Monday, November 24, 2008

Monica to SerVICE the Country

In the spirit of change and a new beginning for Washington, D.C., the Office of the President Elect today announced that former White House intern Monica Lewinsky has accepted the nomination to a new cabinet position in the Obama administration.

Barring Senate confirmation, Lewinsky will be nominated to the post of Secretary of Internal and External Affairs. An official news conference has been scheduled for Tuesday morning at the Washington Press Office. It’s said Lewinsky will be wearing a new fashion from Mugato: Stained Blue Dress.

Lewinksy was made famous during Interngate, the scandal that nearly brought down former president Bill Clinton. Clinton’s famous public remark, “No, I did not have sex with that woman…Miss Lewinsky,” transformed over the months and years and decades of the Richard Mellon Scaife-funded investigation by special prosecutor Kenneth Starr into, “Yeah, I had her, right there in the Oval Office with Arafat waiting in the Rose Garden. She liked cigars too…but she didn’t smoke ‘em.”

The scandal prompted the incoming Bush administration to fumigate the Oval Office in 2001. A similar undertaking has been scheduled for January 2009, prior to the arrival of the new administration, to rid the entire building of cockroaches.

Reactions to Lewinsky’s appointment were mixed.

“It is downright disgusting,” conservative mogul Rush Limbaugh said today on his galactically broadcast radio program to 57 million listeners who voted for John McCain. “The American people have been bamboozled, I tell you. They just don’t listen anymore to the Rushie, the Mahatma, the Soothsayer of Conservatism, the…oh, hell…SOMEBODY get me a painkiller! This is going to send me spiraling back down into drug addiction!”

John Podesta, former chief of staff under Clinton and head of Obama’s transition team, meanwhile, called it a bold move for the incoming president. “Change was served today with this appointment. And hope. We think Miss Lewinsky is just the woman to handle all affairs, both internal and external, as she has vast experience in this area, even beyond her time as an intern. Besides, I never had a chance with that hound dog Bill around to…you know…see what she can do in a federal office.”

Lewinsky’s appoint follows a long convoy of former Clinton staffers, friends, business partners, family members, lost neighbors, pets, and other carrion back from exile into Washington. In recent days, the Obama administration has staffed about 90 percent of its cabinet posts with former Clinton people, including the former first lady.

Senator Hillary Clinton, who accepted the post of Secretary of State on Friday, was said to be “very interested” in working with Lewinsky. A Clinton insider, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said Mrs. Clinton is very excited at the chance to work with Lewinsky. The two have “a lot in common,” the official said, adding that “the senator believes she can learn a lot from someone like Miss Lewinsky.”

[Cue Frank Zappa: “With a tongue like a cow she could make you go, WOW!”]

He said that former Clinton officials Vincent Foster and Ron Brown were also being considered for positions in the new administration, although President-elect Barrack Obama has specifically told Brown he needs to do something about the suspicious hole in his head.


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