Thursday, August 13, 2009

Very Scary BarryCare

[MSNBC Studios]

[token conservative] "But Chris, the CBO, yes that CBO, said it will balloon the deficit while..."

[Chrissy Matthews] "Look, I know that you like the idea of millions going without health insurance. You're just an evil-mongering swastik.."

[Matthews, interrupting himself] "Just a sec... We go live now to Dearest President Obama's Townhall meeting."

[Obama, onscreen] "Thank you folks, for your civility. A vigorous and robust debate is vital, and we can do a lot better than the last meeting in New Hampshire. There were snipers and nazis everywhere at that meeting. I felt a little like Secretary of State Bill Cl... Oops! Sorry, Hill! I keep saying that! I felt a little like Hillary in Bosnia when she had to go all Matrix dodging bullets and stuff."

[Matthews, hushed tone] "Can you believe it! The President stormed right through a barrage of nazi gunfire to address the crowd. He's so brave, like MacArthur tearing through Europe."

[token conservative] "Chris, Patton tore up Europe. MacArthur was in the Pacific."

[Matthews] "Shut up, liar, or you'll end up in the Pacific!"

[Obama, onscreen, surrounded by purpleshirt SEIUnicorns with billy clubs] "Let's take a question"

[Random person] "Mr. President, what can I do to improve my odds before the Death Panel?"

[Obama] "Let me be perfectly clear. There is no Death Panel. That is a vicious lie cooked up by that vicious liar who couldn't even beat Joe in the veep debate. Any so-called Death Panel would be just another gov't committee, and we know how inefficient committees are. My plan is all about efficiency - there will be NO committees. Instead, there is a complex formula and a spreadsheet that will determine medical outcomes. Just a few keystrokes and a few mouse clicks, and the correct cell on the spreadsheet will be highlighted. Just like that! Imagine the savings! For example, say you're a young gay progressive illegal alien on welfare. You have a lot of life ahead of you. The spreadsheet will say that you'll receive the best of care, with no regard for cost. On the other hand, if you're a retired oil executive who needs knee surgery so you can keep playing tennis on the weekends, well, we're just going to put a plastic bag over your head and push you down the stairs. Very efficient! We'll even put the spreadsheet on the web at, so you can see whether you should even bother waiting in line for a doctor or whether you should just sit in your big disgusting SUV idling with the garage door closed 'til you finally die of monoxide poisoning."

[Matthews] "I'm tingling! Are you tingling?"

[Rahm E, onscreen whispering something to Obama]

[Obama, pissedly] "Now I'm just learning that my fellow liberals are all a bunch of wussies. They're folding under the pressure of the unruly ginned-up astroturfer mobs. The Senate has removed the deathgrid provision. Bastages! They're afraid of a handful of nazis and an ex-governor with a Twitter account."

[crowd cheers]

[Obama] "This is not the end!!!!!!!!!!" [stomps off platform angrily]

x-posted at innominatus


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