FYADHD Field Correspondent innominatus reporting. All right (wings) reserved.
A visibly beleaguered President Obama completed his whirlwind tour in promotion of healthcare refrom legislation yesterday. After the meeting in Montana, where he was confronted by an unfriendly crowd of NRA members, the President chose to head back to Martha's Vineyard to enjoy a much needed vacation at a luxury farm the first family has leased out.
The opposition to the reforms has come as something of a shock to the administration, and the stress is clearly evident on the President's demeanor - dark bags under the eyes, more salt than pepper in the hair, and a short temper with the press and his inner circle of advisors. Previously reliable political allies such as Peggy Noonan and the CEO of Whole Foods have turned their back on the once popular Commander-in-Chief. Aboard Air Force One he sought a reassuring kiss from his wife but instead received a harsh rebuke: "No way, nuh-uh! There ain't enough tic-tacs on the planet to cover up the smell of all that bullshit comin' out your mouth!"
The President vowed to push forward with the reforms, despite plunging approval among the population, going so far as to say that he was willing to be a one-termer to see it happen. "I make it my solemn vow to see these reforms passed!" In a huddle at the back of the plane, Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel, equally despondent, was heard muttering nonsense to himself while viewing former Governor Sarah Palin's Facebook page on his laptop before going totally nucking futs and stabbing the screen with an icepick. When members of the press corps began to question the former IDF killer/ballet dancer's sanity, spokesman Robert Gibbs eased their fears by saying "That happens all the time. He's fine. There's a clause in the Stimulus bill that funds an unlimited supply of laptops for bipolar administration officials."
Later, an intrepid reporter summoned the courage to ask the semi-conscious President "Sir, with every effort to promote this crappy legislation blowing up in your face, what can you do differently to gain the widespread approval you need?" Lifting his face from his cupped hand and wiping drool off his lip with a embroidered Yes We Can napkin, the President replied "Let me be perfectly clear: We still have a few tricks up our sleeve. The Democrat playbook says that in a time like this the appropriate response would be to start a small war somewhere as a distraction, but the American people are losing interest in such things. Instead, we'll take a bipartisan approach and have a famous celebrity die of a tragic overdose. We already have a few in mind. The American people devour news coverage of such sad, sad events. Perhaps will we combine that with an abduction of an attractive blonde co-ed. Fox News, my nemesis, seems to have a strange facination with that kind of reporting. That will give us some media wiggle room to jam this bill through Congress without any of those racist teabaggers ever hearing about it." Upon hearing this, Sean Penn - a noted Obama supporter and semicelebrity in his own right - perked up from his dope-induced nap on the beanbag to release the following twitter statement "I have a Big Gulp cup of black tar heroin preheated and ready to slam. I'm just waiting for Dear Leader to give the command. I am willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for my country."
An informal poll of protesters reveals that plan may have some merit. A sign-waving grandma, who prefers to remain anonymous, said "I'm no fan of socialized medicine. I believe in personal responsibility. But if means one less lefty hollywood celebutard enema nozzle on my TV, I'd have to give that some serious thought. That's a trade I might be willing to make."