Nancy Pelosi: "I Hear Dead People"

You read that right. 

The former Speaker of the House of Representatives, who once was third in line for the presidency, talks to ghosts. She met her new imaginary friends during her first meeting with President George W. Bush as part of the Democratic leadership.

Pelosi: “He’s (Bush) saying something to the effect of we’re so glad to welcome you here, congratulations and I know you’ll probably have some different things to say about what is going on--which is correct. But, as he was saying this, he was fading and this other thing was happening to me."

“My chair was getting crowded in," said Pelosi. "I swear this happened, never happened before, it never happened since."

"My chair was getting crowded in and I couldn’t figure out what it was, it was like this," she said."And then I realized Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Lucretia Mott, Alice Paul, Sojourner Truth, you name it, they were all in that chair, they were," said Pelosi. "More than I named and I could hear them say: 'At last we have a seat at the table.' And then they were gone."

Have you been abducted by aliens too, Nancy?

The good thing about Pelosi talking to ghosts is she might finally have occasion to talk to The Founders; they're desperate for a chance to teach her anything.

She may be batshit crazy, but look at it this way: At least we now know the identity of Harry Reid's "credible" source.

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Nancy Pelosi: "I Hear Dead People"

You RWE Bastards Are All Just Mentally Deranged

That's right. All you right wing extremists have a mental disorder, Anxiety-induced Obama Underappreciation Syndrome.

Or so says the Supreme Dickhead himself, president Zero, a man handed a potential dynasty on a silver platter only to promptly fuck it up so badly he'll see his majority run over in less than two weeks like a retarded deer frozen by the headlights of a tank.

Yes, there IS a God.

Writes Charles Krauthammer:

President Obama has come up with something new, something less common, something more befitting his stature and intellect. He's now offering a scientific, indeed neurological, explanation for his current political troubles.

The electorate apparently is deranged by its anxieties and fears to the point where it can't think straight. Part of the reason "facts and science and argument does not seem to be winning the day all the time," he explained to a Massachusetts audience, "is because we're hard-wired not to always think clearly when we're scared. And the country is scared."

Opening a whole new branch of cognitive science — liberal psychology — Obama has discovered a new principle: The fearful brain is hard-wired to act befuddled, i.e., vote Republican.

But of course. Here Obama has spent two years bestowing upon the peasantry the "New Foundation" of a more regulated, socially engineered and therefore more humane society, and they repay him with recalcitrance and outright opposition. Here he gave them ObamaCare, the stimulus, financial regulation and a shot at cap-and-trade — and the electorate remains not just unmoved but ungrateful.

Faced with this truly puzzling conundrum, Dr. Obama diagnoses a heretofore undiscovered psychological derangement: anxiety-induced Obama Underappreciation Syndrome, wherein an entire population is so addled by its economic anxieties as to be neurologically incapable of appreciating the "facts and science" undergirding ObamaCare and other blessings their president has bestowed upon them from on high.

Trouble is, Zero's diagnosis is like a Dingy Harry quote: But for him we'd be taken over by Predator and Alien by now. They're both cut from the same cloth: the clinically insane.

Krauthammer, naturally, dashes Zero's veneer-thin ill-logic, as would anyone with half a brain (Note: There are no requirements for any brain wave activity whatsoever to be elected to higher office in America).

The story of the last two years is as simple as it is dramatic. It is the epic story of an administration with a highly ideological agenda encountering a rising resistance from the American people over the major question in dispute: the size and reach and power of government and, even more fundamentally, the nature of the American social contract.

In other words, the peasants, we the serfs of Dear Lord Obama the Incompetent, have had quite enough, thank you very much.

Somehow this isn't what Zero meant when he said "we are the ones we've been waiting for" on the night of his election ... unless he meant that he and his merry band of thieves are the ones we've been waiting to send back home with extreme prejudice, for good, beginning Nov. 2, 2010.

Speaking of which, I've a little limerick for you...

There once was a man named Barack

Who conned sheep into believing he was Spock

But then his policies tanked

And the sheep realized he stank

So all his buddies in Congress got kicked off the block

I know. It isn't dirty.

But aren't you proud of me for not cursing in the same sentence in which I mention The Liar in Chief? Oh. Shit. I just re-read the first graph of this post.

Fuck it.

The Asshole in Chief deserves my foulflinging fingers.

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You RWE Bastards Are All Just Mentally Deranged

FYADHD Named Top 40 Conservative Blog

Well this was a big fooken surprise.

Apparently while I was busy being absent most of the time over the past two months, you readers ... you crazy beautiful racist teabagging mongrels you, everyone ... secretly (WITHOUT MY DAMNED PERMISSION!) nominated FYADHD for the 2010 Top Conservative Blog Award sponsored by BestBloggers and Online Phd Programs (I'll take a Masters in Snarkology, thank you very much).

Break out the KKK hats!

Get yer racist Tea Party signs!

Send Harry Reid a brain and Barack Obama a plane ticket home and Nancy Pelosi an inflatable raft with a pin hole and tell her she's been awarded a vacation on the Pacific.

I'm humbled, you bastards, especially since I've recently posted with the regularity of a job that's been saved or created.

And apparently I need to get busy with yer daily fill of snark. I'll do my best, but you know that already, otherwise you wouldn't have been so fooken incredible to get FYADHD on this list.

I'll forever be grateful.

JUST. DON'T. DO. IT. AGAIN!

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FYADHD Named Top 40 Conservative Blog

That's Right, China, America Does Have a Discrimination Problem

While the Apology Tour continues to circumnavigate the world, spreading a volcanic cloud of toxic Obama Regime propaganda, the latest incident an admission to the shining example of human dignity China of our “discrimination” problem here at home, I'd like to take a moment to bring up, “early and often,” the real “troubling trend in our society.”

It is true that America has a discrimination problem, an incredibly dangerous and insidious and, frankly, “transparent” discrimination problem. America (or rather, the Regime running America) has a problem of discrimination against anyone who disagrees with the Regime, its agenda, or its blatant attempt to tear America down and reconstruct it into something resembling a pseudo contemporary Grecian society of government-dependency addled sycophants.

America has a discrimination problem when a candidate for the U.S. Senate flat out says the American people aren't, “let me be clear,” smart enough to understand legislation that has removed their ability to make their own health care decisions, especially since we read every page of all 7 competing bills long before she opened her fork-tongued mouth.

America has a discrimination problem when freshman (and soon to be unemployed) Congresscriminal Alan Grayson stands in the middle of a family restaurant and screams at his constituents simply because they don't agree with him.

America has a discrimination problem when Senate majority leader Harry Reid (Dickhead, Nevada – but not for long!) refers to peaceful American citizens exercising their Constitutional right to free speech as “'evil-mongers' using 'lies, innuendo and rumor,' to drown out rational debate.”

America has a discrimination problem when the Wicked Witch of Congress calls these same people Nazis and later admits that she would have no pangs of regret about arresting any one of them who refuses to buy health insurance.

America has a discrimination problem when the men and women who shed blood and relinquish their personal freedom in the service and defense of this country are considered potential “right-wing extremists” and enemies of the Regime.

America has a discrimination problem when an American citizen supports the head of an Islamic terrorism organization that would prefer that all Jews gather in Israel so he and others don't have to hunt them down to complete a second Holocaust.

America has a discrimination problem when Attorney General Eric Holder and Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano say on camera they haven't read a bill that enforces their own immigration laws, while endlessly bullying a governor who has decided that if they won't do their jobs she will, while a public school teacher openly advocates revolution against the United States of America and the leftwing media and federal government (I know: there's a difference?) stand by, quiet as church mice.

America has a discrimination problem when the pResident of the United States dismisses a powerful movement of fed up people, who are black and white and young and old and liberal and independent and libertarian and conservative and rich and poor and all persuasions in between, as “folks waving tea bags around," or, even more representative of the Liar in Chief's “civility,” lovingly demonizes us as “that wing" of the Republican Party, the “tea-baggers.”

America has a discrimination problem when the threat of a boot on the throat is the perfect phrase to describe the people who dangle our nation's future for ransom over a cliff overlooking an abyss.

And somewhere in China, the party leaders bathe in our debt and smile.

Cross-posted at Red State.

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That's Right, China, America Does Have a Discrimination Problem

Lawmakers Repeal Obamacare Over Coverage Gaffe

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a stunning admission of their own incompetence, first the House of Representatives then the Senate voted unanimously today to repeal Obamacare, following revelations the 2,700-page healthcare bill pResident Barack Obama signed into law in March actually revokes the lawmakers’ current personal health insurance.

The repeal bill was surprisingly brief in comparison to the reams and reams of paper 7 competing Congressional and Senate draft health deform bills occupied last year, simply stating: “We can’t possibly be thrown into the health care pool with the peasants. Obamacare is hereby repealed.”

The bill was introduced in the House by The Wicked Witch of Congress, who was so enraged she could barely speak, except to say, “Take our brains; we’re not using them.”

House minority leader John Boehner -- who last time he took the floor of Congress gave a rabble-rousing speech that ended with him screaming “Hell no, you can’t!” -- today stood before his colleagues and laughed for 20 minutes.

“Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!” he said, before collapsing and being removed to his offices so he could recover enough to cast a vote in favor.

After passing the House, the bill was quickly sent to the Senate, where Harry Reid stood dumbfounded before his fellow senators.

“I-I-I can’t explain how this happened; did the Republicans somehow slip this language into the bill during the middle of the night?” Reid said. Hours after the bill also passed the Senate, a new Gallup poll showed him winning only 2 percent of the vote in his bid for reelection in Nevada.

It was a shocking first day back from Easter recess for federal lawmakers. Even more shocking: their bill was historic, the first time that 100 percent of the House and Senate voted unanimously on anything.

“Now that’s what I call bipartisan healthcare reform,” Vice President Joe Biden said, before realizing the vote completely ruined the pResident’s signature achievement to date (other than making the Guinness Book of World Records for completing the most self-demeaning bows to foreign dignitaries).

“Shit, this is an even bigger fuckin’ deal than before,” Biden said, nicely recovering. “Even I wouldn’t have done something that stupid.”

Chief White House Propagandist Robert “Ahh” Gibbs refused to comment on whether or not the pResident will sign the bill, saying only that the pResident had already promised to voluntarily participate in the health insurance exchange, even though he wasn’t required.

But sources say the pResident was so angry the fiasco would now sully his desire to be viewed as a really good one-term pResident, Obama will likely sign the bill then regroup and try to Rahm through another version of healthcare deform before Memorial Day.

After the Senate vote, The Wicked Witch of Congress confronted Reid outside his office and was arrested for threatening to kill him.

“How could you let this happen, you nitwit!?" she screamed. "You told us you would fix any problems in reconciliation. You just screwed the pooch. I hope you die; I’d kill you myself if I weren’t a 70-year-old bag of unpliable Botox! I'll get you, my dingy!”

She was later released on her own recognizance and was seen writing threats against America with her broom into the sky above the Capitol Building.

Reid, meanwhile, sat in a corner, sobbing, his arms wrapped around his knees as he rocked himself back and forth, saying, “there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home,” a place to which he surely will return after November, where he can thank all of his many loyal supporters:

Image via iOwnTheWorld.com

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Lawmakers Repeal Obamacare Over Coverage Gaffe

Harry Reid Arrested for Trying to Bomb Airplane

Excuse me while I move some files from the Word Press site over here so I can delete that thing forever. If you didn't see this before, now's your chance!

Previously published 12/27/2009

Via Moonbattery

DETROIT — Senate majority leader Harry Reid (Dickhead, Nevada) was arrested for trying to blow up a Detroit-bound plane on Christmas Day.

Most of the 278 passengers on the plane were rightwing teabagging mobsters from flyover country heading to Detroit to plot the overthrow of Congressional Democrats — by voting in elections in November 2010. The incident is rumored to be the first in a chain of bombings throughout the country in which Democrats, terrified of losing numerous Congressional seats next year, plan to blow up their opposition to remain in control of the country.

Sources say Reid was also offended that passengers were planning to celebrate the Christian holiday, Christmas, instead of the federal holiday adopted last week in honor of pResident Barack Obama,Ramahannakwanzmas. In reality, however, the mandated celebration doesn’t kick in until 2014. It’s only the tax on our every last thought, in order to fund Congressional kickbacks, that starts immediately on January 1.

Reid, ironically, was involved in another strange incident on Christmas Eve, when he had himself waterboarded 183 times for accidentally voting “no” on the historic legislation.

Nearby passengers said they heard a popping sound coming from Reid’s seat before noticing a puff of smoke.

“It sounded like a firecracker going off in his ass,” said Paul Revere, a passenger from 1776.

One passenger jumped on Reid and knocked him down as he started to run down the aisle toward the cockpit, screaming “Obamau Akbar!” As he fell, Reid’s head cracked open on an armrest.

A pea fell out.

Witnesses said the fire appeared to have started in the vicinity of Reid’s underwear. After the plane landed safely, Reid was hauled away by law enforcement officials, pantless, his legs burned, his crotch … strangely … absent of male genitalia.

Former basketball star and underwear expert Michael Jordan said Reid should have worn Haynes, as the popular brand doesn’t cause any friction by riding up your legs. One witness said it appeared Reid WAS wearing Haynes … but panties from the company’s women’s collection … which would explain the friction and near explosion.

In other news, The Wicked Witch of Congress was arrested this morning during a Sunday mass at St. Dominic’s Catholic Church in San Francisco for trying to pass herself off as a blow-up doll stuffed in a closet near the Narthex. Sources said she had explosives packed inside her chest, which immediately gave her away because everyone knows The Wicked Witch doesn’t look like this:

Via Woody’s Place

Despite persistent rumors of the incidents being part of a Democratic conspiracy to maintain control of Congress, the White House said they were not related and that Americans have nothing to fear and should just go back to watching their new Blu-Ray DVDs on their new big screen TVs and hum mmm mmm mmm.

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Harry Reid Arrested for Trying to Bomb Airplane

Harry Reid: Only 36,000 Lost Their Jobs Today

What a friggin' douchebag ...

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Harry Reid: Only 36,000 Lost Their Jobs Today

Snarky Tips For How Obama Could Win Re-Election in 2012

It’s looking like 2012 will be an uphill battle for pResident Barack Obama. There’s even supposition that his own secretary of state may beat his ass for the nomination; hey, may the best man win.

I’m just here to help.

And Zero needs it.

After all, Scott Brown likely gets sworn in today, essentially derailing the pResident’s entire agenda … if 41 Republicans in the Senate can stick together. And I know millions of fed-up Americans who are willing to ruin any Republican’s political future if any one of them gets stupid and goes maverick.

The nature of politics in Washington that Obama swore he would change … changes … because of him … today. Just to give him a hand, because he looks like a good father and has been, now and then, known to throw a beer fest (one of my favorite daily events), I thought I’d give him some advice. Here are my ironclad recommendations that will guarantee that you, Mr. pResident, will win re-election in 2012:

Fire Rahm Emanuel as chief of staff and replace him with Sarah Palin’s Facebook page, since it has far more influence on the country.

Give the 56 percent of Americans who pay all of the income tax in this country tax amnesty through the end of 2012, while taxing all members of Congress and Obama cabinet members (including czars) 450 percent of their net worth over the same time period.

Issue an Executive Order to make the Wicked Witch of Congress and Harry Reid go skydiving without parachutes.

Donate your brain to science, so that we can once and for all find out just why liberals are born without brain cells. You’re not using it anyway.

Require Henry Waxman to wear a plastic bag over his head, duct tape over his mouth and nostrils, and have one strychnine martini via IV each day for 6 months … just to be sure.

Enroll Mobama as a contestant in Extreme Makeovers, where she’ll undergo liposuction around her ample midsection, arm reduction surgery, a Halle Berry face transplant, and a fashion sense brain implant. She’ll also need to donate all of her boob belts to the cattle industry in order to improve milking science.

Stop the order to close Gitmo and round up George Soros and Andrew Stern and Chris Matthews and Keith Olberman and throw them in a cell with KSM. Have KSM teach them what Muslim men like to do with goats.

Reinstitute the space program and strap Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein and Alan Grayson into a rocket with a monkey and shoot them into space on a secret mission. Soon after, have the monkey jettison Boxer and Feinstein and Grayson as junk and report back to Houston that there is no sign of intelligent life in space.

Send Joe Biden to Vegas and have him bet 10 Scooby Snacks he can’t slop whiteout over every line of information on his birth certificate, then challenge him to double down and fill in the birth certificate as if it were your own. … Then steal the document and introduce it before a Senate hearing as proof, once and for all, of your citizenship and claim to have caught Biden doctoring your birth certificate. To top it off, deport Biden and Al Gore (as Biden’s handler) to the North Pole, on an ice floe floating toward a hungry mother polar bear and her two cubs.

Fire David Plouffe as your chief bitch in charge of fixing everything you screwed up and replace him with Mickey Rourke and shoot him up with steroids and have him drop a Ram Jam on every Republican who gets in your way.

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Snarky Tips For How Obama Could Win Re-Election in 2012

BREAKING! Secret Death Panel Orders Democrats to Take the Blue Pill

WASHINGTON -- Rather than continuing to fund expensive health care for foundering politicians, particularly when the president brags he’s “got a doctor who follows me everywhere,” a secret panel of bureaucrats has ordered Democrats to take the blue pill.

The decision comes as President Barack Obama’s agenda continues to crumble, evidenced by a cap and tax bill going nowhere in the Senate and a contentious health care plan that no longer offers a public option and a plummeting approval rating hovering just barely above 40 percent only 8 months after his inauguration.

This means that Democrats will continue to live in bliss, ignorant of their fractious factions having no idea whatsoever how to be a real party and coalesce under a potential crushing majority and of their predictable ability to self destruct and of their lack of understanding of why millions of Americans are attending Tea Parties, Recess Rallies, and Town Hall meetings in anger, to protest federal insanity not seen since the 1960s.

It will also be as if Obama were never elected: he’ll never know that young people and senior citizens and members of his own base (to quote the enemy, even) think he’s a useless tool who can’t get anything done despite a mesmerizing message during the campaign that now translates into the reality of being “hopeless change."

Members of the “death” panel attributed their decision to the ground-breaking work of Obama’s chief health advisor, Ezekiel Emmanuel, brother of the president’s union thug enforcer, Rahm Emmanuel, according to a report obtained by Feed Your ADHD. The report says: “politicians without any concept of how to handle their duties, and the bureaucrats they appoint, should be sacrificed for the common good, immediately.”

Rather than take the blue pill, Dr. Emmanuel decided, instead, to take his own life, via autoerotic asphyxiation. Others were not so lucky…or, maybe they were.

“Hey…I take the little blue pill all the time, and I’m quite comfortable with the erection lasting longer than 4 hours,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “I just put it to good use out there at the Lincoln Memorial. I’ve found a girl who works out of the back of a PT Cruiser; she knows how to handle such things, and she’s helped me become quite fond of humping Lincoln’s stone leg.”

Reports indicate that Obama went off to Camp David today as a ruse to continue his summer vacation, but in actuality to take his blue pill in the relative torture of a place where Ronald Reagan spent much of his time as president, Obama hopelessly thinking he’d learn something about accomplishing anything at all from America’s last great president. Instead, sources say, Obama found the Ghost of the Gipper was only interested in telling Obama to “take the pill; take the pill. Do us all a favor, and take the pill.”

At the same time, Senate majority leader Harry Reid is said to have stood on the Hoover Dam wondering if he should jump and take his own life or pop his pill and continue his blissful ignorance; unfortunately he finally decided that someone might say his death was “going to help us,” and he took the blue pill.

Interestingly, it is possible that Henry Waxman may have given his blue pill to his illegitimate child, Bat Boy. Meanwhile, Nancy Pelosi, the Wicked Witch of Congress, may or may not have taken her pill, but she obviously took something because she was seen this morning flying up and down The Mall on her broom, shouting, “I’ll get you, my pretties. I’ll get you!”

DEVELOPING….

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BREAKING! Secret Death Panel Orders Democrats to Take the Blue Pill

The New Obama Nation

Michael Jackson only wishes his Thriller video could look so real. But then again, Obugger is the king of the zombie moonbats (according to my kids), so this incredible video is only appropriate:



From Hopespringseternal, aka Dazed and Confused.

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The New Obama Nation

Democrats Want Bush Back

Six months after George W. Bush left office, Democrats are publicly asking if they’d be better off with him as president -- and how they might be able to get him back.

Worried about their own infighting over health care reform and cap and trade along with public opinion turning against President Barack Obama (and them) every time he opens his serpentine mouth, House Democrats increasingly fear huge election losses in 2010 and are now discussing whether having Bush around to blame for their problems would improve their longterm goals, number one of which is making sure they’re never ever forced to get real jobs.

Senate Democrats, meanwhile, fear being ambushed by angry mobs of Tea Partiers carrying pitch forks and copies of the Constitution when the Senate goes on recess at the end of this week.

“I hear they’re going to make us actually read the Constitution,” said Senate majority leader Harry Reid (Dipshit, Nevada). “I’m telling my fellow Senate Democrats to hold by-invitation-only townhall meetings, if they even hold them at all. We learned from Congressional townhall meetings. We’re not going to put ourselves in a situation where we actually have to listen to our constituents. They’re really, really, REALLY mean to us, and ask us really, really hard questions, such as, “Do you know what year it is?” I mean, THEY EXPECT US TO HEAR THE TRUTH, for crying out loud!”

Nancy Pelosi, the Wicked Witch of Congress, said Democrats have tried everything else and failed.

“I blamed the insurance industry last week for all of our problems, and Harry Reid blamed the media, but nobody’s listening,” she said. “We figure if Bush is back, no one will be looking at our stupidity anymore. Frankly, having had the smartest dumb president ever just hasn’t worked out these past 6 months. It’s made everything worse. Now. If you’ll excuse me, Congress is in recess, so I’m going to use my great health care for a Botox appointment and then an abortion. Afterwards, the Air Force is flying me to Wyoming so I can recover some of my vitality by sucking on toads we saved using stimulus money.”

Procedurally, it would likely be impossible to remove a president from one party and install one from another party -- and even highly illegal, particularly without input from the American people.

But rules never stopped Democrats before.

“Who caresthh about the American people?” Congressman Barney Frank (Dickhead, Massatuthets), wearing a pointy biker helmet and assless chaps, said outside a gay bar in Boston. “We can do whatever we want. Heck, Henry Waxthman wath just telling me the othwa day that we could easiwy pwomote Obama to cewimonial Supweme Weader, like they have in Iwan, and invite Bush back using the Cwazy Cwawze in the Const…Consti…whatever that thing is those white guys who found Amewica wote back in the 1960s.

“I weawwy wouldn’t know. I nevwa wed the thing.”

The Democrats are convinced that Americans still hold Bush responsible for the nation's economic woes -- even though Obama’s spending of gobs of fictitious money in just 6 months makes the Bush presidency look like the cheapest bunch of thrifties ever to lead the nation. Democrats believe that having Bush back will help them convince the American people to show more patience with their policies if people are reminded of their dissatisfaction with the 8 years of Bush’s presidency.

“That’s old news; it’ll never work,” said Newt Gingrich, former Republican speaker of the House. “The Democrats are about to be tarred and feathered back in their home districts over the August recess. In fact, it’s already begun. I hear people are even planning to shave Barbara Boxer’s back. They could bring back Richard Nixon right now and still not avoid being boiled alive by the American public.”

Obama, meanwhile, was silent on the matter. Sources say he’s still recovering from his hangover after last week’s Beer Summit, and that the First Lady has been beating him with a cane for days over making her eat vegetables contaminated by the Clintons' sewage.

Vice President Joe Biden apparently is all for the idea, according to a statement he released this morning.

"I really like a good soap opera, and we’ve certainly got one here in Washington," his statement read. “But we really need that Bush guy back because we’ve run out of people to blame, and blaming ourselves just won’t cut it. You know how it is when you have no idea what you’re doing and turn a bad situation into a catastrophe: You blame a guy who’s been fishing for the past 6 months.”

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Democrats Want Bush Back

New School House Rock: I’m Just a Stimulus Bill

Boy: Woof! You sure gotta slip a lot of people some unmarked cash to get into this Capitol Building here in Washington, at least that’s what they say about The Chicago Way. But I wonder who that sad crumpled scrap of paper is?

I'm just a Stimulus bill.
Yes, I'm only a big fat pork barrel bill.
And I'm sitting here on The Messiah’s Capitol Hill.
Well, it's a long, long journey
To the capital-less shanty.
It's a long, long wait
While I'm in Harry Reid’s committee,
But I know I'll be a criminal law someday
At least I hope (and pay off a few moderates) so I will,
But today I’m still just a Stimulus bill.

Boy: Gee, Stimulus, you certainly have a lot of crap heaped on you for something that’s supposed to pick the country up off the ground.

Bill: Well I got this far, didn’t I, punk? When I started, I wasn't even so-called stimulus (and you can’t really say I am now), I was just a bunch of disparate socialist ideas in Democrats’ minds that they couldn’t ram through Congress until W. got out. Some folks back home decided they wanted hope and change, so they called their local Congressman (Nancy Pelosi…yes…I said Congressman) and said, "We’re paying The Messiah’s way to the promised land, so there oughta be some meat thrown our way." Then she sat down and tossed every piece of crap you can think of on me and introduced me to Congress. And I became a bill, and got rammed through the House, and I'll remain a bill in the Senate until they get enough moderates to help make me law.

I'm just a Stimulus bill.
Yes, I'm only a big fat pork barrel bill.
And I got as far as The Messiah’s Capitol Hill.
Well, now I'm stuck in Harry Reid’s committee
And I'll sit here and wait
While a few crackpot Congressmen pay off and sedate
Anyone with principle enough to not want me to be law.
How I hope (and help bamboozle a few moderates) so I will,
But today I am still just a Stimulus bill.

Boy: Listen to those senator dudes arguing! Is all that truth about pork, largess, and mortgaging my future about you?

Bill: Yeah, I'm one of the lucky ones. Most bills never even get to have a Democratic House, Senate, and Executive. I hope they convince enough losers, otherwise I may die.

Boy: Die?

Bill: Yeah, die in committee. Oooh, but it looks like I'm gonna live! I’ve already been through the evil House of Representatives, and now I get to be voted on by the pent-evil Senate Finance Committee (after they whack this crap Obama can’t sell and that crap Pelosi can’t sell and this crap over here that Reid can’t sell).

Boy: If they vote yes, what happens?

Bill: Then I go to the Senate floor and, with 60 suckers’ votes, I’m law, baby.

Boy: Oh yes!

Bill: Oh Yes We Can!

I'm just a Stimulus bill.
Yes, I'm still a big fat pork barrel bill.
And I if they vote for me on The Messiah’s Capitol Hill.
Well, then I'm off to the Obama White House
Where I'll go straight to the head of the line
Because “stimulus” equals “socialism” to Democrat louses
For the president to sign
And if he signs me, then I'll be a law.
How, I know that chump will,
Since he has many supporters to whom he owes bills.

Boy: You mean even if the insane majority side of Congress says you should be a law, and the reasonable minority says no, the president can still say, Yes We Can!?

Bill: Yes, that's called putting the nation in the ghetto. If the President gives me some love, you and your kids get to pay for the construction of bridges, STD education, and National sod…big, beautiful sod laid down by illegal immigrants. Now that’s what I call a jobs bill!

Boy: That sounds a little fishy, Stimulus. I mean…it doesn’t sound like most of us will really benefit from you, and it sure doesn’t sound like you’ll pull us out of recession. And by the time I have to pay for you, it's very unlikely I’ll have a cent to my name. It's not easy to sit back and let fools make our laws, is it?

Bill: No! But…it really is easy. Here…have a big-screen TV!

How I hope (and schmooze a few moderates) so I will,
But today I am still just a Stimulus bill.

Congressman: The One signed you, Stimulus! Now you're bigger than the rest of us! Welcome to the New Lame Society.

Bill: Oh yes!!! Oh Yes We Can’t!!!

With apologies to Davie Frishberg, Jack Sheldon, and Phil Kimmelman.

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New School House Rock: I’m Just a Stimulus Bill