@BarackObama Finally Accomplished Something: He Blocked Me on Twitter

After putting up with my heckling for 3 and a half years, first here, more recently over the past 20 months on Twitter, President Toddler, the crybaby-in-chief, finally blocked me on Twitter.

LMFAO.

I have a super-secret list on Twitter that only I know about because I've set the viewing settings to private. Periodically, I troll various leftists I've added to that list, with Barack Obama (@BarackObama) being my prime target. After all, I promised the night he was elected to hound his ass for the next four years, and I've kept my promise, unlike him.

Today, I noticed someone else retweeting some nonsense one of Obama's lackeys tweeted from the Obama account about the Republicans not deserving to be in charge of the economy next year because they "ran it into the ditch" before he flew in on his unicorn to lower the tides and raise our prospects in life ... by pitting American against American and setting out to systematically tear this country apart.

So I popped over to my super-secret Marxists list to heckle King Zero, only to find his tweet wasn't there. A little exploration on the web version of Twitter lead me to find this:

As you can see, his account claims to be "protected," but a president who sends out some 10 tweets a day begging for money doesn't have a protected account. No. He's blocked me.

You can imagine my delight: To be blocked by the thinnest-skinned president in the history of our country is quite a badge of honor, and I'm going to wear it proudly.

Now, being a good heckler, I hammer him, day in and day out, and I'm pretty sure I know what lead to my place on his enemies list. The day Mitt Romney joked about Obama's birth certificate in Michigan, the Obama 2012 campaign immediately fired off 3 whiny, mealy-mouthed tweets so over the top in their reaction to a joke, I had to pounce.

Could this have been the tweet (typo and all) that got me blocked?

So @barackobama can call @mittromney a tax cheat, a felon, and a murder, but Romney can't make a joke. I get it. #caring #twisters #tcot
— Snarky Basterd (@Snarky_Basterd) August 24, 2012

Or maybe this one?

Like "murderer"? RT @barackobama: Now's the time to say you stand with President Obama in this election—and against false, divisive attacks
— Snarky Basterd (@Snarky_Basterd) August 24, 2012

How about this one?

It's time we ask the anti-doping commission to strip @barackobama of his presidency for being a dope. #caring #twisters #tcot
— Snarky Basterd (@Snarky_Basterd) August 24, 2012

Or this?

@barackobama <----- the biggest, whiniest, thin-skinned, humorless, hypocritical piece of garbage to ever occupy @whitehouse #twisters #tcot
— Snarky Basterd (@Snarky_Basterd) August 24, 2012

But, alas, while all of those tweets were insulting, no other tweet I've ever sent him could be more insulting ... and result in blocking than this one containing artwork that, by the way, my wife penned a few years ago:

@barackobama Here's your birth certificate:twitpic.com/pp0g7 #caring #twisters #tcot #yawnyouboreus
— Snarky Basterd (@Snarky_Basterd) August 24, 2012

So. There you have it. If you want to be honored with a block from President Crybaby, the toddler-in-chief, just tweet him "his" birth certificate, since he can't take a joke, and you'll join the growing list of Americans on his enemies list. And I will welcome you.

Linked by: Knuckledraggin My Life Away and Noisy Room and The Right Planet.

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@BarackObama Finally Accomplished Something: He Blocked Me on Twitter

Text What You Think of @BarackObama to 62262

As if the sentence "please donate $3 or more" shouldn't already be removed from the English language, Barack Obama is stooping to new lows.

It's not enough to spam me with upwards of 3-4 emails a day, the latest coming from serial free contraception slut Sandra Fluke. Ironically, my email account is intuitive enough lately to identify Obama 2012 emails as spam, and that's just where I found Fluke's this morning. (Sorry, Sandra my inbox isn't nearly as accessible as yours.)

Now you can text credit card donations to President Douchebag. The campaign wants you to include the word "GIVE" in your text. But I have a better idea: Text the campaign and tell Obama what you think of him.

Being such a thoughtful and sensitive guy, I told the president he could pleasure himself ... in so many words. You might have something more interesting to say.

It's easy:

• Open a new message on your phone and type 62262, numbers that correspond to the letters O-B-A-M-A. (Surprisingly he spelled his own name correctly, unlike O-I-H-O.)
• Then add your message and press send. 
• You'll receive the following text in return: "Welcome to Obama for America mobile. Reply with your 5 digit ZIP for local info."
• Instead, reply with STOP, and you'll receive another message telling you will not receive messages or charges from Obama Contributions.

So let President Teleprompter and his campaign know what you think. It's juvenile, but, hey, at least you won't be accusing him of murder.

h/t: Jammie Wearing Fool

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Text What You Think of @BarackObama to 62262

Nancy Pelosi: "I Hear Dead People"

You read that right. 

The former Speaker of the House of Representatives, who once was third in line for the presidency, talks to ghosts. She met her new imaginary friends during her first meeting with President George W. Bush as part of the Democratic leadership.

Pelosi: “He’s (Bush) saying something to the effect of we’re so glad to welcome you here, congratulations and I know you’ll probably have some different things to say about what is going on--which is correct. But, as he was saying this, he was fading and this other thing was happening to me."

“My chair was getting crowded in," said Pelosi. "I swear this happened, never happened before, it never happened since."

"My chair was getting crowded in and I couldn’t figure out what it was, it was like this," she said."And then I realized Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Lucretia Mott, Alice Paul, Sojourner Truth, you name it, they were all in that chair, they were," said Pelosi. "More than I named and I could hear them say: 'At last we have a seat at the table.' And then they were gone."

Have you been abducted by aliens too, Nancy?

The good thing about Pelosi talking to ghosts is she might finally have occasion to talk to The Founders; they're desperate for a chance to teach her anything.

She may be batshit crazy, but look at it this way: At least we now know the identity of Harry Reid's "credible" source.

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Nancy Pelosi: "I Hear Dead People"

Somebody Else Made that Nobel Peace Prize Happen

Oh, he's gonna get spanked in Hollywood for this one. But Jon Lovitz doesn't care.

I didn't build my business, either. twitter.com/realjonlovitz/…
— Jon Lovitz (@realjonlovitz) July 18, 2012

Oh, how sweet it is. Obama doesn't get it, but Lovitz does, and so do we. Onward to November.

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Somebody Else Made that Nobel Peace Prize Happen

He Just Doesn't Get It

Image via The Jawa Report

"In the beginning, Govt created the heavens and the businesses. The economy was without form, and Govt said 'Let there be Taxes.'"

How did we ever survive before Barack Obama came along? We were caveman ... then The Almighty swooped in and bestowed upon us hope and change and built our small businesses for us. Unemployment ended as we knew it. Blue and Red states congealed into purple states. We all came together, no longer divided, as the first post-partisan, non-racial president united us. Everyone changed their name to Barack, in honor of our savior. And it was good.

Oh. Wait. That's a nightmare I had recently. Here's what I meant to say:

"They are clearly and unequivocally a bunch of liars." - Sununu on the Obama campaign
— Matt K. Lewis (@mattklewis) July 17, 2012

Because they are.

They just don't get it.

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He Just Doesn't Get It

Guest Post, Momus ... Ragehammer: Barack Obama

The drums are beating. The pitchforks are ready. The torches are lit. It's war. Death is yours ... if you want it. Or you can bring down the ragehammer and fight.

WARNING: If language offends you, read no further. But I venture you gather by now that you must, so ... I give you this guest post by Momus.

Screed of Momus is proud to introduce another regular featured column, Ragehammer™.  Ragehammer™ is the NSFW takedown of a person or group or company that has engaged in extremely bitchassed conduct.  Our first target is none other than President Barack Obama, whose recent accusations towards Mitt Romney are characteristic of leftist tactics in that they obscure the real issue.  It's time to drop the fucking Ragehammer™, ladies and gentlemen, and restore some goddamned clarity to the debate.  Part of the issue is that Mitt Romney apparently doesn't have the spine or the willpower to fight back effectively, and while Screed of Momus doesn't endorse Mitt Romney for president, we aren't about to let a leftist charlatan like Barack Obama take him apart without firing back. 

Let's talk about those 12 years of tax records that Barack Obama wants for a moment, shall we?  I'd advise Mitt Romney to make a counter-offer: when Barack Obama releases his undergraduate and law school transcripts, as well as all of his published work as a graduate student and constitutional law lecturer, and the records held by the Illinois State Bar pertaining to the surrender of his law license, he can have the fucking tax records he wants.  Until then, he can sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up and stop acting like a snide little bitch.  Oh, and he can put forth his Selective Service registration as well. 

And let's talk about Mitt Romney's history at Bain Capital, because Barack Obama likes to talk about the layoffs and the company closings.  Deutsche Bank did an analysis of 68 deals that Bain engaged in during Romney's tenure, finding that Bain lost money or broke even on 33 of the deals.  That's 35 more successful deals than Barack Obama ever had. Bain almost doubled its investors' money annually.  In 15 years under Romney's leaderships, Bain Capital returned $3 billion on $260 million in investments on just its top 10 deals.  Barack Obama promised to cut the national debt in half by the end of his first term, and we all see how that fucking turned out, don't we? 

Here you have a president with the fucking gall to criticize Mitt Romney for layoffs at companies he invested in when the country President Obama oversees puts more people on disability each month than it does into actual fucking jobs.  Really, could you be any more of a cunt?  Could you? 

Barack Obama and his allies in the media like to make a to-do about Mitt Romney's role in giving an effeminate classmate a haircut at the preparatory school he attended.  Well, if Mitt Romney's worse transgression was a haircut that was cruel, he's still got a future president who belonged to the Choom Gang beat.  Of course, we know that Mitt Romney confesses to having tasted a beer and smoked a cigarette, but Barack Obama used fucking coke and weed, and has the goddamned gall to advocate for strict federal enforcement of drug laws today that would have have gotten his ass thrown in jail for years had he been caught. 

There's absolutely no goddamned reason for Barack Obama to be criticizing Mitt Romney on any of these goddamned fronts, beyond the fact that Barack Obama is a charlatan, a liar, and a jackass who doesn't give a flying fuck about anything besides winning another term in office even though his first term was an unqualified disaster for America.  From the stimulus that was supposed to keep unemployment under 8% to the deficit that was supposed to be cut in half, to Department of Energy loans and guarantees for failed energy companies, this jerk-off fucked up virtually everything that he touched.  

Even with his goddamned insurance reform law, the price of insurance premiums for families is projected to reach half of the median income by 2021.  That's just the fucking premiums, and it doesn't count the goddamned copays and deductibles.  Man, that's fucking progress.

I won't fucking get into the guns his employees walked across the Mexican border, which were used to murder hundreds of Mexican civilians and Border Patrol Agent Brian Terry, who was firing back fucking beanbags the night he was killed. Yes, that's right: beanbags.  Our Administration made sure Border Patrol agents were stocked with beanbags rather than bullets while simultaneously arming Mexican drug cartels with goddamned assault rifles. 

Seriously? This motherfucker is talking shit about Mitt Goddamned Romney?  After his record over the past three years?  What fucking balls this cocksucker has.  The only thing more deplorable than his lack of integrity or scruples is the unwillingness of Mitt Romney to grab Barack Obama by the ears and skullfuck him into submission with the cold, hard truth about Barack Obama's record over the past three years and his life before he became president. 

But the coup de fucking gras in all of this is a legal bank account in fucking Switzerland, which has been used to, get this, deposit money overseas. Holy fucking shit.  Imagine using a foreign bank account to deposit money overseas.  Barack Obama and his supporters in Congress have a problem with Mitt Romney using foreign bank accounts, so I'll lay down the fucking gauntlet to every single Democrat in Congress and every single bundler and financial supporter of the Obama 2012 campaign: if you have or have ever had a foreign bank account, or an offshore company, the Obama campaign should return every fucking red cent it has received from you.  You should all disclose your foreign bank accounts, and the fact that you used those accounts to deposit money overseas, you fucking hypocrites.  Because depositing money overseas isn't illegal, but it is...unseemly. 

The fact that someone has a account with a foreign bank is grounds to conclude that they have a bank account with a foreign bank. That is all. It is not evidence or proof that they have engaged in tax evasion, or money laundering, or any other goddamned malfeasance whatsoever.  And it is also none of your fucking business.  That's right: it's none of your fucking business. 

The Obama campaign needs to realize that these kinds of attacks, illegitimate and hypocritical and utterly unwise as they are, are going to be responded to, and not even by people who like Mitt Romney as the GOP nominee.  It's just a simple duty of anyone who fucking hates these kinds of specious attacks by the Left to highlight the dishonesty and hypocrisy of those who make such attacks. 

You don't have to drop the Ragehammer™ with expletives galore, but this is an information war.  Mitt Romney is getting his ass kicked right now over this nonsense, and it's time to defend him even though he's apparently incapable of articulating a defense himself.  Social networks like Twitter, Facebook, and the like are a perfect goddamned opportunity to go on the offensive.  Seek a leftist out and have a war for the world to see. Put them on the defensive about Obama's scurrilous attacks, and evolve your own unique Ragehammer™ to deploy in this battle.  Win this information war online, and let these fuckers have it every chance you get.  Kick the shit out of them on messaging, because enough is enough.  I'll be voting for Gary Johnson in November, but I'm not going to sit by and let the Left make these attacks without answering them. 

Get the fucking Ragehammer™ out, and get ready to take these leftist assholes out. 

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Guest Post, Momus ... Ragehammer: Barack Obama

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello on "Unemployment"

Internet meme....

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good subject. Terrible times. It's about 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE!! Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ... they are out of work!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To who?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of
work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down
the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So, there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the
two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what I just said!

And now, you know why Obama's unemployment figures are improving.


H/T: Suzibasterd

Linked by Conservative Hideout.

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Bud Abbott and Lou Costello on "Unemployment"

Obama Loses Head; Names KSM Terrorism Czar

Originally published 11/20/2009.


WASHINGTON — pResident Barack Obama made a decision in record time today, appointing Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to the position of Terrorism Czar after learning of the idea just this morning from Attorney General Eric Holder following a recent bow-ful trip through Asia.

Mohammed, detained as an enemy combatant since 2003, was scheduled to undergo a federal trial in Manhattan as the self-proclaimed mastermind of the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. Instead, he’ll be in charge of establishing terrorist camps throughout the U.S. to train Daily Kossacks, Democratic Undergroundlings, ACORNuts, public school children, and circus midgets in tactics proven to maim and kill and eradicate tea-bagging racist mobster fly-over-country conservatives.

The program will be called Operation Tea-had.

“The 2010 elections are just around the corner. With what happened recently in New Jersey and Virginia, with Congress approving health care in the dead of the night and the Senate set to vote to proceed with a vote to vote about voting on health care tomorrow, it was imperative that we act quickly,” the pResident said during an impromptu press conference this afternoon, Mohammed standing to Obama’s left, wearing the orange prison jumpsuit he’s grown accustomed to after more than six years in captivity. Sources say the jumpsuit will become the regular uniform for officials of the new Terrorism Department, the backs of the jumpsuits bearing this insignia:

Obama said he immediately liked the plan after Holder brought it up during a two-minute briefing.

“Uh … fastest time I’ve ever made up my mind on something. It was such an easy decision to make, not like that Afghanistan business,” the pResident said. “I know our troops can hang in there if they don’t get reinforcements until after my next election. After all, they’re such good photo-op material. But back home? We need to act fast before the tea-baggers form a groundswell that lifts Republicans to victory in key elections next year.

“If Mohammed had been convicted, we wouldn’t have let him go, anyway. Why not use his talents in a destructive way?”
The pResident, off teleprompter for the whole press conference, went rambling on about things he missed during his trip to Asia, like Michelle Obama’s boob belts, favorable Gallup polls, and Oprah’s announcement to move her collection of tent dresses to Montecito.

Then, strangely, Obama turned to Mohammed … and bowed.


Rather than accept the gesture as a sign of respect, Mohammed apparently thought Obama was showing weakness and reached inside his jumpsuit and withdrew a sword and, shouting “Allahu Akhbar,” hacked off the pResident’s head.

A shocked White House press corps immediately burst into tears. Mohammed ignored them, turning, instead, to stare, hatred burning in his black-hole eyes, at Vice President Joe Biden, who’d been standing to the president’s right before the mayhem ensued.

Biden didn’t bat an eyelash, saying: “I have three words for you, Mr. Mohammed: My head isn’t worth cutting off, anyway.”

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Obama Loses Head; Names KSM Terrorism Czar

Robert Byrd Named KKK Grand Dragon of Hell

Originally posted June 2010.

Senator Robert C. Byrd (D-WV) died early this morning at Inova Hospital in Fairfax, Va. Upon arriving in Hell, he was immediately appointed KKK Grand Dragon.

Byrd was greeted at the gates of Hell by long-time friend Ted Kennedy, who made an unsuccessful bid for president of Hell last year shortly after his own arrival.

“Having … ah … Senata Byrd at my side again can only improve my … ah … chances of … ah … taking this place ova when elections come around again next yeya,” Kennedy said.

Byrd, for his part, cried when he saw Kennedy again. “Ted, Ted, my dear friend, I love you, and I missed you,” he said.

Satan, Kennedy’s rival for control of Hell, welcomed Byrd to his kingdom of filth.

“It is with great honor that I bestow the title of KKK Grand Dragon on Senator Byrd,” Satan said. “Only a true Democrat – and we’re all Democrats down here in Hell – could have uttered the great statements he has made over the years.”

Satan spent the next 40 hours regaling the gathering crowd of demons, radical Islamic suicide bombers, and former elected Democrats, recounting many of Byrd’s earthly statements. Here are the highlights:

• “They call me 'The Pork King,' they don't know how much I enjoy it.”
• “There are white niggers. I've seen a lot of white niggers in my time. I'm going to use that word…”
• “The Klan is needed today as never before and I am anxious to see its rebirth here in West Virginia.”
• “It is necessary that the order be promoted immediately and in every state in the Union…”
• “Will you please inform me as to the possibilities of rebuilding the Klan realm of W. Va.”
• “I will never submit to fight beneath that banner with a Negro by my side…”
• “Rather I should die a thousand times, and see Old Glory trampled in the dirt never to rise again … than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrel … a throwback to the blackest specimen from the wilds."

*Byrd quotes courtesy of @DearCitizen

Cross-posted at PatDollard.com

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Robert Byrd Named KKK Grand Dragon of Hell

Ted Kennedy Announces Candidacy for President of Hell

Originally posted September 2009.


With gracious thanks to BigFurHat over at iowntheworld.com for creating a fantastic image to go with this piece.

Hell, Circle 8.5 -- Just a week after his death, the greatest grafter of all time, former Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy, announced today that he was running for president of the netherworld.

“This place is a disgrace,” Kennedy said, while bathing in boiling resin and drinking a fifth of Bushmills and getting a massage from a demon named Lilith. “It looks like it’s been run by Republicans. The pagans and unbaptized babies are out of work. The lustful have lost their libido. The gluttons are starving. The hoarders are giving their possessions away. The wrathful can’t stop apologizing. The heretics have found religion. The violent have become docile. The pimps have stopped wearing fedoras and purple suits. The flatterers have gone silent. The simonists have stopped selling pardons. The soothsayers have stopped making fortune cookies. The politicians have started giving back people’s money. The hypocrites have stopped living lies. Thieves are stealing only from themselves. Deceivers are being honest. Sowers of discord have become pacifists. Falsifiers have discovered truth. And the treacherous have become huggable teddy bears.

“It’s like Martha’s Vineyard down here. It must stop, and stop now. It’s embarrassing. What would they think above ground if anyone found out?”

Kennedy said he promises a typical liberal reform platform: “We’ll restore the redistribution of wealth, spread misery equally among all classes, harvest the brains of anyone who's not yet a zombie, and curtail all freedoms and enjoyments. Why, you can’t come to hell for a suntan!”

His running mate will be Yuri Andropov, once the Soviet premier and Kennedy’s old pen pal.

The former U.S. Senator, most known for his rotund physique and vicious political attacks and inability to drive over water, said he’s just the man to come in and clean up a realm beset by years of increasingly lackluster observance of the rules of inflicting excruciating torture and eternal pain on Hell’s dwellers.

“This place has so much sloth and lascivious behavior and enjoyment going on, you'd think it was the U.S. Senate chambers at midnight during a vote on economic stimulus,” Kennedy said.

His first order of business, Kennedy added, would be organizing all demons, an often fractious group of heathens who would just as soon chew each other’s scales off as collaborate, into a well-oiled political machine that can strong-arm the supporters of any opponent into throwing their evil charms behind him. He also said he’d release all of the whores from their shackles and put them to work, secretly, to entrap the current hierarchy of power in Hell in compromising positions, such as being kind and benevolent to strangers.

Kennedy has his work cut out for him. Back in the 1950s, after Joseph Stalin died and moved here, Adolf Hitler recruited him in an attempt to overthrow Satan and form a Communist-Fascist dictatorship, but Satan fought back, having his best Gorgons unleash parasitic worms to infect the brains of both mass murderers. They’ve been hanging from either side of a Tree of Death ever since, forced to face and curse one another for all eternity.

But that was back when Hell was a bad place to be, and even those closest to Baal say he just isn’t the same cruel devil he used to be.

“I think it’s the age thing,” said one of Satan’s confidants, a three-armed, four-legged demon with 47 eyes and four humans pierced through his tongue. “He’s been waiting to take over the earth for so long, he appears to be going soft. Plus, with guys like Kim Jong-Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and U.S. President Barack Obama around, Hell is kinda starting to look like valuable real estate.”

Beelzebub himself seemed flattered by the challenge, according to his spokesman, Richard “Ahhh” Gibbs (twin brother of the chief flak for Obama).

“Satan was very pleased when he found out Senator Kennedy would be coming here,” Gibbs said. “That’s why he offered him a position of prestige among the grafters. The President himself enjoys a turn in boiling resign now and then, and was even gracious enough to give Lilith, one of his concubines, to the good Senator as a welcome gift.

“But really, we don’t think it’s anything to worry about. I’m sure Satan and the senator can work things out this weekend when they plan to have a picnic near the Circle of Cocytus (“wailing river”), in Lower Hell.

“In fact, Mr. Kennedy is so kind he’s even offered to drive.”

DEVELOPING…..

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Ted Kennedy Announces Candidacy for President of Hell

ElRushbo Gives Me Townhall Protest Marching Orders

Source: Soylent Green

Originally posted August 2009.

I was just about finished polishing the last of my 7,001 gold bars, doing what rich white racist community organizers do when shamelessly hording our money from the IRS to fund secretive political missions from K Street, when the phone rang.

“Dr. Dave, I presume?”

“Yep,” I said into the Bluetooth headset the Republican National Committee bought me last fall during the infamous “Barack Obama Is a Kenyan” rallies, aimlessly rubbing circles over the gleaming gold bar in my hand.

“This izzzz Elllll-Russsshhhbo.”

“Hey, there Mahatma. Been reported to the White House today?”

“Dr. Dave, I’m sure Rahmbo records streaming audio of my voice every day; there’s no need for anyone to report me.”

“Good point. What can I do for ya?” I set down the gold bar and picked up a swastika arm band. I had a feeling it was going to come in handy.

“Glad you asked, Dr. Dave. I have some marching orders for you.”

I knew it, I thought. I’d been so bored of late, having been mundanely blogging thousands of words about the details of the president’s energy and health care policy and helping to bring down his popularity. I had a pretty good feeling that “marching orders” meant there was opportunity to be had in crisis. I was not disappointed.

“It’s time to load up the busses and haul in the grannies and granddads from all over the country. We’ve got to hit these Townhall meetings with force.”

Secretly inside I felt like a kid, as if I were again wiggling in delight over dropping a squirming frog down the front of Miss Wilson’s blouse and watching my third-grade teacher scream in revulsion, as she tore off her shirt to keep the frog from crawling into her bra, revealing what I figured at the time to be the greatest thing any 8-year-old had ever seen.

“No Brooks Brothers crowd, Rush? No seersucker suits and Bulova watches? You want straw hat and pitchfork types, right?” I said, trying to shake off the memory of my first community disruption to focus on the task in front of us.

“Righto, Dr. Dave. We need angry mobs.” I could hear the giddiness in his voice. He was reveling in the president’s Waterloo moment. He wanted this president to fail. “Make sure you round up lots of Libertarians and independents and pissed off Democrats, just to make it look good. We want to achieve deception here. We’ve got to make it look like the majority of Americans don’t want this health care business. We’ve got to make it look like people have just had enough.”

“Yes, Godfather,” I said.

And Rush went on, making it clear that his and Sean Hannity’s and Michael Steele’s and John Boehner’s and Mitch McConnell’s names were never to be associated with such shenanigans.

As he wrapped up, the doorbell rang.

RIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!

Explosions erupted inside the house. The dog, barking 40 times a second, came racing down the hall, the sound of her claws scraping the floor growing louder and louder as she approached. My kids, emitting high-pitched screeches, ran like banshees right beside the dog, the cacophony so loud I could barely hear Rush saying “What the…..What IZZZ that racket?”

I opened the door to find the FedEx man standing outside, holding an envelope. The two children dashed out to greet him, one coming from each side of me, the dog barreling out between my legs, almost knocking me over. In fear, the FedEx man flung the envelope at me and dashed down the steps.

I caught the envelope on my chest and fell back against the open door, balancing on one leg while using my other foot to hook the dog under her throat, to keep her from chasing the poor guy.

“What the hell is going on?” Rush said in my ear, clearly not happy.

“Sorry, Rush.” I made sure everyone was back in the house and took the Bluetooth off my ear for a second and screamed, knowing full well Rush could still hear me but at least I wouldn’t be ruining his cochlear implants. “KIDS!!! I’m trying to plan something here on the phone. Will you SHUT UP?”

My question was immediately ignored.

“What, Daddy? What? What? What are you planning?” my 8-year-old said, hopping up and down with the unabashed glee I recognized in myself the day I disrupted Miss Wilson’s classroom.

“Yeah, Daddy. What? What? What?” said my youngest.

“An angry mob. Now give me just a minute.” I put the headset back on and opened the envelope and took out a check. “WOW, Rush. Just a million this time?”

“Yes, Dr. Dave. It’s a tough economy, but we know you will use it wisely.”

“Sure, Rush. Heck, with the Cash for Clunkers discount, we might be able to use the money to buy a couple thousand Toyata Priuses and have the rabble rousers show up at the Townhall meetings disguised as anthropogenic global warming believers.”

“Good thinking, Dr. Dave.”

“Are you going to make fun of the president,” my youngest asked, adding: “Rock Obama! I don’t like him!”

“Me neither,” the 8-year-old chimed in. “Barack Obama: KING OF THE MOONBATS! Hey, Dad. Can we come too? We’ll have Mommy paint swastikas on our cheeks!”

“Dr. Dave,” Rush said, having listened to my family dynamic all along, “you’ve been raising them right. I think your angry mobs are going to be wildly successful.”

*

ElRushbo Gives Me Townhall Protest Marching Orders

I Am a Democrat: You Owe Me

In recognition of Dependence Day, I give you ....

I’m a democrat. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I have my own pile of money, but I want yours, too, including the four pennies you have rattling around in the bottom of that peanut butter jar you frugal idiots like to use as a change holder. Give it up! You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I just say I like the public school system. My kids go to private schools so that your kids can go to public schools and learn how to be good little democrats like me. When my kids grow up and become better members of a collectivist society, and your kids grow up confused, my kids will get government jobs and take more money and freedom from your kids. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I have a job with health insurance, but I think it’s everyone else’s fault when I get sick and have to cut back on my lifestyle so I can pay for health care that should be free, along with cars and houses and big screen TVs. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. There is no god. You can go ahead and get down on your knees and pray to the ceiling for forgiveness and strength and peace, but I’ll be standing right behind you with a tire iron, bashing your skull and stealing your wallet. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I hate people. I would rather sleep with my dog or a cucumber or a tree than with another person…unless I can just dump them on the curb after we’re through. You just have sex to make more people so you can continue to earn more money while you rape the planet. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I love taxes. It’s patriotic…for you…to pay them. I don’t pay any, anyway. And if I have to, I’ve figured out loop holes or have offshore accounts to shelter my money, so the government never really gets too much from me anyway. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. It’s not only my right but also my duty to take freedom and representative republicanism from you, little by little, and replace it with government bureaucracy. From each according to his ability, to each according to his need. I’m needy. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I have a $20 million vacation playground on Martha’s Vineyard and a guarded compound in South Chicago and belong to the richest majority in Washington’s history. But I hate rich people who aren't democrats and want your property too so I can save endangered swamp rats and build turtle tunnels and fix toilets. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. There are more of you than there are of me. You breathe too much. I’ve told the world outlandish lies that you’re causing global warming, using faulty correlations to get everyone so worried they’re about to let me tax thin air. And you’ll breathe a lot less. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m an elitist. I’m perfect. I’m not like all of you stupid wingnuts out there working your greedy little fingers to the bone trying to make a little money and feed your family and have something to call successful when you retire. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I live in the city so I can get stupid drunk and piss on the streets when I want and kick your parked car when it gets in my way. It’s too bad that you have all those guns in your humble suburban and country homes. If you didn’t, I’d come and toss you out on your naked ass and make you live in the fetid cities that my government policies screwed up. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I think you hate homosexuals. I have no idea that you just want to be left alone and live your life the way you see fit and not have your children taught with government money that they should seek alternative lifestyles for the fun of it. I just want you to do what I think you should do with your life. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m so tolerant I can’t tolerate anyone who doesn’t think the way I do. In fact, I hate white people. I hate all people. I hate myself. I hate myself so much that I hate you even more when you are happy. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I don’t know how to do anything for myself. I need to be told what to do. I don’t think human beings are capable of taking care of themselves. That’s what government is for. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I don’t think any people should have rights. I think fish and frogs and grass should, however, and I want to represent them in court…and you to pay for it. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m a child. I act like a child and I think like a child and I live like a child and I throw up my hands and have little fits when I don’t get my way. There should be no consequences for anything I do. But there should be consequences for you, even if you’re blameless in what I accuse you of. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m racist but I get others to think that you are racist just because I call you one. It’s a riot to watch you squirm because I know you have a conscience. I do not. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I was born poor or middle class or rich, but it doesn’t matter. I was born black or white or Asian or Latina, but it still doesn’t matter. In fact, it’s Bush’s fault that I was even allowed to be born at all. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I want health care at your expense, while I’m young and virulent and child-like. But then I want you to kill me when I start to get old and weak and feeble, so that all of my young and virulent and child-like democrat friends can have health care at your expense.

Then I want to come back to life as a rock, so lots of birds can shit on me. They owe me, too, for being a loony moonbat.

Originally posted July 2009.

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I Am a Democrat: You Owe Me

President Leads Police on Drunken Vehicle Chase after White House Beer Party

Reposted from July 2009.

WASHINGTON -- President Barack Obama was arrested for DUI this afternoon after taking a Harvard professor and a Cambridge police officer on a harrowing barhopping tour and subsequent high-speed police chase through the city.

What started as a beer picnic outside the Oval Office to clear the air over the president’s embarrassing comments last week after the arrest of Harvard’s Henry Louis Gates turned ugly, when Obama, having quaffed one Bud Light and four plastic bottles of water in 15 minutes, stole a Secret Service SUV and demanded Gates and Sgt. James Crowley continue their party throughout the District of Columbia.

When Crowley refused to enter the SUV and politely threatened to arrest the president for disorderly conduct, Obama clubbed him on the head a half dozen times with a full bottle of water and shoved the unconscious police officer into the back seat. Obama then jumped in the driver’s seat and mashed the accelerator and rammed the massive vehicle through the White House gate at a high rate of speed.

Gate guards and members of the Secret Service were too stunned to react.

“It was like he turned into Kimbo Slice when he beat up that officer,” said one secret serviceman, who asked to remain anonymous. “We just didn’t know what to do. To be honest with you, after seeing him throw that girly pitch at the MLB All-Star game, we were wondering if this guy was
really a poser.”

Vice President Joe Biden, who saw the whole thing from the Oval Office, where he was practicing sitting at the president’s mahogany Resolute desk and saying presidential things like “ahhh” and “ummm,” said Obama has a drinking problem.

“I knew the rumors were swirling among his supporters that the president has been seen drinking from noxious plastic water bottles far too often in public, but I didn’t know it was this bad,” Biden said. “I guess the petroleum from all that plastic must have leeched into his brain and triggered something evil that we just couldn’t see coming.”

By the time everyone realized what had happened, the vehicle carrying the three men had sped out of sight.

The president and Gates, however, were soon seen dragging Crowley into Halo, on P Street, where a bartender, who calls himself Max, said the president ordered four more plastic bottles of water, while Gates drank a Perrier.

“They got that nice police officer, who was slumped on the bar, a chocolate-strawberry martini, but he wouldn’t wake up to drink it,” the bartender said. “The president kept poking him with an empty water bottle and telling him he was acting stupidly and asking him to stop faking it. But, I have to tell you, I don’t think that man was faking anything. He was out cold.”

Witnesses said the president and Gates carried Crowley back to the SUV after spending about 15 minutes at the bar, long before police could arrive on the scene. The vehicle was spotted about 10 minutes later at Café’ Saint-Ex & Gate 54 on 14th Street, but only for a short while. One witness said only Obama and Gates went into the bar, then came out after just a few minutes, dripping wet and laughing hysterically and carrying sloshing plastic bottles of water.

“It looked like they had been having a water fight,” another witness said.

By the time the three men were spotted at the Wonderland Ballroom on Kenyon Street, Obama was reportedly hitting the wall. “He kept yelling, ‘SHOTS. Let’s do SHOTS!’” said a male barmaid who identified himself only as Candi. “He must have done about 4 shots of Evian, and then started dumping tequila down that poor police officer’s throat. It was very frightening.”

Obama reportedly got word from one of the bar patrons of the sound of approaching sirens, and the three men stumbled out (this time, Crowley on his own) of the bar and piled into the vehicle and drove off, just as police cruisers came barreling down the street.

Witnesses say the president drove the SUV erratically back toward the White House, weaving in and out of traffic for several blocks, as police closed in. More than once the SUV left the street and lumbered down the sidewalk. Along the way, the vehicle ran over a clown who curiously resembled Minnesota Senator Al Franken, a female prostitute, and two homeless men sleeping on the sidewalk.

The prostitute got up and ran away, while the homeless men crawled back into their cardboard boxes and fell asleep again. Only the clown died, the coroner said. Vehicular manslaughter charges may be pending, police said.

“We have to wait for identification procedures and toxicology tests before we know whether or not it really was Franken,” one officer said. “If it was, I doubt we’ll press charges. But if it really was a working clown, well then, by God, we’ll throw the book at the president.”


Police finally caught up with the vehicle on Pennsylvania Avenue, when Obama took a corner too fast and it slammed into a fence.

Police quickly took the president into custody. Obama was charged with battery, motor vehicle theft, destruction of government property, and driving under the influence, before he was hauled off to the Marion Barry Honorary Cell at the DC Jail, a cigarette dangling from his mouth.

Obama still faces charges of child abuse and human cruelty over feeding children and homeless people lead-laced vegetables from the First Garden.

UPDATE: A million thank yous to Friendly21 for posting a link to this over at Hot Air.

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President Leads Police on Drunken Vehicle Chase after White House Beer Party

Flies Revolt, Swarm White House

Reposted from June 2009.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Billions of flies descended on the nation’s capital this morning, torching entire neighborhoods, looting businesses, and swarming the White House in a revolt against President Barack Hussein Obama’s brutal public execution of a fly last week.

The riots began early during rush hour. Hordes of flies could be seen flying low to avoid detection by radar in squadrons from all directions, carrying either excrement bombs or signs declaring “Exoskeletal Beings Have Rights, Too.” Sorties pummeled everything along The Mall and from Pennsylvania Avenue south to the Tidal Basin and the Jefferson Memorial.

Before the Pentagon could realize what was occurring and muster a swift defense, flies had secured a perimeter 10 square blocks around the White House and began their assault on the president’s quarters. Local flies quickly joined the fracas, setting fire to their own homes and looting businesses, particularly grocery stores and sushi restaurants.

“It was an incredible nightmare,” said a homeless man, leaning against one of the few cherry trees that weren’t set ablaze in Lafayette Square, just across Pennsylvania Avenue from the White House. Identifying himself as former General Motors Corp. Chief Executive Rick Wagoner, who claimed he hid under a space blanket during the riot, the man was appalled something like this could happen in Washington. “It’s despicable those flies would do so much damage to their own neighborhoods. Do they think this is Los Angeles or Detroit?”

One Secret Serviceman, who refused to be indentified, said the Eisenhower Executive Office Building, where Vice President Joe Biden lives, was gutted by fire and feared destroyed.

“We were really scared the White House was next, once we got the vice president out of his underground bunker and managed to hide him in an abandoned subway station nearby,” he said. “He actually had a good time playing cards with the homeless guys down there. I think he felt right at home.”

The Secret Service tried using their Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catchers to trap as many flies as possible, but the flies kept resuming their assault once they were let free. “Now I know what the Gitmo detainees must be thinking of doing once we let them go,” the unidentified Secret Serviceman said.

The Pentagon finally called in crop dusters and strafed the entire city with secret stashes of illegal DDT, just in case there were outlying cells of flies ready to continue the fight.

“I know we’re not supposed to use that stuff, but the situation demanded appropriate action, and the president acted decisively in the best interests of the nation’s capital…and himself,” a Pentagon spokesman said. “We’ll deal with the fallout, and the possible increase in future cancer rates from Washington residents and government employees, when we have to. Besides, if we get national health care, anyone who gets sick from this stuff won’t be treated anyway. So, really, it’s a win-win.”

By mid-afternoon, the entire National Mall, the South Lawn, The Ellipse, the Washington Monument grounds, and Constitution Gardens were a sea of black, with dead flies piled a foot deep as if a blizzard from hell had engulfed the city.

The exterior of the White House was in disrepair, with most of the windows facing Lafayette Square shattered and the paint on the statuesque columns chewed away. On the south side of the building, the following words appeared to be scrawled in excrement on the fascia of the balcony: “You May Be the Messiah But You’re No Lord of the Flies.”

Sources say the president, who was in the building at the time of the attack, remains shaken but unharmed.

The entire city was also still in lockdown, with the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the National Guard, and officers of the Air Force Office of Special Investigations, Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, Capitol Police, Central Intelligence Agency, Defense Criminal Investigative Service, Department of State Diplomatic Security, Drug Enforcement Administration, Environmental Protection Agency, Federal Protective Service, Fish & Wildlife Service, Immigration and Customs Enforcement, Internal Revenue Service, Marshals Service, Naval Criminal Investigative Service, Postal Service, Secret Service, and Transportation Security Administration going door to door armed with cans of Raid to kill any remaining flies that might be in hiding.

Several government sources said they feared federal employees are now so afraid of something like this happening again that they’re going to quit their jobs and flee the area, ruining the city’s claim to the only dwindling unemployment rate in the nation.

Unsubstantiated rumors implicate People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) as organizers of the revolt. A spokesman for PETA refused to comment on the allegations or that fact that 10 members of PETA were arrested on Pennsylvania Avenue, including buxom blonde TV star Pamela Anderson, who was detained for trying to smuggle flies to safety inside her mouth.

The PETA spokesman did indicate his group would take action. “We have knowledge that so many flies from the Eastern seaboard were offended by the president’s murder of one of their innocent brothers that they joined in the revolt and were summarily executed themselves. We fear the damage to the ecosystem may be irreversible. We demand that Congress immediately take up legislation to add these exoskeletal beings to the endangered species list.”

The president himself issued this written statement through the White House Press Office:

“The history of our treatment of flies in this country is abhorrent. We are bad…very bad. I myself am even more bad:

Because I’m bad, I’m bad -- come on
(bad, bad -- really, really bad)
You know I’m bad, I’m bad -- you know it
(bad, bad -- really, really bad)
You know I’m bad, I’m bad -- come on, you know
(bad, bad -- really, really bad)
And the whole world has to answer right now
Just to tell you once again,
Who’s bad . . .

“I apologize for committing murder last week. I was tired. Gibbsy was over there, off camera, egging me on. We all thought it was a big joke. I see now how wrong I was. I look forward to dialoging with the flies, PETA, and anyone else concerned about this terrible incident in our history.”

This satire is also posted at Smart Girl Nation.

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Flies Revolt, Swarm White House

Never Go Full Retard, Regressives

NEVER GO FULL RETARD

Yes. I'm calling for WAR against lawlessness. Yes. I fear we are stumbling over the edge. Yes. We are being ruled by a stuttering clusterfuck of a miserable failure and 544 other buffoons. 


And. Yes. We. Are. Slaves. This comment on my piece from yesterday, posted here and at Conservative Hideout, just proves what I've been saying all along (The quoted lines are from my WAR piece.):

“This is no longer America. You no longer have the opportunity for the American Dream.” 

“THIS IS WAR.” 

No its not. This is the rule of law. You are making a utterly foolish spectacle of yourself doing the ‘chicken little – the sky is falling’ routine. 

This is USA, the will of the people, and how the system works. The people’s Congress passed the ACA. The President of USA has signed the ACA bill into law. The Supreme Court of USA has declared the ACA constitutional. 

Get over yourself. 

“Barack Obama swept into office in 2008 with a promise of hope and change, but in reality he’s fundamentally changed America –JUST AS HE SAID HE WOULD – and that “change” is to effectively dash all hope for any kind of future whatsoever.” 

You have forgotten USA is the land of the free, home of the brave? Having a safety under the high-flying trapeze artist does not prevent the artist from being any better or worse than the individual wants to be. 

The crux of the matter is so simple. You have convince yourself that you do not want a safety net for yourself (for reasons known only to the universe). It pi$$es you off to no end to think that there are others who do want a higher quality of life and are willing to pay for it. 

“You, we, me — we’re all slaves now.” 

Living in an advanced, modern, civil society makes one a slave?! Really? 

Ema Nymton
~@:o?

Never go full retard, regressives. Stop chooming the unicorn farts and step away from the stupid.

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Never Go Full Retard, Regressives

Guess What's on the Menu for the Dinner With Barack Contest?

Obama ate a dog. It was in his memoir, so it must be true. And when we found out, the jokes flowed like the river of campaign money he's been spending. Except we didn't run out. They're still coming.

That's because, while Demorrhoids keep running away from Obama along with his diminishing campaign funds, Obama's Twitterbot keeps tweeting photos of B.O. and Bo, as if the hilarity of the admission never occurred, even though we all know he prefers pitbull. 

I wonder if our king will bring Bo when he rides his rainbow bus through Pennsylvania next week, raising money from the little people while I'm there. (Does he have to ruin my vacation, too?)


But don't worry, I'm not racist; I'm just heckling his white half.

At least some poor sucker will know what's on the menu for the Dinner with Barack contest. Then, again, maybe that's not such a good idea.

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Guess What's on the Menu for the Dinner With Barack Contest?

Desperado: The Official Obama 2012 Campaign Song

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out campaigning for so long now
Oh, you're a weak one
Though we know you think you're Jesus
This money you beg for
You won't find it somehow

Don't you invoke executive privilege, boy
We'll beat you if we're able
You know hiding the truth is always your worst bet

Now it seems to me, the easy way
Was handed to you by default
But you only want the money you can't get

Desperado, oh, your campaign ain't gettin' easier
Your blame and plunder, they're drivin' us mad
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just something you ignore
Your prison is waiting when we toss you out the door

Don't your feet get cold when the polls go south?
Your lies get bigger when you open your mouth
It's hard to tell the ignorant from the insane
You're losin' all your party base
Ain't it funny how the voters go away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Stop begging for money, forget that November date
It may be rainin', but there's no  rainbow above you
You better quit while you're behind, before it's too late

UPDATE: Linked by IMAO. THANKS!

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Desperado: The Official Obama 2012 Campaign Song

Genius Barack Obama: The U.S. Needs "Bottom-up Economics"

I'm sure bottom-up economics (you know, from the 49% percent of the population that doesn't pay taxes) fueling a recovery in Barack Obama's next term will ... drain all swamps.

I know, maybe Obama can use eminent domain to confiscate every underwater middle class family home, then turn around and sell them to Mexican drug cartels.

Or let's confiscate all of the 50-inch HDTV screens from welfare recipients and peddle them to underprivileged countries.

Wait. You know what will jump-start the economy? Selling tickets to an MRI of Joe Biden's brain.

Or naming a homeless guy the Czar of Bottom-up Economics; he'd probably be just as qualified as Obama's current czars.

Even a pay-per-bow system every time Obama visits with a dignitary could do more good for the economy than anything that comes from his Marx-addled brain.

The comedy of horrors continues.

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Genius Barack Obama: The U.S. Needs "Bottom-up Economics"