Illinois Governor Tries to Trade Hairdo for Influence

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich (D) was arrested for trying to use his hairdo for political influence.

In taped conversations with advisers, Blagojevich seemed alternately boastful, flippant, and spiteful about his hair, which he likened at one point to that of an entertainment lawyer shopping around a date with Elvis for the steepest price, a federal affidavit said. At times, he weighed aloud keeping his hair all to himself, prosecutors said.

“This is a slick cut, man. It comes down so far it covers where I have ‘I’m Guilty’ burned into my forehead with a hot poker. I’m telling you, if you don’t take my hair, you’re not getting a seat in the U.S. Senate,” Blagojevich, also known as “Gay-Rod,” can be heard saying on a recording released today by federal agents.

Illinoisans awoke today to news that their governor had been arrested, handcuffed, and hauled before a federal magistrate on sweeping charges he conspired to sell his hair many times over — including putting a price on the U.S. Senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama.

Real estate and business mogul and TV game show host Donald Trump is said to have offered the highest price for Blagojevich’s hair. Reportedly, however, Trump also missed the first payment on his bid.

A spokesman for Obama said the next president really didn’t have a need for Blagojevich’s hair. “Frankly, the president-elect is more concerned about where he’s going to sneak a cigarette in a smoke-free zone at the White House than some pompadour pimp heading to prison because he thinks he’s sitting on a golden egg (literally),” said David Axelrod, Obama’s senior adviser. “But, yes, I know he's talked to the governor, and there are a whole range of names that have surfaced, and I think he has a fondness for a lot of them.

“Regardless of the President-elect’s smoking habits, you have to admit that hair could keep a shaved polar bear warm at the North Pole in January, even if the climate is cooling."