Show me the money...$295.20 billion to 350 financial institutions...and counting.Jagoffs...HEY! Look kids...it's almost time to tap the next $350 billion.Fuckers...
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Advice to Nancy Pelosi: Photoshop IS Necessary
I couldn't make her look worse if I DID use Photoshop!As Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi tries to Photoshop her reputation as a partisan bi-atch of epic proportions:I didn’t come here to be partisan. I didn’t come here to be bipartisan. I came here, as did my colleagues, to be nonpartisan, to work for the American people, to do what is in their interest.I thought it only fair to point out that she's focusing her efforts...
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Mahmoud’s “Trump” Letter to Obama
Intercepted en route from Tehran to the White House this very minute and decoded using the new instant record-hacking software (medical, personal, thought, and mind-control!) embedded in the Obama economic stimulus plan!Dear Mr. b. Hussein Obama:I just LOVE that your name is Muslim! It gives me great faith in knowing that, if the President of the United States can have a Muslim name, Allah is truly shining his grace...
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
"My President Is Black"
I wonder if President b. Hussein appreciates this brilliant source of reason, intelligence, and lyricism from Young Jeezy. It certainly bridges divides, celebrates bringing people together, and ends divisiveness. This place calls it the "New, post-racial America theme song"... because of this inauguration run up tirade by Young Jeezy and Jay-Z.Can you imagine, late at night, in the White House Master Bedroom, the president jamming to the rhythm through his earbuds, while looking over a final copy of the stimulus package?I sure...
Monday, January 26, 2009
BREAKING NEWS: LalaPalooza Says Babies No Longer Allowed; BAD for Economy!
WASHINGTON, D.C. – An aging nation got really friggin’ old today, as Washington lawmakers proposed banning the pagan practice of having children.Speaker of the House Nancy Palooza boldly proclaimed that adding birth control funding to President Barrack Obama’s economic stimulating package “will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government."It will save billions, she said. “Just think of the productivity that...
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Blago Is...Ghandi-King-Mandella
On Sunday's NBC Today:Blagojevich, talking about the day of his arrest: "The day unfolded and I had a whole bunch of of thoughts. Of course my children, and my wife. And then I thought about Mandela, Dr. King, Ghandi, and tried to put some perspective in all this." Well...damn, Blago. And I thought you were Mayor Daley (et al).I'm sorry the rooms where the FBI recordings of your bullshit took place represent "a violation" for you....I'm taking action, heavy action, that you're going to find out the true meaning of that word...
National Bank of Obama, Reprise
I just friggin' HATE it when I'm onto something. (Please! I hope his subject doesn't become my weekly Sunday sermon.)It makes me think all the grumpy crap I spew here actually means something. Don't get me wrong. I DON'T WANT IT TO! I'm going for nothing more than fanciful half-assed attempts to entertain a group of people (that'd be you 58+ million NObama voters and some of you 62 million Obama voters who...hopefully...someday...
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Archie Bunker for President in 2012
Digital Publius over here knows what he's talking about when he says:This was the 70’s? You would think this was on last week's episode. It does a great job of pointing out the consistency of the democratic party. It is almost scary. I guess it proves the Bible when it says; there is nothing new under the son.Archie Bunker is a classic character...funny, outrageous, and (even 30-plus years later) absolutely friggin' on the mon...
Friday, January 23, 2009
Welcome to My Obama Bunker (SHHH!)
Stay the HELL away from my loo!Welcome to my Obama bunker. I’ve been stocking this thing…oh… for about 2 years, ever since b. Hussein entered the race. We all knew it was coming to this…even if no one wanted to say it aloud…and I just had to make sure I was ready for whatever comes my way.Watch your step. It’s a little cluttered down here. I have so many supplies I can barely get back to the Reliance Luggable Loo (So...
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Two Queens With a Bad Friggin' Hat
The queen of soul, Aretha Franklin, and the queen of the soul-less, Ellen DeGeneres, have one thing in common...bad friggin' ObamaLuv hats.Hey, CelebTV...you really want my opinion on who wore it better? It's right here in the middle of my hand...see the only finger raised.(Thanks for the tip, Mrs. ADHD.)UPDATE: Well...at least it inspired free-market enterprise.UPDATE 2: I've been culturally corrected (I'm such a baaad man). Aretha is wearing a hat well within gospel tradition, in which black women wear such crowns to church...
I Pledge...To Laugh a HELL of a Lot at This
Celebutante glitterati and their love for Democratic presidents are nothing new. But Iowahawk's Pledge of Obama Allegiance feels so much more satisfying than any ole thrill going up my leg:Some guy with baseball cap that I guess I'm supposed to know: I pledge. Stringy-haired Manson girl with creepy gray eyes: I pledge. Demi Moore: Too-ooo-oo smile more. Eva Longoria: To laugh more! Can't quite place her, but think I maybe saw her on a cosmetics commercial once: [intense glare] to LOVE more. Black Eyed Peas guy: I pledge. Evita...
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Sweet Caroline Shines No More...or Maybe...or...Maybe Not!
My FAVORITE she-menThe golden girl dropped out of the race for Hill's NY junior seat in the U.S. Senate today. Seems she got tired of having to defend her non-record of never having done squat, save being borne of a former president.In this case, Camelot fell. Which is really funny, because the OMM was just about all over NY Gov. David Patterson being ready to name her Hill's replacement.UPDATE: Oh, balls...and fer Pete's...
The Oath...Take 2...Good Lord, How Long Will This Go On?
Wall Street JournalOnce wasn't enough for The One. After Justice John Roberts butchered delivering the oath to President Barack Hussein Obama yesterday...he had to do it again...today...in the White House.Apparently several constitutional scholars, law abiding and deriding citizens that they are, advised the president he'd potentially suffer a legal challenge (from whom, Biden?) if he didn't do it right. When all else...
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Bye, George...Hello...WTF????
The New RepublicSo long, George...Hello.... WTF???That's a real confidence builder.Yes, Mr. President...it would appear it truly is time for us all to pitch in, since every time you mention it's "a new era of responsibility" you really mean it's "a time for you citizen-comrades to give just a little more, and then a little bit extra," and the Dow drops accordingly.My...
Sunday, January 18, 2009
The National Bank of Obama
You want a bank you can trust. You want to know your money is safe. You want to feel assured in these uncertain times.At the National Bank of Obama, your peace of mind is our top friggin’ priority. The storm may be gathering, the sky may be falling, global warming may be freezing your ass off this winter, and the nation may have slipped into economic chaos beyond epic purportions never before seen (except for every other...
Saturday, January 17, 2009
I Am Boy George
Sky NewsI am Boy George, and I'm a friggin' walking circus. I’ve got a Star of David tattooed on my head, I look better in makeup than Angelina Jolie, and I like to whip my boys with chains.Give me a needle and a spoon, and I’ll show you a culture club you’ve never seen before. Come check me out in the slammer. Oh, yeah, baby! I’m down for 15 months. I’ll be singing “Yes we can” in the prison basement so much they’ll...
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
So Good, Newspapers Practically Sell Themselves!
It’s awful when you’re down and out, but even the late late late night advertising stars suffer in this crappy economy.Take Vince. Once the popular shill of sponge cloth for insomniacs, poor Vince has fallen on hard times. Really friggin’ hard times. Now that paper towels are cheaper than Shamwow! Vince has been forced to sell the next best thing to toilet paper: Newspapers.“I don’t know. It sells itself,” Vince says,...
Leon Panetta: Latest to Make Dickipedia
Leon, demonstrating how to avoid the obvious.Leon Panetta, White House chief of staff under X-42, from 1994-1997 (better known as the Lewinsky scandal era), didn't know a thing about the ex-president's Oval Office liaisons with The Big Cigar Lover.Which, of course, makes ALL the sense in the world for Barack Obama to appoint him head of the CIA. A great spy always looks the other way, they say (or did I just make that...
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
YouTube and Congress
Hey, Harry Reid, Nancypalooza, et al...I may be out on a limb here, but I'm pretty friggin' confident few of us are going to be looking Congress up on YouTube, EXCEPT:To broadcast what you idiots did wrongTo nail your butts before and during re-election (this applies to both parties, boys and girls)To post, on our blogs, whatever goofy, whacky, outrageous, and downright embarrassing crap you people spew...even if you're grandstanding from your friggin' office.We're waiting without holding our breath. In fact, here's the spoof...
The Cult of...Obama
One of these day's I'll have to find other subject matter to write about, but stupidity isn't always spread evenly. Here we have "larger than life art," according to our giddy narrator, from Chicago elementary school kids, bringing this sky-view image of Barack Obama to life:.msnbcLinks {font-size:11px; font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; color: #999; margin-top: 5px; background: transparent; text-align: center; width: 425px;} .msnbcLinks a {text-decoration:none !important; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999 !important; font-weight:normal...
Monday, January 12, 2009
OMG! Obama Meets with that Mexican Dude!
"In a time honored tradition!" (yeah, man, TIME HONORED!), president-elect Barack Obama had lunch today with Mexican President Felipe Calderon.With two ongoing wars in the Middle East, one in Afghanistan, and a worldwide recession that has world leaders frantic, the first big-time leader Obama meets is...Calderon.That's...really...EXCITING!You can only imagine what they talked about...amnesty for illegals...the baja surf...and probably where Obama can score some good smoke, wholesale.They also sang a rendition of this classic:Mexican...
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Obama’s Secret Letter to Hamas
January 10, 2009Barack Hussein ObamaOffice of the President-ElectPO BOX 8102Chicago, Illinois 60682Dear Khaled Mashaal, Ismail Haniyah, Mahmoud Zahar, Ayman Taha, JamalAbu Hashim, Salah el-Bardawil, Mohamed Nasser, or Imad el-Alami (or whoever is in charge and receives this before getting extinguished by a smart bomb):I extend personal greetings from the highest office of the United States (well, it will be mine in 10...
Friday, January 9, 2009
Obnoxio the Friggin’ Loony Clown
I’m pretty friggin’ whacked so there aren’t many I’d bow down to and anoint as more nutty than I am…well…I did write that hero worship about Iowahawk a while back. But I’m also American, so that leaves me at a disadvantage, having been born with a stick up my arse, as they like to say across the pond.That’s why I go over there now and then and visit a few anti-government types who REALLY know a lot about lunacy. It keeps...
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
I’m Roland Burris, and I Want to Sit Down
I’m Roland Burris, and I want to sit down. I’m the former attorney general of the State of Illinois, but that doesn’t seem to carry much weight with these crotchety old D.C. boys (and gals). Maybe I need to let a girlfriend drown in my sunken car first to gain any cred around here. I could always show my mettle hanging out in the men’s pisser at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. Why, I bet the boys would...
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Jimmy Carter’s Crappy Carpentry and Contracting, LLC
You’re down and out.Maybe you still lived at home (at 37), mainlined heroin in your parents’ bedroom, and threw up all over the Tibetan-Armenian-Persian-Turkish silk artisan carpeting one too many times, so they tossed you, your Playstation Moon-Ray 6, and your Hitachi 184-inch HDTV out on Park Avenue. Maybe you’ve blown your life savings on BINGO!, LOTTO!, nickel slots, senior lap-dance nights, and several emails from...
Monday, January 5, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Art of Obama
You knew it had to be coming: The worldwide fascination with Barack Obama now brings us The Art of Obama.This funky blog depicts art of the messiah riding...unicorns and whales...stenciled on cakes, even cubist Obama. The goofiest thing about it ain't the blog, it's the people who go to such creative lengths to either genuflect before The One or mock him (you can always put me in the latter crowd).Enj...
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Polar Bear Union Disbands Over Climate Con
[The following is the only known transcript of an interview last week by Independent Star reporter Bias Jones with International Brotherhood of Polar Bears President Grumbles the Bear, occurring on an ice floe somewhere north of an Inuit village on Canada’s Ellesmere Island.]Bias Jones: We’re here somewhere in the Arctic Circle to interview Grumbles the Bear, president of the International Brotherhood of Polar Bears....
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