Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Clintoons Dropping the Ball Tonight -- S.O.P.

New York Mayor Mikey Bloomberg picked the perfect couple to drop the ball at Times Square tonight: Bill and Hill Clinton.

They’ve been dropping the ball for a long time. And it's amazing that, on the eve of 2009, they're still around.

The Clintoons dropped the ball on health care reform. We’re still talking about it. Need I say more?

The Clintoons dropped the ball on the 1993 World Trade Center bombing. Al Qaeda (and Osama bin Laden) are still alive and well (no thanks to W. and crew), and the WTC is gone.

The Clintoons dropped the ball on Israel, having pushed for Palestinian sovereignty over Gaza, the West Bank, and the Israeli settlements. That went real well, didn’t it?

The Clintoons dropped the ball on America, after promising the most ethical administration ever. Umm…Vincent Foster, Ron Brown, Marc Rich, Monica Lewinsky, Kathleen Willy and a few hundred thousand others (both dead and alive) might have something to say about that.

The Clintoons dropped the ball on the dictionary. Otherwise, we would have a clearer definition of what the meaning of “is” is.

The Clintoons dropped the ball on all lawyer jokes. A disbarred ex-president can’t be topped.

The Clintoons dropped the ball on the White House. They took souvenirs on the way out the door: presidential seals, silverware…it’s still surprising they didn’t take a limo.

You know the score…it’s neverending.

Happy New Year, America. Let’s hope, while they’re dropping the ball, it falls on them.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Death To All...Juice? What Was He Smoking?

Um...yeah...that's telling it like Way to go, my brother in terrorism (brought to you by Little Green Footballs).

Oh...wait...that's right...I'm not a terrorist. Unless you break into my house. Then you have to mess with that little piece of madness in my profile image. I guess that's sort of what Hamas has been experiencing the last 4 days from the IDF.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Oregon Governor Proposes Breathing Tax

SALEM - With the Oregon economy in shambles and drivers leaving their cars at home in record numbers, the state is trying to shore up a shrinking fund for new roads.

Gov. Ted Kulongoski’s solution? Tax breathing.

That’s right. While thousands of Oregonians are leaving their cars home and, instead, riding public transportation, joining ride-share programs, or just plain working from home, this personally responsible effort to free up more cash for the dinner table has produced two unintended consequences: The state’s transportation fund, which is based on a gas tax, could be facing a future shortfall (Oh, Dear!), and the air of Oregon hasn’t been this clean since the Indians tried to stop the settlers from stealing their tribal lands.

“As Oregonians drive less and breathe more, it is increasingly important that the state find a new way, other than the gas tax, to finance our transportation system,” Kulongoski said today from the state capitol in Salem. “The value of air can never be underestimated. It’s our state’s top export, well, other than homegrown, hemp products, and hops. It’s a natural resource, a commodity. Like any natural resource necessary for survival, it should be taxed.”

Kulongoski wants work to continue on a special task force testing the concept. One idea the governor proposes is issuing to all Oregonians special respirators similar in style to gas masks worn in Nazi Germany by the Hitler Youth. Each mask will be equipped with an oxygen sensor that measures how much a person breathes.

Opponents are all in a huff, warning the respirators would contain technology that works with satellites to transmit the breathing data to government computers, in effect creating a database that tracks not only an individual’s air intake but also their movements.

Jerry Lundegaard, editor of the Albany Democrat Herald, wrote in his blog today:

“My primary gripe with the breathing tax is that it’s a poorly thought-out concept that seems to punish people for not only trying to breathe so they can stay alive but also trying to save money and reduce their dependence on foreign oil. It's just plain stupid. What if I were a 400-pound, 5-foot-3 guy who could barely breathe? Why should I be on the hook for as much as someone who can run a marathon and has twice my lung capacity?”

Not-surprisingly (for the Northwest), a growing number of people are breathing calmly about the idea.

“We love our state, we love good roads, we love civilization, and we love our governor,” said Billy Dupree, president of the Walking Oregonian Dead, a liberal tank of empty skulls that boasts 100-percent membership from the state’s nearly 900,000 registered Democrats (who make up about 42% of voters; Republicans are about 33%, while the rest belong to communes affiliated with thousands of liberal splinter groups, such as, well, the base of the Democratic Party). “If the governor wants to tax us to death so that we can preserve the beautiful roads we have here, we’ll take our masks now, please.”

Thursday, December 25, 2008

I Got Your Thrill Right Here, Chris

Leave it to MSNBC's Chris Matthews, the worst "news show" host on TV -- cable, PPV, or network -- to get the Quote of the Year for this zinger. Sorry, but I don't feel comfortable publishing such filth, even in this lowly place.

Matthews, always a step away from blowing a gasket on TV while pretending to be "hardball" (more like hard up), uttered his immortal brain fart about, you guessed it, the Messiah.

Other blissfully notable tongue slips include:

The Crush Rush Award for Loathing Limbaugh
Author/humorist P.J. O’Rourke: "It’s the twilight of the radio loud-mouth, you know? I knew it from the moment the fat guy [Rush Limbaugh] refused to share his drugs...."
Host Bill Maher: "You mean the OxyContin that he was on?...Why couldn’t he have croaked from it instead of Heath Ledger?" — HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher, February 8.

Madness of King George Award
"When somebody asks you, sir, about the cooked books and faked threats you foisted on a sincere and frightened nation; when somebody asks you, sir, about your gallant, noble, self-abnegating sacrifice of your golf game so as to soothe the families of the war dead; this advice, Mr. Bush: Shut the hell up! Good night and good luck." — MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann in a "Special Comment" on Countdown, May 14.

Barbra Streisand Political IQ Award for Celebrity Vapidity
"If you have a few hundred followers, and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you ‘Pope.’ It’s like, if you can’t pay your mortgage, you’re a deadbeat. But if you can’t pay a million mortgages, you’re Bear Stearns and we bail you out. And that is who the Catholic Church is: the Bear Stearns of organized pedophilia." — Bill Maher on HBO’s Real Time, April 11.
Hey, Bill. By the way...someday I'd like to meet you...and punch you in the friggin' nose, you godless prick.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The Nightmare Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the White House
Every creature was stirring, even Cheney’s spouse;
The bailouts were hung by the chimney without care,
In hopes that St. Bull would soon reappear;
Condi and Paulson were tossing and turning in their beds,
Because The Bitch and Geithner pointed shotguns at their heads;
And Laura in her ‘kerchief, and I in my dunce cap,
Had just settled down for one of my last presidential naps,
When out on the lawn there was a big friggin’ shriek,
I sprang from the bed to see who was hating me this week.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
And tore open the shutters to see this guy smoking hash.
His bare chest was all shaven and he wore a maniacal grin,
It was clear he was already trying to move right in.
There behind him stood the ugliest bunch of idiots, everyone,
Looking amazingly similar to the losers I’d tossed out in 2001,
The hash-smoker, all crazy-eyed and pretentious, carried a big stick,
I knew in a moment it must be That Dick.
More dirty than Blago his handlers they came,
And he prattled on about “hope and change” as he called them by name;
“Now, Rahmbo! Now, Hitlery! Now, Podesta and Biden!
On, Daschle! On Hilda! On, Vilsack and Richardson!
To the top of the porch! And inside the Oval Office!
Now dash on away! dash away! dash away all you Republicans!”
With a dry, hangover-coated mouth,
I grabbed Laura and quickly headed south,
And then in came the Messiah pushing us out of the door,
Even kicked ole Cheney in the pacemaker and threw him on the floor.
And then, in a twinkling, I think I heard him zip down his fly,
And urinate all over this great country, because his time had arrived.
But I heard him exclaim before they slammed the door in my face,
“You’d all better rejoice now, the good times end tomorrow, post haste.”

Monday, December 22, 2008

God Cancels Christmas for U.S.

HEAVEN - In a stunning development, God canceled Christmas today.

Issuing a proclamation to the heads of the major U.S. churches and to the U.S. government, God suspended all Christmas activities in America for one year:
I have watched with growing impatience as Americans absorb themselves with trivial financial matters and fancy cars and big homes and long protracted wars and little blue pills that allow them to mate for hours. They abort pregnancies and use government policies to protect this terrible practice and elect leaders either with the fear of God but no brains and terrible execution or with no fear of God or birth certificate and an alarming sense of self-historical-importance. They develop online drawing games that prohibit children from typing my name into them so as to indoctrinate entire generations of non-believers, allow bloggers to use my name in vain (without a license, too), and eradicate all mention of the true meaning of the season, reducing 2,000 years of Christian celebration of joy to a Hallmark slogan, “Happy Holidays.”

I have consulted with SantaCorp, and since they have not received support from the U.S. Congress to continue operations, I have come up with what, I believe, is a fair and equitable solution for all.

I will NOT send a flood, although, by rights, I have quite enough reason to wash the entire planet clean once again. Instead, I hereby proclaim Christmas to be canceled in America for one year. All children scheduled to participate in Christmas Eve pageants and vigils and Christmas Day jubilees are hereby released from their duties. All churches of all denominations will be closed for one week. They will reopen a week from today and immediately institute only a program of reconciliation for all members, until further notice.

Non-believers, I will send emissaries to help wean you off government and marketing dependency. What you do with your thoughts after you clean yourselves up is of your own choosing.

If I see improvement by next December, I will reopen Christmas…and leave its future in your hands.
The proclamation said nothing of the status of Christmas in other countries.

“He didn’t need to,” said ABC religious expert Father Billy Flanagan. “It’s perfectly acceptable in other countries for Christmas to be nothing more than a time to worship the state. It’s always erroneously been America’s 'right' to celebrate Christmas, at least that’s what they say at Trinity Church. And I’m in agreement.”

President George W. Bush declined to comment for this article. A well-placed source in the Bush administration said the president was astonished when he heard the news. “How did it come to this,” he reportedly said.

“It’s not his fault,” the source said. “This has been coming for a long time. We all knew it would happen at some point. The season has been slipping for years. I guess this past fall’s events, the financial crash, the election, Barney Frank apparently getting into the Senate, for goodness sake…it must have all been just too much for God to keep his silence any longer.”

Anthony Romero, head of the American Civil Liberties Union, rejoiced at the news. “It’s about friggin’ time,” he said. “This is the happiest holiday season ever! Man…I don’t have to watch George Bailey on TV. I don’t have to see the bellringers outside Wal-Mart. I don’t have to fume at the wreaths at City Hall. I don’t have to hear the silly songs in Starbucks. I’m gonna throw a party all day long on December 25…you can come…and bring your girlfriends…and your boyfriends…we’re gonna have a happy, happy, heathen-mas.”

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Pakistani Commuter Train Promises Virgins and Clean Air on Earth

ISLAMABAD - Pakistan Railway today unveiled an innovative locomotive that may go a long way toward turning the tide against the world’s climate change problems.

The Osama, a remarkable train with external seating and standing room for commuters, can carry an average of 72 people per square foot. Named after popular terrorist Osama bin Laden, the train was designed to improve relations among terrorists and capitalists, while serving a greater good for the environment.

“As a bridge between martyrdom and claiming 72 virgins in heaven, and the capitalist dog’s reckless pursuit of societal degradation and environmental ruination, we built this masterpiece. Now, we can have our 72 'virgins' here on Earth, provided they purchase a ticket and sign an agreement not to tell their husbands, brothers, and fathers of their vile actions, and the American dog can use our trains in their own country instead of pumping noxious filth into the air from their oil-fed automobiles,” said Imram Raza Hasni, supreme commander of Pakistan Railway, the country’s national rail service.

The trains are equipped with seats on top of each engine and commuter car, along with steps and handrails every 3 inches along the sides and front. A recent test run of the prototype from Islamabad, the capital of Pakistan, to Karachi, a resort city on the Arabian Sea, carried nearly 10,000 passengers without incident, except for a few minor problems in which some external passengers were stoned to death by locals waiting to cross the tracks to their poppy fields.

Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari called the train the eighth wonder of the world. “We will surely earn a place in heaven for all Pakistanis and smote our Indian neighbors into abject poverty with this ingenious innovation, as we will sell it to every nation on Earth EXCEPT India.”

Orders were reportedly filing in today to the Pakistan Railway manufacturing facility in bin Laden-friendly Peshawar from most of the major U.S. railways, including the federally-owned Amtrak, NorFolkin' Way in Virginia, and Atlanta's BR549 Railway.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, speaking on behalf of the major oil-producing nations, called the train an obamination. “This is a direct attempt to influence America against the purchase of petroleum, our livelihood. I now present Pakistan with the choice between being overrun by more than 1 billion starving Indians or being the new home of the Israeli, after we force the Zionists from Jerusalem.”

Reports indicate that Iran has begun aiming some Ashura MRBM missiles, previously aimed at Israel and capable of reaching Washington if hijacked by Somali pirates and sold to Russian warships heading to Cuba for the good weather, at Islamabad.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

W. Dodges Shoes Better than Charles Barkley

Charles Barkley, whose mouth is sometimes bigger than a president's influence, just doesn't seem to have the reflexes of George W. Bush when it comes to dodging shoes. And Barkley was an so much as someone nicknamed the Round Mound of Rebound can be called an athlete.

From TNT's Thugball daily wrapup:


Congress Screws Constituents Yet Again

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With a tough economy leading to dwindling kickbacks from lobbyists and declining favors from key muscle figures back home, Congress secretly voted last week to give themselves raises.

Each member of Congress will get an extra $100,000 next year, a free pass for one on any Atlantis Events cruise, and a lottery ticket to be the first to kiss the ring of President-Elect Barack Obama on inauguration day. Democrats, the majority party in Washington, will receive an extra bonus, the number to Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich’s personal, unbugged phone line.

“I dread looking at Wall Street,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, in anticipation of Monday’s stock market reaction. “But…what the hell…CC Sabathia gets $9 million to play for the Yankees…before even throwing one pitch. It’s Christmas. And we serve a much more important function than any sporting entertainment. We deserve this.”

After a year in which the Dow lost nearly 4,000 points, the national debt is surging toward $11 trillion, Congress approved a $700 billion bailout for the financial industry (then got mad at themselves for doing it), and automakers Chrysler and General Motors received a $15 billion bailout from the Bush administration after Congress declined to award one (perhaps so they could pay themselves?), some watchdog groups are not happy about the raises.

“As lawmakers make a big show of forcing auto executives to accept just $1 a year in salary, they are quietly raiding the vault for their own personal gain,” said Rip O’Toole, chairman of The Vocal Old Guys League, a non-partisan group. “This money would be much better spent helping the millions of seniors who were conned into blowing their retirement on the promise of equitable IRAs and stock investments lasting well beyond their lifetimes.”

Jerry Nicklepockets, vice president of the budget watchdog Taxpayers for Government with a Shred of Common Sense, said Congress should have taken the rare step of freezing its pay, as lawmakers did in 2000.

“Look at the way the economy is and how most people aren’t counting on a holiday bonus or a pay raise — they’re just happy to be stuck in meaningless jobs for another year and be able to enjoy college bowl games over the holidays on their HDTVs,” he said. “But you have lawmakers who are set up to get a pay raise and go happily along their way. What really burns me is the free pass on any Atlantis Events cruise. I mean, c’mon. We all know members of Congress are prostitutes, but do they really have to flaunt their gayness so openly, too?”

Nikki Fourfingers, president of the Government Employees Union Local #267, which represents Congress, said the raise was on par with union governing brethren worldwide. “This is a solidarity issue. Members of Congress are not about to make any givebacks, even though the economy is bad. The taxpayer will just have to live with it. And like it. Or else.”

In 1789, Congress received just $6 a day, which amounts to about $75 a day by today’s standards. Currently the average star lawmaker, such as House speaker Nanci Pelosi, makes $4 million a year. The minimum salary for Congress members is about $600,000, established in a new union contract after members went on strike for much of 2002.

Rep. Harry Mitchell, a first-term Democrat from Arizona, did sponsor legislation earlier this year that would have prevented automatic pay adjustments from kicking in for Congress next year. But the bill, which attracted zero cosponsors (although then-Sen. Hillary Clinton said she’d sponsor a similar bill in the Senate if Mitchell agreed to write in a raise for the secretary of state), failed to make it out of committee.

Mitchell was later stoned to death for breaking union ranks.

Financial swindler Bernard Madoff has offered to fund the increased Congressional salaries through his Ponzi scheme in exchange for a $50 billion government bailout to pay back the millionaires to whom he owes $50 billion. The government is said to be demanding ownership in his investment firm as part of any agreement.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Iowahawk…Where The Hell Have I Been?

I guess I’ve been stuck inside the government’s ass for 5 years and just fell out because, before today, I’d never heard of Iowahawk. Then this popped into my e-mail inbox (without attribution, of course):
It's in the way you dress. The way you boogie down. The way you sign your unemployment check. You're a man who likes to do things your own way. And on those special odd-numbered Saturdays when driving is permitted, you want it in your car. It's that special feeling of a zero-emissions wind at your back and a road ahead meandering with possibilities. The kind of feeling you get behind the wheel of the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition from Congressional Motors.

All new for 2012, the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition is the mandatory American car so advanced it took $100 billion and an entire Congress to design it. We started with same reliable 7-way hybrid ethanol-biodeisel-electric-clean coal-wind-solar-pedal power plant behind the base model Pelosi, but packed it with extra oomph and the sassy styling pizazz that tells the world that 1974 Detroit is back again -- with a vengeance.

We've subsidized the features you want and taxed away the rest. With its advanced Al Gore-designed V-3 under the hood pumping out 22.5 thumping, carbon-neutral ponies of Detroit muscle, you'll never be late for the Disco or the Day Labor Shelter. Engage the pedal drive or strap on the optional jumbo mizzenmast, and the GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition easily exceeds 2016 CAFE mileage standards. At an estimated 268 MPG, that's a savings of nearly $1800 per week in fuel cost over the 2011 Pelosi.

Even with increased performance we didn't skimp on safety. With 11-point passenger racing harnesses, 15-way airbags, and mandatory hockey helmet, you'll have the security knowing that you could survive a 45 MPH collision even if the GTxi SS/Rt were capable of that kind of illegal speed.
A quick Google search brought me to this post on his site. I’m forever changed. Not like Obama change, not perceived change, nor implied change, or, more correctly, deceived change.

Up until today, I was enjoying my novice blogging over the past 2 months as a refreshing distraction from life, work, and the pursuit of … a mortgage payment? I thought I was a little bit funny and was certainly laughing to myself as I wrote little digs about entertainers, politicians, and failed business leaders.

But after spending 5 minutes on Iowahawk’s site today…and then a few more hours this evening, I am…simply…changed. His site is the funniest thing I have ever read, from his posts to his artwork to his section tags to his self-deprecation.

He’s the whole package; I’m a five-year-old just learning how to tell a joke. And for the rest of my life, now, I can’t help but imitate his work.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Camelot Princess Moves Right ... to D.C.

Completely unpredictable, unfathomable, and unprecedented, Caroline Kennedy, daughter of assassinated President John F. Kennedy, will seek the open junior New York U.S. Senate seat.

She immediately becomes the front runner, edging out fellow Democrat and philanderer William Jefferson Clinton (a former U.S. president, some time ago, when life was more innocent and...ahem...pure) and a host of no names among as many as 12 candidates to fill the seat vacated by Hillary Clinton.

Republican (in name only) Mayor of New York Michael Bloomberg immediately declared her the winner. “There’s no need for debate here. Caroline’s our man. Really, she is mannish. She has great governing experience, having been class president in high school. And she has the full support of the City of New York. I’ve even waved her iPod tax!”

Kennedy also immediately received endorsement from The New York Times (which is seeking a financial bailout on par with the $15 billion being discussed ad naseum for saving the auto industry...until at least Jan. 1).

Her uncle, Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy, said it would be an honor to serve with her.

“She, ah, has the backing of Mass…ah…chussets, and, ah, the Kennedy family. We, ah, think she’ll makea a great, ah, sena…ta. New York will, ah, be very proud to have ha.”

New York Governor David Patterson will appoint the next senator in place of Mrs. Clinton, who has been appointed secretary of state for President-elect Barack Obama.

If selected, Kennedy would serve out the two remaining years of Mrs. Clinton's term then face re-election.

Romo: “T.O. Wears Women’s Underwear”

In a growing feud that threatens to split apart the NFL’s Dallas Cowboys, quarterback Tony Romo revealed yesterday that wide receiver Terrell Owens likes to wear women’s underwear.

“He’s a real sucker for lacy things. You know, thongs, fishnet stockings, garter belts. He was wearing some when we lost to Pittsburgh, but not when we beat up on the Giants,” Romo said yesterday following practice. “I really think he just needs to get back to being a man for this team to continue to win.”

Owens, who has a history of throwing hissy fits at quarterbacks, refused to comment, pouting as he slinked away into the team’s training room. He did appear to be wearing pantyhose, however. And an open Leggs package could be seen on the shelf in his locker.

It’s the latest snit in building tensions in and around the Cowboys lockerroom. Last week, Owens complained that Romo was giving too much love to his road roommate, tight end Jason Witten, preferring to throw the football to Witten over Owens.

[Never mind that the tight end is routinely the check down throw over the middle when a quarterback’s primary targets are covered.]

Owens has since denied those allegations.

Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones laughed the latest incident off. Always able to look at a dead horse and see a potential starting running back, Jones said: “T.O.’s a sensitive guy, but he’s the best receiver in the league. He’ll be fine. A couple of touchdowns against the Ravens this weekend, and he’ll be back to his old self. He’ll probably go shopping at Victoria’s Secret to celebrate. Whatever he does, even if he shoots himself in the leg, I will support him.”

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Meatloaf’s Surprise: Gas To Run Out; Singer Bursts In Response

Outdated rock ‘n roll singer Meatloaf exploded Tuesday after learning he could get better gas mileage by losing weight.

“You’re kidding me!” he said when learning of a University of Illinois study that concluded America will be out of fuel by the end of 2020 if fat people don’t exercise, lose weight, and become generally miserable because they’re no longer fat and content. [Full disclosure: Your stupid narrator is fat and content.]

“Hell, if I had known I could burn more fossil fuels by eating another hamburger a day, I would have done it earlier. But it’s never too late to get fatter!” Meatloaf said, plodding across the street to a McDonald’s.

The singer, famous for albums he didn’t write, such as Bat out of Hell, Bat out of Hell II, and Bat out of Hell III (not that his handlers were obsessed with small rabid nocturnal cave-dwelling creatures, or anything), was later taken to a nearby hospital shortly after hearing the news, because his stomach burst. A TV crew captured this video of the incident:

Meanwhile, the new study by University of Illinois computer science professor Sheldon H. Jacobson and doctoral student Douglas King estimates weight-based fuel consumption will cause the average American vehicle to get less than 10 mpg by the end of the decade. As a result, Americans will buy more and more fuel, as they get fatter and fatter, until the world’s oil reserves run dry by the end of 2020.

It’s a bold prediction, but Jacobson wasn’t backing down from his findings.

“Growing overweight and obesity rates in the United States continue to increase fuel consumption by adding extra passenger weight to vehicles,” said Jacobson, who also is the director of the university’s simulation and optimization laboratory. “More than 1 billion gallons of fuel consumed each year can be attributed to this excess weight. Fat Americans will strip this planet bare of its essential elements, and in another 12 years we’ll be so fat we won’t even be able to walk the billions of miles of empty highways, empty because all of the oil will be gone.”

Oprah Winfrey, celebrity yo-yo dieter now said to be well over 200 pounds (yet again), condemned the study. “I’m fat, and I’m happy. What’s wrong with that?..Oh! and can I say another reason why I’m happy? Barack Obama Won! America, I’M SO HAPPPPPYYYYY!!!!! Oh, yeah, and fat!”

Did I Say "Change" Was Coming?

Former Clinton assistant Betty Currie and Socks, former first-cat.

Change just keeps getting older. John Podesta, Hillary Clinton and…Betty friggin’ Currie?

Yep, the old gang is back together again, with Betty Currie, former personal assistant for Slick Willy, now answering calls for Podesta and President-elect Barack Obama’s transition team. You remember Currie, she's the one special prosecutor Ken Starr grilled so much over Slick's extra-curricular escapades.

But she’s a volunteer now. Really. Just answering phones here and there. Nothing to see here. Just helping out. Move along. No Blagojevich entanglements coming. No Monica Lewinsky surprise around the corner.

Just good old fashioned change. And hope. You know. For the sake of change.


Monday, December 15, 2008

Goofy Reporter Throws Notebook at Bush

An Iraqi journalist tossed his reporter's notebook at U.S. President George W. Bush during a Baghdad news conference Sunday.

"I write crap. We all write crap. Your policies are crap," Muntazer al-Zaidi from Al-Baghdadia channel, which broadcasts from Cairo, said while throwing his notebook at Bush.

The action is considered by most media to be the worst insult they could make -- even worse than reporting outright lies and fabrications as truth. [Editorial Note: This report is an outright lie and fabrication reported as satire.]

Bush nimbly dodged the notebook, then glared back at the gaggle of media and dared others to follow al-Zaidi's lead. "So what if he threw his notebook? Obviously he has no arm if he couldn't hit me from three feet away. I dare any of you Evildoers to try it, too. Go on. I dare ya!"

al-Zaidi was immediately arrested and, luckily (for him), won't be executed, as he would have been when Saddam Hussein was in power.

The incident was applauded by the major TV networks: ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN. Plans are in the works among them to start a daily news feed called "Which Idiot Journalist Got Nutty and Accosted the U.S. President Today," with the hope of carrying the new tradition into reporting on the incoming administration of Barack Obama.


Saturday, December 13, 2008

Sad to See You Go, W...Presidents Just Don't Bring Laughter Like You

Well...I supported him...then damned near gave myself a lobotomy because of it.... W was good for my own introspection into what I really believed: That government is crap by any party. I gonna miss his delivery...


Jones' Big Ass Truck Rental and Storage

When you really need him. He's there. Cheap, too.

"The fact of the matter is, I'm pretty drunk right now. And this is a drunk discount sale."


Friday, December 12, 2008

Obama To Be Homeless in January

In yet another sign of the impending doom the incoming Obama administration faces, President-elect Barack Obama and his family will be homeless for two weeks in January.

The Obamas had asked White House officials if they could be squatters in the Blair House about two weeks before the traditional date so their two daughters could attend their new school when classes resume Jan. 5. [No president-elect has ever moved into the White House with children before, you see.] Obama aides say the White House can’t meet the request because the current administration still has plans for the historic government home across Pennsylvania Avenue from the White House.

“Dick’s got some friends coming up from Texas who want to go hunting in Virginia, and they’re gonna stay in the Blair House,” President George W. Bush said yesterday in the Rose Garden. “Why, even Harry Whittington’s coming, although I’ve been told he’ll be wearing more body armor than a U.S. soldier in Iraq. Hell, we’re here until the 19th. We might as well get our money’s worth.”

Obama's two daughters are planning to attend Sidwell Friends School. Classes start more than a week before the incoming first family could stay at Blair House. An Obama aide said the family will probably just share a cot or two at the 300-bed Franklin shelter, a popular local homeless shelter, so the Chicago-to-Washington transition would be smooth, regardless of living location.

“Lots of people pitch cardboard boxes over heating vents around the city, but the president-elect said he wouldn’t want to interfere with people who already claim those spots,” the spokesman said. “He feels it’s better for the city’s full-time homeless population to stay where they’re more comfortable. He’ll tough it out at the shelter for a couple of weeks.”

It’s another in a long serious of sober awakenings for the incoming president. The economy sucks worse than watching golf (or NASCAR) on HDTV. Obama had to forget about all his liberal friends wanting cabinet posts and hire “conservatives” from the former Clinton administration. A scandal involving Chicago mayor Rod Blagojevich over Obama’s vacated Senate seat threatens to take down Obama’s suddenly silent Chief of Staff Rhambo Emanuel, even before Obama serves a day in office. And Global Warming is now officially Climate Change, with 2008 proving to be the coldest year this century.

That’s not good news for the 9,000 people (many of them veterans) who have nowhere to sleep in the nation’s capital each night, not even those anointed to the court of Camelot II.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Ron Paul: We're in the Midst of Nationalization without a Whimper

And no one's saying "boo." YOU should have been president, Ron.


Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Illinois Governor Tries to Trade Hairdo for Influence

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich (D) was arrested for trying to use his hairdo for political influence.

In taped conversations with advisers, Blagojevich seemed alternately boastful, flippant, and spiteful about his hair, which he likened at one point to that of an entertainment lawyer shopping around a date with Elvis for the steepest price, a federal affidavit said. At times, he weighed aloud keeping his hair all to himself, prosecutors said.

“This is a slick cut, man. It comes down so far it covers where I have ‘I’m Guilty’ burned into my forehead with a hot poker. I’m telling you, if you don’t take my hair, you’re not getting a seat in the U.S. Senate,” Blagojevich, also known as “Gay-Rod,” can be heard saying on a recording released today by federal agents.

Illinoisans awoke today to news that their governor had been arrested, handcuffed, and hauled before a federal magistrate on sweeping charges he conspired to sell his hair many times over — including putting a price on the U.S. Senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama.

Real estate and business mogul and TV game show host Donald Trump is said to have offered the highest price for Blagojevich’s hair. Reportedly, however, Trump also missed the first payment on his bid.

A spokesman for Obama said the next president really didn’t have a need for Blagojevich’s hair. “Frankly, the president-elect is more concerned about where he’s going to sneak a cigarette in a smoke-free zone at the White House than some pompadour pimp heading to prison because he thinks he’s sitting on a golden egg (literally),” said David Axelrod, Obama’s senior adviser. “But, yes, I know he's talked to the governor, and there are a whole range of names that have surfaced, and I think he has a fondness for a lot of them.

“Regardless of the President-elect’s smoking habits, you have to admit that hair could keep a shaved polar bear warm at the North Pole in January, even if the climate is cooling."

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

World’s Oldest Profession Feels Economic Crunch

Despite the adage that vice is recession-proof, even ladies of the evening are falling on hard times these days.

This once proud profession has seen earnings decline for most of 2008. Instead of patronizing many popular establishments, men are reportedly staying home and playing Grand Theft Auto, which features brothels and unsavory night clubs.

Egbert Krumeich, manager of Artemis, the largest brothel in Berlin, said the global recession had dented his revenue by 20% in November, usually peak season for the industry. Meanwhile, in Reno, Nevada, the multimillion-dollar Mustang Ranch recently laid off 30% of its staff, citing a decline in high-spending clients.

“I feel like I no longer have a purpose,” said one laid-off madame. “I’m going to pick up knitting again. Or maybe I’ll start a public company. At least then, I’ll be eligible for a bailout.”

All economic indicators of the health of the industry are down: the rate of STDs is decreasing for the first time in recorded history, Victoria’s Secret and Frederick’s of Hollywood have filed for bankruptcy, and pharmacy giant CVS reported condom purchases were limp in Q3 2008.

Several high-profile prostitutes offered solidarity for the failing profession.

Free-agent major league pitcher CC Sabathia announced he will be turning down a 6-year $140 million offer to play for the New York Yankees. “I cannot, in good conscience, take that much money when the world’s oldest profession is in such dire straights. I’ve contacted the Dodgers, Giants, and Angels, to let them know I’m willing to take $100 million from any of them. It’s the least I can do.”

Former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer said he was forming a charity for the industry. “So many politicians are prostitutes themselves,” he said yesterday. “We should be banding together in this time of need. I’m putting my mouth where I used to put my money. I call on other politicians who patronized brothels in better times to join me.”

Actress Susan Sarandon said: “It’s the damnedest year. The Durham Bulls can’t lose, and I can’t get laid.”

When informed she was being interviewed about the troubled prostitution industry, not one of her old movies, she responded: “I don’t care. It’s still the damnedest year. And I still can’t get laid.”

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Guys Turning Girly at Alarming Pace

It’s official: Guys are doomed to become pansies by the end of the next decade.

A study, to be released tomorrow, indicates that a host of circumstances endangers the male gender, including male body washes, facial ointments, hair and clothing styles, wimpy little “green” cars, anti-smoking laws, and tiny bottles of liquor. The study, backed by some of the world’s leading scientists, warns that all men will lose their masculinity within a decade if the government does nothing to stop it.

“This means no more scratching, hanging out in bars, or fart jokes. And let’s not even discuss skirt chasing. Can you imagine how quickly the population will decline? It’s a dangerous situation. The metrosexual culture is taking over. If we don’t do something to stop it, manhood will be lost forever,” says Al Gore, a former man himself, who wrote the report.

The dangers in the report are not exclusive to male homo sapiens, all of whom Gore would like to see on the endangered species list. The feminization of males has spread to the animal kingdom as well, including polar bears, who are being born with both male and female genitalia at a frightening pace.

“I do have to say, though, that having both genitalia could be very interesting,” Gore added.

Scientists warned yesterday that the mass of evidence added up to a grave warning for both wildlife and humans. Professor Charles Tyler, an expert on endocrine disrupters at the University of Exeter, says that the evidence in the report "set off alarm bells." Whole male populations could be at risk, he said, because their gene pool would be reduced, making them less able to withstand the ability to be “the man of the house,” wear pants, be the breadwinner, and reproduce, exponentially putting them at risk of becoming useful for nothing more than sex slaves.

In response to news of the report, uber manly man Chuck Norris and Pip Cornall, author of much manliness, announced the reformation of the He Man Women Haters Club. Meetings will take place secretly at an undisclosed site yet to be determined.


Saturday, December 6, 2008

The Great 2008 Carmaker Swindle

I'm going off topic today (no humor again):

Let’s just say I have a business behind the times.

I’ve repeatedly ignored requests to make my product cost consumers less money to use and operate. I’ve created products in foreign countries that foreign countries can make better here in America – and sell cheaper. I’ve thrown cash around my business, and burned it, like I had a direct supply to the Federal Reserve.

I’ve propped up union bullshit like “job banks” and “retirement” benefits such as Viagra prescriptions and full health coverage to retirees to the point of impending bankruptcy.

I’ve repeatedly fought government agencies on “cleaner technologies,” even if some of those technologies might be cheaper to make than what I currently offer in my product. (Please suspend your disbelief about “climate change” and man’s ability to affect it, negatively or positively. Please ALSO suspend your disbelief in government programs, mandates, laws, and rip-offs in any shape or fashion, at least for the next few paragraphs.)

I’ve flown expensive, private flights to hearings with government officials who can wipe my ass if I play them right. I’ve pissed said government officials off by not being able to tell them how much taxpayer money I need to keep my business alive for a month, a quarter, a half-year, a year.

I take a couple weeks, throw a few numbers together, and come back to Congress (driving, of course) and tell them the Earth will flatten, the sky will fall, and we’ll all die if taxpayers don’t fork over billions of dollars to keep my flailing business afloat – until I can figure out how to sell it.

I manage to con a lame duck president and a Congress (that makes great boasts of protest against me) to cave in and give my business, which is doomed to tank, $15 billion of your money so I can survive for just a few months longer.

Are you pissed?

Or are you like this author, spending time at the wool factory getting your back sheared because you can't do a thing about it -- except NEVER buy their products again?

O.J.: “I’ll Be a Good Prison Bitch”

O.J. Simpson will have a new job when he gets to prison.

“I’m going to be a good prison bitch,” Simpson said yesterday in Las Vegas, after being sentenced to 6, 8, 9, 15, or 33 years in prison (depending on which newspaper you read this morning). “I still gotta pay the Goldmans and Browns, so I might as well get paid for doing the whole cell block. Besides, I always did like this song.”

Prison Bitch - Bob and Tom

Clark County District Attorney David Roger said the former football star was offered a deal for less time than his sentence for kidnapping and assaulting two sports memorabilia dealers with a deadly weapon.

“I guess he really liked the idea of taking his turn in the dungeon,” Clark said.

The online prison bitch name generator indicated Simpson prison bitch name will be Bowel Boy.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Plaxico Shoots His Other Leg

A week after shooting himself in the right leg, NFL star Plaxico Burress shot his other leg last night.

“He told us during the investigation that his other leg was jealous,” a New York City policeman said on condition of anonymity.

Burress was taken into custody and will not be released on bail. The court cited an appeal by Burress’ employer, the New York Giants. The team is worried that Burress might start shooting his hands next, which could lead to even more dropped passes next season.

Burress is suspended for the remainder of this season.

Drew Rosenhaus, Burress’ agent, said he understands why it happened. “Plax has 2 hands, 2 legs, and a $25 million contract. That’s $6.25 million an appendage. I guess his other leg just needed to feel as important as the right one."

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Saxby Chambliss’ Booby-booboo

Elections are a fascinating thing in America. Sometimes they get to run nearly until Christmas.

They can get even more fascinating, depending on your perspective, when yesterday's winning candidate, Republican Saxby Chambliss, grabs his granddaughter’s boob during a campaign commercial that ran last week to wish all Georgia voters Happy Thanksgiving. Don’t believe me? See the first 60 seconds of a segment from last night's broadcast by Commedy Central's Jon Stewart, below.

The incident reminds me of Bernard trying to grab some "itty bitty titty" in Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead.

Coincidentally, if you search Google for the words “vote for my big daddy,” a demand in the ad from Chambliss' grandchildren, you will find that links to the ad, posted previously on several news sites, have been removed.


Well, why don’t I let Google tell you: “In response to a legal request submitted to Google, we have removed 1 result(s) from this page. If you wish, you may read more about the request at”

Clicking on Google’s read more link gives you this interesting information.

That's our elections process in this country, or life in our times. I'm not yet sure which one.

(And, yeah, this one is true, too.)


Monday, December 1, 2008

Pentagon Hires Governator to Create Robotic Soldiers

The American military is planning to build robot soldiers that will not be able to commit war crimes like their human comrades, and they’ll do it with the Terminator, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, in charge.

Schwarzenegger, former star of the Terminator movie series, will be chief architect of the company created to make the robots. He was hired today by the Pentagon to build an army of machines to prevent the creation of an amoral Terminator-style killing machine that murders indiscriminately.

The move had nothing to do with Schwarzenegger’s announcement earlier in the day that California was in a fiscal state of emergency, had annexed Hollywood, and would soon begin re-remaking old/new Hollywood pictures like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, King Kong, and Psycho to restock the state’s coffers.

"Without immediate action, our state is headed for a fiscal disaster where everyone will be hurt, including Mickey Mouse and my Terminator franchise. Cauli-fornia Uber Alles!" Schwarzenegger said at a news conference this afternoon in his Los Angeles office before announcing he was resigning to take the new job.

Former Gov. Gray Davis will be sworn in as Schwarzenegger’s replacement at 8 a.m. tomorrow. Rolling brownouts will begin promptly at 8:15 a.m.

“We believe Governor Schwarzenegger’s vast experience in an overproduced movie franchise will give us the leadership to create the ultimate killing machine – a kinder, gentler soldier who identifies his enemy by computer recognition and annihilates him without personal prejudice and spares innocent civilians, leaving them to the evil whims of lawmakers in the Senate,” said Robert Gates, newly appointed defense secretary under President-elect Barrack Obama and current secretary of defense in lame duck President George W. Bush’s administration.

Following his statement, members of the press booed Gates, chanting: “You’re not liberal enough! You’re not liberal enough!”

By 2010, the US will have invested $4 billion in a research program into "autonomous systems," military jargon for robots, on the basis that they would be far too intelligent to mistakenly get pissed off while being fired upon from every direction within a 360 degree-radius and start shooting back at innocent people who just happened to drop their weapons before getting hit.

Schwarzenegger will lead the initiative as CEO of Cyberdine Systems, a new California-only venture formed by the Pentagon to create the mild-mannered robotic force.

Some questioned Schwarzenegger’s qualifications. “He’s a hell of an actor, but I seriously doubt he’s a robotic engineer, and I know for damned sure he’s no governor,” said Christian Scientist actor Tom Cruise.

Schwarzenegger said Cruise is just jealous he was too diminutive to be selected for the lead role in the Schwarzenegger/Sylvester Stallone-financed thriller Juiced. The lead was, instead, given to former Oakland A’s slugger Jose Canseco, who plays a steroid-crazed, foreign-born actor who marries a Kennedy and wants to be president of the United States.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

French President Cries Foul Over Obama Voodoo Dolls

French President Nicholas Sarkozy has lost his petition to block the sale of voodoo dolls.

“They look too much like U.S. President-elect Barrack Obama,” Thierry Herzog, a lawyer for Sarkozy, told reporters on Saturday. “Nothing against Obama, but we expect a little more from our satire here in France. They can wave a white flag over there in America all they want, but a voodoo doll of President Sarkozy should have a bit more classe, oui?”

On Friday, a Paris court rejected Sarkozy’s appeal to block the sale of the dolls, ruling the maker can continue to sell the dolls as long as they come with a warning that sticking pins in the toy is an affront to the dignity of all Frenchmen. The dolls most also come with a white flag, the court said.

About 20,000 dolls were originally produced by Japanese K&B Publishers and sold within a day of the hearing. K&B has sold similar “voodoo kits” in mockery of U.S. President George W. Bush and Senator Hillary Clinton. Neither sued. (They’re used to such treatment.)

Herzog said Sarkozy may take the fight to an economic level, proposing a law to banish K&B’s products to beyond French borders. “Let the free marketeers put up with them,” she said.

“That’s fine. We’ll start selling Obama dolls in the U.S. that look like Sarkozy. That ought to get him even more pissed,” a K&B spokesman said.

Voodoo high priest Togbui Gnagblondjro III called the affair an abomination. "This is an affront to my beliefs. Voodoo does no harm. It protects you if you are honest and sincere. It hates treason and lies. I consider this to be both."

In retaliation, he was said to be using computer climate voodoo models to stir up more global warming hysteria for both the U.S. and France.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

What's Wrong With Shoppers?

If you opened this and expected to find satire, I apologize. I don’t have the heart for it today.

I remember as a kid hearing about a Who concert in Cincinnati, in which 11 people were trampled to death as the doors to the hall were opened. I was appalled: What would compel people to run over top of other people? It was just a concert! Not a fire. Not a shooting in a crowded place. No one was trying to get away. They wanted to get IN!

I’m a little more cynical today but no less appalled to hear that 2,000 people bum rushed a worker at a Long Island, NY, Wal-mart on Black Friday, so they could be the first to get a good deal…on a new TV or an X-box they probably didn’t need anyway…and no doubt add to revolving debt they’ll never pay back.

If you haven’t heard (and who the hell hasn’t by now?), Jdimytai Damour, a 34-year-old part-time holiday temp, was crushed in the onslaught and pronounced dead an hour later. Police are looking for those responsible.

Accounts of the incident were incredible.
Witness Kimberly Cribbs said all those people who got in went right on shopping after the worker was run over.

"Oh yes, they're savages," Cribbs said.
Then there was this madness outside a Toys "R" Us.

I don’t know what this all says about people in this country. I don’t know if it’s an indictment of who we are, of our priorities, of how far we’ve fallen into narcism and contempt for human life, of how much our moral fabric is in need of bailing out.

Whatever it says, it isn't good.

I wish I was just making this one up.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Rosie Puts up Real Stinker; NBC Boots Her to the Curb

In unprecedented swift action, NBC dropped Rosie O’Donnell’s new variety show after only one night.

“There are a lot of things to be thankful for today, and one of them is that NBC viewers won’t have to look at Rosie anymore,” Jeff Zucker, president and CEO of NBC Universal, said Thursday while preparing for a Thanksgiving feast of tofu, bean sprouts, and salmon spaghetti carbonara.

Zucker hinted he was considering asking President George W. Bush if it was legal to incarcerate O’Donnell in Gitmo on charges of terrorizing an audience.

Only 5 million viewers turned out to watch “Rosie Live” flop miserably. For her part, O’Donnell agreed. “It was terrible,” she wrote in an email. “I’m heading back into exile to rethink my career. I don’t suppose anyone wants to do a sequel to ‘The Flintstones.’ Hey, Hollywood! I’ll work for food!”

Segments on the show included Kathy Griffin impersonating Nancy Grace, Alec Baldwin hitting Conan O'Brian with a pie, O'Donnell singing "City Lights" with Liza Minnelli, and Jane Krakowski doing a product-placement-themed striptease for White Castle burgers and Crest Whitestrips.

The silence after each skit was deafening. Many in the audience threw up following the striptease. “I’ve seen hookers do better stripping at our local truck stop in Holland, Ohio,” said Joe the Plumber, invited by O’Donnell to represent middle class America in her audience.

The remarkably fast cancellation is unusual for NBC, which has allowed a flatlined “ER” to survive on life support for more than a decade. Right-to-die activists have been picketing outside NBC offices for about as long.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Franken Vows to Leave the Country

Disgusted with an elections process that won’t allow him to steal enough votes to win, (not so funny) comedian Al Franken (D) vowed today to leave the country as soon as possible.

“Damn. I really thought those crackpots on the Board of Canvassers were going to let me win this thing, but they apparently believe in fair elections up here,” Franken said, flapping his ample lips. “This is ridiculous. If a man can’t steal an election, how can we say there is liberty and freedom to pursue happiness in this country? I’m going to leave this friggin’ place. It’s not socialist enough yet. I’ll go live with Sean Penn…or maybe Alec Baldwin. He’s funnier than I am.”

Franken made his statement after the Minnesota Board of Canvassers unanimously rejected his request to count 12,000 absentee ballots in a recount of the state’s hotly contested Senate race.

At the start of the recount Franken trailed Sen. Norm Coleman (R-Minn.) by 215 votes, of the 2.9 million ballots cast. Officials have recounted about 80 percent of the ballots, and Coleman maintains a slim lead.

The two campaigns are challenging about 3,600 votes, including 500 for Prince, 427 for former Minnesota governor Jesse “The Body” Ventura, and another 427 for Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson.

“Clearly those voters intended to vote for me,” Franken said. “None of those guys is a Republican, anyway. You know everybody loves me here. Just look at me: I have an electable face!”

Franken has fallen on hard times since the progressive Air America radio network failed to win advertisers and had to go underground (like your humble narrator) to the Internet. Most recently he was selling shoes at a discount store in Minneapolis at the Mall of America under the name of Al Bundy.

Baldwin could not be reached for comment. He and Penn were attending a charity event at a terrorist training camp in Pakistan.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Oil Plummets; OPEC Leaders Off Themselves

All voting members of the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) committed suicide today amid plummeting oil prices.

Oil dropped below $51 a barrel due to falling demand, the backlash of most Americans parking their SUVs and, en mass, hitching up horse and buggy in protest four months ago when oil peaked at $147 a barrel.

Most notable among the deceased were chief United States enemies Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, president (not so much anymore) of Iran, and Venezuelan Dictator for (His Shortened) Life Hugo Chavez. Chavez reportedly sold all shares of the Venezuelan-owned gasoline company Citgo prior to snorting himself to death, leaving all earnings to his cabana boy, known only as Fidel.

“The world is mine!” Chavez reportedly said, before burying his head in a pile of cocaine on his desk and expiring.

Prior to his own demise, Ahmadinejad is said to have wanted to kill himself because the sharp drop in profits his country previously reaped, by raping oil-guzzling nations like the U.S., left Iran with no money to buy plutonium from Russia, thereby ending Ahmadinejad’s nuclear dream of turning Israel into a landing strip for his private fleet of G-5 airplanes.

Sources say Ahmadinejad chopped his own head off.

To fill the power vacuum left by the demise of OPEC, analysts say Halliburton, Vice President Dick Cheney’s former company, will likely muscle in for control of oil reserves in all OPEC nations. Cheney, meanwhile, is still fighting his own battles, having been indicted for misdemeanor assaults.

President George W. Bush proclaimed the situation a victory for the U.S. “I, uh, well, I’m happy for the U.S. It’s a great day when you get to pay $1.68 for a gallon of gas and Dick’s buddies get to own the world. Oh…dang. Did I say that on camera? Hey, now….move along. Nothing to see here. How long until we’re done with this job?”


Monday, November 24, 2008

Monica to SerVICE the Country

In the spirit of change and a new beginning for Washington, D.C., the Office of the President Elect today announced that former White House intern Monica Lewinsky has accepted the nomination to a new cabinet position in the Obama administration.

Barring Senate confirmation, Lewinsky will be nominated to the post of Secretary of Internal and External Affairs. An official news conference has been scheduled for Tuesday morning at the Washington Press Office. It’s said Lewinsky will be wearing a new fashion from Mugato: Stained Blue Dress.

Lewinksy was made famous during Interngate, the scandal that nearly brought down former president Bill Clinton. Clinton’s famous public remark, “No, I did not have sex with that woman…Miss Lewinsky,” transformed over the months and years and decades of the Richard Mellon Scaife-funded investigation by special prosecutor Kenneth Starr into, “Yeah, I had her, right there in the Oval Office with Arafat waiting in the Rose Garden. She liked cigars too…but she didn’t smoke ‘em.”

The scandal prompted the incoming Bush administration to fumigate the Oval Office in 2001. A similar undertaking has been scheduled for January 2009, prior to the arrival of the new administration, to rid the entire building of cockroaches.

Reactions to Lewinsky’s appointment were mixed.

“It is downright disgusting,” conservative mogul Rush Limbaugh said today on his galactically broadcast radio program to 57 million listeners who voted for John McCain. “The American people have been bamboozled, I tell you. They just don’t listen anymore to the Rushie, the Mahatma, the Soothsayer of Conservatism, the…oh, hell…SOMEBODY get me a painkiller! This is going to send me spiraling back down into drug addiction!”

John Podesta, former chief of staff under Clinton and head of Obama’s transition team, meanwhile, called it a bold move for the incoming president. “Change was served today with this appointment. And hope. We think Miss Lewinsky is just the woman to handle all affairs, both internal and external, as she has vast experience in this area, even beyond her time as an intern. Besides, I never had a chance with that hound dog Bill around to…you know…see what she can do in a federal office.”

Lewinsky’s appoint follows a long convoy of former Clinton staffers, friends, business partners, family members, lost neighbors, pets, and other carrion back from exile into Washington. In recent days, the Obama administration has staffed about 90 percent of its cabinet posts with former Clinton people, including the former first lady.

Senator Hillary Clinton, who accepted the post of Secretary of State on Friday, was said to be “very interested” in working with Lewinsky. A Clinton insider, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said Mrs. Clinton is very excited at the chance to work with Lewinsky. The two have “a lot in common,” the official said, adding that “the senator believes she can learn a lot from someone like Miss Lewinsky.”

[Cue Frank Zappa: “With a tongue like a cow she could make you go, WOW!”]

He said that former Clinton officials Vincent Foster and Ron Brown were also being considered for positions in the new administration, although President-elect Barrack Obama has specifically told Brown he needs to do something about the suspicious hole in his head.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Luca Brasi Sleeps with the “Sea Kittens”

If you’re going to start a movement to change the name of what’s for dinner, you might want to pick something with a bit more ambiance than “sea kittens.”

“Luca Brasi sleeps with the sea kittens” just doesn’t…ahem…hold as much water as does the classic line from my all-time favorite movie, The Godfather.

I mean, I understand why PETA wants us to stop eating fish and all. They believe an international “movement” to change the name of fish to sea kittens will endear us so much to the little slippery creatures that we’ll eat something, oh, more vegetarian. (Um, PETA freaks, do you realize that fresh water fish don’t live in the friggin’ sea?)

But…hey, now…plants have rights, too!

I think PETA’s movement to save the sea kittens has about as much chance of succeeding as Osama Bin Laden’s quest to have a bowel movement in any place other than a cave. (Well, I may be wrong about that, since he probably figures to get invited to the White House for a rap and a crap with King-elect Showbama to discuss an amenable end to worldwide terrorism and American imperialism).

Think about it. Not only would it be pretty dumb to call a fresh-water trout a sea kitten, but, hey, you’re giving fluffy little kittens a bad name. Why, if we call fish sea kittens, surely we have to start calling kittens “cattens,” or something similarly stupid – if for nothing else to avoid confusing our poor kids.

It’s just a corny idea by a corny group whose only good contribution to mankind has been public displays of naked hotties in cages and showers. I always enjoy a free show that doesn’t download malware to my computer, anyway.

I have an idea. When King-elect Showbama sits down with Bin Laden, he should use his serpentine tongue to convince Bin Laden to redirect his creative efforts toward ridding the world of PETA members.

Now that's a movement I could get behind.
Eat a Vegetarian

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Palin Talks Turkey

I swear Sarah Palin gets more face time with the media these days than does King-elect Showbama.

Call it her post-election tour to keep herself in the minds of would-be 2012 voters.

My only suggestion to Palin is that she pick more voter friendly settings for her chats. While being interviewed in your home state in a rural setting is classic Americana, it's a pretty queer thing to watch a former candidate for vice president talk turkey while someone cuts the heads off turkeys behind her.

She was there to pardon a turkey for Thanksgiving, but still...what the hell?


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Milk Industry Moos for Bailout

The head of the milk industry today petitioned Congress to include the failing milk industry in the sweeping $700 billion financial industry bailout.

Testifying before the House Financial Services Committee, Rick Smith, president and chief executive officer of the Dairy Farmers of America, the largest dairy marketing cooperative, said: “Americans depend on good milk, and we just can’t give it to them in today’s marketplace. We need this bailout as a stopgap to tide us over until the economy strengthens next year or in 2010.”

Dairy farmers have long complained that high costs of pasteurization and shipping have stymied their market. In addition, Chinese milk producers have recently flooded the U.S. with cheap milk, and people are buying it despite recent reports of contamination by leftover tiger and toy parts.

Japanese milk conglomerates have also gotten in on the free market. Taking a page from Toyota and Nissan in the auto industry, they have produced quality milk with more luxury amenities Americans want, like candy-cane-striped coloring, mini-TV screens on containers, and free mp3s downloadable from their websites – all for less than the cost of a gallon of U.S.-produced milk.

On top of it all, the cost of pasteurization is outracing deflation when just a few months ago the average consumer was battling rising inflation, and labor is now entrenched because of corporate givebacks, Smith testified.

“Union cows are afforded the protections of more lavish benefits than ever before. They work 20-hour work weeks, laze around the rest of the time in sun-drenched fields chewing on their own puke, and the union will no longer let us shove our arms up their behinds to artificially inseminate them to increase output by mass-producing a workforce. And let’s not even talk about retirement earnings, like grazing privileges on failed golf courses. We’re absolutely castrated!”

Smith also told committee members that federal regulations to curb greenhouse gas emissions, enacted during the Clinton administration, have put the DFA’s more then 18,000 dairy farmer-owners in 48 states on the brink of bankruptcy.

“We know that methane gas is a serious contributor to global warming, but just how are you supposed to feel comfortable producing milk when you have a suction pipe attached to your ass all day long,” Smith asked the committee. The cost, meanwhile, of mandatory conversion of the gas into additives for candy bars, plastics, grain products, and Chinese food is “absolutely gutting us,” he added.

Richard D. Holland, president of the United Milk Workers of America, scoffed at the DFA’s claims of imminent bankruptcy.

“They’re crying over spilled milk! Their cows are the best in the world, and that’s solely because they are union members of the brotherhood of the UMWA. We will give back nothing. NOTHING! Our workers deserve our steadfastness.

“Why, if the DFA had their way, they’d be siphoning slop from the udders of any old field cow, dumping it into unwashed used containers, and selling it on the shelves of American Wal-Marts just to make a profit. Those greedy bastards!”

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