Leon Panetta: Latest to Make Dickipedia

Leon, demonstrating how to avoid the obvious.

Leon Panetta, White House chief of staff under X-42, from 1994-1997 (better known as the Lewinsky scandal era), didn't know a thing about the ex-president's Oval Office liaisons with The Big Cigar Lover.

Which, of course, makes ALL the sense in the world for Barack Obama to appoint him head of the CIA. A great spy always looks the other way, they say (or did I just make that up?).

What's even way cooler, Panetta's qualifications (he's tough with an Excel spreadsheet and knows how to fire the most important company man and heap even more work on the overworked, to keep costs down) have earned him a much higher award than head freedom-fighter chaser. He's also now profiled on Dickipedia. Because...well...he's a dick...and a half.

While there is little wrong with Panetta as a person, there is something massively dickish about his complete lack of qualifications for this all-important job. Obama reportedly selected Panetta for his managerial skills, bipartisan standing, and budget experience, all of which should come in pretty handy when searching through desert caves to hunt down al-Qaeda leaders.

And then, Dickipedia points out these awesome qualifications:

"Panetta has received several awards over his distinguished career and, of course, none of them have anything to do with running an intelligence agency. However, we’ve taken the liberty of stretching to find even the slightest connection."

1969 — Abraham Lincoln Award, National Education Association

• There wasn’t a single terrorist attack on the U.S. during the Lincoln presidency.

1988 — Golden Plow Award, American Farm Bureau Federation

• What better sign that Panetta will protect the nation’s food supply?

1991 — President's Award, American Council on the Teaching of Foreign Languages

• Terrorists speak in a foreign language. Next.

1991 — Coastal and Ocean Management Award, Coastal Zone Foundation

• America is most vulnerable to attack on the coasts, and Panetta sure as heck manages them well.

1997 — Special Achievement Award for Public Service, National Italian American Foundation

• This is kinda sorta foreign policy experience, right?

2003 — Julius A. Stratton "Champion of the Coast" Award for Coastal Leadership

• Not only does Panetta manage the vulnerable coasts, he’s a champion of them!

We should all feel safer tonight, knowing in a week a great dick will be watching over worldly threats to our life, limb, and liberty.

I sure as hell feel safer. Don't you?