Friday, January 23, 2009

Welcome to My Obama Bunker (SHHH!)

Stay the HELL away from my loo!

Welcome to my Obama bunker. I’ve been stocking this thing…oh… for about 2 years, ever since b. Hussein entered the race. We all knew it was coming to this…even if no one wanted to say it aloud…and I just had to make sure I was ready for whatever comes my way.

Watch your step. It’s a little cluttered down here. I have so many supplies I can barely get back to the Reliance Luggable Loo (So handy, so convenient you might find yourself saying, "Luggable Loo, I love you!"). And that’s the most important part of any bunker.

On your right, there, witness 782 cases of homebrewed beer (I gave the other 218 to Amy Winehouse for Christmas). That’s prime grade-A ale, my friend, brewed with thicketberry, dandelion, and some orange peels left over from the orange tree I dug up, hauled here, and potted in my living room when we fled Florida (we were a little worried about Al Gore’s predictions of a new coastline).

Right behind that…damn…sorry about that, son…you should be a little more careful…it doesn’t take two eyes to see a forklift in front of your face (that’s my battering ram, in case the Obama Mania Media get wind of this place).

As I was saying, right behind that, along the whole south wall there, we’ve got AKs, SKSs, 9s, 44s, 20-gauges, 10-gauges, 30-aught-6s, and 50-cals. Yeah…we’re pretty prepared around here. You never know when you’ll have too few, particularly since is ALL loopy to spill the beans on Obama’s gun-law plan. Yeah…I took advantage of the gun show loop hole in recent years. So what? Haven’t you seen what government can do to unarmed citizens?

Below them, well, those ammo cans aren’t stuffed with cigars.

BUT…we do have 65 cases of Montecristo No. 2s over here…AND…an air filtration system that turns smoke into water. No…nimrod…not so I can drink it or breathe clean air. For watering the orange tree and flushing the Luggable Loo! Water…Jeez…you think I brewed 782 cases of beer so I could drink water? Hell…that’s what those 20 50-gallon drums are for, right back there on the north wall…. No, dummy…they’re not full of water…are you paying attention? They’re full of VODKA. I figure if the shit hits the fan and anyone who voted for Obama comes around looking for something to drink, I’ll be friendly as hell (while armed, of course) and give them some “water.” After a few sips, they’ll pass out, we’ll push them out the door, and slide the Willocks home. (Did I mention I have Michael Vick standing guard as a sacrificial idiot inside if the locks fail? I figure the first 100 or so people who get in will be so pissed at him, they’ll try to drown him in the vodka before hearing the “click-click-click” of my interior claymore mine defense.)

Jeez…do you ask some dumb questions. You sure you’re not with the OMM? No…bright eyes…I’m not worried about bacteria polluting the vodka (what… you always hear people talk about claymore mines and ignore it?), Vodka is STERILE…you can do friggin’ surgery with it.

Hell, I’ll bet I just gave you a better answer than that muttering fool press secretary Robert Gibbs on day 1 [or day 2 or 3 or…1,461]: “Ahh…ahh….ahh…well…I think…ahh…the president…ahh…answered that…ahh…what was the question again?...ahh…oh yeah…he gave you an idea of whether…ah…or not we’re at war…ah…in his inauguration speech. So…you’ll just have to go on YouTube for your quote…ahh…I guess.”

Yep…anyway…I’m thinking that’s enough fluids to get me through 8 years, give or take a few complete country-wide shutdowns. Lord knows, booze will be the next item taxed to pay off the 1 trillion bucko deficit b. Hussein plans to add this year to the current 11 or so trillion bucko deficit. So…again…I was thinking ahead.

No, dippy…I’m not counting on just 4 years. Like I said…I’m thinking ahead. Why? Well, when you start handing out $1,000 tax credits to people who didn’t earn $1,000 in 2008…dontcha think they’re going to vote for him again?

I mean, can you believe the expectations placed on this guy? People think he’s going to fix global warming, the economy, end the war on terror (or is it a more subtle thing, like a “dialogue with our brothers of Islam?”), bring the crops back to life with Gatorade, and serve up free monster truck rallies every Sunday!

He can’t help but put every able bodied citizen in the country on the public dole. Dick Morris is right…under b. Hussein America WILL become like socialist France. Which might be pretty cool, actually. I mean…do we all get a statue of the Eiffel Tower and immediately act like assholes when anyone asks us a question in a foreign language? I can’t friggin’ WAIT! ‘Cause right now, I have to act like I’m doing that dude from Oman a favor when I try to discuss the merits of contemporary oil policy, freedom of religion, and how we frown on suicide bombers in HIS friggin’ language…because he doesn’t know mine.

Welcome to America, Sahibi (Saa-hebi) صاحبي

Anyway, right back here, I’ve got my private collection of Charlize Theron photos. Yes…she’s clothed, you degenerate. What…do I look like Larry JackAss Flynt to you? Notice I’m not applying for a bailout. Notice I have a bunker…self-sustenance…self-reliability.

I don’t need anyone to pay my gas bills and mortgage for me.

Hey…just why are you here anyway? Ah hah!…you’re with the Obama crew, aren’t you? How’d you find this place anyway…did you use that damned WhosHere app for the iPhone to find me? I KNEW I should have flushed that piece of crap a long time ago. And I thought I was being a smartass having a backup for surfing Drudge in case I go underground while the world goes to hell.

Hey!…looky here…did I show you the Reliance Luggable Loo?

I’ve added a neat little hack…yep… (girglgirglgirglgirlgl!) it disposes of spies, too.


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