Saturday, January 31, 2009

Friggin' TARP Counter...1/30/2009

Show me the money...

$295.20 billion to 350 financial institutions...and counting.


HEY! Look's almost time to tap the next $350 billion.


Advice to Nancy Pelosi: Photoshop IS Necessary

I couldn't make her look worse if I DID use Photoshop!

As Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi tries to Photoshop her reputation as a partisan bi-atch of epic proportions:
I didn’t come here to be partisan. I didn’t come here to be bipartisan. I came here, as did my colleagues, to be nonpartisan, to work for the American people, to do what is in their interest.
I thought it only fair to point out that she's focusing her efforts for change -- helping the president "remake" America -- in the wrong area.

I think it's in the best interest of the American people that she Photoshop herself.


Thursday, January 29, 2009

Mahmoud’s “Trump” Letter to Obama

Intercepted en route from Tehran to the White House this very minute and decoded using the new instant record-hacking software (medical, personal, thought, and mind-control!) embedded in the Obama economic stimulus plan!

Dear Mr. b. Hussein Obama:

I just LOVE that your name is Muslim! It gives me great faith in knowing that, if the President of the United States can have a Muslim name, Allah is truly shining his grace and benevolence down on us!

Yes We Can!

You cannot imagine the great joy felt by the rest of the world (well, the civilized world, meaning the great Muslim nations…although I am a bit tired of picking sand out of my underpants) that, I believe, represents the faith (praise Allah!) that never before have we been closer to annihilating your capitalist dog ideals, opening up a new chance for utter domination by Islam (and with it, bringing widespread poverty, low income, and relatively no freedom to the West, especially for your fair-haired women…evil bi-atches they are…Clothe them! Clothe them!).

While I am not a jihadi, per se, I sympathize with our brothers -- your brothers -- in their struggle for freedom from the Zionist yoke and their self-preservation priorities. Imagine their audacity to put self above world economic instability. Truly evil. (We wouldn’t hurt a sand flea! It’s really all just a big joke. I promise!)

If our brothers in freedom have a goal of the fall of your liberty, then so it is mine.

I write because I understand from the semi-capitalist (actually quasi-socialist-nihilist-lost their way-we will engulf your country!) pigs in England (ah, but their press is always so much more on top of things than your cheering liberal minions, no?) that you intend to write me, hoping to open a path toward face-to-face talks.

I would like to trump your attempts. (I believe it was your words the other day -- “I won. I will trump you on that” -- when you were faced with legitimate political discourse with your spoken enemies -- but countrymen -- that could have resulted in compromise that benefited the American people, rather than your party and your socialist agenda. Yes, b. Hussein…I have great knowledge of the American political process, and you have a lot to learn about appearing too confident for your britches -- hmm…I do believe that is the first time that term, “britches,” has ever been uttered on Iranian soil. I must seek out the guidance of the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei on this terrible development. But, later….)

As I was saying, it is my turn to vote you off the island! Ha! I watch too many late night American TV shows. (I admit, I have DirecTV…don’t let it get out among my countrymen…they’d be a little bit pissed, most living in sand huts and all…but how else can I watch your brilliant Communist CNN…and your “thrill going up my leg” partisan Chris Matthews? Does American journalism not resemble Al-Jazeera these days, or what?)

I will meet you…but only on my terms…and my terms alone. And I won’t even ask for the apology that I’ve been blathering on about in your media! That’s just for show.

Here are my real demands:
  • I request a Big Wheel. And not the cheap friggin’ crappy kind you make today in China. I want a true-blue, 1970s, knuckle-scraping, knee-scaring run-with-the-neighbor’s car Big Wheel that your kids used to ride down hills the size of Mt. Hood, without parental supervision, before the great craze of protecting your children (from evil men like me, I admit) consumed your nation. And I want to ride it in San Francisco, down Lombard Street. And I want a Ben and Jerry’s ice cream cone, double scoop, when I reach the bottom (and you should have your gloriously efficient 911 standing by, just in case).
  • I want to go on Letterman. That stupid fool has been telling dumb “Top 10” jokes so long he now has guests do it for him. He can’t fart and be funny anymore. Surely you evil Americans know this?
  • I want to meet the girl selling her virginity on the Internet. She’s not worth $3.7 million, but I have that much under my thumbnail, so I can do my one charitable deed of the year…and probably win a few fans in America. Won’t that help “remake” your country, a foreign devil copulating with a whore for charity?
  • I want to play baseball with George Bush. I understand he thinks he can pitch. I’ve got a maple bat that says it will splinter on the first foul ball…now if I can only direct the shards towards the pitcher’s mound.
  • Last, I want…I want…I reallyreallyreallyreallyreally REALLY want to touch the button. You know what I’m talking about. We won’t have one here for another 6 months or so…but I just want to touch one. Now…Please??????
Yours, in jihad,

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

FIRE 'EM ALL! Blago lets loose...

Blago goes NUTSO! in his defense...just before the Illinois Senate boot his ass to the unemployment line.

More Blago nonense (via Politico) here and (in video) here.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

"My President Is Black"

I wonder if President b. Hussein appreciates this brilliant source of reason, intelligence, and lyricism from Young Jeezy. It certainly bridges divides, celebrates bringing people together, and ends divisiveness. This place calls it the "New, post-racial America theme song"... because of this inauguration run up tirade by Young Jeezy and Jay-Z.

Can you imagine, late at night, in the White House Master Bedroom, the president jamming to the rhythm through his earbuds, while looking over a final copy of the stimulus package?

I sure as hell hope not...because these guys sure have a weird way of making absolutely no friggin' sense at all.

Monday, January 26, 2009


This would pertain to about 62 million Americans...ZOMBIES! all....AHHHHHHHHH!


BREAKING NEWS: LalaPalooza Says Babies No Longer Allowed; BAD for Economy!

WASHINGTON, D.C. – An aging nation got really friggin’ old today, as Washington lawmakers proposed banning the pagan practice of having children.

Speaker of the House Nancy Palooza boldly proclaimed that adding birth control funding to President Barrack Obama’s economic stimulating package “will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government."

It will save billions, she said. “Just think of the productivity that will go up when mothers, who would normally be taking 6 weeks off for maternity leave actually WORK! their lazy asses off during those 6 weeks,” Palooza said. “And how many fathers will stay late for work if they don’t have to rush off to coach baseball or watch a swim meet? This is the greatest pork barrel add on to any piece of legislation in the history of School House Rock!”

Under the ban, mothers will no longer be able to become pregnant unless they first file an application for “birth permission” with Congress. Palooza herself will judge which women are allowed to procreate and which will be deemed “workforce necessities.”

“I’ve often said that having 5 children and 6 grandchildren will never compare to being Speaker of the House,” Palooza said. “I would gladly go back and have fewer – or NONE – if it could save the government money…so we can buy a really cool toilet for my office – one that squirts me clean!”

Snippets of her interview today with George SnuffleupagusMathewsThrillUpMyLeg III on NC17 TV:
SNUFFLEUPAGUSMATTHEWSTHRILLUPMYLEG: Hundreds of millions of dollars to expand family planning services (I haven’t been able to speak in a complete sentence since Slick Willie surprised me from behind in 1992). That stimulus?

PALOOZA: Well, the family planning services reduce cost. Those damned babies are SUCH a drain on the economy. I mean, really. When you have a baby today your health insurance doesn’t even cover the full ride, and you’re left to pay all of the overages yourself, so you suck up to the government for a handout. Do you know what hospital diapers COST THESE DAYS? It would SO reduce costs on the state. (I don’t have any facts whatsoever to support my claim…but I won…just like the President…so I can say and do whatever the hell I want, right?) The states are in a terrible fiscal budget crisis now…and fewer friggin’ children would SO benefit them now, hell, with what we do for your children’s health, education, and the free lunch program? I mean…you can’t tell me that homeschooling moms and dads actually BENEFIT the country…by paying taxes to school districts and getting crappola in return, while they teach their kids better than your average school teacher with government student loans out the wazoo! Our kids deserve better. They deserve to be managed. From before conception. Hell…one of the initiatives you mentioned, contraception…something I don’t know a lot about, but I’m ready to get behind for the benefit of our national economy…will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government.

‘Cause everyone knows condoms are really expensive and the economy has made it really hard for people to afford them. So the states send them samples, monthly. Do you know what it costs to mail condoms these days?

SNUFFLEUPAGUSMATTHEWSTHRILLUPMYLEG: (Starts crying because he thinks he heard an Obama speech in the background) So, no apologies for that?

PALOOZA: No apologies. We have to deal with the consequences of the downturn in our economy. Fewer mouths to feed means more cash for the federal government. And that’s always a good thing.

Care for some Soylent Green, George? It's new...and young.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Blago Is...Ghandi-King-Mandella

On Sunday's NBC Today:
Blagojevich, talking about the day of his arrest: "The day unfolded and I had a whole bunch of of thoughts. Of course my children, and my wife. And then I thought about Mandela, Dr. King, Ghandi, and tried to put some perspective in all this."
Well...damn, Blago. And I thought you were Mayor Daley (et al).

I'm sorry the rooms where the FBI recordings of your bullshit took place represent "a violation" for you....I'm taking action, heavy action, that you're going to find out the true meaning of that word when you get to meet the queens in prison.


National Bank of Obama, Reprise

I just friggin' HATE it when I'm onto something. (Please! I hope his subject doesn't become my weekly Sunday sermon.)

It makes me think all the grumpy crap I spew here actually means something. Don't get me wrong. I DON'T WANT IT TO! I'm going for nothing more than fanciful half-assed attempts to entertain a group of people (that'd be you 58+ million NObama voters and some of you 62 million Obama voters who...hopefully...someday come to your senses) that I spit out during 4 martinis.

Oh, hell. Full disclosure: I'm just jagging you...I SO friggin' want it all to be true (so that I look all cool and smart and get famous and shit), because that's what I'm supposed to say.

But it really isn't the truth.... The ACTUAL truth is really going to hurt these next 4 years (let's look forward to a little "hope and change" beyond then, shall we?).

I don't think he can win, no matter what The Messiah does (and if they ask me to pray for him during Sunday mass one more friggin' time, I swear I'm going to scream out "Jimmy Hoffa IS ALIVE!" just so they throw me out):
Nationalizing the banks. We tried that once...Thomas Jefferson pointed out how it's not even Constitutional. NOT that such trivialities friggin' matter anymore.

Creating a government-owned "bad bank" to take the toxic assets off of the bank's balance sheet. Yeah...that's a real great solution. Take on so much debt we'll never recover. That's a real bright idea.

Continuing the Bush Administration rescue plan of pumping in taxpayer money on an as-needed basis. I've been against this one all along: "Money, get back. I'm all right jack keep your hands off of my stack." If TARP has cost us this much so far...when will it ever friggin' end if we go on and on and on with this crap? friggin' won't.

It's a gawd. Awful. Mess.


When you look at whacked statements such as this:
A nationalization plan would likely wipe out all shareholder equity, including the preferred shares, and turn ownership of the banks over to Uncle Sam. (I'm fine if Uncle Sam...which, right now, happens to be the "preferred shareholder"...gets less money...but what about your average and me?)
And this crap:
"If you took a nationalization policy, you would at least create some degree of certainty because now you know the government is going to stand behind these institutions," said Kevin Jacques, 49, a former economist with the Treasury Department. Gov't stand BEHIND something? I get real friggin' worried when the gov't is standing behind me. Don't you Kevin? That's why the Founders gave us this.
And this insanity...

It's really clear. REALLY clear. The National Bank of Obama has a damned friggin' good chance of becoming reality. And I can't even wrap my mind around where it's taking us...but I have a pretty good feeling it's nowhere good.

Guess I better practice my goose step.

Well...that's probably a little strong. Maybe I should just start with, "here are my papers, sir."

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Archie Bunker for President in 2012

Digital Publius over here knows what he's talking about when he says:
This was the 70’s? You would think this was on last week's episode. It does a great job of pointing out the consistency of the democratic party. It is almost scary. I guess it proves the Bible when it says; there is nothing new under the son.
Archie Bunker is a classic character...funny, outrageous, and (even 30-plus years later) absolutely friggin' on the money:


Subway Photoshop

This guy who looks like Jake Gyllenhaal (Robert Graysmith in "Zodiac") takes a razor blade and rearranges subway posters. Is there more money in that? If so...where's my razor?


Friday, January 23, 2009

Welcome to My Obama Bunker (SHHH!)

Stay the HELL away from my loo!

Welcome to my Obama bunker. I’ve been stocking this thing…oh… for about 2 years, ever since b. Hussein entered the race. We all knew it was coming to this…even if no one wanted to say it aloud…and I just had to make sure I was ready for whatever comes my way.

Watch your step. It’s a little cluttered down here. I have so many supplies I can barely get back to the Reliance Luggable Loo (So handy, so convenient you might find yourself saying, "Luggable Loo, I love you!"). And that’s the most important part of any bunker.

On your right, there, witness 782 cases of homebrewed beer (I gave the other 218 to Amy Winehouse for Christmas). That’s prime grade-A ale, my friend, brewed with thicketberry, dandelion, and some orange peels left over from the orange tree I dug up, hauled here, and potted in my living room when we fled Florida (we were a little worried about Al Gore’s predictions of a new coastline).

Right behind that…damn…sorry about that, son…you should be a little more careful…it doesn’t take two eyes to see a forklift in front of your face (that’s my battering ram, in case the Obama Mania Media get wind of this place).

As I was saying, right behind that, along the whole south wall there, we’ve got AKs, SKSs, 9s, 44s, 20-gauges, 10-gauges, 30-aught-6s, and 50-cals. Yeah…we’re pretty prepared around here. You never know when you’ll have too few, particularly since is ALL loopy to spill the beans on Obama’s gun-law plan. Yeah…I took advantage of the gun show loop hole in recent years. So what? Haven’t you seen what government can do to unarmed citizens?

Below them, well, those ammo cans aren’t stuffed with cigars.

BUT…we do have 65 cases of Montecristo No. 2s over here…AND…an air filtration system that turns smoke into water. No…nimrod…not so I can drink it or breathe clean air. For watering the orange tree and flushing the Luggable Loo! Water…Jeez…you think I brewed 782 cases of beer so I could drink water? Hell…that’s what those 20 50-gallon drums are for, right back there on the north wall…. No, dummy…they’re not full of water…are you paying attention? They’re full of VODKA. I figure if the shit hits the fan and anyone who voted for Obama comes around looking for something to drink, I’ll be friendly as hell (while armed, of course) and give them some “water.” After a few sips, they’ll pass out, we’ll push them out the door, and slide the Willocks home. (Did I mention I have Michael Vick standing guard as a sacrificial idiot inside if the locks fail? I figure the first 100 or so people who get in will be so pissed at him, they’ll try to drown him in the vodka before hearing the “click-click-click” of my interior claymore mine defense.)

Jeez…do you ask some dumb questions. You sure you’re not with the OMM? No…bright eyes…I’m not worried about bacteria polluting the vodka (what… you always hear people talk about claymore mines and ignore it?), Vodka is STERILE…you can do friggin’ surgery with it.

Hell, I’ll bet I just gave you a better answer than that muttering fool press secretary Robert Gibbs on day 1 [or day 2 or 3 or…1,461]: “Ahh…ahh….ahh…well…I think…ahh…the president…ahh…answered that…ahh…what was the question again?...ahh…oh yeah…he gave you an idea of whether…ah…or not we’re at war…ah…in his inauguration speech. So…you’ll just have to go on YouTube for your quote…ahh…I guess.”

Yep…anyway…I’m thinking that’s enough fluids to get me through 8 years, give or take a few complete country-wide shutdowns. Lord knows, booze will be the next item taxed to pay off the 1 trillion bucko deficit b. Hussein plans to add this year to the current 11 or so trillion bucko deficit. So…again…I was thinking ahead.

No, dippy…I’m not counting on just 4 years. Like I said…I’m thinking ahead. Why? Well, when you start handing out $1,000 tax credits to people who didn’t earn $1,000 in 2008…dontcha think they’re going to vote for him again?

I mean, can you believe the expectations placed on this guy? People think he’s going to fix global warming, the economy, end the war on terror (or is it a more subtle thing, like a “dialogue with our brothers of Islam?”), bring the crops back to life with Gatorade, and serve up free monster truck rallies every Sunday!

He can’t help but put every able bodied citizen in the country on the public dole. Dick Morris is right…under b. Hussein America WILL become like socialist France. Which might be pretty cool, actually. I mean…do we all get a statue of the Eiffel Tower and immediately act like assholes when anyone asks us a question in a foreign language? I can’t friggin’ WAIT! ‘Cause right now, I have to act like I’m doing that dude from Oman a favor when I try to discuss the merits of contemporary oil policy, freedom of religion, and how we frown on suicide bombers in HIS friggin’ language…because he doesn’t know mine.

Welcome to America, Sahibi (Saa-hebi) صاحبي

Anyway, right back here, I’ve got my private collection of Charlize Theron photos. Yes…she’s clothed, you degenerate. What…do I look like Larry JackAss Flynt to you? Notice I’m not applying for a bailout. Notice I have a bunker…self-sustenance…self-reliability.

I don’t need anyone to pay my gas bills and mortgage for me.

Hey…just why are you here anyway? Ah hah!…you’re with the Obama crew, aren’t you? How’d you find this place anyway…did you use that damned WhosHere app for the iPhone to find me? I KNEW I should have flushed that piece of crap a long time ago. And I thought I was being a smartass having a backup for surfing Drudge in case I go underground while the world goes to hell.

Hey!…looky here…did I show you the Reliance Luggable Loo?

I’ve added a neat little hack…yep… (girglgirglgirglgirlgl!) it disposes of spies, too.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Two Queens With a Bad Friggin' Hat

The queen of soul, Aretha Franklin, and the queen of the soul-less, Ellen DeGeneres, have one thing in common...bad friggin' ObamaLuv hats.

Hey, really want my opinion on who wore it better? It's right here in the middle of my hand...see the only finger raised.

(Thanks for the tip, Mrs. ADHD.)

UPDATE: least it inspired free-market enterprise.

UPDATE 2: I've been culturally corrected (I'm such a baaad man). Aretha is wearing a hat well within gospel tradition, in which black women wear such crowns to church every Sunday....I admit my stupidity (there's more where that came from).

So, then....'Splain to me Ellen!


I Pledge...To Laugh a HELL of a Lot at This

Celebutante glitterati and their love for Democratic presidents are nothing new. But Iowahawk's Pledge of Obama Allegiance feels so much more satisfying than any ole thrill going up my leg:

Some guy with baseball cap that I guess I'm supposed to know: I pledge.

Stringy-haired Manson girl with creepy gray eyes: I pledge.

Demi Moore: Too-ooo-oo smile more.

Eva Longoria: To laugh more!

Can't quite place her, but think I maybe saw her on a cosmetics commercial once: [intense glare] to LOVE more.

Black Eyed Peas guy: I pledge.

Evita Lopez or Chiquita Gonzalez or something like that: To help children battle with serious illnesses -- by standing here on the far right side of the frame.

Beats the hell outta me: Or here, on the left side of the frame.

Cameron Diaz: Me plemdge.

Nicole Richie: To give up food all together.

Possibly that red-haired chick from Spiderman: To be a great mother.

Some d-bag from that emo band, "Fallout Charlotte" or something, that my daughter was into when she was 11: To be a great father.

Demi Moore: To hire only the best nannies... because all of our children deserve a good nanny.

Lucy Liu: To continue working to support raising awareness as a voice for UNICEF and their international nanny awareness programs.

That witch show chick that used to be on the Tony Danza sitcom: To volunteer my voice coach to give a voice to those who have no voice, so they can have a voice.

I eat bullets and glass for the next 4 I can toughen up to pay this lady's mortgage:


Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Sweet Caroline Shines No More...or Maybe...or...Maybe Not!

My FAVORITE she-men

The golden girl dropped out of the race for Hill's NY junior seat in the U.S. Senate today. Seems she got tired of having to defend her non-record of never having done squat, save being borne of a former president.

In this case, Camelot fell. Which is really funny, because the OMM was just about all over NY Gov. David Patterson being ready to name her Hill's replacement.

UPDATE: Oh, balls...and fer Pete's sakes..Princess C. says she's still in the game. Is she a friggin' boing-boing yo-yo, or was that a 70s high school student I just saw streaking across the park?


UPDATE 2: Yep...she's gone. Thanks be to God.

The Oath...Take 2...Good Lord, How Long Will This Go On?

Once wasn't enough for The One. After Justice John Roberts butchered delivering the oath to President Barack Hussein Obama yesterday...he had to do it the White House.

Apparently several constitutional scholars, law abiding and deriding citizens that they are, advised the president he'd potentially suffer a legal challenge (from whom, Biden?) if he didn't do it right. When all else fails, always avoid the lawsuit. That's my motto (right up there with I Hate).

So...they spent your money and mine today (what's a few more bucks when you spent $150 million the day before?) to do it all over again, without the 1 million, 2 million, 500 googillian viewers, right there in the office that Michelle Obama, in her infinite bedspread taste, will no doubt redesign (as one of the major accomplishments of the president's first 100 days, of course!). After all, it was only last week that Slick admired George's rug. Perhaps better to languish on.

So on Day 1...we're treated with "the law" and a super-abundance of caution.

Where have I heard all this "change" before?

UPDATE: But there was no Bible. Fodder for talkshow commentary for the next 4 years.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Really, George...We Will Miss You

Screw you, Letterman...George is WAY funnier than you.


Michelle Obama's Bedspread

Stuck On Stupid is right. Can she wear anything and look un-mannish?

MLK to Obama...My Ass

I've been circling around words and paragraphs and analogies for days trying to say exactly what this smart friggin' guy says for me. So...I'll shut up and let him speak profundity:


Bye, George...Hello...WTF????

So long, George...



That's a real confidence builder.

Yes, Mr. would appear it truly is time for us all to pitch in, since every time you mention it's "a new era of responsibility" you really mean it's "a time for you citizen-comrades to give just a little more, and then a little bit extra," and the Dow drops accordingly.

My non-retirement and kids' non-college funds thank you.

Well done, Mr. President. Congratulations for the worst opening in history. I hope your balls danced well'll need them for the coming 1,461 days.

Very friggin' inspiring...indeed.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

The National Bank of Obama

You want a bank you can trust. You want to know your money is safe. You want to feel assured in these uncertain times.

At the National Bank of Obama, your peace of mind is our top friggin’ priority. The storm may be gathering, the sky may be falling, global warming may be freezing your ass off this winter, and the nation may have slipped into economic chaos beyond epic purportions never before seen (except for every other recession), but we at National Bank of Obama have your best interests at heart.

What’s that? Never heard of us before? You should have.

We were going to call ourselves BankofAmerica-CitiGroup-AIG-WellsFargo-JPMorganChase-GeneralMotors-GoldmanSachs-PNC-Bancorp-Chrysler-GMAC-SunTrust-CapitalOne-Regions-FifthThird-AmericanExpress-BB&T-NewYorkMellon-KeyCorp-Comerica-StateStreet-Marshall&Ilsley-NorthernTrust-Zions-HuntingtonBanchshares-Discover-Synovous-et al…[you can breathe, now]…but we didn’t think the name rolled off the tongue too well.

As a prime shareholder of every top financial institution in America, the National Bank of Obama (formerly known as the Federal Reserve and Treasury Department, respectively) seemed a more appropriate name. (We felt the name “BushBanc” wouldn’t be taken too seriously, at home or abroad.) So, with fewer than 48 hours left before the historic inauguration of Barack Hussein Obama as the 44th president of the United States, we’d like to announce the complete annexation and nationalization of every bank in America.

We owe it to our government and you, our citizen-comrades, to provide a firm financial ground for everyone to stand on, since “government…[please take a dramatic pause to complete the re-creation of our Messiah’s proclamation] the only way for our economy to survive” these perilous times, because, you know, government has such a long history of balancing budgets and keeping careful watch over the people’s money.

At the National Bank of Obama, we guarantee your retirement, your kid’s education, your checking and savings accounts, your home loans, car loans, credit cards, burial plot, and your life-auto-home-business-health insurance, even your dog insurance. (If you are a freedom-fighter, we’ll gladly provide you with loans that follow shariah lending practices…while charging double interest for non-Muslims to make up the difference.)

Not Muslim and need money? We’ll print it for you…for a small payday loan fee. We do it for ourselves, anyway (except we never pay anything back). Lose your job? We’ll give you a government job…with benefits (including polishing the Messiah’s brass ring). This takeover…umm…consolidation gives us the great financial authority…sorry…opportunity not seen since the early 1800s to control the nation's banking and the 1930s to provide for your well-being. Consider us your kind sugar daddy, your benevolent Henry Potter, your smiling Donald Trump (except we’ll be saying “you’re hired” when we put the unemployed back to work, building bridges, toll roads, and monuments to our most beatific president).

This is only the first step in renewing the promise of America. In the coming months, the National Bank of Obama will fund efforts for renewable energy, stem-cell research, AND we’ll give Mexican illegals access to birth control! Someday soon everyone will even be able to visit their local bank to receive their paycheck, a flu shot, or be put to sleep if they can’t afford to eat any longer!

We’ll make it through these difficult times together. The National Bank of Obama…always there when you need us. (Only card-carrying liberals need apply.)

Saturday, January 17, 2009

I Am Boy George

I am Boy George, and I'm a friggin' walking circus. I’ve got a Star of David tattooed on my head, I look better in makeup than Angelina Jolie, and I like to whip my boys with chains.

Give me a needle and a spoon, and I’ll show you a culture club you’ve never seen before. Come check me out in the slammer. Oh, yeah, baby! I’m down for 15 months. I’ll be singing “Yes we can” in the prison basement so much they’ll think I’M Obama.

AND, I get to look pretty in pink, like DMX!

Forget that “Do you really want to hurt me" crap. I’m a man…a girl…no…A MAN…well…until I put on eye shadow. F$%k it all to hell. I can hardly contain myself!
I feel pretty
Oh so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and bright
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight
I feel charming
Oh so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel
And so pretty
that I hardly can believe I'm real
That's all I got for you. I've got to go. They're leading me away (cuffed and chained...YES!). I’m a karma chameleon, and my karma just took a friggin’ turn for the worse.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

So Good, Newspapers Practically Sell Themselves!

It’s awful when you’re down and out, but even the late late late night advertising stars suffer in this crappy economy.

Take Vince. Once the popular shill of sponge cloth for insomniacs, poor Vince has fallen on hard times. Really friggin’ hard times. Now that paper towels are cheaper than Shamwow! Vince has been forced to sell the next best thing to toilet paper: Newspapers.

“I don’t know. It sells itself,” Vince says, holding up the latest old news that was outdated the minute the ink dried. “What the hell…it lines a bird cage better than Shamwow! And don’t tell me it’s not worth the paper it’s printed on.”

Actually, Vince, I’m sorry to let you know, but most of us with any sense left print 10 years ago when we knew it was going to die. You need to catch up, son. That newspaper you’re holding isn’t good enough for my puppy to crap on.

Leon Panetta: Latest to Make Dickipedia

Leon, demonstrating how to avoid the obvious.

Leon Panetta, White House chief of staff under X-42, from 1994-1997 (better known as the Lewinsky scandal era), didn't know a thing about the ex-president's Oval Office liaisons with The Big Cigar Lover.

Which, of course, makes ALL the sense in the world for Barack Obama to appoint him head of the CIA. A great spy always looks the other way, they say (or did I just make that up?).

What's even way cooler, Panetta's qualifications (he's tough with an Excel spreadsheet and knows how to fire the most important company man and heap even more work on the overworked, to keep costs down) have earned him a much higher award than head freedom-fighter chaser. He's also now profiled on Dickipedia. Because...well...he's a dick...and a half.
While there is little wrong with Panetta as a person, there is something massively dickish about his complete lack of qualifications for this all-important job. Obama reportedly selected Panetta for his managerial skills, bipartisan standing, and budget experience, all of which should come in pretty handy when searching through desert caves to hunt down al-Qaeda leaders.
And then, Dickipedia points out these awesome qualifications:
"Panetta has received several awards over his distinguished career and, of course, none of them have anything to do with running an intelligence agency. However, we’ve taken the liberty of stretching to find even the slightest connection."
1969 — Abraham Lincoln Award, National Education Association

• There wasn’t a single terrorist attack on the U.S. during the Lincoln presidency.

1988 — Golden Plow Award, American Farm Bureau Federation

• What better sign that Panetta will protect the nation’s food supply?

1991 — President's Award, American Council on the Teaching of Foreign Languages

• Terrorists speak in a foreign language. Next.

1991 — Coastal and Ocean Management Award, Coastal Zone Foundation

• America is most vulnerable to attack on the coasts, and Panetta sure as heck manages them well.

1997 — Special Achievement Award for Public Service, National Italian American Foundation

• This is kinda sorta foreign policy experience, right?

2003 — Julius A. Stratton "Champion of the Coast" Award for Coastal Leadership

• Not only does Panetta manage the vulnerable coasts, he’s a champion of them!
We should all feel safer tonight, knowing in a week a great dick will be watching over worldly threats to our life, limb, and liberty.

I sure as hell feel safer. Don't you?

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

YouTube and Congress

Hey, Harry Reid, Nancypalooza, et al...I may be out on a limb here, but I'm pretty friggin' confident few of us are going to be looking Congress up on YouTube, EXCEPT:
  1. To broadcast what you idiots did wrong
  2. To nail your butts before and during re-election (this applies to both parties, boys and girls)
  3. To post, on our blogs, whatever goofy, whacky, outrageous, and downright embarrassing crap you people spew...even if you're grandstanding from your friggin' office.
We're waiting without holding our breath. In fact, here's the spoof that Congress and YouTube don't friggin' work. (How about "Operation Horse's Ass"?)


The Cult of...Obama

One of these day's I'll have to find other subject matter to write about, but stupidity isn't always spread evenly. Here we have "larger than life art," according to our giddy narrator, from Chicago elementary school kids, bringing this sky-view image of Barack Obama to life:


Monday, January 12, 2009

OMG! Obama Meets with that Mexican Dude!

"In a time honored tradition!" (yeah, man, TIME HONORED!), president-elect Barack Obama had lunch today with Mexican President Felipe Calderon.

With two ongoing wars in the Middle East, one in Afghanistan, and a worldwide recession that has world leaders frantic, the first big-time leader Obama meets is...Calderon.


You can only imagine what they talked about...amnesty for illegals...the baja surf...and probably where Obama can score some good smoke, wholesale.

They also sang a rendition of this classic:
Mexican Americans don't like to just get into gang fights they like flowers and music and white girls named Debby, too.

Mexican Americans are named Chata and Chella and Chima have a son in law named Jeff.

Mexican Americans don't like to get up early in the morning but they have to so they do it real slow.

Mexican Americans love education so they go to night school and they take Spanish and get a B.

Mexican Americans love their Nanas and their Nonos and their Ninas and their Ninos, nananononinanino, no no.

Mexican Americans don't like to go to movies where the dude has to wear contact lenses to make his blue eyes brown cause don't it make my brown eyes blue.

That's awesome, Barack. The Cheech and Chong president doth take office in just about 7 days.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Obama’s Secret Letter to Hamas

January 10, 2009

Barack Hussein Obama
Office of the President-Elect
PO BOX 8102
Chicago, Illinois 60682

Dear Khaled Mashaal, Ismail Haniyah, Mahmoud Zahar, Ayman Taha, JamalAbu Hashim, Salah el-Bardawil, Mohamed Nasser, or Imad el-Alami (or whoever is in charge and receives this before getting extinguished by a smart bomb):

I extend personal greetings from the highest office of the United States (well, it will be mine in 10 days, but screw it, let’s just say I’m in charge now). I hope this letter finds you well (and with all of your limbs). I understand you may be hiding in a tunnel somewhere near the Egyptian border. If you need toilet paper, water, or Jew-eating rabbits, please let me know. I believe a merchant ship will be heading your way from Greece soon, and I’m sure they’ll be willing to drop off my package in Gaza before docking in Ashdod.

I’m writing to set your mind at ease. You may have heard recently that my transition team and I have discussed reaching out to you through back channels while officially calling you a terrorist organization and pledging to continue President Bush’s pro-Israeli policies. The confusion is deliberate. As was our intent, the dimwitted media is focusing on the contradiction and exhausting all leads that point to either scenario, instead of the nature of our true plans.

The truth is, my number one foreign policy priority, after I become the 44th President of the United States, will be to reach out to you publicly through Richard Haass, my Middle East envoy, and legitimize your organization and your efforts. As I said all along on my hope and change tour last year, I plan to have a dialogue with critical parties on critical issues.

I believe firmly in the power of talk (it got me elected, after all). I know we can reach a common path; for instance…you hate the Great Satan of America, and I hate the Great Satan of America. You want to change Israel back into Palestine; I want to complete the changing of America to a nanny state. I believe we can use this commonality to create a bridge to a greater understanding of each other and to affect positive change in the direction of both our nations.

From poll and focus group data we’ve collected, we believe we can change the dynamic of your situation and increase public support for Hamas by using alternative terms. Instead of “terrorism,” we will say “the struggle for freedom,” and “freedomist” instead of “terrorist.” Instead of calling it “suicide” when one of your bombers blows up a school bus of children, we will refer to it as “a deep expression of passion.” “Rocket attacks” will now be known as “mail.” I will also personally issue an executive order that declares all American media is owned by the state and can show images only of Israeli bombings and atrocities and must disregard anything Hamas does to harm a fly. (Oh, wait, they already do that anyway.)

We also think you might want to change your name to Humus. It would diminish fear of you, partly brought about by the threatening ring of Hamas.

People will listen to me. They know I’m right when I say that government is the only way to effectively bring about positive change. It will work for the American economy; it will work to achieve your goals.

In the coming months, after Mr. Haass has established open channels with you, I will send Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to work out more details of a stronger accord. (Don’t worry, she’s really a man, so you won’t have to be offended by actually talking to a woman.) We WILL achieve the great societies we seek.

In the meantime, please keep your head down. The Messiah is coming.

President-elect Barack Hussein Obama

Friday, January 9, 2009

Obnoxio the Friggin’ Loony Clown

I’m pretty friggin’ whacked so there aren’t many I’d bow down to and anoint as more nutty than I am…well…I did write that hero worship about Iowahawk a while back. But I’m also American, so that leaves me at a disadvantage, having been born with a stick up my arse, as they like to say across the pond.

That’s why I go over there now and then and visit a few anti-government types who REALLY know a lot about lunacy. It keeps my power dry…I can only read so much blathering idiocy here about the Messiah, and write the words “the Messiah,” so many times without wanting to ram a rusty pitch fork up my nose to get it all over with fast. (I’ve worked it out in the garage…there’d be a little pain, but trading 5 to 10 seconds of self-inflicted excrutiation in lieu of the next 4 to 8 years of Solyent Green is utterly friggin’ tempting…Ssh! Don’t tell Mrs. ADHD!)

But THIS f%$ker (sorry if you’re squeamish, but you’ll understand in just a second) is the nut of the nuts, the top clown. I can’t go a day without visiting, if for nothing more than just to spit a mouthful of Fuller’s all over my LCD screen (I’ve rigged up a set of wipers…no lie). If you don’t like trashy mouths…just click back now. If you DO…man…turn up the volume (in your head, you twat).

Why are kids afraid of him? They need to be, that’s friggin’ why. And I’m absolutely flipping I found him.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Slick Willie: "I Love This Rug"

Did you catch Slick's comment at the end of today's meeting of "ex-presidents"?

"I love this rug," X-42 says. Hmm...does he have something in mind for it?


Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I’m Roland Burris, and I Want to Sit Down

I’m Roland Burris, and I want to sit down. I’m the former attorney general of the State of Illinois, but that doesn’t seem to carry much weight with these crotchety old D.C. boys (and gals). Maybe I need to let a girlfriend drown in my sunken car first to gain any cred around here. I could always show my mettle hanging out in the men’s pisser at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. Why, I bet the boys would see me differently if I took Helen Thomas down to the Senate Tunnel and slipped her some tongue.

I’m Roland Burris, and I want to sit down. I’ve been busting my hump out here grandstanding for you narcissitic reporters all day, for two straight days now. I’ve tried to enter the building, only to be told I must have valid paperwork to get in. I’ve tried to hand in my paperwork, only to be told it’s not signed by my parents. I showed them my driver’s license; it says right there that I’m Roland Burris, from Illinois. See?! What more do they need? Somebody’s got to show me some respect in this town. In fact, my first bill, when I finally get to sit down, will be a national I.D. card that lists your occupation, Social Security Number, savings account number, fund adminstrator’s dirtiest secret, and the location of the mattress where you hide your unreported income.

I’m Roland Burris, and I want to sit down. Despite Gov. Rod Blajoveich ordering the world not to fault me for his mistakes (the Feds have it on camera, by the way), not one of you senators has extended your hand to welcome me into your chambers. I don’t get what the big deal is. It’s not like that fundraiser I held for Blago at my home had any strings attached. And you can’t tell me that the $22,295 my lobby gave Blago actually meant anything. And there’s NOTHING to the report that my lobbying firm’s $705,435 in state contracts has ANYTHING to do with my past support of The Hair.

I’m Roland Burris, and I want to sit down. Why did that guy with the soiled Cubs hat just come up and say, “Mr. Burris, I always thought we would win The Series when you were pitching at Wrigley; when they let you play in the Senate can you introduce a bill to have Bartman executed?”

I’m Roland Burris, and I want to sit down. Why does Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., keep saying my appointment to the Senate is not certified by Illinois Secretary of the State Jesse White? But then White turns around and says his signature is merely ceremonial and that the U.S. Senate should be saying whether or not I can finally sit down (and my dogs are tired!). Will somebody please explain to me why my own party is treating me like I’m a Republican?

I’m Roland Burris, and I want to sit down. I’m 71 years old, and I have to settle for being the junior senator from Illinois. I demand my right to 214 days off a year. I demand my right to free meals. I demand my right to at least two years of living high and mighty on the taxpayer dole. I demand the Illinois Supreme Court sit that Jesse White guy down, put a pen in his hand, and make him sign that damned certificate.

But, most of all, my only regret over all of this, having watched the 111th Congress sworn in yesterday on television, is, “My gosh, that should have been me.” I’m Roland Burris, and I just want what’s coming to me. I want to sit down…where I belong…among all the other frauds.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Jimmy Carter’s Crappy Carpentry and Contracting, LLC

You’re down and out.

Maybe you still lived at home (at 37), mainlined heroin in your parents’ bedroom, and threw up all over the Tibetan-Armenian-Persian-Turkish silk artisan carpeting one too many times, so they tossed you, your Playstation Moon-Ray 6, and your Hitachi 184-inch HDTV out on Park Avenue. Maybe you’ve blown your life savings on BINGO!, LOTTO!, nickel slots, senior lap-dance nights, and several emails from someone claiming to represent the Nigerian government (after all, they can’t ALL be spammers!) and can no longer afford your to-die-for (really) one-bedroom flat in that posh “retirement community.” Maybe your deadbeat husband ran off with his 24-year-old buxom blonde secretary (sorry, administrative assistant) to start a home movie Internet business in the Caymans (age 18 and credit card required!), saddling you with five sniveling mutants under the age of 6 and a pile of bills so high the bank couldn’t find your home when they came to snatch it back; subsequently, you’re now in the wholesome care of dear ole Mom and Dad, who’ve started snorting Vladimir vodka just to get through the days (and those crazy, sleepless nights).

We can help.

At Jimmy Carter’s Crappy Carpentry and Contracting, we offer housing for the down on their luck. We require no campaign (or presidential library fund) contributions (unlike X-42), no down payments, in fact, no payment of any kind! Our work is so friggin’ crappy, we’re GIVING our homes away! Yes, with the help of a few thousand not-even-close-to-professional Samaritans donating their blessed stewardship and terrible craftsmanship to Habitat for Wayward Adults and Their Spawn, and a few Z-list Hollywood pinups (at least with makeup on) who don’t know the business end of a hammer from their vibrators or hookahs or crack pipes, we can build a whole community in fewer than 17 days!

Imagine the luxury of your very own (AND FREE!) home, complete with (FREE!) cockroaches, mildew, and mysterious skin rashes! You’ll be the talk of the town. Relatives, who previously wouldn’t be caught dead within 500 miles of you and made faces (remarkably similar to the tension of a bowel movement) when speaking of you, will stop by, wide-eyed, with gap-toothed-grins, just to set foot inside your door. Friends, who used to refer to you as someone who was cool “in kindergarten,” will be joining just to know your address and phone number.

Yes, Jimmy Carter’s Crappy Carpentry and Contracting can set you up with the most elegantly cheap housing in less time than it takes Rod Blagojevich to sell a president-elect’s U.S. Senate seat and get impeached for it.

First, we select choice real estate that no sub-human would set foot on, such as former refuse dumps. Then we put out the call to Hollywood glitterati like Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, Colin Firth, Christian Bale, and Helena Bonham Carter, each needing to donate millions in charitable work and money to avoid paying any federal income tax whatsoever! Then! Oh…we just about cream all over our peanut fields in Plains, Ga., every time we even think about this!...THEN…we find the crummiest, crappiest, broke-dick, ass-backwards, warped, rusted, scratched, cracked, AND (whenever possible) dented supplies (the older and more abused the better!) -- and we raise a town like no Amish gang bangers ever put up a barn!

And we’re environmentally conscious! We use grade-A egg cartons for insulation, cardboard box walls (so you former homeless get that homey, tent-city feeling), and double-sheeted felt (YES, THE EXTRAVAGANCE OF FELT!) roofing for a stylish look (if you like train tables and puddles in your den). Our interior paint comes from paper mill waste. We recycle bird droppings with a splash of rainwater for exterior paint. To avoid any concern over lead poisoning (or reason, for that matter), we use the cheapest plastic tubing money can buy (at Wal-Mart) for all piping throughout your home, so you can watch what others flush!

If you’re lucky, you can pull up your floorboards and find trash 5-feet deep beneath your kitchen (insulation that goes BEYOND code!), or cracking walls and rotting door frames that invite in rats and ants (certainly an added bonus for you PETA members). You might even hit the jackpot and find your house collapsing within 10 years after you move in, with all of your possessions sinking into a pit of waste so deep you wouldn’t send a Fear Factor contestant after it!

And the best part?

We guarantee after 10 years to come back and replace your entire home, free of charge, provided we can recycle what’s left (possibly for your new home). Could you expect anything less from unskilled labor and a former president whose legacy includes plus-20% interest rates, gas shortages, the rise of Iranian Fasco-Islam, and subsequent 20 (of 28) years of Republican rule in America?

So check us out now at Or call 1-800-JIM-RUSE. And remember, ex-presidents and manicured labor make for a stronger lawsuit.

Monday, January 5, 2009


Well, Minnesota...I hope you like your new senator...think he can fit in those pants when he prances across the Senate floor?


GAME OVER: Earth For Sale!

The Anglo Saxon Chronicle characterizes this image as "the boundaries of wit," but, in my friggin' not-so-humble opinion, the dude smashes the boundaries here:


Sunday, January 4, 2009

Art of Obama

You knew it had to be coming: The worldwide fascination with Barack Obama now brings us The Art of Obama.

This funky blog depicts art of the messiah riding...unicorns and whales...stenciled on cakes, even cubist Obama. The goofiest thing about it ain't the blog, it's the people who go to such creative lengths to either genuflect before The One or mock him (you can always put me in the latter crowd).


Plaxico Burress on Gun Safety

Here's a classic way to handle guns, brought to you by Plax.

Then, of course, there's this lovely image from Randy Bish and the Tribune-Review:


Thursday, January 1, 2009

Polar Bear Union Disbands Over Climate Con

[The following is the only known transcript of an interview last week by Independent Star reporter Bias Jones with International Brotherhood of Polar Bears President Grumbles the Bear, occurring on an ice floe somewhere north of an Inuit village on Canada’s Ellesmere Island.]

Bias Jones: We’re here somewhere in the Arctic Circle to interview Grumbles the Bear, president of the International Brotherhood of Polar Bears. Sir…as I understand it, you and your union brothers have decided to close up shop. Is that right?

Grumbles the Bear: Yeah. That’s right.

BJ: Any particular reason?

GTB: Too many friggin’ reporters asking stupid questions.

BJ: Really, though, what would be the reason? As far as I know, you were one of the fastest growing unions due to the impending doom of global warming. You had the support of groups like Polar Bears International, the Kyoto nations, and even Coca-Cola wanted to find a way to make permanent ice floes for you to inhabit once the polar cap melts. It seems as though you were well on the rise to promising heights. Why stop now?

GTB: Rubbish. We quit, because we’ve been conned. Global warming is about as real as my love for reporters. You do know the story of the year is that global warming is not only a myth but also a blatant con, right?

BJ: Well. That’s a theory. Climate change models show…

GTB: Climate change models my ass. You know as well as I do the “climate” has been getting cooler these past 2 years, defying all of the best “scientific” computer models and their enablers. I guess Intel didn’t make the processors fast enough to figure out how to keep up with the reality that climate warming and cooling trends ebb and flow. And I’m a friggin’ polar bear. Why don’t “smarter" creatures, like reporters, know that?

BJ: Really, though, sir…I’ll play along. Let’s say that climate change isn’t real. Don’t you want to keep up momentum? If you disband now, you’re probably giving up millions in international funds and certainly favored species status by the U.N. Why, you might even be awarded your own nation!

GTB: Jeez…Do you media types go to school, or do they crap you out and give you a microphone the day you’re born? Many legitimate scientists have come out and said global warming is a crock. Why would we want to subject ourselves to sucking on the nipple of world governments to help feed a bullshit story when we can fend for ourselves? That’s the whole friggin’ problem with any union, far as I can tell. They do things ass-backwards. They should be forming their own companies if they’re so damned smart and talented, instead of bullying the companies they work for until those companies damned near collapse and run crying to Congress for public funding. And then there’s you people, the media, and your love for drama without truth or consequence. We actually blame you more than anyone else….

BJ: Well…that’s your opinion, sir. You do have the right to think and say what you like.

GTB: Damned right, Poindexter. Besides, my bet is that what you people really want is for the ice to melt so you can move us all into zoos, or have us eating from Inuit and Alaskan garbage cans while you make little movies of us for Discovery Channel documentaries and Coke commercials. That’s why we formed a union in the first place. To protect our rights. And, now that’s all unnecessary. We still have the ice, so we still have food, seals…and other…more tasty morsels. Those are all the rights we need.

BJ: Well…I do understand, sir…Hey…wait a minute…why are all you polar bears coming toward me? Hey. Stop that. Owww! You just bit off my arm! Arghhhhhhh!

[From this point, the recording is unintelligible, save for the sound of what appears to be cracking bones and extremely satisfied burping. Bias Jones is presumed missing. There is, however, a photograph circulating around the Internet that does resemble Mr. Jones, well, at least his arm.]
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