I’m Roland Burris, and I Want to Sit Down

I’m Roland Burris, and I want to sit down. I’m the former attorney general of the State of Illinois, but that doesn’t seem to carry much weight with these crotchety old D.C. boys (and gals). Maybe I need to let a girlfriend drown in my sunken car first to gain any cred around here. I could always show my mettle hanging out in the men’s pisser at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. Why, I bet the boys would see me differently if I took Helen Thomas down to the Senate Tunnel and slipped her some tongue.

I’m Roland Burris, and I want to sit down. I’ve been busting my hump out here grandstanding for you narcissitic reporters all day, for two straight days now. I’ve tried to enter the building, only to be told I must have valid paperwork to get in. I’ve tried to hand in my paperwork, only to be told it’s not signed by my parents. I showed them my driver’s license; it says right there that I’m Roland Burris, from Illinois. See?! What more do they need? Somebody’s got to show me some respect in this town. In fact, my first bill, when I finally get to sit down, will be a national I.D. card that lists your occupation, Social Security Number, savings account number, fund adminstrator’s dirtiest secret, and the location of the mattress where you hide your unreported income.

I’m Roland Burris, and I want to sit down. Despite Gov. Rod Blajoveich ordering the world not to fault me for his mistakes (the Feds have it on camera, by the way), not one of you senators has extended your hand to welcome me into your chambers. I don’t get what the big deal is. It’s not like that fundraiser I held for Blago at my home had any strings attached. And you can’t tell me that the $22,295 my lobby gave Blago actually meant anything. And there’s NOTHING to the report that my lobbying firm’s $705,435 in state contracts has ANYTHING to do with my past support of The Hair.

I’m Roland Burris, and I want to sit down. Why did that guy with the soiled Cubs hat just come up and say, “Mr. Burris, I always thought we would win The Series when you were pitching at Wrigley; when they let you play in the Senate can you introduce a bill to have Bartman executed?”

I’m Roland Burris, and I want to sit down. Why does Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., keep saying my appointment to the Senate is not certified by Illinois Secretary of the State Jesse White? But then White turns around and says his signature is merely ceremonial and that the U.S. Senate should be saying whether or not I can finally sit down (and my dogs are tired!). Will somebody please explain to me why my own party is treating me like I’m a Republican?

I’m Roland Burris, and I want to sit down. I’m 71 years old, and I have to settle for being the junior senator from Illinois. I demand my right to 214 days off a year. I demand my right to free meals. I demand my right to at least two years of living high and mighty on the taxpayer dole. I demand the Illinois Supreme Court sit that Jesse White guy down, put a pen in his hand, and make him sign that damned certificate.

But, most of all, my only regret over all of this, having watched the 111th Congress sworn in yesterday on television, is, “My gosh, that should have been me.” I’m Roland Burris, and I just want what’s coming to me. I want to sit down…where I belong…among all the other frauds.