Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Jimmy Carter’s Crappy Carpentry and Contracting, LLC

You’re down and out.

Maybe you still lived at home (at 37), mainlined heroin in your parents’ bedroom, and threw up all over the Tibetan-Armenian-Persian-Turkish silk artisan carpeting one too many times, so they tossed you, your Playstation Moon-Ray 6, and your Hitachi 184-inch HDTV out on Park Avenue. Maybe you’ve blown your life savings on BINGO!, LOTTO!, nickel slots, senior lap-dance nights, and several emails from someone claiming to represent the Nigerian government (after all, they can’t ALL be spammers!) and can no longer afford your to-die-for (really) one-bedroom flat in that posh “retirement community.” Maybe your deadbeat husband ran off with his 24-year-old buxom blonde secretary (sorry, administrative assistant) to start a home movie Internet business in the Caymans (age 18 and credit card required!), saddling you with five sniveling mutants under the age of 6 and a pile of bills so high the bank couldn’t find your home when they came to snatch it back; subsequently, you’re now in the wholesome care of dear ole Mom and Dad, who’ve started snorting Vladimir vodka just to get through the days (and those crazy, sleepless nights).

We can help.

At Jimmy Carter’s Crappy Carpentry and Contracting, we offer housing for the down on their luck. We require no campaign (or presidential library fund) contributions (unlike X-42), no down payments, in fact, no payment of any kind! Our work is so friggin’ crappy, we’re GIVING our homes away! Yes, with the help of a few thousand not-even-close-to-professional Samaritans donating their blessed stewardship and terrible craftsmanship to Habitat for Wayward Adults and Their Spawn, and a few Z-list Hollywood pinups (at least with makeup on) who don’t know the business end of a hammer from their vibrators or hookahs or crack pipes, we can build a whole community in fewer than 17 days!

Imagine the luxury of your very own (AND FREE!) home, complete with (FREE!) cockroaches, mildew, and mysterious skin rashes! You’ll be the talk of the town. Relatives, who previously wouldn’t be caught dead within 500 miles of you and made faces (remarkably similar to the tension of a bowel movement) when speaking of you, will stop by, wide-eyed, with gap-toothed-grins, just to set foot inside your door. Friends, who used to refer to you as someone who was cool “in kindergarten,” will be joining Classmates.com just to know your address and phone number.

Yes, Jimmy Carter’s Crappy Carpentry and Contracting can set you up with the most elegantly cheap housing in less time than it takes Rod Blagojevich to sell a president-elect’s U.S. Senate seat and get impeached for it.

First, we select choice real estate that no sub-human would set foot on, such as former refuse dumps. Then we put out the call to Hollywood glitterati like Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, Colin Firth, Christian Bale, and Helena Bonham Carter, each needing to donate millions in charitable work and money to avoid paying any federal income tax whatsoever! Then! Oh…we just about cream all over our peanut fields in Plains, Ga., every time we even think about this!...THEN…we find the crummiest, crappiest, broke-dick, ass-backwards, warped, rusted, scratched, cracked, AND (whenever possible) dented supplies (the older and more abused the better!) -- and we raise a town like no Amish gang bangers ever put up a barn!

And we’re environmentally conscious! We use grade-A egg cartons for insulation, cardboard box walls (so you former homeless get that homey, tent-city feeling), and double-sheeted felt (YES, THE EXTRAVAGANCE OF FELT!) roofing for a stylish look (if you like train tables and puddles in your den). Our interior paint comes from paper mill waste. We recycle bird droppings with a splash of rainwater for exterior paint. To avoid any concern over lead poisoning (or reason, for that matter), we use the cheapest plastic tubing money can buy (at Wal-Mart) for all piping throughout your home, so you can watch what others flush!

If you’re lucky, you can pull up your floorboards and find trash 5-feet deep beneath your kitchen (insulation that goes BEYOND code!), or cracking walls and rotting door frames that invite in rats and ants (certainly an added bonus for you PETA members). You might even hit the jackpot and find your house collapsing within 10 years after you move in, with all of your possessions sinking into a pit of waste so deep you wouldn’t send a Fear Factor contestant after it!

And the best part?

We guarantee after 10 years to come back and replace your entire home, free of charge, provided we can recycle what’s left (possibly for your new home). Could you expect anything less from unskilled labor and a former president whose legacy includes plus-20% interest rates, gas shortages, the rise of Iranian Fasco-Islam, and subsequent 20 (of 28) years of Republican rule in America?

So check us out now at www.yourhomewillcollapse.com. Or call 1-800-JIM-RUSE. And remember, ex-presidents and manicured labor make for a stronger lawsuit.


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