Thursday, July 26, 2012

Let's Ban Doctors, Cars, and Knives before We Ban AK-47s

Suddenly, Barack Obama wants to ban AK-47 “assault” weapons because they belong only on “the battlefield of war,” even though the LEGAL AK-47s in the U.S. are dressed-up 22-caliber semi-automatic rifles NOT used in war. New York's Nanny Mayor Mike Bloomberg wants America’s police to go on strike until the federal government adopts stricter gun laws, although I would expect that if his own security police went on strike he’d become a little nervous. Lanny Davis, former special counsel to Bill Clinton, told Sean Hannity on the radio Tuesday that the federal government should be tracking the purchase of weapons and ammunition to identify “disturbing trends” … you know, like being prepared for the country to fall apart or Barack Obama to join the UN in trying to ban weapons.

Let’s look at some facts about gun deaths in this country, facts the left-wing gun-grabbing fascists among us don’t include in their narrative -- because facts don’t fit what they hope to achieve.

Let’s start with James Holmes, who murdered 12 people and wounded 58 others during a shooting last Friday in Aurora, Colorado. James Holmes did not use an AK-47, Mr. President. He murdered and injured people using an AR-15 with a 100-round drum, a shotgun, and a semi-automatic pistol. The AR-15 Holmes used was legal; it was not an “assault” weapon because it was not fully automatic; it was a semi-automatic rifle. Obama would have Americans believe that any AK-47 or AR-15 stored at home in their gun cabinets is an illegal weapon; they’re not. The Clinton-era ban on “assault’ style weapons in this country sunset in 2004, but it is still illegal to own an AK-47 or AR-15 that has been modified to fully automatic fire. So any time Obama or anyone else on the left rants about “assault weapons” used on the “field of battle” roaming “the streets of this country” all by themselves, remember this: The semi-automatic weapons in this country are glorified .22s. You can fire off rounds from a semi-automatic “assault” style weapon just as quickly as you can a semi-automatic Glock handgun: BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO PULL THE TRIGGER EACH TIME YOU WANT THE WEAPON TO FIRE.

Here’s another fact the disingenuous left doesn’t want you to know about. Only about 1 percent, yes ONE PERCENT, of the gun deaths in this country can be attributed to the use of ALL TYPES of rifles and shotguns, let alone semi-automatic rifles, which the lapdog media and the fascist left will always refer to as “assault” weapons because the word gets stuck in your conscience.

You can see for yourself here among FBI statistics from 2006-2010.

While we’re on the subject of the numbers of gun deaths in this country. There were 12,996 homicides in 2010 that occurred when someone used a firearm to do the killing; 831 of those deaths occurred from the bullets fired from rifles and shotguns. Furthermore, murderers use “assault” style weapons so infrequently to kill  people, the FBI doesn’t even track them in a category separate from “rifles." In comparison, 1,704 people were killed in 2010 with knives, and 745 people were killed when someone beat them to death.

I guess that means that the police should go on strike until the federal government bans all kitchen knives, hands, fists, and feet. Can somebody please tell Mayor Nanny Bloomberg that the Supreme Court ruled 7 years ago that the police aren’t even required to protect people?

Let’s get further into the left's hypocrisy. In 1976, Washington, D.C., passed a total ban on guns within the limits of the District of Criminals, presumably to protect Curroptocrats from American gun owners fed-up with their raping of this country; 14 years later, murders in D.C. had skyrocketed. Naturally, after the gun ban was lifted in 2008, murder rates dropped 25 percent.

You won’t hear that in the left’s narrative. And I don’t even need to go into the left ignoring murder rates in Obama’s Chicago backyard, where some of the strictest gun controls in the nation violate the 2nd Amendment. All you need to do is watch the nightly news.

I also won’t go into the number of illegal guns used to commit most murders (estimates indicated about 80 percent); all you need to do is read anything about Fast and Furious and the death of Border Patrol Agent Brian Terry. Yes. The federal government did build that.

So let’s get to the heart of what really kills far more Americans every year than any nutcase wielding any type of gun. Numerous medical organizations estimate that medical mistakes kill nearly 300,000 people every year, though that figure may be closer to 500,000. Meanwhile, 32,310 people died on the highways last year (you know, the roads Obama built so your small business could become successful) in motorcycle and automobile accidents -- almost 20,000 more people than those dying at the hands of a murderer firing a gun.

All of which means, I would be far safer if I never went to the doctor or drove to work. So, Mr. President, I’ll be keeping my AK-47 until you come for it. And Nanny Bloomberg? When you pry my weapon from cold dead hand, make sure you don’t spill the Big Gulp in my other hand.

Also posted at Pat Dollard.

Linked by NoisyRoom, Conservative Hideout, the Classical Liberal and An Old Broad's Musings.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Your Nation's Past: Will You Reclaim It?

There once was a land far away, in which principled men established a civilization like no other seen before it, and no other seen since.

It was a civilization in which the rule of law allowed for human beings, endowed by their creator, to set forth on their own journeys, to pursue their own interests, to hone their own talents and succeed by the comforting sweat of their own brows and the rewarding agony of their own thoughts. It was a civilization in which human beings were responsible for their actions, where failure was their teacher, not their signal to throw up their arms and accept enslaving handouts. It was a civilization in which despots and elected criminals had to have known the fear of the despots and appointed criminals who, before them, were sent scurrying back into the cracks from whence they oozed.

It is a civilization that long ago became shrouded by misguided "progressiveness" in the name of an ever throttling elitist class that is very near accomplishing the reconstruction of that land into something resembling a pseudo contemporary Grecian society of government-dependency addled sycophants.

How do we get back there? Hmmm. We can follow a path that's already been walked for us, starting with some reading those principled men left behind....

The text below is reposted from ConservativePunks. (If you don't know what the text is, you have some serious self-educating to do.) Please don't forget to scroll to the bottom for an inspiring video and a link where you can help us claw our way back.

In case you need to read it again:

by hawkman13

It breaks my heart, and fucking pisses me off, to see how far we’ve strayed… When are we-the-fucking-people going to get it….

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security.

–Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his assent to laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his governors to pass laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of representation in the legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved representative houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the legislative powers, incapable of annihilation, have returned to the people at large for their exercise; the state remaining in the meantime exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavored to prevent the population of these states; for that purpose obstructing the laws for naturalization of foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migration hither, and raising the conditions of new appropriations of lands.

He has obstructed the administration of justice, by refusing his assent to laws for establishing judiciary powers.

He has made judges dependent on his will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, standing armies without the consent of our legislature.

He has affected to render the military independent of and superior to civil power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his assent to their acts of pretended legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by mock trial, from punishment for any murders which they should commit on the inhabitants of these states:

For cutting off our trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing taxes on us without our consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury:

For transporting us beyond seas to be tried for pretended offenses:

For abolishing the free system of English laws in a neighboring province, establishing therein an arbitrary government, and enlarging its boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule in these colonies:

For taking away our charters, abolishing our most valuable laws, and altering fundamentally the forms of our governments:

For suspending our own legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated government here, by declaring us out of his protection and waging war against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burned our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow citizens taken captive on the high seas to bear arms against their country, to become the executioners of their friends and brethren, or to fall themselves by their hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian savages, whose known rule of warfare, is undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms: our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have we been wanting in attention to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace friends.

We, therefore, the representatives of the United States of America, in General Congress, assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good people of these colonies, solemnly publish and declare, that these united colonies are, and of right ought to be free and independent states; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the state of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as free and independent states, they have full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and to do all other acts and things which independent states may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.

New Hampshire: Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton
Massachusetts: John Hancock, Samual Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry
Rhode Island: Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery
Connecticut: Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott
New York: William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris
New Jersey: Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark
Pennsylvania: Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross
Delaware: Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean
Maryland: Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton
Virginia: George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton
North Carolina: William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn
South Carolina: Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton
Georgia: Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton
Source: The Pennsylvania Packet, July 8, 1776


Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Somebody Else Made that Nobel Peace Prize Happen

Oh, he's gonna get spanked in Hollywood for this one. But Jon Lovitz doesn't care.

Oh, how sweet it is. Obama doesn't get it, but Lovitz does, and so do we. Onward to November.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

He Just Doesn't Get It

Image via The Jawa Report
"In the beginning, Govt created the heavens and the businesses. The economy was without form, and Govt said 'Let there be Taxes.'"

How did we ever survive before Barack Obama came along? We were caveman ... then The Almighty swooped in and bestowed upon us hope and change and built our small businesses for us. Unemployment ended as we knew it. Blue and Red states congealed into purple states. We all came together, no longer divided, as the first post-partisan, non-racial president united us. Everyone changed their name to Barack, in honor of our savior. And it was good.

Oh. Wait. That's a nightmare I had recently. Here's what I meant to say:

Because they are.

They just don't get it.


Saturday, July 14, 2012

Guest Post, Momus ... Ragehammer: Barack Obama

The drums are beating. The pitchforks are ready. The torches are lit. It's war. Death is yours ... if you want it. Or you can bring down the ragehammer and fight.

WARNING: If language offends you, read no further. But I venture you gather by now that you must, so ... I give you this guest post by Momus.

Screed of Momus is proud to introduce another regular featured column, Ragehammer™.  Ragehammer™ is the NSFW takedown of a person or group or company that has engaged in extremely bitchassed conduct.  Our first target is none other than President Barack Obama, whose recent accusations towards Mitt Romney are characteristic of leftist tactics in that they obscure the real issue.  It's time to drop the fucking Ragehammer™, ladies and gentlemen, and restore some goddamned clarity to the debate.  Part of the issue is that Mitt Romney apparently doesn't have the spine or the willpower to fight back effectively, and while Screed of Momus doesn't endorse Mitt Romney for president, we aren't about to let a leftist charlatan like Barack Obama take him apart without firing back. 

Let's talk about those 12 years of tax records that Barack Obama wants for a moment, shall we?  I'd advise Mitt Romney to make a counter-offer: when Barack Obama releases his undergraduate and law school transcripts, as well as all of his published work as a graduate student and constitutional law lecturer, and the records held by the Illinois State Bar pertaining to the surrender of his law license, he can have the fucking tax records he wants.  Until then, he can sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up and stop acting like a snide little bitch.  Oh, and he can put forth his Selective Service registration as well. 

And let's talk about Mitt Romney's history at Bain Capital, because Barack Obama likes to talk about the layoffs and the company closings.  Deutsche Bank did an analysis of 68 deals that Bain engaged in during Romney's tenure, finding that Bain lost money or broke even on 33 of the deals.  That's 35 more successful deals than Barack Obama ever had. Bain almost doubled its investors' money annually.  In 15 years under Romney's leaderships, Bain Capital returned $3 billion on $260 million in investments on just its top 10 deals.  Barack Obama promised to cut the national debt in half by the end of his first term, and we all see how that fucking turned out, don't we? 

Here you have a president with the fucking gall to criticize Mitt Romney for layoffs at companies he invested in when the country President Obama oversees puts more people on disability each month than it does into actual fucking jobs.  Really, could you be any more of a cunt?  Could you? 

Barack Obama and his allies in the media like to make a to-do about Mitt Romney's role in giving an effeminate classmate a haircut at the preparatory school he attended.  Well, if Mitt Romney's worse transgression was a haircut that was cruel, he's still got a future president who belonged to the Choom Gang beat.  Of course, we know that Mitt Romney confesses to having tasted a beer and smoked a cigarette, but Barack Obama used fucking coke and weed, and has the goddamned gall to advocate for strict federal enforcement of drug laws today that would have have gotten his ass thrown in jail for years had he been caught. 

There's absolutely no goddamned reason for Barack Obama to be criticizing Mitt Romney on any of these goddamned fronts, beyond the fact that Barack Obama is a charlatan, a liar, and a jackass who doesn't give a flying fuck about anything besides winning another term in office even though his first term was an unqualified disaster for America.  From the stimulus that was supposed to keep unemployment under 8% to the deficit that was supposed to be cut in half, to Department of Energy loans and guarantees for failed energy companies, this jerk-off fucked up virtually everything that he touched.  

Even with his goddamned insurance reform law, the price of insurance premiums for families is projected to reach half of the median income by 2021.  That's just the fucking premiums, and it doesn't count the goddamned copays and deductibles.  Man, that's fucking progress.

I won't fucking get into the guns his employees walked across the Mexican border, which were used to murder hundreds of Mexican civilians and Border Patrol Agent Brian Terry, who was firing back fucking beanbags the night he was killed. Yes, that's right: beanbags.  Our Administration made sure Border Patrol agents were stocked with beanbags rather than bullets while simultaneously arming Mexican drug cartels with goddamned assault rifles. 

Seriously? This motherfucker is talking shit about Mitt Goddamned Romney?  After his record over the past three years?  What fucking balls this cocksucker has.  The only thing more deplorable than his lack of integrity or scruples is the unwillingness of Mitt Romney to grab Barack Obama by the ears and skullfuck him into submission with the cold, hard truth about Barack Obama's record over the past three years and his life before he became president. 

But the coup de fucking gras in all of this is a legal bank account in fucking Switzerland, which has been used to, get this, deposit money overseas. Holy fucking shit.  Imagine using a foreign bank account to deposit money overseas.  Barack Obama and his supporters in Congress have a problem with Mitt Romney using foreign bank accounts, so I'll lay down the fucking gauntlet to every single Democrat in Congress and every single bundler and financial supporter of the Obama 2012 campaign: if you have or have ever had a foreign bank account, or an offshore company, the Obama campaign should return every fucking red cent it has received from you.  You should all disclose your foreign bank accounts, and the fact that you used those accounts to deposit money overseas, you fucking hypocrites.  Because depositing money overseas isn't illegal, but it is...unseemly. 

The fact that someone has a account with a foreign bank is grounds to conclude that they have a bank account with a foreign bank. That is all. It is not evidence or proof that they have engaged in tax evasion, or money laundering, or any other goddamned malfeasance whatsoever.  And it is also none of your fucking business.  That's right: it's none of your fucking business. 

The Obama campaign needs to realize that these kinds of attacks, illegitimate and hypocritical and utterly unwise as they are, are going to be responded to, and not even by people who like Mitt Romney as the GOP nominee.  It's just a simple duty of anyone who fucking hates these kinds of specious attacks by the Left to highlight the dishonesty and hypocrisy of those who make such attacks. 

You don't have to drop the Ragehammer™ with expletives galore, but this is an information war.  Mitt Romney is getting his ass kicked right now over this nonsense, and it's time to defend him even though he's apparently incapable of articulating a defense himself.  Social networks like Twitter, Facebook, and the like are a perfect goddamned opportunity to go on the offensive.  Seek a leftist out and have a war for the world to see. Put them on the defensive about Obama's scurrilous attacks, and evolve your own unique Ragehammer™ to deploy in this battle.  Win this information war online, and let these fuckers have it every chance you get.  Kick the shit out of them on messaging, because enough is enough.  I'll be voting for Gary Johnson in November, but I'm not going to sit by and let the Left make these attacks without answering them. 

Get the fucking Ragehammer™ out, and get ready to take these leftist assholes out. 

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Gun Sales Skyrocket as D-Day for Gun Control Looms; No Coincidence?

Yeah. And I'm Barack Obama's biggest fan.

Take a look at this chart:

See that spike in June? Why would Americans buy 150,000 more guns last month than a year ago? All told, gun sales, which skyrocketed in 2008 in advance of the presidential election then fell back somewhat to normal in 2009, are up 27% overall this year compared with 2011 numbers. 

Why? Maybe Dick Morris has the answer:
Without much fanfare and as little publicity as possible, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will go to New York City to sign the Arms Trade Treaty (ATT), now in the final stages of negotiation at the U.N. The Treaty marks the beginning of an international crusade to impose gun controls on the United States and repeal our Second Amendment rights.
You can watch a video of Morris explaining his warning further here.

Whether or not the UN gun treaty has anything to do with the spike, the fact remains that a perfect storm has formed during the tenure of an administration that's biggest unfolding scandal did indeed arise out of trying to sell guns to Mexican drug cartels under the guise of broadening gun control.

That tempest isn't weakening; gun sales say:
A lot about society as fear and concern prevail for many Americans. It is also an election year and the economic growth has been slowing at the same time as employment data remains weak. In short, this is the perfect climate for driving gun sales.
Weaponsman, from whom the above chart is borrowed, says gun sales typically tick up and down with the season from year to year, usually spiking around Christmas, then dropping in January. That ain't even close to the case right now, by a large measure.
How long can the growth continue? The only answer the science of economics can absolutely rule out is, "indefinitely."  Sooner or later a sales downtick will bring some month below its last-year counterpart. In a way, it's surprising that it hasn't happened yet. But whatever the market for guns in the USA is, we know what it isn't: saturated.
Even if Obama signs the UN treaty (he says he will), it can't be adopted unless two thirds of the Senate vote for it. That's supposedly not likely to happen; and lawmakers are pushing Obama to put his pen down and throw the treaty in his waste basket.

Yeah. Let's trust the same lawmakers who gave us Obamacare.

My advice? Buy early and buy often.

Also posted at Pat Dollard.

Linked by Nugget Net Newsline and Conservative Hideout.


Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello on "Unemployment"

Internet meme....

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good subject. Terrible times. It's about 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE!! Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ... they are out of work!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.


ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of
work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down
the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So, there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the
two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what I just said!

And now, you know why Obama's unemployment figures are improving.

H/T: Suzibasterd

Linked by Conservative Hideout.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Obama Loses Head; Names KSM Terrorism Czar

Originally published 11/20/2009.

WASHINGTON — pResident Barack Obama made a decision in record time today, appointing Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to the position of Terrorism Czar after learning of the idea just this morning from Attorney General Eric Holder following a recent bow-ful trip through Asia.

Mohammed, detained as an enemy combatant since 2003, was scheduled to undergo a federal trial in Manhattan as the self-proclaimed mastermind of the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. Instead, he’ll be in charge of establishing terrorist camps throughout the U.S. to train Daily Kossacks, Democratic Undergroundlings, ACORNuts, public school children, and circus midgets in tactics proven to maim and kill and eradicate tea-bagging racist mobster fly-over-country conservatives.

The program will be called Operation Tea-had.

“The 2010 elections are just around the corner. With what happened recently in New Jersey and Virginia, with Congress approving health care in the dead of the night and the Senate set to vote to proceed with a vote to vote about voting on health care tomorrow, it was imperative that we act quickly,” the pResident said during an impromptu press conference this afternoon, Mohammed standing to Obama’s left, wearing the orange prison jumpsuit he’s grown accustomed to after more than six years in captivity. Sources say the jumpsuit will become the regular uniform for officials of the new Terrorism Department, the backs of the jumpsuits bearing this insignia:

Obama said he immediately liked the plan after Holder brought it up during a two-minute briefing.

“Uh … fastest time I’ve ever made up my mind on something. It was such an easy decision to make, not like that Afghanistan business,” the pResident said. “I know our troops can hang in there if they don’t get reinforcements until after my next election. After all, they’re such good photo-op material. But back home? We need to act fast before the tea-baggers form a groundswell that lifts Republicans to victory in key elections next year.

“If Mohammed had been convicted, we wouldn’t have let him go, anyway. Why not use his talents in a destructive way?”
The pResident, off teleprompter for the whole press conference, went rambling on about things he missed during his trip to Asia, like Michelle Obama’s boob belts, favorable Gallup polls, and Oprah’s announcement to move her collection of tent dresses to Montecito.

Then, strangely, Obama turned to Mohammed … and bowed.

Rather than accept the gesture as a sign of respect, Mohammed apparently thought Obama was showing weakness and reached inside his jumpsuit and withdrew a sword and, shouting “Allahu Akhbar,” hacked off the pResident’s head.

A shocked White House press corps immediately burst into tears. Mohammed ignored them, turning, instead, to stare, hatred burning in his black-hole eyes, at Vice President Joe Biden, who’d been standing to the president’s right before the mayhem ensued.

Biden didn’t bat an eyelash, saying: “I have three words for you, Mr. Mohammed: My head isn’t worth cutting off, anyway.”


Saturday, July 7, 2012

Robert Byrd Named KKK Grand Dragon of Hell

Originally posted June 2010.

Senator Robert C. Byrd (D-WV) died early this morning at Inova Hospital in Fairfax, Va. Upon arriving in Hell, he was immediately appointed KKK Grand Dragon.

Byrd was greeted at the gates of Hell by long-time friend Ted Kennedy, who made an unsuccessful bid for president of Hell last year shortly after his own arrival.

“Having … ah … Senata Byrd at my side again can only improve my … ah … chances of … ah … taking this place ova when elections come around again next yeya,” Kennedy said.

Byrd, for his part, cried when he saw Kennedy again. “Ted, Ted, my dear friend, I love you, and I missed you,” he said.

Satan, Kennedy’s rival for control of Hell, welcomed Byrd to his kingdom of filth.

“It is with great honor that I bestow the title of KKK Grand Dragon on Senator Byrd,” Satan said. “Only a true Democrat – and we’re all Democrats down here in Hell – could have uttered the great statements he has made over the years.”

Satan spent the next 40 hours regaling the gathering crowd of demons, radical Islamic suicide bombers, and former elected Democrats, recounting many of Byrd’s earthly statements. Here are the highlights:
  • “They call me 'The Pork King,' they don't know how much I enjoy it.”
  • “There are white niggers. I've seen a lot of white niggers in my time. I'm going to use that word…”
  • “The Klan is needed today as never before and I am anxious to see its rebirth here in West Virginia.”
  • “It is necessary that the order be promoted immediately and in every state in the Union…”
  • “Will you please inform me as to the possibilities of rebuilding the Klan realm of W. Va.”
  • “I will never submit to fight beneath that banner with a Negro by my side…”
  • “Rather I should die a thousand times, and see Old Glory trampled in the dirt never to rise again … than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrel … a throwback to the blackest specimen from the wilds."
*Byrd quotes courtesy of @DearCitizen

Cross-posted at


Friday, July 6, 2012

Ted Kennedy Announces Candidacy for President of Hell

Originally posted September 2009.

With gracious thanks to BigFurHat over at for creating a fantastic image to go with this piece.

Hell, Circle 8.5 -- Just a week after his death, the greatest grafter of all time, former Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy, announced today that he was running for president of the netherworld.

“This place is a disgrace,” Kennedy said, while bathing in boiling resin and drinking a fifth of Bushmills and getting a massage from a demon named Lilith. “It looks like it’s been run by Republicans. The pagans and unbaptized babies are out of work. The lustful have lost their libido. The gluttons are starving. The hoarders are giving their possessions away. The wrathful can’t stop apologizing. The heretics have found religion. The violent have become docile. The pimps have stopped wearing fedoras and purple suits. The flatterers have gone silent. The simonists have stopped selling pardons. The soothsayers have stopped making fortune cookies. The politicians have started giving back people’s money. The hypocrites have stopped living lies. Thieves are stealing only from themselves. Deceivers are being honest. Sowers of discord have become pacifists. Falsifiers have discovered truth. And the treacherous have become huggable teddy bears.

“It’s like Martha’s Vineyard down here. It must stop, and stop now. It’s embarrassing. What would they think above ground if anyone found out?”

Kennedy said he promises a typical liberal reform platform: “We’ll restore the redistribution of wealth, spread misery equally among all classes, harvest the brains of anyone who's not yet a zombie, and curtail all freedoms and enjoyments. Why, you can’t come to hell for a suntan!”

His running mate will be Yuri Andropov, once the Soviet premier and Kennedy’s old pen pal.

The former U.S. Senator, most known for his rotund physique and vicious political attacks and inability to drive over water, said he’s just the man to come in and clean up a realm beset by years of increasingly lackluster observance of the rules of inflicting excruciating torture and eternal pain on Hell’s dwellers.

“This place has so much sloth and lascivious behavior and enjoyment going on, you'd think it was the U.S. Senate chambers at midnight during a vote on economic stimulus,” Kennedy said.

His first order of business, Kennedy added, would be organizing all demons, an often fractious group of heathens who would just as soon chew each other’s scales off as collaborate, into a well-oiled political machine that can strong-arm the supporters of any opponent into throwing their evil charms behind him. He also said he’d release all of the whores from their shackles and put them to work, secretly, to entrap the current hierarchy of power in Hell in compromising positions, such as being kind and benevolent to strangers.

Kennedy has his work cut out for him. Back in the 1950s, after Joseph Stalin died and moved here, Adolf Hitler recruited him in an attempt to overthrow Satan and form a Communist-Fascist dictatorship, but Satan fought back, having his best Gorgons unleash parasitic worms to infect the brains of both mass murderers. They’ve been hanging from either side of a Tree of Death ever since, forced to face and curse one another for all eternity.

But that was back when Hell was a bad place to be, and even those closest to Baal say he just isn’t the same cruel devil he used to be.

“I think it’s the age thing,” said one of Satan’s confidants, a three-armed, four-legged demon with 47 eyes and four humans pierced through his tongue. “He’s been waiting to take over the earth for so long, he appears to be going soft. Plus, with guys like Kim Jong-Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and U.S. President Barack Obama around, Hell is kinda starting to look like valuable real estate.”

Beelzebub himself seemed flattered by the challenge, according to his spokesman, Richard “Ahhh” Gibbs (twin brother of the chief flak for Obama).

“Satan was very pleased when he found out Senator Kennedy would be coming here,” Gibbs said. “That’s why he offered him a position of prestige among the grafters. The President himself enjoys a turn in boiling resign now and then, and was even gracious enough to give Lilith, one of his concubines, to the good Senator as a welcome gift.

“But really, we don’t think it’s anything to worry about. I’m sure Satan and the senator can work things out this weekend when they plan to have a picnic near the Circle of Cocytus (“wailing river”), in Lower Hell.

“In fact, Mr. Kennedy is so kind he’s even offered to drive.”


Thursday, July 5, 2012

ElRushbo Gives Me Townhall Protest Marching Orders

Source: Soylent Green

Originally posted August 2009.

I was just about finished polishing the last of my 7,001 gold bars, doing what rich white racist community organizers do when shamelessly hording our money from the IRS to fund secretive political missions from K Street, when the phone rang.

“Dr. Dave, I presume?”

“Yep,” I said into the Bluetooth headset the Republican National Committee bought me last fall during the infamous “Barack Obama Is a Kenyan” rallies, aimlessly rubbing circles over the gleaming gold bar in my hand.

“This izzzz Elllll-Russsshhhbo.”

“Hey, there Mahatma. Been reported to the White House today?”

“Dr. Dave, I’m sure Rahmbo records streaming audio of my voice every day; there’s no need for anyone to report me.”

“Good point. What can I do for ya?” I set down the gold bar and picked up a swastika arm band. I had a feeling it was going to come in handy.

“Glad you asked, Dr. Dave. I have some marching orders for you.”

I knew it, I thought. I’d been so bored of late, having been mundanely blogging thousands of words about the details of the president’s energy and health care policy and helping to bring down his popularity. I had a pretty good feeling that “marching orders” meant there was opportunity to be had in crisis. I was not disappointed.

“It’s time to load up the busses and haul in the grannies and granddads from all over the country. We’ve got to hit these Townhall meetings with force.”

Secretly inside I felt like a kid, as if I were again wiggling in delight over dropping a squirming frog down the front of Miss Wilson’s blouse and watching my third-grade teacher scream in revulsion, as she tore off her shirt to keep the frog from crawling into her bra, revealing what I figured at the time to be the greatest thing any 8-year-old had ever seen.

“No Brooks Brothers crowd, Rush? No seersucker suits and Bulova watches? You want straw hat and pitchfork types, right?” I said, trying to shake off the memory of my first community disruption to focus on the task in front of us.

“Righto, Dr. Dave. We need angry mobs.” I could hear the giddiness in his voice. He was reveling in the president’s Waterloo moment. He wanted this president to fail. “Make sure you round up lots of Libertarians and independents and pissed off Democrats, just to make it look good. We want to achieve deception here. We’ve got to make it look like the majority of Americans don’t want this health care business. We’ve got to make it look like people have just had enough.”

“Yes, Godfather,” I said.

And Rush went on, making it clear that his and Sean Hannity’s and Michael Steele’s and John Boehner’s and Mitch McConnell’s names were never to be associated with such shenanigans.

As he wrapped up, the doorbell rang.


Explosions erupted inside the house. The dog, barking 40 times a second, came racing down the hall, the sound of her claws scraping the floor growing louder and louder as she approached. My kids, emitting high-pitched screeches, ran like banshees right beside the dog, the cacophony so loud I could barely hear Rush saying “What the…..What IZZZ that racket?”

I opened the door to find the FedEx man standing outside, holding an envelope. The two children dashed out to greet him, one coming from each side of me, the dog barreling out between my legs, almost knocking me over. In fear, the FedEx man flung the envelope at me and dashed down the steps.

I caught the envelope on my chest and fell back against the open door, balancing on one leg while using my other foot to hook the dog under her throat, to keep her from chasing the poor guy.

“What the hell is going on?” Rush said in my ear, clearly not happy.

“Sorry, Rush.” I made sure everyone was back in the house and took the Bluetooth off my ear for a second and screamed, knowing full well Rush could still hear me but at least I wouldn’t be ruining his cochlear implants. “KIDS!!! I’m trying to plan something here on the phone. Will you SHUT UP?”

My question was immediately ignored.

“What, Daddy? What? What? What are you planning?” my 8-year-old said, hopping up and down with the unabashed glee I recognized in myself the day I disrupted Miss Wilson’s classroom.

“Yeah, Daddy. What? What? What?” said my youngest.

“An angry mob. Now give me just a minute.” I put the headset back on and opened the envelope and took out a check. “WOW, Rush. Just a million this time?”

“Yes, Dr. Dave. It’s a tough economy, but we know you will use it wisely.”

“Sure, Rush. Heck, with the Cash for Clunkers discount, we might be able to use the money to buy a couple thousand Toyata Priuses and have the rabble rousers show up at the Townhall meetings disguised as anthropogenic global warming believers.”

“Good thinking, Dr. Dave.”

“Are you going to make fun of the president,” my youngest asked, adding: “Rock Obama! I don’t like him!”

“Me neither,” the 8-year-old chimed in. “Barack Obama: KING OF THE MOONBATS! Hey, Dad. Can we come too? We’ll have Mommy paint swastikas on our cheeks!”

“Dr. Dave,” Rush said, having listened to my family dynamic all along, “you’ve been raising them right. I think your angry mobs are going to be wildly successful.”

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

I Am a Democrat: You Owe Me

In recognition of Dependence Day, I give you ....

I’m a democrat. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I have my own pile of money, but I want yours, too, including the four pennies you have rattling around in the bottom of that peanut butter jar you frugal idiots like to use as a change holder. Give it up! You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I just say I like the public school system. My kids go to private schools so that your kids can go to public schools and learn how to be good little democrats like me. When my kids grow up and become better members of a collectivist society, and your kids grow up confused, my kids will get government jobs and take more money and freedom from your kids. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I have a job with health insurance, but I think it’s everyone else’s fault when I get sick and have to cut back on my lifestyle so I can pay for health care that should be free, along with cars and houses and big screen TVs. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. There is no god. You can go ahead and get down on your knees and pray to the ceiling for forgiveness and strength and peace, but I’ll be standing right behind you with a tire iron, bashing your skull and stealing your wallet. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I hate people. I would rather sleep with my dog or a cucumber or a tree than with another person…unless I can just dump them on the curb after we’re through. You just have sex to make more people so you can continue to earn more money while you rape the planet. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I love taxes. It’s patriotic…for you…to pay them. I don’t pay any, anyway. And if I have to, I’ve figured out loop holes or have offshore accounts to shelter my money, so the government never really gets too much from me anyway. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. It’s not only my right but also my duty to take freedom and representative republicanism from you, little by little, and replace it with government bureaucracy. From each according to his ability, to each according to his need. I’m needy. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I have a $20 million vacation playground on Martha’s Vineyard and a guarded compound in South Chicago and belong to the richest majority in Washington’s history. But I hate rich people who aren't democrats and want your property too so I can save endangered swamp rats and build turtle tunnels and fix toilets. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. There are more of you than there are of me. You breathe too much. I’ve told the world outlandish lies that you’re causing global warming, using faulty correlations to get everyone so worried they’re about to let me tax thin air. And you’ll breathe a lot less. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m an elitist. I’m perfect. I’m not like all of you stupid wingnuts out there working your greedy little fingers to the bone trying to make a little money and feed your family and have something to call successful when you retire. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I live in the city so I can get stupid drunk and piss on the streets when I want and kick your parked car when it gets in my way. It’s too bad that you have all those guns in your humble suburban and country homes. If you didn’t, I’d come and toss you out on your naked ass and make you live in the fetid cities that my government policies screwed up. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I think you hate homosexuals. I have no idea that you just want to be left alone and live your life the way you see fit and not have your children taught with government money that they should seek alternative lifestyles for the fun of it. I just want you to do what I think you should do with your life. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m so tolerant I can’t tolerate anyone who doesn’t think the way I do. In fact, I hate white people. I hate all people. I hate myself. I hate myself so much that I hate you even more when you are happy. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I don’t know how to do anything for myself. I need to be told what to do. I don’t think human beings are capable of taking care of themselves. That’s what government is for. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I don’t think any people should have rights. I think fish and frogs and grass should, however, and I want to represent them in court…and you to pay for it. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m a child. I act like a child and I think like a child and I live like a child and I throw up my hands and have little fits when I don’t get my way. There should be no consequences for anything I do. But there should be consequences for you, even if you’re blameless in what I accuse you of. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m racist but I get others to think that you are racist just because I call you one. It’s a riot to watch you squirm because I know you have a conscience. I do not. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I was born poor or middle class or rich, but it doesn’t matter. I was born black or white or Asian or Latina, but it still doesn’t matter. In fact, it’s Bush’s fault that I was even allowed to be born at all. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I want health care at your expense, while I’m young and virulent and child-like. But then I want you to kill me when I start to get old and weak and feeble, so that all of my young and virulent and child-like democrat friends can have health care at your expense.

Then I want to come back to life as a rock, so lots of birds can shit on me. They owe me, too, for being a loony moonbat.

Originally posted July 2009.


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

President Leads Police on Drunken Vehicle Chase after White House Beer Party

Reposted from July 2009.

WASHINGTON -- President Barack Obama was arrested for DUI this afternoon after taking a Harvard professor and a Cambridge police officer on a harrowing barhopping tour and subsequent high-speed police chase through the city.

What started as a beer picnic outside the Oval Office to clear the air over the president’s embarrassing comments last week after the arrest of Harvard’s Henry Louis Gates turned ugly, when Obama, having quaffed one Bud Light and four plastic bottles of water in 15 minutes, stole a Secret Service SUV and demanded Gates and Sgt. James Crowley continue their party throughout the District of Columbia.

When Crowley refused to enter the SUV and politely threatened to arrest the president for disorderly conduct, Obama clubbed him on the head a half dozen times with a full bottle of water and shoved the unconscious police officer into the back seat. Obama then jumped in the driver’s seat and mashed the accelerator and rammed the massive vehicle through the White House gate at a high rate of speed.

Gate guards and members of the Secret Service were too stunned to react.

“It was like he turned into Kimbo Slice when he beat up that officer,” said one secret serviceman, who asked to remain anonymous. “We just didn’t know what to do. To be honest with you, after seeing him throw that girly pitch at the MLB All-Star game, we were wondering if this guy was
really a poser.”

Vice President Joe Biden, who saw the whole thing from the Oval Office, where he was practicing sitting at the president’s mahogany Resolute desk and saying presidential things like “ahhh” and “ummm,” said Obama has a drinking problem.

“I knew the rumors were swirling among his supporters that the president has been seen drinking from noxious plastic water bottles far too often in public, but I didn’t know it was this bad,” Biden said. “I guess the petroleum from all that plastic must have leeched into his brain and triggered something evil that we just couldn’t see coming.”

By the time everyone realized what had happened, the vehicle carrying the three men had sped out of sight.

The president and Gates, however, were soon seen dragging Crowley into Halo, on P Street, where a bartender, who calls himself Max, said the president ordered four more plastic bottles of water, while Gates drank a Perrier.

“They got that nice police officer, who was slumped on the bar, a chocolate-strawberry martini, but he wouldn’t wake up to drink it,” the bartender said. “The president kept poking him with an empty water bottle and telling him he was acting stupidly and asking him to stop faking it. But, I have to tell you, I don’t think that man was faking anything. He was out cold.”

Witnesses said the president and Gates carried Crowley back to the SUV after spending about 15 minutes at the bar, long before police could arrive on the scene. The vehicle was spotted about 10 minutes later at CafĂ©’ Saint-Ex & Gate 54 on 14th Street, but only for a short while. One witness said only Obama and Gates went into the bar, then came out after just a few minutes, dripping wet and laughing hysterically and carrying sloshing plastic bottles of water.

“It looked like they had been having a water fight,” another witness said.

By the time the three men were spotted at the Wonderland Ballroom on Kenyon Street, Obama was reportedly hitting the wall. “He kept yelling, ‘SHOTS. Let’s do SHOTS!’” said a male barmaid who identified himself only as Candi. “He must have done about 4 shots of Evian, and then started dumping tequila down that poor police officer’s throat. It was very frightening.”

Obama reportedly got word from one of the bar patrons of the sound of approaching sirens, and the three men stumbled out (this time, Crowley on his own) of the bar and piled into the vehicle and drove off, just as police cruisers came barreling down the street.

Witnesses say the president drove the SUV erratically back toward the White House, weaving in and out of traffic for several blocks, as police closed in. More than once the SUV left the street and lumbered down the sidewalk. Along the way, the vehicle ran over a clown who curiously resembled Minnesota Senator Al Franken, a female prostitute, and two homeless men sleeping on the sidewalk.

The prostitute got up and ran away, while the homeless men crawled back into their cardboard boxes and fell asleep again. Only the clown died, the coroner said. Vehicular manslaughter charges may be pending, police said.

“We have to wait for identification procedures and toxicology tests before we know whether or not it really was Franken,” one officer said. “If it was, I doubt we’ll press charges. But if it really was a working clown, well then, by God, we’ll throw the book at the president.”

Police finally caught up with the vehicle on Pennsylvania Avenue, when Obama took a corner too fast and it slammed into a fence.

Police quickly took the president into custody. Obama was charged with battery, motor vehicle theft, destruction of government property, and driving under the influence, before he was hauled off to the Marion Barry Honorary Cell at the DC Jail, a cigarette dangling from his mouth.

Obama still faces charges of child abuse and human cruelty over feeding children and homeless people lead-laced vegetables from the First Garden.

UPDATE: A million thank yous to Friendly21 for posting a link to this over at Hot Air.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Flies Revolt, Swarm White House

Reposted from June 2009.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Billions of flies descended on the nation’s capital this morning, torching entire neighborhoods, looting businesses, and swarming the White House in a revolt against President Barack Hussein Obama’s brutal public execution of a fly last week.

The riots began early during rush hour. Hordes of flies could be seen flying low to avoid detection by radar in squadrons from all directions, carrying either excrement bombs or signs declaring “Exoskeletal Beings Have Rights, Too.” Sorties pummeled everything along The Mall and from Pennsylvania Avenue south to the Tidal Basin and the Jefferson Memorial.

Before the Pentagon could realize what was occurring and muster a swift defense, flies had secured a perimeter 10 square blocks around the White House and began their assault on the president’s quarters. Local flies quickly joined the fracas, setting fire to their own homes and looting businesses, particularly grocery stores and sushi restaurants.

“It was an incredible nightmare,” said a homeless man, leaning against one of the few cherry trees that weren’t set ablaze in Lafayette Square, just across Pennsylvania Avenue from the White House. Identifying himself as former General Motors Corp. Chief Executive Rick Wagoner, who claimed he hid under a space blanket during the riot, the man was appalled something like this could happen in Washington. “It’s despicable those flies would do so much damage to their own neighborhoods. Do they think this is Los Angeles or Detroit?”

One Secret Serviceman, who refused to be indentified, said the Eisenhower Executive Office Building, where Vice President Joe Biden lives, was gutted by fire and feared destroyed.

“We were really scared the White House was next, once we got the vice president out of his underground bunker and managed to hide him in an abandoned subway station nearby,” he said. “He actually had a good time playing cards with the homeless guys down there. I think he felt right at home.”

The Secret Service tried using their Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catchers to trap as many flies as possible, but the flies kept resuming their assault once they were let free. “Now I know what the Gitmo detainees must be thinking of doing once we let them go,” the unidentified Secret Serviceman said.

The Pentagon finally called in crop dusters and strafed the entire city with secret stashes of illegal DDT, just in case there were outlying cells of flies ready to continue the fight.

“I know we’re not supposed to use that stuff, but the situation demanded appropriate action, and the president acted decisively in the best interests of the nation’s capital…and himself,” a Pentagon spokesman said. “We’ll deal with the fallout, and the possible increase in future cancer rates from Washington residents and government employees, when we have to. Besides, if we get national health care, anyone who gets sick from this stuff won’t be treated anyway. So, really, it’s a win-win.”

By mid-afternoon, the entire National Mall, the South Lawn, The Ellipse, the Washington Monument grounds, and Constitution Gardens were a sea of black, with dead flies piled a foot deep as if a blizzard from hell had engulfed the city.

The exterior of the White House was in disrepair, with most of the windows facing Lafayette Square shattered and the paint on the statuesque columns chewed away. On the south side of the building, the following words appeared to be scrawled in excrement on the fascia of the balcony: “You May Be the Messiah But You’re No Lord of the Flies.”

Sources say the president, who was in the building at the time of the attack, remains shaken but unharmed.

The entire city was also still in lockdown, with the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the National Guard, and officers of the Air Force Office of Special Investigations, Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, Capitol Police, Central Intelligence Agency, Defense Criminal Investigative Service, Department of State Diplomatic Security, Drug Enforcement Administration, Environmental Protection Agency, Federal Protective Service, Fish & Wildlife Service, Immigration and Customs Enforcement, Internal Revenue Service, Marshals Service, Naval Criminal Investigative Service, Postal Service, Secret Service, and Transportation Security Administration going door to door armed with cans of Raid to kill any remaining flies that might be in hiding.

Several government sources said they feared federal employees are now so afraid of something like this happening again that they’re going to quit their jobs and flee the area, ruining the city’s claim to the only dwindling unemployment rate in the nation.

Unsubstantiated rumors implicate People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) as organizers of the revolt. A spokesman for PETA refused to comment on the allegations or that fact that 10 members of PETA were arrested on Pennsylvania Avenue, including buxom blonde TV star Pamela Anderson, who was detained for trying to smuggle flies to safety inside her mouth.

The PETA spokesman did indicate his group would take action. “We have knowledge that so many flies from the Eastern seaboard were offended by the president’s murder of one of their innocent brothers that they joined in the revolt and were summarily executed themselves. We fear the damage to the ecosystem may be irreversible. We demand that Congress immediately take up legislation to add these exoskeletal beings to the endangered species list.”

The president himself issued this written statement through the White House Press Office:

“The history of our treatment of flies in this country is abhorrent. We are bad…very bad. I myself am even more bad:

Because I’m bad, I’m bad -- come on
(bad, bad -- really, really bad)
You know I’m bad, I’m bad -- you know it
(bad, bad -- really, really bad)
You know I’m bad, I’m bad -- come on, you know
(bad, bad -- really, really bad)
And the whole world has to answer right now
Just to tell you once again,
Who’s bad . . .

“I apologize for committing murder last week. I was tired. Gibbsy was over there, off camera, egging me on. We all thought it was a big joke. I see now how wrong I was. I look forward to dialoging with the flies, PETA, and anyone else concerned about this terrible incident in our history.”

This satire is also posted at Smart Girl Nation.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Death Is Yours ... If You Want It (Revisited)

A NOTE FROM SNARKY: While I'm on vacation this week, sneaking up to Pennsylvania to sabotage Barack Obama's visit and the Occupy Skid Row movement's plan to make Philadelphia even filthier, I'll be reposting some of the more popular offerings of this site, just for Ema, so she knows that trolls like her can't possibly begin to measure up to what this site has accomplished over the past 4 years. Thanks for reading. SB.


I am an expatriate in reverse. I left America to find America. When I returned, I found America a writhing, swollen, tumor infested beast, wriggling in the throes of death.

That was nearly 20 years ago. It takes a long time for a bloated bureaucracy to die.

Now I sit on my front porch and monitor the decay from an iPhone, like some detached scientist, keeping data, talking notes, bookmarking doom, plotting charts that prove my hypothesis: We're all going to die.

I am a prognosticator, a Nostradamus, ready to flip to the last page of the Mayan calendar. A false prophet.

Of course we're all going to die; humans weren't meant to be immortal. Thank God for that. The problem is we are all dying of loss, a loss of self, a loss of responsibility, a loss of personal dignity. Premature rigor mortis. We still live and breathe and pump cholesterol clogged blood through our veins. But outside we die a nanosecond at a time as the world passes by, microscopic oblivion ex utero.

When nearly 50 percent of the taxpayers pay no tax at all and demand that the 10% of the highest earners who already suffer 70% of the tax burden pay more, when we give up basic freedoms for the "comfort" and "security" of government "protection," when we eschew freedom for "safety," only death is inevitable. The death of individuality. The death of rational thought. The death of a way of life we couldn't possibly have had anywhere else. The death of a country.

So I sit here on my porch, watching it all, trapping the images in these words, photographing in hi definition the end.

It's a God-damned comedy of horrors.


The news is filled with cannibalism. A man takes synthetic bath salts and chews off the face of another man in broad daylight on a Miami causeway. Both are naked. No one knows why. A gay porn star mails pieces of human flesh to political offices. He sends videos to fans. He blames Hollywood.

The paranoid fear the zombie apocalypse is nigh. It's been here for decades, if not a century. We just never noticed.

Zombie politicians began devouring our lives, our freedoms, our human-ness long before the images of freaked out psychopaths scrolled across our 50-inch TV screens, the very ones on which we watched Jeopardy and American Idol and Jersey Shore, while zombie cannibals in our local municipalities and state capitols and the District of Criminals gutted us from within. And it wasn't even surreptitious. The gutting occurred before our very eyes. We were just too blind to see. Now we live on life support: HDTV, Xbox, takeout Chinese. We get fat from Big Gulps and digital over-stimulation, as we bleed our insides out into government coffers, knowingly.

We are not sheep: we are slaves.


When I lived in Germany in the early 90s, a soldier "fighting for my country" in a guard shack, I'd walk around the villages and cities of my adopted country and meet people who were in denial. When you start two world wars and eviscerate the population of a continent, you no longer have a sense of self. Socialism was rampant. Kids graduated from high school expecting the government to cradle them. Government assistance checks were a badge of honor. If you were a young woman and uncomfortable with your bra size, a government boob job magically transformed your confidence. A good day was drinking your way through breakfast and lunch and dinner and collapsing on a bench at a bus stop. Four years in the pit of a cradle to grave society taught me there was no better place on earth than America.

But what I came back to wasn't what I had left. I've seen federal government agents kill American citizens for no reason at all. I've seen young people no longer embrace the values my parents taught me: work hard, be your own man, expect nothing but what you earn by the sweat of your own brow. It's as if I came back only to find I was still living in the apathetic society I'd left behind in Germany. I returned to participation trophies for being born and people spending $100,000 to earn sociology degrees so they can never earn more than $50,000 a year.

I came back to madness.

It's accelerated beyond belief these past four years. My iPhone wants to replace "people" with "proletariat" as i type. Free has now replaced freedom as the fundamental purpose of life in America. Satire is now reality; we're living a Ray Bradbury novel, an Ayn Rand prophecy, a George Orwell realization.


Aphorisms for our times race through my head. Weird scenes inside the dumb mind. Something wicked has already come. What rough beast slouches toward Washington to make you bow down.

We've been living in strange times for as long as I can remember. I was born during Vietnam; I now write during Americanam. The yoke of government is so locked around our necks I fear we may never break free.

The days ahead are dangerous. When a sitting president who has accomplished nothing but corruption and anguish and doled out more than your fair share of abuse has a chance to win re-election, we may already be over the cliff.

In these spend times we are nearing end times. The center cannot hold. It's already beyond being off axis.

In the coming 5 months we have a decision to make. Do we let our country die? Do we let our way of life die? Do we let ourselves die?

Choosing Mitt Romney over Barack Obama is infinitely more palatable than continuing on this path of destruction we follow. We have great sacrifices to make. We will have to retire later than we planned. We will have to expect less government entitlements than we were "promised" when we were forced to give the government our money to fund them. Then more money. And still more money. (Hell, every year we vote to tax ourselves locally for infrastructure projects many of us never see come to life, because often that money is diverted to other expenditures, just like the entitlement taxes we pay.) We will have to make the biggest gut check of our lives. We will have to hold the limbs of the people we elect to take over this monstrosity to more than just a fire; we will have to tie them to a rack and torture them, if necessary, to right this sinking ship.

I don't know if we have the stomach for it. I don't know if we are brave enough. I don't know if we can disconnect from the shroud of unreality we create for ourselves to get through every second and minute and hour of every day.

But we must. If we don't, it's all over. And the death throes our country has been experiencing for longer than I've been alive will accelerate.

And it will entirely be our own fault.

We'll have to live with that, until we don't. Live, that is.

Cross-posted at Pat Dollard.

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