Cheney's "Misdemeanor Assaults"

Vice President Dick Cheney has been indicted on state charges involving federal prisons.

Cheney is charged with engaging in organized criminal activity related to investments in the Vanguard Group, which holds financial interests in the private prison companies running the federal detention centers. He is accused of a conflict of interest and "at least misdemeanor assaults" on detainees because of his link to the prison companies.

Reliable sources say Cheney has used the prisons to hide during the September 11 crisis and, most recently, the weeks preceding this past general election. His code name during these mock incarcerations was “Big Chief No. 2.” I’m told Cheney gravitated toward the basements, where he dressed in women’s clothing and tried to hang out with the queens.

The “assaults” in the indictment are linked to unwanted advances on a heterosexual gang leader named Paco. It is believed his conflict of interest is related to repeated offers to pay Paco for relations. When Paco refused, Cheney had him reassigned to Gitmo as a political detainee.

No word on whether President George W. Bush attended these sessions. Larry Craig, however, is said to have been lurking in at least one prison bathroom during the time of Cheney’s most recent visit.