Disgusted with an elections process that won’t allow him to steal enough votes to win, (not so funny) comedian Al Franken (D) vowed today to leave the country as soon as possible.
“Damn. I really thought those crackpots on the Board of Canvassers were going to let me win this thing, but they apparently believe in fair elections up here,” Franken said, flapping his ample lips. “This is ridiculous. If a man can’t steal an election, how can we say there is liberty and freedom to pursue happiness in this country? I’m going to leave this friggin’ place. It’s not socialist enough yet. I’ll go live with Sean Penn…or maybe Alec Baldwin. He’s funnier than I am.”
Franken made his statement after the Minnesota Board of Canvassers unanimously rejected his request to count 12,000 absentee ballots in a recount of the state’s hotly contested Senate race.
At the start of the recount Franken trailed Sen. Norm Coleman (R-Minn.) by 215 votes, of the 2.9 million ballots cast. Officials have recounted about 80 percent of the ballots, and Coleman maintains a slim lead.
The two campaigns are challenging about 3,600 votes, including 500 for Prince, 427 for former Minnesota governor Jesse “The Body” Ventura, and another 427 for Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson.
“Clearly those voters intended to vote for me,” Franken said. “None of those guys is a Republican, anyway. You know everybody loves me here. Just look at me: I have an electable face!”
Franken has fallen on hard times since the progressive Air America radio network failed to win advertisers and had to go underground (like your humble narrator) to the Internet. Most recently he was selling shoes at a discount store in Minneapolis at the Mall of America under the name of Al Bundy.
Baldwin could not be reached for comment. He and Penn were attending a charity event at a terrorist training camp in Pakistan.