Intercepted en route from Tehran to the White House this very minute and decoded using the new instant record-hacking software (medical, personal, thought, and mind-control!) embedded in the Obama economic stimulus plan!
Dear Mr. b. Hussein Obama:
I just LOVE that your name is Muslim! It gives me great faith in knowing that, if the President of the United States can have a Muslim name, Allah is truly shining his grace and benevolence down on us!
Yes We Can!
You cannot imagine the great joy felt by the rest of the world (well, the civilized world, meaning the great Muslim nations…although I am a bit tired of picking sand out of my underpants) that, I believe, represents the faith (praise Allah!) that never before have we been closer to annihilating your capitalist dog ideals, opening up a new chance for utter domination by Islam (and with it, bringing widespread poverty, low income, and relatively no freedom to the West, especially for your fair-haired women…evil bi-atches they are…Clothe them! Clothe them!).
While I am not a jihadi, per se, I sympathize with our brothers -- your brothers -- in their struggle for freedom from the Zionist yoke and their self-preservation priorities. Imagine their audacity to put self above world economic instability. Truly evil. (We wouldn’t hurt a sand flea! It’s really all just a big joke. I promise!)
If our brothers in freedom have a goal of the fall of your liberty, then so it is mine.
I write because I understand from the semi-capitalist (actually quasi-socialist-nihilist-lost their way-we will engulf your country!) pigs in England (ah, but their press is always so much more on top of things than your cheering liberal minions, no?) that you intend to write me, hoping to open a path toward face-to-face talks.
I would like to trump your attempts. (I believe it was your words the other day -- “I won. I will trump you on that” -- when you were faced with legitimate political discourse with your spoken enemies -- but countrymen -- that could have resulted in compromise that benefited the American people, rather than your party and your socialist agenda. Yes, b. Hussein…I have great knowledge of the American political process, and you have a lot to learn about appearing too confident for your britches -- hmm…I do believe that is the first time that term, “britches,” has ever been uttered on Iranian soil. I must seek out the guidance of the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei on this terrible development. But, later….)
As I was saying, it is my turn to vote you off the island! Ha! I watch too many late night American TV shows. (I admit, I have DirecTV…don’t let it get out among my countrymen…they’d be a little bit pissed, most living in sand huts and all…but how else can I watch your brilliant Communist CNN…and your “thrill going up my leg” partisan Chris Matthews? Does American journalism not resemble Al-Jazeera these days, or what?)
I will meet you…but only on my terms…and my terms alone. And I won’t even ask for the apology that I’ve been blathering on about in your media! That’s just for show.
Here are my real demands:
- I request a Big Wheel. And not the cheap friggin’ crappy kind you make today in China. I want a true-blue, 1970s, knuckle-scraping, knee-scaring run-with-the-neighbor’s car Big Wheel that your kids used to ride down hills the size of Mt. Hood, without parental supervision, before the great craze of protecting your children (from evil men like me, I admit) consumed your nation. And I want to ride it in San Francisco, down Lombard Street. And I want a Ben and Jerry’s ice cream cone, double scoop, when I reach the bottom (and you should have your gloriously efficient 911 standing by, just in case).
- I want to go on Letterman. That stupid fool has been telling dumb “Top 10” jokes so long he now has guests do it for him. He can’t fart and be funny anymore. Surely you evil Americans know this?
- I want to meet the girl selling her virginity on the Internet. She’s not worth $3.7 million, but I have that much under my thumbnail, so I can do my one charitable deed of the year…and probably win a few fans in America. Won’t that help “remake” your country, a foreign devil copulating with a whore for charity?
- I want to play baseball with George Bush. I understand he thinks he can pitch. I’ve got a maple bat that says it will splinter on the first foul ball…now if I can only direct the shards towards the pitcher’s mound.
- Last, I want…I want…I reallyreallyreallyreallyreally REALLY want to touch the button. You know what I’m talking about. We won’t have one here for another 6 months or so…but I just want to touch one. Now…Please??????