Oil Plummets; OPEC Leaders Off Themselves

All voting members of the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) committed suicide today amid plummeting oil prices.

Oil dropped below $51 a barrel due to falling demand, the backlash of most Americans parking their SUVs and, en mass, hitching up horse and buggy in protest four months ago when oil peaked at $147 a barrel.

Most notable among the deceased were chief United States enemies Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, president (not so much anymore) of Iran, and Venezuelan Dictator for (His Shortened) Life Hugo Chavez. Chavez reportedly sold all shares of the Venezuelan-owned gasoline company Citgo prior to snorting himself to death, leaving all earnings to his cabana boy, known only as Fidel.

“The world is mine!” Chavez reportedly said, before burying his head in a pile of cocaine on his desk and expiring.

Prior to his own demise, Ahmadinejad is said to have wanted to kill himself because the sharp drop in profits his country previously reaped, by raping oil-guzzling nations like the U.S., left Iran with no money to buy plutonium from Russia, thereby ending Ahmadinejad’s nuclear dream of turning Israel into a landing strip for his private fleet of G-5 airplanes.

Sources say Ahmadinejad chopped his own head off.

To fill the power vacuum left by the demise of OPEC, analysts say Halliburton, Vice President Dick Cheney’s former company, will likely muscle in for control of oil reserves in all OPEC nations. Cheney, meanwhile, is still fighting his own battles, having been indicted for misdemeanor assaults.

President George W. Bush proclaimed the situation a victory for the U.S. “I, uh, well, I’m happy for the U.S. It’s a great day when you get to pay $1.68 for a gallon of gas and Dick’s buddies get to own the world. Oh…dang. Did I say that on camera? Hey, now….move along. Nothing to see here. How long until we’re done with this job?”