, sweetie!

UPDATE I: Oh, man. I told you this idiot Geifner needed a double.

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I AM THE GWWEAT BAAWWNEY FWWANK! And I WIWL Be CEO of Cowwpwwate Amewwica

Robert Gibbs Moment o' the Day: Government Motors

A series on the daily press briefings of b. Hussein's rumbling, bumbling, fumbling, stumbling Press Secretary Robert "Ahhhhh" Gibbs....

Blah...blah...blah...deadline....blah...blah...blah...we want to be in the car business...blah...blah...blah...government takeover...blah..blah...blah...I don't think I said "ahh" nearly enough during this press briefing today.



UPDATE: For an enhanced view on this subject, check out Exurban League's President Goodwrench:


UPDATE II: And for a more sobering view on the subject, "starting today, the United States government will stand behind your warrantee."

UPDATE III: Which begs the question...who thinks he's the friggin' "decider" now?

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Robert Gibbs Moment o' the Day: Government Motors

You Are Getting Sleepy, Verrryyy Sleepy – Now, BUY MORE STOCK!

Go figure. Our arrogant supreme being of “super intelligence,” otherwise known as the President of the United States, also dabbles in financial advice.

As the Dow Jones dropped yet again, particularly when b. Hussein spoke to reporters this afternoon after huddling with British PM Gordon Jowls Brown to plot a global economic resurgence (takeover?) with their naughty little fetish, the AmeriEuro, the Great Hypnotist proclaimed that stocks are becoming a “potentially good deal” for those willing to hitch up their britches (since they’re home, beltless and unemployed, anyway) and think long term.

Like he is.

At a time when (real) financial advisers are telling people to stay in the market -- BUT make smarter investments (such as tax-free bonds and gold) -- it’s as if b. Hussein, in his sudden new career as Financial Wizard-in-Chief, either is about as dumb as the MSM used to claim W. was or…well…maybe he just wants the market to tank…more.

Since the beginning of the year, the Dow has lost more than 25%, from 9034 on January 2 to today’s close of 6726…a weight-watcher’s dream, a stock-owner’s nightmare (particularly one who is retired or nearing retirement). This is AFTER b. Hussein inherited a year-old recession. The Confident One, naturally, shrugs off such obvious evidence of investor discontent (that’d be from you and me, the people losing our shirts and underpants) with arrogance that borders on friggin’ insult:

The market is sort of like a tracking poll in politics. It bobs up and down, day to day, and if you spend all your time worrying about that, then you're probably going to get the long-term strategy wrong.

Like he is.

While I’m no financial wizard, I’ll bet ole b. Hussein knows a lot about bobbing up and down. And I don’t need to be a financial wizard, or grand hypnotist, to know a crock of (Grade A, Chicagoland) shit when I see and hear it. The WSJ doesn’t either:

The market has notably plunged since Mr. Obama introduced his budget last week, and that should be no surprise. The document was a declaration of hostility toward capitalists across the economy. Health-care stocks have dived on fears of new government mandates and price controls. Private lenders to students have been told they're no longer wanted. Anyone who uses carbon energy has been warned to expect a huge tax increase from cap and trade. And every risk-taker and investor now knows that another tax increase will slam the economy in 2011, unless Mr. Obama lets Speaker Nancy Pelosi impose one even earlier.

Yes, while the market plunges, Goldmember, after a month of speaking little but doom and gloom and malaise to help stocks shudder to a halt, suddenly rams it up our wazoos, as our 401ks dwindle to about 50% of their recent value, getting all Hope-y (like before he had a chance to be the Pres) once again in his rhetoric:

I'm absolutely confident that credit is going to be flowing again, that businesses are going to start seeing opportunities for investment. They're going to start hiring again. People are going to be back to work.

[Presumably after you’re out of office, and we roll back your harlotry, you whore.]

His Genius’ absolute confidence banks, naturally, on bailing out bad mortgages [SATIRE ALERT] made by pressured lenders to bad borrowers as a direct result of government policy.

His Genius’ absolute confidence banks, naturally, on watching cash-strapped (and government-financed) AIG beg for more billions…billions. And it may get worse, much worse, says Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke.

His Genius’ absolute confidence banks, naturally, on rolling back the Bush tax cuts for most Americans and rolling out tax gifts for those who don’t pay any tax at all and tax hikes for the very people with the capital (as in, by their hard work NOT made by the government at the whim of a nitwit) to get the economy moving again, by hiring the unemployed, restarting crippled factories, restoring consumer confidence, and spreading entrepreneurial energy into all aspects of society.

His Genius’ absolute confidence banks, naturally, on the Clintonesque doublespeak of Clueless Tax Cheat Treasurer Tim Geithner, who, like a deranged lunatic, claims that b. Hussein’s Guinness Book of World Records $3.55 trillion budget for 2010, which actually swells the “projected” national debt to $23 trillion, will reduce the federal deficit.

His Genius’ absolute confidence banks, naturally, on such statements as this: "We are cleaning up a mess," b. Hussein’s Bumbling Idiot Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said today. "It's going to be sort of full of fits and starts in terms of getting the mess cleaned up, but it's going to get cleaned up."

To me, that’s a statement of opportunity, if you will, an anti-statement, an acknowledgment that this is a free-for-all, a “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine,” by the Democrats – an admission that this truly is…The Obama Economy.

And I have a sneaking suspicion b. Hussein wants you to buy more now so – as the market plummets and plummets and plummets…another 700 points? another 1000? another 1700? more? – he sits back, smirks arrogantly (as the MSM used to say of W.), and watches chaos unfold.

And maybe then he’ll have us right where he (and the Democrats) wants us.

UPDATE: Hmm...the fastest Dow slide for a new pres in nearly a century. But it's all W's fault!

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You Are Getting Sleepy, Verrryyy Sleepy – Now, BUY MORE STOCK!

Blame the Zombies…NOT the Bankers

GEORGE BAILEY!!!! If you don't give that nice young family a "creative loan" for this megamillion house...I WILL RIP OFF YOUR HEAD AND EAT YOUR BRAINS...RIGHT NOW!

Thomas Sowell tells a fascinating tale on today’s unfurling economic disaster. He digs deep and finds the roots starting way back in the era of the last gloom and doom and malaise administration, the Carter White House:

The Community Reinvestment Act of 1977 directed federal regulatory agencies to "encourage" banks and other lending institutions "to help meet the credit needs of the local communities in which they are chartered consistent with the safe and sound operation of such institutions."

That sounds pretty innocent and, in fact, it had little effect for more than a decade. However, its premise was that bureaucrats and politicians know where loans should go, better than people who are in the business of making loans.

The real potential of that premise became apparent in the 1990s, when the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) imposed a requirement that mortgage lenders demonstrate with hard data that they were meeting their responsibilities under the Community Reinvestment Act.

What HUD wanted were numbers showing that mortgage loans were being made to low-income and moderate-income people on a scale that HUD expected, even if this required "innovative or flexible" mortgage eligibility standards.

HUD and the Department of Justice began suing mortgage lenders to force them to lend to these low- and moderate-income applicants (yes, there’s a racial undertone here to the government’s goal…but of course!). Government regulators, naturally, then began refusing to approve business decisions that required regulatory sign off for these lenders if they were under (government) investigation for not anteing up good stats on loans for low-income or minority home-wanters.

That pressure grew under the Clinton and Bush administrations, and the inevitable friggin' asinine result was:

Mortgage loans with no down payment, no income verification and other "creative" financial arrangements abounded. Although this was done under pressures begun in the name of the poor and minorities, people who were neither could also get these mortgage loans.

With the relaxed lending standards, just about anyone could have that million dollar home with a bit of creative financing -- that would then balloon to an unsustainable payment in the very near future.

Naturally (Hello, McFly!)...the bottom fell out -- and the people who bought overpriced homes without the means to pay for them in the first place defaulted on their mortgages, one after the other after the other.

Hello...financial disaster. Credit crunch. Business shrinkage (and failure). Layoffs...and more loan default.

Way to Go, federal government!

So when people go around blaming “greedy bankers” for today’s economic crisis (by “people,” of course I mean Zombies…otherwise known as Democrats), claiming that government intervention is the only way to fix the problem, we should remember their melodrama as being every bit as pointless (yet entertaining, in a "you are so silly" sort of way) as Jim Carrey’s classic Liar Liar scene (parodied beautifully here by Family Guy’s Peter Griffin):

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Blame the Zombies…NOT the Bankers

National Bank of Obama, Reprise

I just friggin' HATE it when I'm onto something. (Please! I hope his subject doesn't become my weekly Sunday sermon.)

It makes me think all the grumpy crap I spew here actually means something. Don't get me wrong. I DON'T WANT IT TO! I'm going for nothing more than fanciful half-assed attempts to entertain a group of people (that'd be you 58+ million NObama voters and some of you 62 million Obama voters who...hopefully...someday come to your senses) that I spit out during 4 martinis.

Oh, hell. Full disclosure: I'm just jagging you...I SO friggin' want it all to be true (so that I look all cool and smart and get famous and shit), because that's what I'm supposed to say.

But it really isn't the truth.... The ACTUAL truth is really going to hurt these next 4 years (let's look forward to a little "hope and change" beyond then, shall we?).

I don't think he can win, no matter what The Messiah does (and if they ask me to pray for him during Sunday mass one more friggin' time, I swear I'm going to scream out "Jimmy Hoffa IS ALIVE!" just so they throw me out):

Nationalizing the banks. We tried that once...Thomas Jefferson pointed out how it's not even Constitutional. NOT that such trivialities friggin' matter anymore.

Creating a government-owned "bad bank" to take the toxic assets off of the bank's balance sheet. Yeah...that's a real great solution. Take on so much debt we'll never recover. That's a real bright idea.

Continuing the Bush Administration rescue plan of pumping in taxpayer money on an as-needed basis. I've been against this one all along: "Money, get back. I'm all right jack keep your hands off of my stack." If TARP has cost us this much so far...when will it ever friggin' end if we go on and on and on with this crap? Why...it friggin' won't.

It's a gawd. Awful. Mess.

BUT...

When you look at whacked statements such as this:

A nationalization plan would likely wipe out all shareholder equity, including the preferred shares, and turn ownership of the banks over to Uncle Sam. (I'm fine if Uncle Sam...which, right now, happens to be the "preferred shareholder"...gets less money...but what about your average shareholder...you and me?)

And this crap:

"If you took a nationalization policy, you would at least create some degree of certainty because now you know the government is going to stand behind these institutions," said Kevin Jacques, 49, a former economist with the Treasury Department. Gov't stand BEHIND something? I get real friggin' worried when the gov't is standing behind me. Don't you Kevin? That's why the Founders gave us this.

And this insanity...

It's really clear. REALLY clear. The National Bank of Obama has a damned friggin' good chance of becoming reality. And I can't even wrap my mind around where it's taking us...but I have a pretty good feeling it's nowhere good.

Guess I better practice my goose step.

Well...that's probably a little strong. Maybe I should just start with, "here are my papers, sir."

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National Bank of Obama, Reprise

The National Bank of Obama

You want a bank you can trust. You want to know your money is safe. You want to feel assured in these uncertain times.

At the National Bank of Obama, your peace of mind is our top friggin’ priority. The storm may be gathering, the sky may be falling, global warming may be freezing your ass off this winter, and the nation may have slipped into economic chaos beyond epic purportions never before seen (except for every other recession), but we at National Bank of Obama have your best interests at heart.

What’s that? Never heard of us before? You should have.

We were going to call ourselves BankofAmerica-CitiGroup-AIG-WellsFargo-JPMorganChase-GeneralMotors-GoldmanSachs-PNC-Bancorp-Chrysler-GMAC-SunTrust-CapitalOne-Regions-FifthThird-AmericanExpress-BB&T-NewYorkMellon-KeyCorp-Comerica-StateStreet-Marshall&Ilsley-NorthernTrust-Zions-HuntingtonBanchshares-Discover-Synovous-et al…[you can breathe, now]…but we didn’t think the name rolled off the tongue too well.

As a prime shareholder of every top financial institution in America, the National Bank of Obama (formerly known as the Federal Reserve and Treasury Department, respectively) seemed a more appropriate name. (We felt the name “BushBanc” wouldn’t be taken too seriously, at home or abroad.) So, with fewer than 48 hours left before the historic inauguration of Barack Hussein Obama as the 44th president of the United States, we’d like to announce the complete annexation and nationalization of every bank in America.

We owe it to our government and you, our citizen-comrades, to provide a firm financial ground for everyone to stand on, since “government…[please take a dramatic pause to complete the re-creation of our Messiah’s proclamation]...is the only way for our economy to survive” these perilous times, because, you know, government has such a long history of balancing budgets and keeping careful watch over the people’s money.

At the National Bank of Obama, we guarantee your retirement, your kid’s education, your checking and savings accounts, your home loans, car loans, credit cards, burial plot, and your life-auto-home-business-health insurance, even your dog insurance. (If you are a freedom-fighter, we’ll gladly provide you with loans that follow shariah lending practices…while charging double interest for non-Muslims to make up the difference.)

Not Muslim and need money? We’ll print it for you…for a small payday loan fee. We do it for ourselves, anyway (except we never pay anything back). Lose your job? We’ll give you a government job…with benefits (including polishing the Messiah’s brass ring). This takeover…umm…consolidation gives us the great financial authority…sorry…opportunity not seen since the early 1800s to control the nation's banking and the 1930s to provide for your well-being. Consider us your kind sugar daddy, your benevolent Henry Potter, your smiling Donald Trump (except we’ll be saying “you’re hired” when we put the unemployed back to work, building bridges, toll roads, and monuments to our most beatific president).

This is only the first step in renewing the promise of America. In the coming months, the National Bank of Obama will fund efforts for renewable energy, stem-cell research, AND we’ll give Mexican illegals access to birth control! Someday soon everyone will even be able to visit their local bank to receive their paycheck, a flu shot, or be put to sleep if they can’t afford to eat any longer!

We’ll make it through these difficult times together. The National Bank of Obama…always there when you need us. (Only card-carrying liberals need apply.)

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The National Bank of Obama