Pakistani Commuter Train Promises Virgins and Clean Air on Earth

ISLAMABAD - Pakistan Railway today unveiled an innovative locomotive that may go a long way toward turning the tide against the world’s climate change problems.

The Osama, a remarkable train with external seating and standing room for commuters, can carry an average of 72 people per square foot. Named after popular terrorist Osama bin Laden, the train was designed to improve relations among terrorists and capitalists, while serving a greater good for the environment.

“As a bridge between martyrdom and claiming 72 virgins in heaven, and the capitalist dog’s reckless pursuit of societal degradation and environmental ruination, we built this masterpiece. Now, we can have our 72 'virgins' here on Earth, provided they purchase a ticket and sign an agreement not to tell their husbands, brothers, and fathers of their vile actions, and the American dog can use our trains in their own country instead of pumping noxious filth into the air from their oil-fed automobiles,” said Imram Raza Hasni, supreme commander of Pakistan Railway, the country’s national rail service.

The trains are equipped with seats on top of each engine and commuter car, along with steps and handrails every 3 inches along the sides and front. A recent test run of the prototype from Islamabad, the capital of Pakistan, to Karachi, a resort city on the Arabian Sea, carried nearly 10,000 passengers without incident, except for a few minor problems in which some external passengers were stoned to death by locals waiting to cross the tracks to their poppy fields.

Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari called the train the eighth wonder of the world. “We will surely earn a place in heaven for all Pakistanis and smote our Indian neighbors into abject poverty with this ingenious innovation, as we will sell it to every nation on Earth EXCEPT India.”

Orders were reportedly filing in today to the Pakistan Railway manufacturing facility in bin Laden-friendly Peshawar from most of the major U.S. railways, including the federally-owned Amtrak, NorFolkin' Way in Virginia, and Atlanta's BR549 Railway.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, speaking on behalf of the major oil-producing nations, called the train an obamination. “This is a direct attempt to influence America against the purchase of petroleum, our livelihood. I now present Pakistan with the choice between being overrun by more than 1 billion starving Indians or being the new home of the Israeli, after we force the Zionists from Jerusalem.”

Reports indicate that Iran has begun aiming some Ashura MRBM missiles, previously aimed at Israel and capable of reaching Washington if hijacked by Somali pirates and sold to Russian warships heading to Cuba for the good weather, at Islamabad.