Monday, August 3, 2009

Democrats Want Bush Back

Six months after George W. Bush left office, Democrats are publicly asking if they’d be better off with him as president -- and how they might be able to get him back.

Worried about their own infighting over health care reform and cap and trade along with public opinion turning against President Barack Obama (and them) every time he opens his serpentine mouth, House Democrats increasingly fear huge election losses in 2010 and are now discussing whether having Bush around to blame for their problems would improve their longterm goals, number one of which is making sure they’re never ever forced to get real jobs.

Senate Democrats, meanwhile, fear being ambushed by angry mobs of Tea Partiers carrying pitch forks and copies of the Constitution when the Senate goes on recess at the end of this week.

“I hear they’re going to make us actually read the Constitution,” said Senate majority leader Harry Reid (Dipshit, Nevada). “I’m telling my fellow Senate Democrats to hold by-invitation-only townhall meetings, if they even hold them at all. We learned from Congressional townhall meetings. We’re not going to put ourselves in a situation where we actually have to listen to our constituents. They’re really, really, REALLY mean to us, and ask us really, really hard questions, such as, “Do you know what year it is?” I mean, THEY EXPECT US TO HEAR THE TRUTH, for crying out loud!”

Nancy Pelosi, the Wicked Witch of Congress, said Democrats have tried everything else and failed.

“I blamed the insurance industry last week for all of our problems, and Harry Reid blamed the media, but nobody’s listening,” she said. “We figure if Bush is back, no one will be looking at our stupidity anymore. Frankly, having had the smartest dumb president ever just hasn’t worked out these past 6 months. It’s made everything worse. Now. If you’ll excuse me, Congress is in recess, so I’m going to use my great health care for a Botox appointment and then an abortion. Afterwards, the Air Force is flying me to Wyoming so I can recover some of my vitality by sucking on toads we saved using stimulus money.”

Procedurally, it would likely be impossible to remove a president from one party and install one from another party -- and even highly illegal, particularly without input from the American people.

But rules never stopped Democrats before.

“Who caresthh about the American people?” Congressman Barney Frank (Dickhead, Massatuthets), wearing a pointy biker helmet and assless chaps, said outside a gay bar in Boston. “We can do whatever we want. Heck, Henry Waxthman wath just telling me the othwa day that we could easiwy pwomote Obama to cewimonial Supweme Weader, like they have in Iwan, and invite Bush back using the Cwazy Cwawze in the Const…Consti…whatever that thing is those white guys who found Amewica wote back in the 1960s.

“I weawwy wouldn’t know. I nevwa wed the thing.”

The Democrats are convinced that Americans still hold Bush responsible for the nation's economic woes -- even though Obama’s spending of gobs of fictitious money in just 6 months makes the Bush presidency look like the cheapest bunch of thrifties ever to lead the nation. Democrats believe that having Bush back will help them convince the American people to show more patience with their policies if people are reminded of their dissatisfaction with the 8 years of Bush’s presidency.

“That’s old news; it’ll never work,” said Newt Gingrich, former Republican speaker of the House. “The Democrats are about to be tarred and feathered back in their home districts over the August recess. In fact, it’s already begun. I hear people are even planning to shave Barbara Boxer’s back. They could bring back Richard Nixon right now and still not avoid being boiled alive by the American public.”

Obama, meanwhile, was silent on the matter. Sources say he’s still recovering from his hangover after last week’s Beer Summit, and that the First Lady has been beating him with a cane for days over making her eat vegetables contaminated by the Clintons' sewage.

Vice President Joe Biden apparently is all for the idea, according to a statement he released this morning.

"I really like a good soap opera, and we’ve certainly got one here in Washington," his statement read. “But we really need that Bush guy back because we’ve run out of people to blame, and blaming ourselves just won’t cut it. You know how it is when you have no idea what you’re doing and turn a bad situation into a catastrophe: You blame a guy who’s been fishing for the past 6 months.”


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