January 10, 2009
Barack Hussein Obama
Office of the President-Elect
PO BOX 8102
Chicago, Illinois 60682
Dear Khaled Mashaal, Ismail Haniyah, Mahmoud Zahar, Ayman Taha, JamalAbu Hashim, Salah el-Bardawil, Mohamed Nasser, or Imad el-Alami (or whoever is in charge and receives this before getting extinguished by a smart bomb):
I extend personal greetings from the highest office of the United States (well, it will be mine in 10 days, but screw it, let’s just say I’m in charge now). I hope this letter finds you well (and with all of your limbs). I understand you may be hiding in a tunnel somewhere near the Egyptian border. If you need toilet paper, water, or Jew-eating rabbits, please let me know. I believe a merchant ship will be heading your way from Greece soon, and I’m sure they’ll be willing to drop off my package in Gaza before docking in Ashdod.
I’m writing to set your mind at ease. You may have heard recently that my transition team and I have discussed reaching out to you through back channels while officially calling you a terrorist organization and pledging to continue President Bush’s pro-Israeli policies. The confusion is deliberate. As was our intent, the dimwitted media is focusing on the contradiction and exhausting all leads that point to either scenario, instead of the nature of our true plans.
The truth is, my number one foreign policy priority, after I become the 44th President of the United States, will be to reach out to you publicly through Richard Haass, my Middle East envoy, and legitimize your organization and your efforts. As I said all along on my hope and change tour last year, I plan to have a dialogue with critical parties on critical issues.
I believe firmly in the power of talk (it got me elected, after all). I know we can reach a common path; for instance…you hate the Great Satan of America, and I hate the Great Satan of America. You want to change Israel back into Palestine; I want to complete the changing of America to a nanny state. I believe we can use this commonality to create a bridge to a greater understanding of each other and to affect positive change in the direction of both our nations.
From poll and focus group data we’ve collected, we believe we can change the dynamic of your situation and increase public support for Hamas by using alternative terms. Instead of “terrorism,” we will say “the struggle for freedom,” and “freedomist” instead of “terrorist.” Instead of calling it “suicide” when one of your bombers blows up a school bus of children, we will refer to it as “a deep expression of passion.” “Rocket attacks” will now be known as “mail.” I will also personally issue an executive order that declares all American media is owned by the state and can show images only of Israeli bombings and atrocities and must disregard anything Hamas does to harm a fly. (Oh, wait, they already do that anyway.)
We also think you might want to change your name to Humus. It would diminish fear of you, partly brought about by the threatening ring of Hamas.
People will listen to me. They know I’m right when I say that government is the only way to effectively bring about positive change. It will work for the American economy; it will work to achieve your goals.
In the coming months, after Mr. Haass has established open channels with you, I will send Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to work out more details of a stronger accord. (Don’t worry, she’s really a man, so you won’t have to be offended by actually talking to a woman.) We WILL achieve the great societies we seek.
In the meantime, please keep your head down. The Messiah is coming.
President-elect Barack Hussein Obama