Clintoons Dropping the Ball Tonight -- S.O.P.

New York Mayor Mikey Bloomberg picked the perfect couple to drop the ball at Times Square tonight: Bill and Hill Clinton.They’ve been dropping the ball for a long time. And it's amazing that, on the eve of 2009, they're still around.The Clintoons dropped the ball on health care reform. We’re still talking about it. Need I say more?The Clintoons dropped the ball on the 1993 World Trade Center bombing. Al Qaeda (and Osama...

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Clintoons Dropping the Ball Tonight -- S.O.P.

Death To All...Juice? What Was He Smoking?

by redsquirrel08Um...yeah...that's telling it like it...is. Way to go, my brother in terrorism (brought to you by Little Green Footballs).Oh...wait...that's right...I'm not a terrorist. Unless you break into my house. Then you have to mess with that little piece of madness in my profile image. I guess that's sort of what Hamas has been experiencing the last 4 days from the I...

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Death To All...Juice? What Was He Smoking?

Oregon Governor Proposes Breathing Tax

SALEM - With the Oregon economy in shambles and drivers leaving their cars at home in record numbers, the state is trying to shore up a shrinking fund for new roads.Gov. Ted Kulongoski’s solution? Tax breathing.That’s right. While thousands of Oregonians are leaving their cars home and, instead, riding public transportation, joining ride-share programs, or just plain working from home, this personally responsible effort...

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Oregon Governor Proposes Breathing Tax

I Got Your Thrill Right Here, Chris

Leave it to MSNBC's Chris Matthews, the worst "news show" host on TV -- cable, PPV, or network -- to get the Quote of the Year for this zinger. Sorry, but I don't feel comfortable publishing such filth, even in this lowly place.Matthews, always a step away from blowing a gasket on TV while pretending to be "hardball" (more like hard up), uttered his immortal brain fart about, you guessed it, the Messiah.Other blissfully...

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I Got Your Thrill Right Here, Chris

The Nightmare Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the White HouseEvery creature was stirring, even Cheney’s spouse;The bailouts were hung by the chimney without care,In hopes that St. Bull would soon reappear;Condi and Paulson were tossing and turning in their beds,Because The Bitch and Geithner pointed shotguns at their heads;And Laura in her ‘kerchief, and I in my dunce cap,Had just settled down for one of my last...

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The Nightmare Before Christmas

God Cancels Christmas for U.S.

HEAVEN - In a stunning development, God canceled Christmas today.Issuing a proclamation to the heads of the major U.S. churches and to the U.S. government, God suspended all Christmas activities in America for one year:I have watched with growing impatience as Americans absorb themselves with trivial financial matters and fancy cars and big homes and long protracted wars and little blue pills that allow them to mate...

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God Cancels Christmas for U.S.

Pakistani Commuter Train Promises Virgins and Clean Air on Earth

ISLAMABAD - Pakistan Railway today unveiled an innovative locomotive that may go a long way toward turning the tide against the world’s climate change problems.The Osama, a remarkable train with external seating and standing room for commuters, can carry an average of 72 people per square foot. Named after popular terrorist Osama bin Laden, the train was designed to improve relations among terrorists and capitalists,...

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Pakistani Commuter Train Promises Virgins and Clean Air on Earth

W. Dodges Shoes Better than Charles Barkley

Charles Barkley, whose mouth is sometimes bigger than a president's influence, just doesn't seem to have the reflexes of George W. Bush when it comes to dodging shoes. And Barkley was an athlete...well...in so much as someone nicknamed the Round Mound of Rebound can be called an athlete.From TNT's Thugball daily wrap...

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W. Dodges Shoes Better than Charles Barkley

Congress Screws Constituents Yet Again

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With a tough economy leading to dwindling kickbacks from lobbyists and declining favors from key muscle figures back home, Congress secretly voted last week to give themselves raises.Each member of Congress will get an extra $100,000 next year, a free pass for one on any Atlantis Events cruise, and a lottery ticket to be the first to kiss the ring of President-Elect Barack Obama on inauguration day....

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Congress Screws Constituents Yet Again

Iowahawk…Where The Hell Have I Been?

I guess I’ve been stuck inside the government’s ass for 5 years and just fell out because, before today, I’d never heard of Iowahawk. Then this popped into my e-mail inbox (without attribution, of course):It's in the way you dress. The way you boogie down. The way you sign your unemployment check. You're a man who likes to do things your own way. And on those special odd-numbered Saturdays when driving is permitted,...

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Iowahawk…Where The Hell Have I Been?

Camelot Princess Moves Right ... to D.C.

Completely unpredictable, unfathomable, and unprecedented, Caroline Kennedy, daughter of assassinated President John F. Kennedy, will seek the open junior New York U.S. Senate seat.She immediately becomes the front runner, edging out fellow Democrat and philanderer William Jefferson Clinton (a former U.S. president, some time ago, when life was more innocent and...ahem...pure) and a host of no names among as many as...

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Camelot Princess Moves Right ... to D.C.

Romo: “T.O. Wears Women’s Underwear”

In a growing feud that threatens to split apart the NFL’s Dallas Cowboys, quarterback Tony Romo revealed yesterday that wide receiver Terrell Owens likes to wear women’s underwear.“He’s a real sucker for lacy things. You know, thongs, fishnet stockings, garter belts. He was wearing some when we lost to Pittsburgh, but not when we beat up on the Giants,” Romo said yesterday following practice. “I really think he just...

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Romo: “T.O. Wears Women’s Underwear”

Meatloaf’s Surprise: Gas To Run Out; Singer Bursts In Response

Outdated rock ‘n roll singer Meatloaf exploded Tuesday after learning he could get better gas mileage by losing weight.“You’re kidding me!” he said when learning of a University of Illinois study that concluded America will be out of fuel by the end of 2020 if fat people don’t exercise, lose weight, and become generally miserable because they’re no longer fat and content. [Full disclosure: Your stupid narrator is fat...

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Meatloaf’s Surprise: Gas To Run Out; Singer Bursts In Response

Did I Say "Change" Was Coming?

Former Clinton assistant Betty Currie and Socks, former first-cat.Change just keeps getting older. John Podesta, Hillary Clinton and…Betty friggin’ Currie?Yep, the old gang is back together again, with Betty Currie, former personal assistant for Slick Willy, now answering calls for Podesta and President-elect Barack Obama’s transition team. You remember Currie, she's the one special prosecutor Ken Starr grilled so much...

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Did I Say "Change" Was Coming?

Goofy Reporter Throws Notebook at Bush

An Iraqi journalist tossed his reporter's notebook at U.S. President George W. Bush during a Baghdad news conference Sunday."I write crap. We all write crap. Your policies are crap," Muntazer al-Zaidi from Al-Baghdadia channel, which broadcasts from Cairo, said while throwing his notebook at Bush.The action is considered by most media to be the worst insult they could make -- even worse than reporting outright lies and...

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Goofy Reporter Throws Notebook at Bush

Sad to See You Go, W...Presidents Just Don't Bring Laughter Like You

Well...I supported him...then damned near gave myself a lobotomy because of it.... W was good for my own introspection into what I really believed: That government is crap by any party.BUT...damn...am I gonna miss his delivery...

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Sad to See You Go, W...Presidents Just Don't Bring Laughter Like You

Jones' Big Ass Truck Rental and Storage

When you really need him. He's there. Cheap, too."The fact of the matter is, I'm pretty drunk right now. And this is a drunk discount sal...

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Jones' Big Ass Truck Rental and Storage

Obama To Be Homeless in January

In yet another sign of the impending doom the incoming Obama administration faces, President-elect Barack Obama and his family will be homeless for two weeks in January.The Obamas had asked White House officials if they could be squatters in the Blair House about two weeks before the traditional date so their two daughters could attend their new school when classes resume Jan. 5. [No president-elect has ever moved into...

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Obama To Be Homeless in January

Ron Paul: We're in the Midst of Nationalization without a Whimper

And no one's saying "boo." YOU should have been president, R...

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Ron Paul: We're in the Midst of Nationalization without a Whimper

Illinois Governor Tries to Trade Hairdo for Influence

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich (D) was arrested for trying to use his hairdo for political influence.In taped conversations with advisers, Blagojevich seemed alternately boastful, flippant, and spiteful about his hair, which he likened at one point to that of an entertainment lawyer shopping around a date with Elvis for the steepest price, a federal affidavit said. At times, he weighed aloud keeping his hair all to himself,...

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Illinois Governor Tries to Trade Hairdo for Influence

World’s Oldest Profession Feels Economic Crunch

Despite the adage that vice is recession-proof, even ladies of the evening are falling on hard times these days.This once proud profession has seen earnings decline for most of 2008. Instead of patronizing many popular establishments, men are reportedly staying home and playing Grand Theft Auto, which features brothels and unsavory night clubs.Egbert Krumeich, manager of Artemis, the largest brothel in Berlin, said the...

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World’s Oldest Profession Feels Economic Crunch

Guys Turning Girly at Alarming Pace

It’s official: Guys are doomed to become pansies by the end of the next decade.A study, to be released tomorrow, indicates that a host of circumstances endangers the male gender, including male body washes, facial ointments, hair and clothing styles, wimpy little “green” cars, anti-smoking laws, and tiny bottles of liquor. The study, backed by some of the world’s leading scientists, warns that all men will lose their...

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Guys Turning Girly at Alarming Pace

The Great 2008 Carmaker Swindle

I'm going off topic today (no humor again):Let’s just say I have a business behind the times.I’ve repeatedly ignored requests to make my product cost consumers less money to use and operate. I’ve created products in foreign countries that foreign countries can make better here in America – and sell cheaper. I’ve thrown cash around my business, and burned it, like I had a direct supply to the Federal Reserve.I’ve propped...

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The Great 2008 Carmaker Swindle

O.J.: “I’ll Be a Good Prison Bitch”

O.J. Simpson will have a new job when he gets to prison.“I’m going to be a good prison bitch,” Simpson said yesterday in Las Vegas, after being sentenced to 6, 8, 9, 15, or 33 years in prison (depending on which newspaper you read this morning). “I still gotta pay the Goldmans and Browns, so I might as well get paid for doing the whole cell block. Besides, I always did like this song.”Prison Bitch - Bob and TomClark...

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O.J.: “I’ll Be a Good Prison Bitch”

Plaxico Shoots His Other Leg

A week after shooting himself in the right leg, NFL star Plaxico Burress shot his other leg last night.“He told us during the investigation that his other leg was jealous,” a New York City policeman said on condition of anonymity.Burress was taken into custody and will not be released on bail. The court cited an appeal by Burress’ employer, the New York Giants. The team is worried that Burress might start shooting his...

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Plaxico Shoots His Other Leg

Saxby Chambliss’ Booby-booboo

Elections are a fascinating thing in America. Sometimes they get to run nearly until Christmas.They can get even more fascinating, depending on your perspective, when yesterday's winning candidate, Republican Saxby Chambliss, grabs his granddaughter’s boob during a campaign commercial that ran last week to wish all Georgia voters Happy Thanksgiving. Don’t believe me? See the first 60 seconds of a segment from last night's broadcast by Commedy Central's Jon Stewart, below.The incident reminds me of Bernard trying to grab some...

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Saxby Chambliss’ Booby-booboo

Pentagon Hires Governator to Create Robotic Soldiers

The American military is planning to build robot soldiers that will not be able to commit war crimes like their human comrades, and they’ll do it with the Terminator, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, in charge.Schwarzenegger, former star of the Terminator movie series, will be chief architect of the company created to make the robots. He was hired today by the Pentagon to build an army of machines to prevent the...

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Pentagon Hires Governator to Create Robotic Soldiers

French President Cries Foul Over Obama Voodoo Dolls

French President Nicholas Sarkozy has lost his petition to block the sale of voodoo dolls.“They look too much like U.S. President-elect Barrack Obama,” Thierry Herzog, a lawyer for Sarkozy, told reporters on Saturday. “Nothing against Obama, but we expect a little more from our satire here in France. They can wave a white flag over there in America all they want, but a voodoo doll of President Sarkozy should have a bit...

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French President Cries Foul Over Obama Voodoo Dolls

What's Wrong With Shoppers?

If you opened this and expected to find satire, I apologize. I don’t have the heart for it today.I remember as a kid hearing about a Who concert in Cincinnati, in which 11 people were trampled to death as the doors to the hall were opened. I was appalled: What would compel people to run over top of other people? It was just a concert! Not a fire. Not a shooting in a crowded place. No one was trying to get away. They...

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What's Wrong With Shoppers?

Rosie Puts up Real Stinker; NBC Boots Her to the Curb

In unprecedented swift action, NBC dropped Rosie O’Donnell’s new variety show after only one night.“There are a lot of things to be thankful for today, and one of them is that NBC viewers won’t have to look at Rosie anymore,” Jeff Zucker, president and CEO of NBC Universal, said Thursday while preparing for a Thanksgiving feast of tofu, bean sprouts, and salmon spaghetti carbonara. Zucker hinted he was considering asking...

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Rosie Puts up Real Stinker; NBC Boots Her to the Curb

Franken Vows to Leave the Country

Disgusted with an elections process that won’t allow him to steal enough votes to win, (not so funny) comedian Al Franken (D) vowed today to leave the country as soon as possible.“Damn. I really thought those crackpots on the Board of Canvassers were going to let me win this thing, but they apparently believe in fair elections up here,” Franken said, flapping his ample lips. “This is ridiculous. If a man can’t steal...

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Franken Vows to Leave the Country

Oil Plummets; OPEC Leaders Off Themselves

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Oil Plummets; OPEC Leaders Off Themselves

Monica to SerVICE the Country

In the spirit of change and a new beginning for Washington, D.C., the Office of the President Elect today announced that former White House intern Monica Lewinsky has accepted the nomination to a new cabinet position in the Obama administration.Barring Senate confirmation, Lewinsky will be nominated to the post of Secretary of Internal and External Affairs. An official news conference has been scheduled for Tuesday morning...

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Monica to SerVICE the Country

Luca Brasi Sleeps with the “Sea Kittens”

If you’re going to start a movement to change the name of what’s for dinner, you might want to pick something with a bit more ambiance than “sea kittens.”“Luca Brasi sleeps with the sea kittens” just doesn’t…ahem…hold as much water as does the classic line from my all-time favorite movie, The Godfather.I mean, I understand why PETA wants us to stop eating fish and all. They believe an international “movement” to change...

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Luca Brasi Sleeps with the “Sea Kittens”